Part 10: Episode X: Non-Smoking Section
Episode X: Non-Smoking Section
When last we left our heroes, they were ambushed by a giant centipede. I'm convinced Capcom just has a dartboard with animal and insect names upon it and that's how we're getting the enemies this time around. With that said, let's persist...
I still can't believe the best they could come up with is a goddamn centipede... Well, I guess spiders, bees, moths, roaches, mosquitoes, ants, and probably a few other ones were taken.
In any case, that key Rebecca picked up before we were so rudely interrupted is the Fire Key. Which goes to the Fire Motif doors. As, they've run out of door themes while they're at it. I'm surprised they didn't just go the whole nine yards and steal all the ring powers from Captain Planet. You'd have to assemble some phallic rod (broken into three pieces, of course) for heart. It'd be great.
The pair return to the dining room.
I hope everyone notices there is clearly an open service window next to the door. Good.
This kitchen actually received a 96% from the health inspector. As the flies found buzzing about were two feet tall, they could not be faulted for it.
In any case, another of the game's 'fuck you' minor inconveniences is solved.
"Better move out another inventory space, kiddo. Cause I'm about to equip me some cigs."It came to my attention that the Fire Key hadn't vanished from my inventory. After about ten minutes of searching, I found its second use...
Right down the hall from the room I need to use the lighter in, of course. I should really stop getting sidetracked by these shiny doors.
Again, ignoring the magically materializing rags. How were the Molotov cocktails getting lit earlier? Is Billy a low level mage?
"W-W-W-What POWER!" "It's over ni..." <head explodes> "Would you get your foot the fuck out of my chest? Jesus!"
Let's play a game. Where is the key item! Is it...
A.) Behind the picture.
B.) In the oddly shaped column.
C.) Behind the obviously out of place book case blocking half the bookcase behind it.
D.) There is no key item.
Ready?
If you picked behind the bookcase, you win a nice shiny 'no shit' award!
"This had better be porn. I swear, if this isn't porn I'm going to hit you, Rebecca."
"Why me?" "Cause I got stuck with Frumpy McSurfboardchest and that big haired dick in Resident Evil gets Jugs McTentaihentaifodder. So if I'm not happy with what's inside, it's your ass."
"What the...?"
"I hate you. I hate this house. I don't even know what the fuck to make of this. This entire thing is stupid and boring. I want to go home, drink a beer, and watch bears fighting in the woods on TV." "There's a show like that?" "Yeah, it's on FOX."The duo return to the newly unlocked room at the end of the hall.
A dimly lit untidy study. What a surprise. Has nobody heard of fluorescent lights?
If that moose has some sort of item wedged in its eye, I'm finding a Capcom executive's mother and pushing her down a flight of stairs. Anyway, a file. If I have to suffer through it; so do you.
Assistant Director's Diary
*****September 2nd*****
I imagine this man is guy is pulling his hair out constantly as people are injecting viruses into frogs and splicing kangaroo genes with walruses and turning them into zombies.
Why hello unnecessarily convoluted backstory pulled out of prequel's ass. How are you doing?
*****September 25th*****
Scholar Will, who goes on to inject a deadly virus into himself knowing full well a side effect, other than dreadful mutation, is an insatiable desire to impregnate your offspring with your mutant seed.
Practical Al, who goes on to use an untested virus which requires he dies messily before it kicks in.
*****October 7th*****
"Someone tried injecting a virus into a squirrel again."
"Oh, Jesus. I'll get the mop."
What a coinkie-dink. The evil researcher of the game just happened to notice the only two significant villains appearing in the prequel back when they were youngens.
He's going to tell Birkin that he has all the recessive genes.
Billy tucks the note away and flicks on the lights.
Oh, it's just above the moose antlers at an angle it'd be impossible for anyone below to see. Most original.
A clock hand being on the back of moose antlers in a dark room? I don't bat an eyelid, anymore.
The pair return to reuse the lift to make it to the clock puzzle.
"Hey, Rebecca. Nice job on having your fat ass break the lift." "Look, how can you make fun of me for being weak and skinny and call me a fat ass?" "By making you feel self conscious and growing an eating disorder. Come on, let's go for a hike, tubby. You could use the exercise." My butt isn't that big...is it...?A five minute dull as paint drying hike later...
"Whelp, smoke break time. Get to it with the puzzle making." "Eww. Gross. Do you know what smoking does to your lungs." "I will drag you back to the kitchen, find the dullest knife I can, and cut your fucking lungs out with it if you utter another word of your fucking anti-smoking speech." "Well, could you do it outside, at least?" "I gotta stay here and make sure you don't screw up the puzzle."
Isn't going to all the trouble of finding the hand enough? Must we manually set the clock to the appropriate time?
The answer is yes and you're lucky the game isn't making each character separately turn a hand at the same time.
Smashing. Even more of this stupid big mansion to explore. I'm beside myself with anticipation.
The newly unlocked room in the main hall is closest, so the pair investigate that first.
It never ends...
A Verse of Poetry
"This mansion is dumb.It is driving me insane.
All these retarded files and items are making my brain numb.
It doesn't help my sidekick is very plain."
"I just had to get stuck in a prequel.The pointlessness of this all is without equal.
My partner is making me feel like a pat rat.
My bum isn't really that fat... Right...?"
"Bwahaha."
Another microfilm presents itself. Now, all we need is a projector...
The twosome travel to the other newly unlocked door.
Well, how convenient.
Sliding the first microfilm in displays this image. It appears to be an aerial view of the lecture hall.
Sliding the second microfilm in overlays this image. I know this is going to result in something I'm going to hate.
Hey! Don't copy that floppy!
I swear, I must have backtracked through every room in this mansion at least three times so far and I'm not even half way done.
!!!
This could be trouble...
Actually, there is. Remember that slide from a minute or two ago?
Yup, the whole room is the input device!
Not just that, it's a nifty partner required input device. Where you have to position your partner in front of one of the corresponding numbers (Capcom, thanks for inverting the layout of the room compared to the microfilm, due to the camera angle) and have one of the pair press a button and the other press the second button within a second or two.
This, of course, unlocks all the armor barred gates to the house. Never have I been filled with so much dread due to doors unlocking.
In any case, the closest armor door is in the lecture hall, so we'll explore that first. A hallway with two sets of doors. Well, let's see what's behind door number 1. It can't be worse than the clock business.
"Hey, Rebecca..." "Yeah..." "You want that cigarette...?" "Yeah... Yeah, I do..."Tune in next time for giant chess pieces and the longest file ever!