Part 97: Welcome to Memory Lane

Chapter 4: Welcome to Memory Lane


This underpass leads down to the gate region of Silmaria. Above it, the balcony leads from a staircase to the right of Wolfie over to the apothecary, making the area a full circle. Knowing this will come in handy later.


Somehow the tiny stream leading out of the town square has become a giant waterfall, because that arch in the back leads back up. We’ll be heading left later, but right now we’re going right.


This is the adventurers’ guild of Silmaria. Looks like it’s been doing pretty well for itself.


Plenty of trophies to look at here (Pumba, no!). Before I mess around with the billboard and logbook, I think we should introduce ourselves to the guildmaster.


…Who happens to be a large minotaur. Oh, and the last moose head happens to be up above the fireplace.

Good see hero Nike. Good hero Nike here. Toro like hero Nike.
Sorry, do I know you?
Hero Nike not remember Toro? Toro at hero Nike hero party. Toro glad hero Nike free Elsa.
Hold on—


(Not the right dimension, but I’m using it all the same.)

You’re THAT minotaur?!
Toro happy hero Nike remember Toro!
What in the world are you doing in Silmaria?
Toro come with Elsa. Elsa good. Elsa hero. Make brigands leave Spielburg. Fight brother all time. Brother dumb, but brother boss. Dumb boss, bad boss. Elsa leave Spielburg. Elsa come here be boss. Elsa good boss.
Elsa’s here? You mean she’s in the Rites of Rulership? I guess the dispel potion didn’t make her experience vanish like her clothes did. Where is she? How come you’re here?
Come here with Elsa. No like man Elsa with. Stay here in Silmaria.
What man?
Man got money. Man got big house. Man got big boat. Man got Elsa. No like man.
Is that where she is? At the man’s house? Then why are you here? In the guild, I mean?
Toro come here. Guild guy ask Toro if adventurer. Toro say yes. Guild guy say Toro guildmaster. Guild guy go, Toro stay. Toro guildmaster.
Weird. Just like that?
Like Silmaria. Feel like home. Like guild. Important job. Miss Elsa. Want Elsa be here more. Guild good place talk adventure. Good place make body strong. Good place learn things. Good place. Only bad thing Elsa not here more.
I don’t suppose you’re in the Rites?
No! Toro not want be boss. Toro not want fight Elsa. Elsa friend. Hero Nike friend.
Thanks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I should go sign in.
Hope see hero Nike later. You good man.


Much like the guildhall in Mordavia, there is an exercise machine that increases your stats here. In addition to Strength, though, the treadmill with the goofy head also increases Vitality. It changes speed (and music) depending on if you click or double click on it, with running increasing Strength more than Vitality and walking doing the opposite. Now let’s check the board.


Like the one on Nob Hill, the board is divided into four categories. The first is “Potion ingredients needed,” which only lists Salim’s lack of Pegasus feathers (keep on truckin’). The second is Announcements, which once again states that the Rites of Rulership has opened its membership. Help Wanted is where miscellaneous quests go, but it only has a listing for Sarra, who is apparently missing a small wicker basket. The last is Wanted Help (bounties, y’see), which lists a 2000 drachma reward for information about Justinian’s assassin.

You can also read the logbook, although there’s not much in the way of stories since Toro put a new one in when he replaced the old guildmaster.

“I, Elsa von Spielburg, have come to Silmaria to win the Rites of Rulership and become ruler of this kingdom.” Well there you go. Wonder if I can meet her again soon? “I, Magnum Opus, warrior extraordinaire, shall soon rule all who are here. You are most privileged to be in my presence.” Damn, pompous much? “Kokeeno Pookameeso, guard of Silmaria, has become an adventurer so that he may compete in the Rites of Rulership. Silmaria shall have the ruler she deserves.” See, now that guy makes sense. Silmaria should be ruled by someone who knows what the place is like. Gotta wonder at him writing in the third person, though. Hmm, nothing else except something about the Dragon of Agnor, the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and…“Sir Not Appearing in This Picture.” What the hell? Oh well. “I, Nike von Slartibartfast, have come to Silmaria to have some fun and maybe kick a little ass while I’m at it.” I think that about sums it up.


