Part 29: How to Be WITty Part 2

Chapter 8: How to Be WITty Part 2

Oh yeah, because I’ve got nothing better to do after midnight. Alright, wizards, bring it on.


Air Wizard: You must now stand into the wind.


Ooh, a spinning staff. That’ll stop me.


Aw, crap, his spinning staff is stopping me! How can a staff even generate this kind of wind?!


Fine then, I’ll just climb down off the walkway and go along the edge.


OHGODI—


–MGONNADIE Hey, I’m just out in the alleyway. Well, try, try again.

I should add that running out of mana is another good way to get kicked out. You can get away with taking pills to make it through, so just make sure you don’t end up trying to cast a spell when you don’t have enough at that moment.



Do I have to answer all your stupid questions again?

Voices: No. Continue your trial.

I like these guys a lot more than Erasmus now.


Right then, I’ll just use Force Bolt to knock the staff out of my way.

Aim the Force bolt at the edge of the staff for optimum effect. Alternately, cast Fetch at the center to do the same thing.


Staffs don’t work like that!



Not that a bunch of wizards would care, anyway.



Hah! I’ll just Levitate out of the way! Ohcrapit’sdraggingmedownthinklightthoughtsthinklightthoughts


Good. That was a pretty simple test after all.


Earth Wizard: You must now face raging earth and stone.


…

That’s it? I expected it to do something when you said that it’s “raging.” Guess I’ll just climb over. _{Silly mages and their “oh no, we can’t climb vertical surfaces!”}


That’s different. Uh oh, I think I put my hand in its mouth.


This simply won’t do. Maybe I’ll just Trigger the rock while I’m not climbing on it.



*Whock*



Yeah, yeah, I know, try again. Keep it under your hats, will ya?


Right, so Trigger it from a bit farther back…


…Then blind the sucker with Dazzle!

Note that Calm works equally well for this.



Ha! Can’t do anything to me now, can you?


Oh damn it he’s knocking me towards him and Dazzle doesn’t work if he’s not looking um um Calm!

Trigger will also turn off the spell for this.




An iceberg. You’re kidding, right?


Too slippery to climb, of course. But hey, I’ve got a Flame Dart with this ice’s name on it!



Damn, still too slippery! The pieces are too big to use Fetch, so how do I knock the two pieces apart? Wait, that’s it! Force Bolt!


Still not enough. Well, they did get pushed apart when I aimed for the crack, maybe a couple more will do it?



Bingo. I am so awesome.

Using Open on the fractured iceberg will also work, and without needing any of the Force Bolts, either.


Fire Wizard: You must now withstand the fury of my flames.


Well that’ll be easy when you put a door in front of them. I’ll just Force Bolt the door over so it’ll put out the flames…




Aw hell.



You guys are enjoying this, aren’t you?


Fine then. I’ll just open the door and—


Hot hot hot!



Don’t you worry, I’ll get this eventually.


Fine, I’ll just Open the door from way back here.


Great. So how the hell do I douse flames? Maybe there’s something in the Advanced Course…*flip* *flip*
“Calm the flames?” Eh, it’s worth a shot.



*The flames have died down, only to reveal a hole burned into the pathway.*

Great, and I just know that falling into it will get me kicked out again. Man, if only I could reach the door handle from here…hey wait, does Fetch work on doorknobs?


Sweet! Now I just Force Bolt the door down…




I did it! Take that, you elemental jerks!




Earth Wizard: You have proven yourself worthy of the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery and Erasmus’ faith. Congratulations. You are now a Wizard Initiate.
Air Wizard: Now you have outgrown the childish Hero business and can devote yourself to years of metaphysical musings and esoteric exercises designed to invigorate your intellect and to manipulate your mental and magical muscles.
Water Wizard: You have passed this day from the lesser mortal plane into the Realm of Wizards. You are now qualified to begin your post-graduate magical training. In fifteen or twenty years, you will be ready to return to the world of mere men. Until that time, you will bask in the sunshine and security of academia, knowing you shall receive the best of all possible educations.
Fire Wizard: Ahead of you are the wonders of Wizardry. Behind you are all the petty problems inherent in the mundane land. You have passed beyond those weaklings who depended upon your skills and dared to call you “friend.” You will now learn the real Magic of the Wizard’s Institute of Technocery—knowledge gained through careful study.
All Wizards: Walk away from the world of those fools who claim they need you. You are more than just a Hero now. You are a scholar! You have only to take the oath that you will ignore and forget about those who said they needed you in the land of Shapier and devote yourself to the improvement of your mind and magic. Will you take the oath?

A free ride, cushy job, and a way out of the Hero business for good? How can I resist?

*You walk the hallowed halls of the ivory towers of WIT and devote the next twenty years of your life to learning. You become one of the greatest scholars of all time upon the subject of “Scrying Scrolls.” You never did return to Shapier again, because, for some reason the WIT Wizards were unable to explain, the door to that land became permanently closed. They believe it had something to do with the land being destroyed.*



Then again, there are some guys who are kind of counting on me. As much as it annoys me that I’m the only one capable of saving the day, I’d rather not disappoint them all by leaving. And besides, I’m a thief, not a mage!

All Wizards: Well, it is obvious you think being a Hero is more important than being a scholar. Perhaps someday when you have matured a bit, you will comprehend the enormity of the education you have ignored! The Wizard’s Institute of Technocery is for real Wizards rather than the real world!

*Poof*

Congratulations, Wizard Nike von Slartibartfast! You have shown exceptional intelligence by refusing to take their silly oath. After all, what good is magic or knowledge unless you use it?
Hold on, what about you? Don’t you just sit in your house all day?
Not always. Let’s just say that my youth was a great deal more exciting than the Wizards of WIT wanted it to be. Regardless, in celebration of your achievement, my graduation present for you is the “Reversal” spell.
Cast Reversal and magical attacks directed at you will rebound to their caster. But take care—it will not help against the indirect effects of other spells. You should now return to Shapier. They really need a real Wizard-Hero like you there. And remember, “Those who can, do.”
Those who can’t, tell others what to do?
Fenrus, when is a rat not a rat?
When it turns into its rat hole?
No, when it’s e’rat’icated. What did the rat say as he fell 12,000 feet straight down?
It’s a long way to tip a ratty? Or maybe, “Cheese it, I Swiss I hadn’t gone this Whey.” Oh, all right, what did the rat say?
I’m not sure either, but I know a way to find out. Care to volunteer?
I guess I Bleu it. I’d Cheddar be Gouda for awhile, right?
Right. At any rate, Wizard-Hero, good luck and farewell!


Well that was largely pointless. But hey, new spell!