Part 99: Erasmus Needs Some Serious Help

Chapter 6: Erasmus Needs Some Serious Help


Morning, Ann. How’s it going?
You know, when I first started the inn, I wasn’t sure it was really my kind of thing. But now I’m really inn to this! Inn fact, I was going to name this place the D Hotel. Welcome to D Hotel, Kaleemehra. You can enter any time you like, but you can never grieve…that sort of thing. However, I decided to be more inn-teresting.
Just what my morning needed—more puns. Mind if I have a meal here?
Sure thing! Take it easy, rider.



They started to make a salmon soufflé, but they didn’t have any salmon. They did get a good deal from Andre on some anchovies, though. Sal wanted to make a blueberry pie, but Marrak was selling bananas and grapes, so she made those into a pie instead. Just as Rover was taking the soufflé out of the oven, Tony called Tessie a frumpy old toadstool, so she threw the pie at him. She got him square on the face, and the fruit pie pan fell onto the soufflé, squashing it flat. So now we have anchovy pancakes and baked fruit. Hope you like it.
…How many of you are back there?
Oh, half a dozen or so. When the circus cancelled their act, I just had to take them all in.
I’m not going to ask any more questions. I’m just going to close my eyes and shove this stuff in my mouth.

*The food smells odd, and tastes odder.*


…And now I’m going to try desperately not to throw up. See you later, *urp*
Have a nice day!


Andre here only shows up in the morning since he’s out fishing during the day.

Hello, sailor.
Kalimehra! That means “good day” here in Silmaria. Welcome to our city. I hope you find happiness on this island.
Seems like happiness is in short supply these days.
Unfortunate, but true. I myself am the only fisherman left in Silmaria. My name is Andre, by the way.
You can call me Nike. The only fisherman, though? Where are all the rest?
Most fishermen on Marete live in the villages outside town, thus leaving the town’s harbor open to trade. However, they have been driven from their homes by attacks from armed mercenaries, and driven from the sea by attacks from tritons and sea monsters. Most have left the island entirely. The trade vessels are attacked too, so I may be the only sailor left on the island willing to brave the waters.
Do you know why the tritons are attacking boats?
Not at all. They used to be friendly and helpful to fishermen. Lately, though, they have attacked every ship that sails past the nearby islands. I don’t think anyone knows why they have become so hostile.
No offense, man, but it sounds crazy for you to still be out fishing.
Ha, ha! I suppose I am a little crazy, knowing what’s out there and going anyways. I saw what happened to the other boats, though, so I think I know how far I can go out without being attacked. Plus, as you can see, I am based out of Silmaria itself, so the mercenaries cannot bother me unless I sail too close to the villages. It also helps that I am making a lot of money by being the only source of fresh fish for the town. In fact, if you wish, I would be willing to give you a boat ride to the nearby islands.
I’ll keep that in mind. See you later, Andre.
It was good speaking with you. Yassas.


Back for more, Limp Dick? I thought you had learned your lesson yesterday.
All I learned yesterday was how to project your own disabilities onto passersby. I’m here to buy a sword.
What’s this? You finally learned that real men don’t use wimpy little daggers? Or did your gay lover sashay out of your life last night and now you need a replacement?
No, I just figured that I’d be nice and take away a stiff reminder of your own flaccid inadequacy. Oh, and a shield.
Show me the dough and I’ll show you my weapons.


In order, we have a dagger, spear, arrows, sword, axe, helmet, shield, magic spear, throwing spear, and magic sword. Spears deal less damage than swords but strike faster, while the magic equipment (naturally) is better than the standard stuff. Oh, and the arrows are leftovers from the bow they were planning to implement but didn’t.

Sure are a lot of spears for sale.
Spears are traditional weapons for real warriors. It can be used as a distance weapon or a close combat weapon. It is lightweight compared to most weapons, and does reasonable damage, in the right hands. In other words, it is everything your dick isn’t.
Is that it? I figured you could do better.
Your mom couldn’t do better than you, why should I try harder?
Well, whatever. Just get me the sword and shield.
Nice dealing with you. Now fuck off.


Hey, dude. Good to see you again.
Welcome back, Nike.
Hi guys. How’s it going?
I’m groovy. Hope you’re happy and healthy too.
Business has been very strong lately. Sadly, it is because of the evil events in Silmaria. It would be more pleasant if we had fewer, but happier, patrons.
Yeah. I kind of wish people would go back to just needing the stamina pills for dates.
…Those work for that?
Trust me, they are quite excellent. We still need a fresh supply of Pegasus feathers, though.
Oh, right.
Is there anything I can get you?
Yeah. I made some extra money last night, so I’m here to pick up a few health potions.
Groovy. Have a cosmic time out there!