Behind the guildhall is the way to the docks.


Not that there’s much in the way of docks, mind you. I image they must all be off to the left, where you can’t go. You only ever meet one fisherman, too.


This here is the Dead Parrot Inn, although it won’t open until 5 o’clock.


In the back is the other way up to the main square, while in front is our soon-to-be good friend Pholus, the weaponsmith.


What do you want, you little shit?
Hey, now. Is that any way to greet a new customer?
Are you? And I suppose you want to enter the Rite of Rulership? It’s going to take a real warrior to become king of Silmaria, not a scrawny little punk like you.
Hey! I’ll have you know I’ve saved no fewer than four lands from horrible evil (some more horrible than others, admittedly).
You’re a hero? Wouldn’t know to look at you. Fine then, you’ll have a good chance to prove it around here. Just enter the Rites and we’ll see who’s a hero and who’s a limp dicked cocksucker.
So what do you do here, aside from advertise your deficiencies?
Limp Dick has a mouth on him! You’re braver than you look, although that’s like saying your anus isn’t quite as wide as the ocean. I’m Pholus, weaponsmith and seller. You need a good weapon, you go see me. If you want a good lay, you go see your mom. You got a spare weapon you want to get rid of, I may decide to buy it, assuming you didn’t use it to ready your ass for when your gay lover rammed all three inches of his cock into you.
Reminiscing about the good old days? Because I’d rather talk about something newer than your impotency issues.
Fine by me.
How much do you know about the adventurers in town?
There’s a strong warrior in town who calls himself Magnum Opus. He knows how to use real weapons, unlike the dinky dagger you call your little man. There’s also a big, ugly guy that hangs around with the scientists. I don’t see that he’s got any weapons, but I’d hate to mess with the size of those fists.
What, so many painful memories that you can’t sit down?
Nah, I’d just like to avoid the beatdown he gave your mom last night. Anyway, there’s also a woman trying to enter the Rites. I can’t believe a woman thinks she can become king here. Kings are men, not dames. She’ll learn her lesson soon enough. If you play in the big leagues, you’ve got to be tough. The Rites of Rulership aren’t for wimps. You need brains and brawn, the best combination for the true warrior.
Yeah, they’re not kings, they’re queens, who I’ve seen run quite a few “king”doms in my travels.
I guess you’d know all about queens, wouldn’t you?
I’m done with this. See you some other time.
Better luck next time, Limp Dick.


We’ll be going through that gate later. For now, let’s see who’s living way out here.


“FA”

…Books.


Oh, hello. Who are you?
What? Oh, what are you doing here? Can’t you see I’m busy?
What are you writing?
Just another of these damn correspondence courses. Not like anyone ever reads the blasted things.
Wait, no way…are you the Famous Adventurer?
So far as you know, I suppose. I’ve been called a lot of things in my time, but you can go ahead and call me that. It’s mostly what I’m known as now.
Oh man, I can’t believe I finally get to meet you. I just want to say how big a fan I’ve been of your handbooks. You’re the reason I got into heroing.
Really? I didn’t think anyone ever read the crap I write.
Well, yeah. Your courses been a big help over the years. Oh, that’s right, maybe you’d know…

*Thief sign*

Oh, no. I’m not going to admit I know that sign. It can get a guy in real trouble, you know.
But it’s just us in here.
Yeah, well, I’m not exactly what some would call a “member,” if you get my drift. I just knew a few back in the day.
Oh.
And that’s pretty much all I’m good for these days: disappointing people. Got some advice for you, kid. Don’t grow old. It ain’t worth it.
I’ll…keep that in mind. By the way, were you a guildmaster recently? Because there’s this minotaur now, and from what he said…
Yeah, that was me. No one’s been an adventurer in this town for years, so I gave the job to the first poor fool to walk through the door. I wanted more time to write things no one ever reads.
Why are you so down on yourself? You’ve got a ton of books here; haven’t you sold a bunch?
I wish. Just an old man’s hobby. I’ve got a bunch of “How to Swim” manuals over in that pile, but I can’t move them at all. Heck, you can have one if you want. Might as well just be giving them away.
I…could I get your autograph?


