Part 7

Mr. Swoon posted:

Seriously I can't stop this isn't healthy someone help

As much as I want to help you with your problem, being an enabler is so much more FUN. Speaking of being an enabler...

Chapter 7: Spoilers - I hit Percy again


No... no we're not. You MORON.

Boss, why does everything have to be an argument with you? Try to see things from a more spatial and relativistic stance.

The only thing I see relative between us is the spatial distance between my fist and your FACE.



ONE OF THESE DAYS BOSS...

Can it fruity, we've attracted some attention...


... a yam, asparagus, and squash. The squash was their leader, apparently.

You two wanna tell us why you were makin' a ruckus in our town?

Well, see, the kid is mentally handicapped and it's my life's mission to beat some sense into him.

We're Farmies!

See what I mean? Completely cuckoo.

FARMIES?! We don't take kindly to your type around here!

But we're not...

FARMIES RARGH GONNA HARVEST YOU

... nevermind.

I decided that now was as good a time as any to humiliate Percy's hopped-up ass and d the Resistance Crest to show our true allegiance, if you could even call it that.

So you're not Farmies?! You must be part of the Resistance!

And you must be a little slow.

There's a rumor that someone is here to rescue Princess Tomato. It must be you! There's a secret passage to get into the castle. Ask around on Pea Street for details.

Uh... okay. Thanks?

All I want is for someone to take me seriously for once.


That squash sent me to the ghetto. Fantastic. A seedy looking eggplant and a daikon radish were sizing me up.

Yo guys, one of my dudes rang you up a while ago. Glad to see you're here, got a big score I wanna let you guys in on.

Percy, shut the fuck up, you don't have "guys."

Do too!

Hey you, you not a cop, right?

Considering I am the savior of the land, chosen by the king himself, I informed the eggplant that I have the power of ten cops.

Hah, funny guy. I like you. So, uhh, interested in a fun time?

... THAT'S NOT HOW I ROLL CHIEF.

C'mon, hear him out boss.

Percy, take your faggotry elsewhere.

No, man... I got all kinds of good shit. Vicodin, hydrocodone, you name it. 'course, it'll cost ya.

Look buddy, I'm already high.

Damn straight!

High on LIFE.

...
...

_{Also someone hooks me up with oxycontin.} ANYWAY, we need information.

Ahh, well, then I'm your man then. 'Course, it'll cost ya, if you know what I mean.

... okay, you can have Percy for two hours and you can put it in any hole.

There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.

...

Flattering, but I don't swing that way. Anyway, I can give you information but it's going to cost gold. I also need to know if I can trust you, I hate Farmies and all...

Funny you should mention that since we ARE


Before the moron could finish his sentence I was already reaching for the Resistance Crest and a gold piece, to show off my credentials - my "street cred" if you will.

Ahh, much better. So you're with the Resistance, eh? Someone dug a tunnel halfway to the castle. See the old lady around the corner, she knows a lot.

That's... that's it?! I him upside the head for wasting my time and went on my merry way.

Hey man, you don't fuck with us if you know what's good for you...

It's not like an impudent rapscallion of ill-repute such as yourself can do anything to stop us. Come, Percival!

Percy, dilhole.

Whatever.


I... what the hell is that.

Like I said, it's the carrot hermit's wife.

But how do you KNOW?

He told me to look for the old woman in Sopville.

And what would you have done if there had been TWO? I can't even tell what the fuck she's supposed to be!

Would you mind not battering me with your relentless logic? She's a bean. I think.

It works for me... I guess. Who boned her when she wasn't a shriveled up blob isn't important. Excuse me, unrecognizable old blob, do you know anything about a passage to the castle?

Whosawhatsits? Oh I know a lot of things. Didn't you know my husband the carrot hermit?

... we've met.

Oh see, I could tell by that welt on the side of your head. Kinda reminds me of something else too! The Princess has a star on her forehead!

A star on her forehead? Percy...

Minister Pumpkin has her...

I thought back to all the adventures we'd had so far. First, there was the melon patch. Dried up fruits as far as the eye could see, rounded up and concentrated into a small encampment, only to be "harvested" at a later date. Nobody ever saw the bodies, only the horror stories of Wat Mel told the tale.

Wat Mel. Surely he was gone too, eradicated with the rest of them. I could have saved him, but in my haste I completely neglected that which was in front of me.

And the peanuts. The peanuts had been rounded up into a settlement entirely composed of their own kind. Another concentration camp, assuredly. Whatever ignoble secrets held in the settlements therein shall never be known due to my rampant arson. I had assumed they were monsters, dealing in their own kind solely for their own gain. Now I see they were simply making ends meet under the oppression of a malignant dignitary. Perhaps selling peanuts was their way of smuggling their own kind to safety, to ensure the proliferation of their way of life.

In my hubris I torched them to the ground. I wondered if this made me an angel of mercy or an angel of death.

The Minister and his Farmies were Nazis. All the pieces suddenly fit and I felt like a moron for not realizing it sooner.

I turned to the old lady, who was engaged in a conversation with Percy.

... and then my husband was hauled off to Ausnutz. He had my alzheimer's medication, too...

