Part 28: How to Be WITty Part 1

Chapter 7: How to Be WITty Part 1


Well, no point in sleeping tonight. I guess I could get in some practice before sunrise. Heh, I bet there isn’t an enchantment preventing spellcasting cast by an ancient half-fey in this city.


…An arrow? I wasn’t expecting that when I cast Detect Magic. Guess I might as well follow it.


This is the north end of the northernmost dead end. It’ll show up on the map as a pair of pillars.


Sweet! I wonder where it goes? Hey, this door isn’t real! I don’t feel a lock here at all. But…hmm. I wonder if the Open spell will work?



A barren star field? Something tells me that I have to go in now.


The Wizard’s Institute of Technocery.

*You have entered a very strange place. The path you walk upon seems to be carved from ivory. The walls around you seem carved of marble. Between the walls and the path is a gap through which you view total darkness when you look down. When you look up, you see the same limitless black. You have a funny feeling you aren’t in Shapier anymore. You have been walking through halls hung with the portraits of many Wizards. At last, you come to some pictures that you recognize. You hear several voices.*

Voices: Who are you that enters the lofty portals of the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

Um, Nike von Slartibartfast, sirs.

Voices: Why have you sought to enter into the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

You mean, “What is my quest,” don’t you? What is it with you Wizards and this fascination with questions?

Voices: Insufficient answer.



_{At least I don’t have to climb a god damned mountain this time.}


Before you ask, I’m here to be a wizard.

Voices: Very good. Now, who do you call upon to be your sponsor and mentor in these hallowed halls of the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

Aw man, I need a mentor too? Fine, let’s see who’s here. Now who’s the guy on the right there? Is that Merlin? Hey, cool, can I be Merlin’s student?

Voices: Trismagister Merlyn Ambrosius, Wizard of the Isle of Gramarye: do you accept Nike von Slartibartfast to be your initiate into the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

Merlyn: Have we met before? No, I don’t believe so. Sorry.

Damn.

Voices: You must choose another sponsor.

Hey wait, so you’re not going to kick me out for getting rejected? Great, let’s keep going. So, guy on the left, Harry… “Houdini,” can I be your student?

In spite of his profession, Houdini spent much of his free time debunking those who tried to pass themselves off as real psychics and fortune tellers, likely because he caught one using stage tricks when he tried to contact his dead mother. I have no idea how he’d feel about being featured in a blatant fantasy game, though.

Voices: Houdini, Prestidigitator Paramount of far-away-lands, Master of Escape: do you accept Nike von Slartibartfast to be your initiate into the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

Houdini: Mmmmph! I’m (gasp) a bit tied up (m-m-mmmmph!) at the moment, uh…uh…(ack!) The name escapes me. Now, you really MUST excuse…(choke)…me.

Voices: You must choose another sponsor.

Alright, I suppose that’s fair. So, the blond chick on the right, that’s Erana? Kinda reminds me of Genesta. She looks nice, can I get sponsored by her?

Voices: To our regret, she has not answered our summons for many years. You must choose another sponsor.

Strange. How about Aziza?

Voices: Aziza, Enchantress of Shapier, Wizard of Water: do you accept Nike von Slartibartfast to be your initiate into the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

I cannot pass judgment upon the candidate until I have worked with him for some months. I am unwilling to have someone I do not know well as my initiate.

Voices: You must choose another sponsor.

How about that guy next to her? “Ad Avis?”

Voices: Ad Avis, Wizard of the Southern Sands, Enchanter of the Elements: do you accept Nike von Slartibartfast to be your initiate into the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

Ad Avis: So, a Want-to-Be Wizard seeks me for a master? I am not interested in half-trained novices. However, should you actually become a Wizard, you might be of use to me. There is much I can teach you. Until that time, find someone else to paper-train you.

Voices: You must choose another sponsor.

At least he considered it. Say, what’s with the giant blacked-out portrait? Can you redact Wizards?

Guys?

Whatever. Alright, how about Zara?

Voices: Zara Shashina, Wizard of the Eastern Woods, Emissary of the Faerie Folk: do you accept Nike von Slartibartfast to be your initiate into the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

Outside of the few spells I gave him, I have no knowledge of his skills or abilities. I will not accept responsibility for him.

I should have expected that. I suppose I’ve been avoiding him intentionally, but I guess I have no choice. Ask Erasmus if he’ll sponsor me.

Voices: …
Earth Wizard: Do you actually request such a…whimsical Wizard to be your sponsor?
Water Wizard: It was the choice he made.
Air Wizard: But you know what Erasmus is like. Do we have to endure his sense of levity?
Fire Wizard: It was the initiate’s decision. Let him abide with it.
Voices: Very well. Magister Erasmus of Zauberberg, Archmage Extraordinaire: do you accept Nike von Slartibartfast to be your initiate into the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery?

Let me see…Nike von Slartibartfast…Ah, yes. The young Hero who was so bright.
You think anyone who laughs at one of your jokes to be intelligent.
A good sense of humor is an excellent indicator of superior intellect.
Yes, but the keyword is “good.” Heh, heh.

Voices: Erasmus! Do you or do you not accept Nike von Slartibartfast?

I, Magister Erasmus of Zauberberg, do hearby accept Nike von Slartibartfast as my initiate for WIT.

Voices: Wizard’s Institute of Technocery.

Of course. Now, Nike, before you can be initiated into WIT…

Voices: Wizard’s Institute of Technocery.

…Wizard’s Institute of Technocery, you must prove you are magically and mentally worthy. You will be presented with a choice of three objects. Using the spells at your command, you must choose the correct object, move it to the stand, and cause it to ring using only three spells. The choice of the first two spells should be self-evident, and the third is also…

Voices: Erasmus!

Oh, all right. Well, good luck, young hero, and remember the joke about the man who grew more mellow as he grew balder…
He no longer had hair-brained schemes?
No, he no longer had such a hair-triggered temper.

Voices: Erasmus!

Very well then, Nike, please step into the dark room. Purely a formality. Don’t worry about a thing.


Ow! My nose!



Alright, so what can I do here?


So, pick the right bell out of three? That means an area spell. Calm probably won’t affect bells and Dazzle doesn’t work on things without eyes, but I wonder what Detect Magic will do?


Ha! So it’s the one on the right! Now how can I move it onto the pole? …I guess Fetch doesn’t necessarily have to pull things towards me.


They should really have called this telekinesis. Now how do I activate this thing? Wait, that’s it: Trigger!





However, before you can be considered a Wizard, you must pass the trial of Initiation the wizards of WIT will give you. I warn you, the test will take all of your wits and magical skills in order to succeed. If you succeed, you will then face…but I can say no more.
Say no more.
So, Nike, good luck!
Promises, promises. You said you would say no more! (heh, heh)
Oh, Fenrus!
Good luck, Nike.



Voices: You have shown yourself to be resourceful in your use of spells under simple conditions. To become a Wizard, you must prove that you are capable of using magic under time-critical and life-threatening conditions. You will be presented with a series of four tests. They will require all your intelligence and magic. Should you fail, your very life may be endangered. Will you accept the challenge and walk the path of Wizardry?

I guess.



Why am I doing this, again?