Yeah, sure, bring it over here.
Thanks. It means a lot to me.
Sure, kid. Now get going before you grind to a halt like I did.


Autograph or no, the Handbook of Swimming disappears once you read it.


But not without leaving you an extra skill. There’s one quest that requires Swimming to complete, but beyond its simple existence there’s no point requirement, so don’t bother training it much.


It’s after 5, and that means the party’s started. If you don’t know the time when the bar opens or don’t keep the clock up all the time like I do, the guard just outside the door only appears once you can go down into the tavern.


The Tavern (track 1)

The oversized entrance. Head left to visit some old friends.


Ferrari. And Ugarte? I wasn’t expecting to see you again.
And I was not expecting to see anything again. Fortunately, a certain hero brought chaos to Raseir at a very lucky time for me.
Ah, if you don’t mind, Ugarte, I would like to begin with a formal introduction with our friend here. Prince Nike von Slartibartfast of Shapeir, I, Signor Ferrari, along with our mutual friend Ugarte, welcome you to my humble abode, the Dead Parrot Inn. It will be interesting to see what you can do for Silmaria. Rumor has it that you could be her next king.
Well, you know what they say about rumors, Ferrari.
Ha, ha, ha! Very well, I shall wait and see, along with everyone else.
Now, about what happened in Shapeir…
A nasty business all around, I assure you. I had fully intended to involve you in a mutually beneficial partnership, just as I promised, but Khaveen’s men entered the Blue Parrot just before sunrise and made it quite clear to me that there were only two options: stay away from you, or share your fate. I may be a man of influence, but even I cannot stand in front of a stampede and not expect to get trampled.
It is fortunate for us all that everything ended as it did. You became prince of Shapeir because of it, no?
Yeah, I guess. Honestly, I think Ad Avis might have planned on getting me jailed right from the start.
You see? There is nothing I could have done one way or the other. Now, let us leave this ugly business of the past and talk about our present.
Looks like you’ve got a bigger place than last time.
Ah, yes, I was quite surprised to find such a valuable piece of land abandoned as it was. The Dead Parrot Inn is an oasis in this dreary little kingdom. It is a place to relax and refresh yourself from a busy day. If you are skilled, you can earn some money at the Wheel of Fortune. If you are lucky, you can make some real money betting on the combat held each night in the arena. If you are very, very skilled, you can make even more money by fighting in the arena, and backing your winnings with a few well-placed bets.
Wait, you mean I could bet on my own match?
Only if you bet on yourself, of course. We wouldn’t want you taking an unscheduled fall, after all, heh, heh.
I saw some Raseirian guards posted all over the place. Who all did you bring from Raseir?
Aside from a selection of guards who were considered too…unscrupulous for the present regime, I have brought Ugarte, as you can see. He continues to prove his usefulness even in this unfamiliar setting.
I am a businessman, and I’ve always had my sources for information. If you need to know something, I’m certain I can find out what you want to know. For a modest fee, of course.
Yes. I also brought a pair of women who wished to do more than sit around in a harem all day. I’ve been told you may recall them, as well.
Really?
Don’t take my word for it. They are over by the bar if you wish to talk to them.
Maybe I will at that. Oh, right, I also wanted to ask about the local guildhall.
I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. You realize I wouldn’t bother acknowledging any sort of signal you gave me, right?
Fine. Ugarte, where’s the guildhall?
A fellow felon, eh? The guild is hidden near the west gate. Look under the bridge and be sure to watch for traps. [You get points for using the thief sign on both Ferrari and Ugarte, but you only get directions from the latter.]
Great. Goodbye, Ugarte. Goodbye, Ferrari.
Yes, good to see you again. I am quite certain that we will be seeing more of one another in the future.
Farewell, my friend. If you have any need of my services in the future, you can usually find me here at the inn.


Before we meet the ladies, there’s someone else at the inn who responds to the thief sign.

