Part 100: Welcome…to SCIENCE ISLAND

Chapter 7: Welcome…to SCIENCE ISLAND


Not much out here, really. Just the cliffside.


…And a giant man-made platform just off the coast. Wow. Well, it’s not quite as insane as Erasmus’s place, so I guess I could go check it out.


Now how the hell do I get over there?


Sounds simple enough.


Hey, what the—it’s stuck!


*Ping*


*Splash*

Oops. Crap, I hope I don’t need that handle. I guess I could try the other lever.


Sounds like the gears are turning now, but the gondola isn’t moving. Damn, now where can I find another handle for this thing? Looks like it’s gotta be long, thin…well, that might work…


What, you use up your sword that fast?
I need a cheap spear now. It’s complicated.
Double penetration? I didn’t think you had it in you. I guess you will soon, though.
Sure, whatever. Just get me the spear.


Great. Now hopefully I won’t snap this one off at the base.




There’s a bit of lag between when you use the brake lever and when the gondola stops, so be sure to use it early or you’ll have to wait for the gondola to go around again.


Hey, the gondola doesn’t have a brake release. How the heck do I get this thing going again? Throw a stone at the lever?


Ha, ha, it worked!

Force Bolts will also serve this function well. Oh yes, and there is a bit more difficulty with gathering stones in 5 since there isn’t a separate walk or use action. Instead of “use”ing the ground, you need to find an existing pile of stones. These can be found by FA’s house and outside the main gate.


Luckily, the gondola automatically stops when it reaches the island and returns to the pier, so you don’t have to time your jump or anything.


It might not be Erasmus-scale nuts, but this place is still pretty weird. Why is there a gear blocking the door? And what’s with this green panel here?


Oh.

Hey, kiddies, it’s a quiz! And it’s not even copy protection, either. Now, I could show you all the questions and all the right answers, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, I’ll list the questions and their possible answers and have you, the viewer, try and figure them out! In fact, if someone is able to get every single question correct in both this and the second upcoming quiz, I’ll…oh, I don’t know. I’ll adapt another Disney song; you people seem to enjoy that. And an extra special bonus if we get to the next page before the next update. No edits, though!

1. What is the purpose of Science?

1. To explore new worlds and new civilizations.
2. To discover the true meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
3. To find out what dimension the missing socks go to when they’re washed.
4. To provide telepathic communication with ants.

2. What is the goal of the True Scientist?

1. To get tenure at a major university and be set for life.
2. To impress babes with your towering intellect.
3. To plot to take over the world!
4. All of the above.

3. What does every Scientist need?

1. To be able to spell Betelgeuse.
2. To be able to tell the difference between a hawk and a hacksaw.
3. A diploma from the Academy of Science in Silmaria.
4. A perpetual motion machine.

4. What is a Quark?

1. A bartender on a space station.
2. A measure of weight.
3. A particle of an atom.
4. All of the above.

5. Why is Science essential?

1. Without Science, the world would be destroyed by ignorance and superstition!
2. It keeps Scientists employed.
3. Were it not for Science, gravity wouldn’t exist, and everyone would fly around everywhere.
4. All of the above.

6. What is the essence of the Scientist?

1. A profound mind in a round body.
2. Brains, brilliance, and a body that won’t quit!
3. An incredible intellect and a flare for the savoir faire.
4. Subtlety and a bad temper.

7. What is the Academy of Science?

1. The domain where trained brains are disdained.
2. A gathering place for the greatest minds, a training zone for towering intellects, and an excellent and exciting environment for experiments. The best place in the world to be!
3. A collection of backbiting, plagiarizing, criticizing, crazy old coots who think they should rule the world.
4. A place where people who have no lives tell other people how to run theirs.

Got it!


Science Island!

Hello? Scientists? Man, this place is pretty empty. What’s this on the wall, a pizza or a pie chart?


Artichoke and anchovy? Eeehhh.


Oh look, another green panel!


I tried to hit the escape key to get a screenshot, but it didn’t take. And now, for a more empirical test. It’s honestly a bit easier than the one outside, especially since most of the possible answers are obvious jokes.

1. Botany: What is a daffodil?

1. A great price on a daff.
2. A member of the narcissus genus.
3. A very silly crocodile.
4. A pickled duck.

2. Physics: What is aerodynamics?

1. The forensic study of death by being pushed off a flying namic.
2. A type of exercise to music.
3. The branch of science that deals with the motion of air.
4. All of the above.

3. Geometry: What is a quadrant?

1. A four-person flame war.
2. 1/4 of an ant.
3. Where they keep the space-time anomalies.
4. An arc of 90 degrees.

4. Astronomy: Name a constellation.

1. Carcinogenic, the crustacean.
2. Prego, the Not-So-Virtuous.
3. O’Reilly, the Radar.
4. None of the above.

5. Zoology: What is an octopus?

1. A cephalopod mollusk.
2. What the parrot said as the cat ate him.
3. An eight-armed Katta.
4. All of the above.

Awesome! Although I have no idea what I would ever want this for. Oh well.



