Part 26: Capricorn: There Are Puns in Your Future

Chapter 5: Capricorn: There Are Puns in Your Future


Thanks for the exercise, Uhura, but I should be going now. I’ve still got a few people to see.


The Astrologer. The astrologer is pretty easy to find, simply a straight road south off of the palace.

Oh, I’m sorry, you’re not Hasan, are you? It’s hard for me to tell from such a distance. Come in anyway, and welcome. I am Abu al-Njun and I am the “Astrologer of the Stars and Omens.”
Who’s Hasan?
My lens washer. Wonderful boy, but a bit convexing at times.


Here is where many a “oh crap, what did I put?” moment is born. Lucky for me I know how to spell Slartibartfast. You can afford to fail this one, though; all he’ll say is “Really? That doesn’t sound quite right.”

Ah, it is indeed a name for heroes. What have you come here to know?
Well, you are an astrologer. What’s in the stars?
The Eye of the Shadow is over the city. The Dark Hand is moving toward us. There will be misfortune here shortly.
Shadow Eyes and Dark Hands? What?
The planet known as the Eye is currently in the Shadow constellation, which means the darkness is watching us. Who knows what evil lurks? I sure don’t. The stars that shape the Hand signify action. Right now they are dim, which means oppression.
So the oppressive Hand of the Shadow is reaching towards Shapier, which is under its view? You don’t sound at all like the horoscope I got back home.
The future is not always bright. Lucky for me, the Sultan Harun al-Rashid (May his stars always bring him fortune!) knows this, and permits me to relay the good signs with the bad.
It’s not set in stone, though, is it? I mean, we can avoid the bad stuff?
Oh my, yes, certainly, especially with a qualified hero like you around.
Great, yet another person expecting me to fix everything. _{Should’ve known there’d be strings attached to the whole “hero” thing.} Anyway, what’s with all the stuff around here?
Which stuff do you mean?
Is that a yes/no dart board?
It is. The casting of darts is the astrologer’s version of the Scientific Method.
What’s with the star chart with all the lines?
Actually, my stockbroker gave me that.
What’s the rebus poster say?
I’ve never been good with those things.
How about the spinning model thing?
The orrery works on magnetic principles. It was told to me that it describes an obscure system, containing such planets as Xenon, Ortega, Pestulon, Phleebhut, and Uranus. I don’t know what to think about Uranus.

Inexplicably, the remake doesn’t allow you to ask questions about the stuff lining the room, which is why I felt compelled to point out all the jokes involved in doing so.

So did you have anything more specific you could tell me about my future?
I’d need to know more about you, to know which stars guide your path. Can you tell me anything about your history?
Well, I suppose it all began when my dad took a bet with his drinking buddies over who could pick up the tavern wench. Those days, he had a full beard, and…

*Hours Pass*

…which was when I got my first FACS course. I suppose Dad thought it’d keep me out of trouble, but boy was he wrong! My mom wouldn’t stop bringing up the ladle incident for years…

*More Hours Pass*

…and the ad said “No experience required,” which is what really stood out to me. I figured, “Hey, it’s a great way to stay out of Mom’s hair, plus I might make some money if I could find a thieves’ guild.” Man, if I had known what was involved, I would have turned the other way and just kept walking. So when I was traveling, I met…

*Even More Hours Pass*

…and I STILL don’t know what to make of Sheema. I mean, the outfit’s nice, and heck, I’ve hit on centaurs before, but she’s a cat! Ears I could deal with, but…hey, do you think you’ve got enough to work with now?
*Zzzzzzz…Snrkt* Huh? Oh yes, plenty to work with. Just…leave for now, and I’ll have your fortune ready by tomorrow.
Great, thanks for listening.
Remember, come and see me again when the future arrives!


So what do I do here? Just knock?


He may have teleported you to the bottom of the mountain, but at least Erasmus let you try again. If you get anything wrong on the fields, even a single letter, then Aziza will refuse to let you in for the rest of the day. This is particularly annoying since her icon doesn’t show up on the map until you get inside, but at least you only have to go through it all once. Just remember to save before knocking. The questions she asks are:

Who is it that seeks to enter? (Do try to remember your name for this one)
Who is it that sent you here? (Either Keapon Laffin or Harik Attar work, but make sure you give both parts of their names, or it won’t work)
What is the Element most appropriate to the owner of the Magic Shop? (If you can’t guess this, you need to check your eyes)
My first is the first, My second the last, Next comes Myself, Then back to the end, And beginning again. Who am I? (Simple when you remember who you’re here to see)


Aziza

You may enter freely into my home, Nike von Slartibartfast. Come in, sit down, and be welcome.


For far too long, I didn’t realize that all you need to do is type “YES.” I thought I’d have to “SAY YES” or “AGREE” or something like that, and as far as her reaction to not answering her question goes, Aziza could write the Miss Manners column. If you do anything she perceives as rude, you will get teleported out and not allowed back in until the next day. At least you can “APOLOGIZE” after doing so.

Why yes, I would like some tea.
Wonderful.