Alright, Erasmus, I’d say it’s about time we had a chat. Now how does this thing work? I suppose I could just Trigger whatever spell he’s got on it, but then no one without magic could get up.


Maybe if I just give it a good kick.


Uh oh.





“What is your name?”

Oh what the hell.


Not this crap again.



Erasmus, you son of a bitch. Fine, I’ll do this again, but so help me if the giant cloud head asks me the meaning of life again.




“What is your name?”

Nike von Slartibartfast, like it was the last ten times.

“What is your quest?”


Right now? To save Silmaria, I guess.

“What is the meaning of life?”


The third question does not vary like in the first game, partly because you only have to answer the questions once to get access this time.

Oh god damn it! I just pulled a number out of my ass last time! Crap, what was it? Forty…forty…two?

“You are correct. You may pass.”


Oh, come on!



Wow, and here I was worried about what the gnome’s place would look like.


How do I even open these doors? I can’t get a grip on the handles!


…Oh.


Whoa, what the hell? Why am I floating? And how did I not notice this when I got Teleported here?


There you are! Erasmus, what the hell is—
Greetings, Nike! I am very glad to see you. Since all the troubles started in Silmaria, people have been leaving like rats deserting a ship.
Hey, I resent that remark. It promotes negative stereotypes of my racial species. I’m a member of RABID—Rodents Against Boring Idiosyncratic Discrimination. Our slogan is “Rat is where it’s at!”
Sorry, what?
Would you like to hear a joke? I’m always happy to tell one. What style is Baba Yaga’s handwriting?
I didn’t know she could write.
Of course she can. She uses CURSE-ive.
What? Hey, stop distracting me! I came here to tell you about—crap, I forgot.
Was it about the Rites of Rulership? You know, you really should get going on those. As I recall, they are a series of quests designed to determine the next king of Silmaria. Interesting custom, really.
He who quests with zest and bests the rest will own the throne for his home.
The Rites, right! What gave you guys the bright idea that I would even want to compete in them? I can excuse Rakeesh since he’s a paladin and always tries to pull this sort of stuff, but—


Where did Fenris go? And what’s making that ominous beeping?
You may wish to back away for this.
For what?




(From a distance) Rats!



*THUMP*

Oh well.



*Fireworks*


I’m getting out of here.


Hey, FA. I have been having a really weird day.
Hmm? Didn’t notice you coming in. Trying to get the phrasing just right in my new book, “How to be a Writer in Ten Easy Lessons.” ‘Course, lesson number one is to be inspired—not something I’m feeling too much of at the moment.
How could you not be inspired? I mean, all the stuff you’ve done, that you’ve written about—I’ve got stories coming out of my ears, and I’ve only been at this for a year now.
They won’t be much help to you after you’ve written them all down, let me tell you. You know, there was a time when I was a lot like you—young, adventurous, good-looking, bound to see the world. Running around became such a hassle, though. I’ve been there and I’ve done that and there’s not much left to do. So one day, I started this school. Just got tired of doing things one day, and decided to settle down for a while. Picked up a pen and started to write about some of the things I’d done. Guess I’ve been here for a long time now.
You’ve really done everything?
I might be exaggerating, but not by much. Dove into the deepest seas, climbed the highest mountains, crossed the thickest jungles, and had some wonderful relationships with the women I found there. Done just about everything you can to evil, too. Released it, trapped it, created it, destroyed it, argued about what “evil” really means. Say, kid, could you do me a favor?
Yeah, but please don’t call me that. I’m twenty four, and it’s gotten kind of annoying.
Sure. What would you prefer? Boy? Sport? Skip?
“Nike” would be fine.
You’re no fun. Anyway, I imagine you’re in a mood to explore Marete sometime soon. Well, somewhere to the north is the genuine Pegasus, the winged horse. Tried to ride him once, but he threw me right into the sea. Took me a while to get back to shore, too. So if you ever see where Pegasus nests, look for a stream nearby. That’s the Hippocrene stream. Pegasus stomped its hoof one day, and the water came pouring out. Bring me some of that water, Nike. It’s been so long since I tasted its sweet inspiration. I’ll make sure it’s worth your while.
I can do that. I needed to go up that way for feathers, anyhow. I’ll see you when I get back, then.
Thanks. I’m feeling dried up like a prune these days, and about as exciting.


Hmm, I don’t remember anyone telling me about this gate. I wonder what’s on the other side?

We shall soon find out. But not just yet, so be sure and come back next time for…well, you’ll see.