Boss, bitch just won't shut up, I've heard this story three times already.

Percy, didn't the carrot hermit give us some medicine? Maybe it belongs to her.

Hey you, old bean or whatever! Is this yours?

Oh that's my Aricept! Please give it to me, I don't... I don't want to forget the face of my own son again.

Oh sure, I can do that... 'course, it'll cost you.

I can't believe you. You're... you're... mailing me a black package?

It's BLACKMAIL you old hag.

Blackmail? You give me too little credit. I prefer calling it "extortion."

Please, so many memories I cherish...

Percy, give her the fucking medicine before she forgets where the secret castle passage is!

Fuck you, she's old and probably loaded. I can get some money out of this.

You...

I don't think I'd ever Percy as hard as I did now. The recoil from my blow was swift and powerful, despite the actual hit being a glancing blow at best. Percy has some semblance of pattern recognition so he tried to dodge. However, my fury was so concentrated that it still knocked him reeling outside the door and flat on his face halfway across the street.


In the process, he dropped the medication. What a surprise. I force-fed it to the old woman...

Oh thank you so much sonny! Anyway, what did you want to know about?

Those lowlifes out on the street mentioned that you know where to find the secret passage to the castle.

Oh, secret passage? I think... someone named Radish Ron? Dan? Don? Some radish... was it a radish? Anyway SOMEONE found a key to a room in the castle.

That's... that's not what I asked you.

Did I tell you about my son? Strapping young lad...

FORGET IT. I went and dragged Percy off the ground and went to hunt for more information.


HELL no. Your last piece of info got us nowhere.

So what you're saying is that we're disreputable, is that it?

Something like that.

Hey guys... remember that big score I told you about? Well, this cucumber mugged me and took it all. Gave it to the old bat in the house at the end of the street.

Is that so? D.R., let's rough this guy up. And the persimmon, too! Nobody likes a snitch!

I was out so fast that I wasn't even sure what had happened. Well, that's not entirely true. The last thing I remember is them rifling through my pockets, taking every last gold piece I had to my name. "This is gonna put me through college!" the smarmy eggplant replied. Pssh. As if trash like him could get accepted anywhere.

Upon waking up, Percy was still in dreamland. I noticed a rather bloody shovel next to us, which must have been what they used to nail us. Bastards. At least I'm going to get a shovel out of this.

Percy, get the fuck up.

Nrrgh...

I SAID GET THE FUCK UP! We're going to the bar, I need to drink this one off.


Percy, you drink like a girl.

Well maybe I'm trying to tell you something.

... I didn't need that mental image. I also didn't need the mental and, in this case, very tangible image of three drunk cowboys in front of me. And they had guns. I'd better handle this with all of my cunning...

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT, WE'RE FARMIES.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE in the bar started looking at us with a deadly glare. Uh oh. Once again I had to the Resistance Crest to diffuse the situation. This attracted the attention of the short cowboy on the right...

You... you're with the resistance, right? I'm Radish Ron.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, aligning myself with the Resistance has had its benefits.

These two... keep it under your hat but George and Dan here are helping the Minister. I found this key in the castle garden. It's for a room in the castle but I don't know which one.

Percy was furiously trying to construct a fake ID while I was talking with Radish Ron. I took the key and my failure of a sidekick and decided to keep asking around town, since I still didn't know where the goddamn passage was.


The owner of the general store had a huge smile on his face. A little TOO huge if you ask me, so my choice of action was obvious. Upon knocking him out, I stole all the spice he was selling. Soon I will put the indonesian trade routes out of business, and all will be well.

I'm just gonna help myself to this bread.

Put that down, you'll just drop it later.

Lacking anywhere else to go, we decide to pay a visit to the old woman again...


Huh. Apparently Aricept is highly effective. She also warned me the tunnel was never actually completed and that I'd need tools to finish it. Does Percy count as a tool?

We DO have a shovel.

I'm not letting you break it like you did last time.


I dropped the lantern a while ago and now we won't be able to see. Boy is my face red!

And it'll be BLACK from bruises before I'm finished with you!


God DAMNIT.

Okay! Now turn left, right?

I've been suspecting for a long time now that Percy is actively attempting to sabotage my journey. It only makes sense. The item dropping, the shady backroom deals, the suicidal insanity, so at this point it was only natural to do the opposite of what he said. I turned right, and then left.

I can't remember the sequence boss! How can you tell which way to go in this darkness?

I'm the fucking BATMAN, that's how. I've got sonar all up in this bitch. I felt the edge of the tunnel out the rest of the way until I hit a wall. Shovel happy diggy time!


SUCK IT PERCY, YOU WILL NOT FOIL ME NOW!


I beg to differ.

And that wraps up chapter 7. God damn did I hate writing that... the chapter is so damn boring in-game. Anyway, chapter 8 is basically the last full one, but it's so goddamn huge I'm going to have to split it in half. Will Princess Tomato be rescued? Will Minister Pumpkitler fulfill his dreams of legumesraum? Is Percy an even bigger threat to the land than Nazis? Answers to some of these and more to come next time!