*The tea is cool and refreshing. You find yourself relaxing as you drink and listen to the sound of flowing water.*

Now that we have shared tea, what is it for which you have come?
Just a social call, really. Hey, I just noticed, but all the wizards I’ve seen in town seem to have an elemental bent. Harik has flames painted on the ceiling, Keapon’s shop looks like it’s in the sky, Abu has all sorts of star charts and models, and you’ve got quite the water motif. Why is that?
The basic elements of fire, earth, air, water, and ether hold great power to those who wish to specialize. I myself rely upon water, the element of healing and life, for most of my spells.
What about Keapon and the others?
Keapon is powerful, but his spells are all childish. Harik is a good alchemist, if a bit fiery. The astrologer does know what he is talking about, and some of his predictions have even turned out accurate.
He was just telling me about some pretty bad news in the sky, actually. Do you think he’s told the sultan?
The Sultan Harun al-Rashid is a most wise ruler. He often consults both Abu and me for information about things. He has a good deal of understanding about people, and he knows how best to use them. He is doing everything in his power to prevent the ill omens from coming to pass.
So do you know much about what’s going on in Rasier?
Unfortunately, Rasier has been closed to my Far-Seeing since the Emir vanished. Soon, I will try a different type of spell to see if I can gain more information. The Emir Arus was a foolish man who ruled more with his heart than his head. There was magic involved in his disappearance. Since he has been gone, the city of Rasier has fallen into dark times, and many have fled the new tyranny.
Far-Seeing?
It is a method of scrying that relies on water for its source.
I suppose that’s all I wanted to know for now. Oh wait, there was one other thing. The FACS Advanced Course talks about djinni, but no one seems to know much about them. Most of the info seems pretty straightforward, but what’s a “marid” and why is it so powerful?
Iblis was a marid.
Who?
Iblis once sought to rule the world and created a great city in the middle of the desert, but Suleiman ben Daoud [Arabic pronunciation of Solomon son of David] summoned all the djinn to rise against Iblis. Iblis was bound in a statue, and his mighty city was destroyed to become his tomb.
He sounds pretty dangerous.
He was. But that was over a thousand years ago, so I would not worry too much about it.
Alright. Well, it was nice visiting you, and I hope to see you again soon.
May you journey well.



Honest Ali's Used Saurus Lot

Ah, there you are! I’ve been looking for you (although for the life of me, I can’t imagine why). I’m Ali Fakir. Honest Ali Fakir. Welcome to Honest Ali Fakir’s Used Saurus Lot. “If we don’t have the saurus you want, then you don’t want one. Of course, even if you don’t want one, I’ll be happy to sell one to you. You look like a man looking for a saurus. I have the finest saddle saurus you can find. A magnificent saddle saurus! (If you ride one, that’s exactly what you get.) You never know when a saurus might come in handy. Why, just the other day, you were thinking to yourself: “Self,” you thought, “if only I had someone to play pinochle with!” If you had a saurus, you still couldn’t play pinochle (you couldn’t even pronounce it). It just goes to show you. And speaking of shows, have I got the saurus for you. The Saurus. That’s where you look for synonyms. And speaking of sin, when it comes to sauruses, well, let’s just keep your personal preferences a secret, shall we? (They don’t call it Saurus Rex for nothing.)


I’ve seen an awful lot of sauruses and I’ve seen a lot of awful sauruses. The saurus is the ship of the desert, and you can’t ship it far enough to suit me. All a saurus takes is a little grass (say, a bale), some water (around 20 gallons), and a little love, and it will follow you anywhere, which can get mighty embarrassing at times, believe me. Picture yourself, mounting your very own saurus for the first time. You get up, you fall off, you mount up again and sit proud in the saddle, knowing you can ride with the best of them.
…Hi there. Who did you say you were again?
I’m Ali Fakir. Honest Ali Fakir. Honest Ali T. Fakir. I bet you don’t know what the T. stands for? Edgar. But you were close enough. My name is Honest Ali Fakir. Pleased to meet you.
And you want to sell me a saurus.
Just to show you what a swell person I am, I’ll throw in a free saddle and bridle with the purchase. In fact, I’ll even let you have free room and board at the stable (I’ve had enough boardom as it is). All this for a mere fifty dinars. What do you say?
Fifty? That’s too much.
Perhaps there is more a brain about you than I suspected. Shall we shake hands on forty dinars for the saurus?
No, still too much.
You certainly know how to drive a hard bargain. Why don’t we just agree at thirty for bridle, saddle, and saurus?
…No.
Well, we certainly are going nowhere fast. I’m willing to make you my best offer. Twenty dinars and you ride away on a new (for you) saurus. What do you say?
…No?
You know, you drive a hard bargain. I respect that in a man (whether I’ll respect you in the morning is something else). This is my last and final offer. Ten dinars. If I go any lower I’ll have to stand on a chair to take your money. Now do we have a deal, or is this a deal?

All this happens if you keep typing “no” into the command field. You can actually make him give you the saurus for free eventually, but I decided to go with the “bargain for” function in order to get this response:

Let’s see, my asking price was 50, your calling price 10, I raised you 2 clubs, you doubled, I redoubled, the stock market crashed, I doubted your double, you called me (just what, I’ll never repeat), and we came to a gentlemen’s agreement of 20 dinars. How we got the gentlemen to agree is beyond me. Just a minute and I’ll introduce your saurus to you.


Ah true love at first sight. And what a sight for saurus eyes. Seeing that you two kids are hitting it off from the start, it sounds like a good time to start heading off. Hello, I must be going. An exit line if ever I heard one.


Several of the bits in “Fakir’s” dialogue are actually taken directly from another of the famous Marx films, Animal Crackers. Again, go see it on YouTube or something. It’s great.

Why are there so many crazy people around here? Is it the sand?