Part 13: Theatre of Failure Part Six: Steve's Last Hurrah

Good evening, cadets. Before we begin the movie, I have an announcement to make. As some of you may have heard, our friend Officer Rufus has been placed on administrative leave. I am sure all our thoughts and best wishes are with him.

Thankfully, he had already finished this movie for us. We will watch it tonight in his honor.

(Sir, are you sure this is a good idea? Even with the edits?)

(This will show them all what he was like. Chickens on my desk. And the pantyhose! I don't even know what I was supposed to make of that.)

(Sir? This... is edited, right?)

I'll start the movie myself today.

Attendance at the briefing at the beginning of your shift is of vital importance. How else will you hear the wisdom of your elders and betters?



Disruption of this time is an unacceptable breach of protocol! It wastes my time and the time of your squadmates.



Don't mind me, sir. I'm just walking around the room to make sure it's SAFE! Hah!



Officer Durant?

Uh... right. Furthermore, you should respond to the direct orders of your supervisors UNLESS those orders are contrary to the law or basic human morality. Sir.



THIS desk is flat too! THEY'RE ALL FLAT! But what about the brakes? I know you've rigged up one of these. WHICH ONE IS IT?



Failure to comply with your supervisor's orders can result in summary dismissal. Now, it'll be just a minute while we change the reels...

(There is no way he had anything to do with that chicken gag. We met for coffee that afternoon.)

(And I have YOUR word on that, do I? I know how you all are. Stick together. Old sarge won't mind! He likes cleaning crap off his desk for three hours! He doesn't mind having to visit the doctor because his eyes are doused with...)

(Sir, the movie's starting again.)



As we have told you many times before, a traffic stop is one of the most dangerous duties you will ever perform as a police officer. In any situation where you know the suspect you face is likely to be armed and dangerous, you MUST first call for backup.

I can take him! No-one is safe from me!




You can't watch everywhere at once. And you can't ever account for bad luck. But you can make sure you at least have someone to watch your back when things go bad.



Of course, it is your job to apprehend criminals, and you can't simply run away from it. Call for backup and wait patiently until it arrives.



Steve? What are you doing?



(Dammit, sir, this part was supposed to be cut!)

(It's a good object lesson. Now be quiet and pay attention to yourself talking.)



Jesus Christ! Get a doctor over here! You don't do that even with blanks, Steve. What were you thinking?

Haha. DRAW. I knew I forgot SOMETHING. Get away from me! I'm fine! Let's do this!




That's right. You won't be rustling any more cattle anytime soon, Sonny Jim!


You may, at some point in your career, need to use deadly force to protect yourself or a fellow citizen, but you must never do so when other options remain available.



Never casually approach an armed suspect. Verbally order them into a position from which they can't attack you before you get anywhere near them. Remember, in a desperate moment anything can happen.

We've got this part in super-slow-motion so you can get a good look at the effects of FOOLISHNESS.

...








Steve, are you... bleeding? How are you bleeding? We used blanks! I checked to make sure this time!

The blood doesn't like to stay inside all the time anymore. Sometimes I have to let it out to play. It's okay, Blood. Daddy forgives you for leaving home. E lyh caa oui uid drana, fydlrehk sa. E ghuf oui'na ahzuoehk drec. Oui mega fydlrehk sa civvan! E'mm bmyo ouin kysa vun huf.

..I think we need to turn these cameras off and...

Disregard that. Keep shooting. He's been checked over by the doctor.

I'm not sure that man was really a doctor! Doctors don't really use those head reflector things anymore! And they usually do more than shove pills into you.

Moving on now. Set up for the next shot...



Asking your suspect to raise his hands is a good first step...

Reach for some clouds, pigfucker! Oh, yeah! What's it feel like on that side of the gun, huh?

I am DEFINITELY not being paid enough for this.



Raising their hands isn't quite enough, though. They can still get to a dangerous weapon fairly rapidly, and they're able to adopt a threatening posture almost immediately. Ask your suspect to lie down with his hands on his head first - it is very difficult to mount any kind of attack from this position.

I mounted something from that position, Bonds. Guess what? It was your MOM! Hahahaha!

I'm... going to ignore that. You're not well. You guys can cut that out, right? ..right, good. Anyway, once you've placed the suspect under arrest, if there is any chance you may need to question him for further information, you must first admonish him of his Miranda Rights. You'll find the complete text in your handbook. Memorize it. You'll need it.



Information gained by interrogating a suspect who has not been admonished of his Miranda rights is inadmissable in court, and that might result in a guilty person walking free. So let's keep it by the book, shall we?

Sonny, I'm sorry about what I said. That wasn't fair. Your mom is a lady.

Thank you, Steve.

And guess how I know she's really a lady? Hahahaha!

Let's just... set up the next scene. Get that camera off. Come on, it's-

Here we are at scenic Lytton Penitentiary. This is the back entrance, which is the one we use. Remember, the front entrance is for visitors, not people with official business.



Bouncy!

OW!

Uh... brutality against a subject in custody is STRICTLY forbidden. You going to leave your gun in the locker this time, Steve?

Call me Rufus. And no! I like my gun. It has been a good friend to me. Not like SOME people.



One more for the meat locker! He's a chunky side of beef served with piping hot EVIL!



Let me just get these cuffs off. See, Bonds, some people can do this part without touching themselves. Hahah!




It is vitally important that you search your suspect for weapons IMMEDIATELY upon taking them into custody. Don't let this happen to you. Of course, even if you do that...




You still don't bring your gun into the prison. Desperate men can be driven to desperate actions. And that's all for this movie! Thank you for part....

It's quiet here, on the floor. The inside of my mouth tastes like Thursday.

Just shut this down. Come on, Ste... Rufus. Let's get you to a real doctor. Or at least to Carol's. For a break, okay?

...yeah. A break. That sounds really nice. Thanks, Sonny. I know things haven't been right lately, but...

Is that CAMERA still ON? I swear I wi-


That will be all for this week, cadets. We will select Officer Rufus' replacement so that we can complete our series on basic safety procedures, and you'll all be introduced to the new Officer Rufus next time. Until then!