Part 3

Chapter 3: The Lonely Hearts Club Band


I suppose it could be worse, it's not federal pound-me-in-the-pistil prison. Nevertheless, there's quite a collection of petty thugs in here. Not that I'm much better. A cursory glance reveals a Sprout, a Turnip, a Potato, and a Shroom.

Sprouts. Kids are ruining their lives far too young these days. They grow up too fast. Back in my day

Boss they want to know what we're in for.

we didn't have these growth hormones

Do we really wanna tell them casual B&E? 'Cause that's kind of a pussy crime to be hauled in on.

or this fancy shmancy Miracle Gro shit. Wait, what?

Are you done?

Quite. Anyway it's time to rise to the top of the prison hierarchy. Percy make one of them your bitch.

YOU! POTATO! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IN HERE FOR?

Good. Now smack him around a little.

I watched with a detached amount of interest as Percy repeatedly the potato. Little guy was so innocent when I picked him up, it's good to see his stamens dropped so quickly.

My patience is wearing thin!

Please mister Cucumber, make him stop! I'm only an innocent Resistance member, you've got to believe me!

A Resistance member you say? I him once more for good measure, at which point I notice this fucker is carrying a file, right in plain sight. I have Percy the file from the potato's mangled corpse and saw away at the prison cell door. Success! These birds are gonna fly!



... straight into the warden's office. His name is Sergeant Pepper.

Violence worked so far, so I try to him repeatedly. It doesn't even faze him, he merely comments that if I try it again I'll be spending the rest of my life in jail.

Why were you in the bookstore?!

It's... it's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

...

...

Don't mind me, I'll just be facepalming through my fucking forehead.

You lie! You're Resistance members!

Would you believe I just have a casual interest in cross pollination?

That's SICK. Hey, what are you hiding you little Persimmon?


Percy, if we don't make it out of here alive, just remember that whatever he does to us is nothing compared to what I had in mind for you.

A file! Give it to me! So THAT'S how you escaped from your cell!


Boss, are we boned?

Yeah, we're boned.

Help, boss! Teach me to swim!

Maybe you should have thought about that before getting us caught by the warden!

Hahahaha!

You SICK FUCKER, you like to watch!

A cross pollination enthusiast has no room to lecture me. Now if you'll excuse me I'm simply going to leave you alone and not actually witness you dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan.

What?

Before I could call him on his bullshit, he was gone. Oh crap.

Oh CRAP. So this is how it's actually going to end? I'm the worst savior ever. Percy isn't taking it lying down though, he's flailing around in a panicky manner, ting the door over and over and ing for a way out. I guess I can understand, I led a longer, much fuller life than he did.

Boss the door is rusted! Maybe we can break it!

No shit it's rusted, this is a water torture chamber.

But we have to try!

We give it our all, but to no avail. Damn thing's made of metal or something... wait a second. Is that...

... what I think it is?

A keyhole.
A keyhole.

You don't think?

Surely... surely it can't be that easy.

I remembered the key I picked up in the bookstore. I'm surprised it didn't get lifted off me by the guards, but there it was in my satchel.

I d the key...


No effing WAY.


We find ourselves outside the water torture chamber to find more cells. I spot an alarm on the wall... must... resist...


I REGRET NOTHING.


Assing cocks! I got thrown right back in. Fortunately the guards are inept as ever, as the key is still floating in the water, so I just let myself right back out.


Exploring a bit leads us to a utility closet. I try to steal the fire extinguisher but it's empty and Percy refuses to carry it. Reasoning that it would let us people harder didn't convince Percy, and since I'm too lazy to do it myself I just left it. Not before ting Percy though. Bastard.


Oh lawd, it's Christmas! I manage to steal the smaller things, namely the paper, rope, and bucket. I expect to get the most use out of the rope - failing all else I can just hang myself. Or make it look like someone else hanged HIMSELF.


... oh man.

What are you guys doing here? Hey, did you ever get that donut? I'm starving!

A donut you say?

Yeah man! Seriously, did you get one? I could eat a hundred of 'em right about now.

Oh... you mean THIS donut?

I've GOTTA have it. Please?

I don't know. It IS a very delicious, scrum-diddly-umptious looking donut. It'd be a shame if I couldn't eat it myself. I worked pretty hard to get it, what with the donut shop being closed down and all.

PLEASE, you can't hold out on me like this!

Oh, alright. If it means THAT much to you...


An asparagus donut! My favorite!

I watched him. I watched his jaw slowly undulate, savoring every last bite. It was all the sweeter for me, knowing the origin of the donut. Knowing exactly what he was consuming, it was almost too much for me. The garlic man may be experiencing elation at the taste sensation in his mouth, and it may have been an extraordinary trifle to obtain it for him, but in the end, only I could relish the sinfulness of it all.

Percy didn't seem to delight in this depraved show as much as I, showing his disdain with a grisly cringe.

What, is something the matter?

No. Nothing amiss at all. Be sure to eat every last crumb, I wouldn't want to think my work was wasted on a wastrel.

Alright. You guys still want news? My memory's a little foggy. Thanks for the donut though! Actually, I forgot what I was going to tell you guys.

The only thing that kept me strangling him through the bars was knowing that fate had already dictated a much crueler and inhumane course for this man.

By the way, hey guys, want to see what I made? It's a toy grenade! I carved it from a bar of soap.

I'm starting to see eye-to-eye with you on the donut plan, boss.

I the soap grenade from the man, taking special care not to touch it with my bare hands. It may just be useful for SOMETHING...


And it may be right here. Sgt. Peppers's office.



I escaped too, once. You should have seen it - woob woob woob woob woob!

I'm not here to listen to your mindless prattling. I showed him the soap grenade.

DUDE HE'LL DO IT, HE'S CRAZY

Holy shit don't do it! Don't pull the pin!

Oh god... that smell. I think he's going to need a change of pants. Percy, the rope to tie him up while he's still catatonic.

With gusto!


Beautiful.

After ting him enough to cause enough internal hemorrhaging to kill an elephant, we decided it was time to mosey on out of town. Just one little problem stood in our way.


Well shave my ass and call me Samson. Can't get out right now... time to look around the prison and see if we can get some help.


Hmm, a lantern, eh? All the guards had lanterns. I bet if we took this one we could disguise ourselves as guards just long enough to escape.

But... they're all humans. We're a cucumber and a persimmon, respectively. Do you ever realize how retarded your plans are?

If I had a reason for the things I did I'd be insane.


This is so not going to work.

A BIT LATE TO THINK ABOUT IT NOW RUN GOD DAMNIT


...







After breaking out of the most retarded jail ever, our heroes manage to earn their sweet freedom at the end of chapter 3. What wacky adventures await our dynamic duo? Tune in next time, same fruity time, same fruity channel.