Part 13: Episode XIII: Phoning it In

Episode XIII: Phoning it In

When last we left our heroine, she was attacked by an evil zombie monkey. This random as hell attack was interrupted by her randomly falling through the floor. But, forget all that. There's characters to have nothing to do with our heroes which need attention. With that said, let's see how the W.B. is doing...


You took the words right out of my mouth.


"I mean, really. It's like a fucking fanfic. You can't be serious."


Nevermind the illegal experimentation, abductions, assassinations, tax evasion, and general crimes against humanity that would make Dr. Mengele blush. This is serious business.


"I mean, he still has his dad's carwash business to fall back on. But, forget about ever working in this town again."


"What was our job again?"
"Shit, I don't know. They gave me a lab underground, patted me on the head, and I haven't heard from anyone in months."
"I just have to make sure the Police Chief doesn't do anything crazy."
"The necrophiliac sadistic rapist?"
"That's the one."


"Steward in accounting's birthday party."
"Shit, it's his birthday? I didn't get him anything."
"Don't worry. He's due for an assassination later this week. It'll only be awkward for like a day or two."


"Does it involve balloons?"


"And my eyebrows. Who needs eyebrows?"


I think in the Resident Evil universe, "combat data" means a really sweet video of guys getting their shit wrecked by the monster you're trying to peddle to the highest bidder.


"What would happen if you put your new G-Virus together with the T-Virus?"
"It'd probably cause some crazy irreversible transmutation. I don't anyone stupid enough to try that."


Even members of S.T.A.R.S. think members of S.T.A.R.S. are shmucks.


And your tie... What the hell is going on with your tie?


Oh, for god's sake...


Birkin is going to do this? William Birkin? A scientist that cannot even tie his own necktie properly? He is going to march down to the training facility, deep across zombie dog infested forest, skip down into the mutant bug infested basement, and set off the self destruct mechanism? This man has brass balls.


"Psst. Call me..."
"God, you're a cunt..."

Meanwhile, back at stuff that is relevant to the actual game...



"Billy! Help!"
"What is it?!"
"I fell down a hole!"
"How did you fall down a hole?!"
"A zombie monkey attacked me and I..."
"Wait! There's fucking zombie monkeys?!
"Yeah. I don't know. Anyway..."
"So there was a zombie monkey in the room and it pushed you down a hole."
"No, I fell down the hole escaping the zombie monkey."
"Why would you jump down a hole to escape a monkey? They can climb and shit."
"The floor collapsed."
"From the monkey?"
"No. It just sort of fell apart. Maybe it was a trap."
"Yeah. Your mouth from eating so much, fat ass. Bwahaha. Hey, zombie monkey?! You over there! Rebecca is so fat she broke through an entire floor."
"Just come save me, you ass!"


Billy, somehow, psychically knows the location of Rebecca. But, it's not that newly unlocked door in the previous hallway. Oh no. Remember the steam going off in the boiler room?


That's right! Backtracking half way across the friggin' mansion to save Rebecca's ass.


"The steam isn't that hot. That girl is a pussy."


"She'd better be glad she's holding that friggin' handgun of mine or I'd find where she was and throw bubblegum into her hair."


I might as well take time to talk about the zombie monkeys, as they're all over the place, at this point, and are annoying as hell.

Looking it up, their proper name is the "Eliminators". They're tiny. They're fast. They're pissed. They take a good three to four shotgun shells to kill and they have a secret weapon...


The ability to punch people right in the dick. Really, that's one of their main attacks. They have the spaz out jumping on the back, which Rebecca suffered. A generic leaping swing. And a front crotch punch. A dire ability, in any case...

"But, they forgot one thing... Jews..."


"...hate..."


"...monkeys!"


Billy passes a highly ornamental fountain on his way to Becky's rescue. Surely, a puzzle awaits. But, enough about that...




"Don't get any ideas. I only saved you because it gave me a chance to show off my bitchin' tribal tats."


Oh gawd, the porn voice over dubbing is set to guy on guy!




"And your fat ass isn't pulling its weight. I have three fucking herbs in my inventory. Unmixed. You think hanging on for dear life is an excuse for this?"


Well, gee. Everyone and their mother just wants to phone in during these last two updates. Nice of everyone to join the party.



Is this asshole still back at the turned over van? Has he not encountered the giant bugs, zombies, and vagi-leeches? I think some escaped con would fall a wee bit down on the priority list compared to flesh eating cannibals... Of which finding was the point of the whole mission in the first place!


"Consider your next words veeeeery carefully, dollface..."


Enrico immediately accepts that answer as satisfactory and hangs up. No mention of coordination between the team. That she's stuck in a kooky mansion miles away from the helicopter crash site. The fact that Kevin got horribly mauled, turned into a zombie, then shot in the face. That's it. We'll not hear from him again for a third of the game.


"You take orders from a fat Mexican guy. Bwahaha."


It had to have just been Bring Your Daughter to Work Day at the RPD and Rebecca is being rebellious and just bullshitting everything from there. Everyone on the S.T.A.R.S. Team is just so utterly incompetent that they just went right along with it.


The face of every man who's ever endured a woman he wasn't banging who was whining about their job.


Crap. Is this that character development shit? I gotta put up with that? Well, hell...


What do you do now, Billy? Ball is in your court. Gotta make this twat stop yacking if you're ever going to make it back to civilization and get laid. What do I do... Do I...


Tell her a melodramatic sob story about how I'd been framed by the government and was totally innocent? She looks like a mook that would buy that...


Make up some kooky pratfall farce about a series of unfortunate events that may or may not have lead to the untimely death of 23 people... She's stupid enough to believe the whole thing...


Or do I greatly embellish the whole event to scare her shitless and live in fear of me snapping and tearing out her lungs with a dull rusty knife...? Sure, the kid'll need years of therapy if she makes it out of here. But... Hell, I'm half way there already...


Or, shit. I could just mace her, shove a few health sprays in her inventory, and call it a day... Fuckin' A!

Tune in next time to find out what Billy decides!

Bonus Content:

The W.B. comedy hour:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlBhbXNDfEI /Backup

What happens if Billy takes a smoke break during the whole 'save Rebecca' sequence:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLYpRkqUnuU /Backup