Oh, hey, didn’t see you there.
Yes, yes, I’ve been told I have that effect on people. I am Dr. Praetorius, head scientist and instructor at the Academy of Sciences in Silmaria.
I’m Nike von Slartibartfast. So where is everyone? Looks like it’s just you and the big green dude up there.
Most of the scientists are on sabbatical right now. There was a little disagreement about one of the experiments…well, you wouldn’t want to hear about that. Regardless, we are still fully operational as an educational facility.
You know, I heard about you guys from Dr. Cranium in Mordavia.
Dr. Cranium in Mordavia? Interesting. He published a study recently that I and…the other remaining scientist consider quite relevant to our own experiments.
Does it have anything to do with the big green guy up there?
You mean Gort? Ah yes, other than a slight speech impediment, Gort is the perfect example of the self-made man. He is the very model of the Aristotelian ideal. Just look at that splendid cranium capacity! You’ll not find a finer specimen anywhere.
…Right. So you’ve got a nice island setup here.
Indeed. Science Island was constructed by careful scientific processes. It has all the necessary elements for research, a microscope for the miniscule, and a telescope to explore the cosmos. There is a platform designed to land flying machines, and a crane to retrieve sub-sea-surface vehicles. There is also a slide for launching upper orbital artificial satellites. Unfortunately, most of those things haven’t been invented yet. But we shall! There is nothing that science cannot do! After all, it is simply the application of mathematics and reasoning towards solving the problems of the universe. For example, one could say that the flair of the hypothesis is equal to the sum of the glares of the opposite sides. Unless, of course, you consider that to be triangular reasoning. Ah, but you will be learning all about these things in the upcoming semesters! When do you intend to sign up?
Well, actually, I’m just visiting.
You mean you are not here to become a famous scientist? Um, I’m afraid I am very busy right now and have no time for salesmen, reporters, adventurers, or other riff raff.
Oh, come on, I just wanted to talk. Say, how about I get you a pizza? Would you like that?
Pizza? What do you know of pizza? Pizza is the essence of scientific principles! A well-designed pizza is like a well-designed experiment, balanced and planned in every respect. The crust must be crisp and to the point, like the hypothesis one seeks to prove by experimentation. The sauce must be the careful combination of the various substances distilled to their essence, like the exploration of a hypothesis of the experimentation. The cheese must be binding, like the culmination of the exploration of a hypothesis of the experimentation. The anchovies and artichokes which are necessary to the truly well-designed pizza are there because they happen to by my favorite pizza toppings!
Whoa. So if I get you an artichoke and anchovy pizza, will you let me wander around here?
…We’ll see.


You still selling artichoke pizzas? I could use one.
Certainly. May your mouth be pleased with your purchase.


Good, you’re still here.
Yassas! Are you here for a boat ride?
Actually, I was wondering about fish.
Well, let’s see, I generally catch big fish and small fish. The large fish are very good to eat. There is more meat than bone upon them, and they are easier to scale. Small fish are usually young fish who are avoiding the bigger predators. I use a rope net to catch them. For anchovies, I must use a cloth net.
You sell a lot of anchovies?
Not really; I mostly use anchovies to attract bigger fish. Did you want some? I am happy to share. Here, take a few.
Thanks.


I have no idea how he can eat this thing, but who am I to argue?


Here you go, artichokes and anchovies to order.
Why, this is quite marvelous! An anchovy and artichoke pizza, the ultimate combination of ingredients! I do believe you have the makings of a true scientist. Feel free to look around and learn what lessons you can fathom.

It’s not strictly necessary to get the pizza done right away, but finishing one of the Rites requires the cooperation of the scientists.

Wonder what’s in the microscope?


Gaah!


Manpowered elevator? Pretty snazzy.



Must be the landing platform he was talking about. Oh hey, another green screen!


So how does this work?


Ah. Hey, maybe I can grab that gondola down there!


After too many different attempts…



Got it! Well, that was pointless. Looks like it’s getting pretty late now. Wonder what I can see with the telescope?


Jammin’.


Oh, hey. When did you come in? And where did Praetorius go?
Do not bother me with your pointless questions. Save them for those with nothing better to do.
Well excuse me for showing scientific curiosity.
You’re excused. If you must know, I am Dr. Mobius, the greatest scientist on Science Island. Unfortunately, that understates my true genius since I am perpetually surrounded by dolts. Fortunately, most of them have left me in peace at last.
Yeah, Praetorius was telling me about everyone leaving. Something about an experiment?
Science Island was created to keep out the prying eyes of jealous neighbors. Here we would pursue our research and experiments without fear of offending some petty peasant. Unfortunately, we had not accounted for the possibility of jealous and petty fellow scientists, hence our currently low attendance. They don’t realize that science is the ultimate power: it bends everything else to its needs! Why, simply watch a glassblower make hard glass melt by applying a little heat. That is science at work! But no matter; they shall soon come around to our way of thinking. If you take a look around, you can find the results of past experiments everywhere around here. Just remember, there is no such thing as a failure in science, only evidence against one hypothesis in favor of another.
Is this about Gort again?
Ah, Gort, now there is a truly worthwhile specimen! Have you noticed his magnificent upper body development, the finely tuned coordination in his extremities? And he manages to keep his mouth shut, unlike some. Now leave me to my experiments, and do try not to break anything.
Could I bring you a pizza, too? Praetorius seemed to like his.
Praetorius is a fool! He thinks of symbols and allegory, but pizza is really the ultimate fuel! Some day we will invent cars, airplanes, even spaceships. Undoubtedly they will need pizza to get anywhere. Of course, the pizza needs sufficient Fire to achieve its full potency. Pepperoni and jalapeno toppings; those are the secret to a truly world-dominating pizza. Everything else is incidental; those are incendiary!
Actually, I’ve got a pepperoni and jalapeno pizza with me right here. It’s kind of cold, though.
Nonsense, pepperoni and jalapeno pizza never gets cold! Ah, and there it is, the ultimate blend of science and art! If we could but harness this power, we could rule the world! Care for a piece?
Why, thank you. I wonder…


Yep, looks like Mobius put up his own pizza pie chart. What a crazy pair.