I see. It be under the bridge to the west. Watch for traps.
You sound odd. Are you a pirate?
Not precisely, matey. I be Arestes, a retired seaman, as it were.
So what do you do around here?
I be drinkin’ the brew and chewin’ the fat with any that care to sit with an old sailor. What else I be doin’ you’ll know sure as you find the place I mentioned.
See you there, then?
I be sure.


I know a few things I’d like to do to you.
My name is Budar. If you see something you like, just let me know.
I’m Nawar. If you like what you see, let me know.
…Ladies.
Oooh…it’s always a pleasure to meet a man like you.
I prefer the pleasures that come after meeting the man.
Nawar may be amiss, but she doesn’t miss much.
Feels like the temperature just went up a few degrees. Is it all the torches, or is it you?
The torches aren’t the only things around here that are hot.
I’d be happy to serve you a drink to cool down. What can I get for you?
How are the drinks here?
The Dead Parrot Inn is the place to visit if you’d like a little nip now and then.
I know I like to nip every once in a while.
Or you can gamble on combat or skill or on love, if you like.
I know which I’d like.
I don’t suppose you two recognize me from my appearance back in Raseir?
I could never forget an entrance like that, oh Hider-In-Harems. It’s just too bad we didn’t get a chance to get to know you the last time we met.
I knew it was you. I’d never forget your…face. I’d certainly like a chance to get to know you better.
Me, too. So what’s the wheel behind you there?
This thing? It’s the Wheel of Fortune. I’m sure you can use it to show all the skill you have in your hands.
Maybe later.
Come back soon. I can’t wait to see your…um, smile again.
Come on back and see me sometime.

Nawar is one of the four women you can pursue a romance with. She is the official thief romance, as he’s the only one who’s supposed to have even met her before. She is also the easiest to get, simply because most of her requirements can be done at any time, rather than in specific windows between Rites like the other three. Plus, you know, she’s easy. I mean come on, listen to her.


Before we get into the Wheel of Fortune, let’s explore the top floor.


For instance, here’s where the arena bets are taken.


As you can see, Kokeeno Pookameeso is this week’s champion, which means he has to fight in every battle for the next four days. Five, if I sign up (cost: 100 drachmas). But I don’t have that kind of money after splurging on spells, so we’ll get back to it later.


Also up here is a mysterious hooded figure dressed in black and sitting alone in a darkened corner of the tavern.


He also happens to respond if we use the thief sign.


And apparently he hates you, but he’s at least polite enough to be passive-aggressive about it. You can’t get a word out of him otherwise.


Finally, there’s the ghost. I have no idea why there’s a plainly dressed ghost wandering around up here, but something happens if you try to click on him.





I have no idea what just happened, but it made Honor go up by about 15 points. He’s only good for the one boost, though.


But now, on to the Wheel of Fortune! Right now all we’re allowed to play is Matching Colors, which pays out 5:1.


And this is where it all happens. The three wheels constantly rotate until you hit them, at which point they stop moving. Also, though you can aim at the parrot, you can’t hit it. This becomes problematic once the parrot starts pissing you off (incidentally, the part of the parrot is also played by Steve Blum).


As you can see, getting three colors is absurdly easy when you’re given five daggers, which is why you get fewer on higher difficulty levels. However, once you beat this game three times, you’re allowed to play the other, better game:


Three in a row: the best and most annoying way to get money in the game. The payoff is 10:1, which means you can actively make a profit even if you lose eight times for every win.


However, the game is really, really finicky about what a “row” is. Plus they all have to be on the same color, which can get difficult since the wheel moves faster every time you win. Five daggers are quite useful for this game.


Still, once you figure out what it’s looking for, you will start to win, and win big.


After a quick few rounds, I could enter the Rite of Rulership immediately. Not like I’m going to, of course.


Instead, I’m entering the gladiatorial contest and betting 1000 on myself. I should add that the odds correct based on bet weight; while getting 6000 drachmas would be nice, once I place the bet the odds adjust to 5:6 instead, meaning that I’ll only get 200 profit once I win. And the more I kick ass in the ring, the less money I’ll make betting on myself. Oh well. Next time, we’ll go to the arena and see how Kokeeno does against Abduel.