Part 15: Episode XV: Size 16 Font
Episode XV: Size 16 Font
When last we left our heroes, they'd just had a flashback which revealed either Billy is a terrible story teller or Rebecca has the comprehension skills of a six year old. With that said, let's get puzzlin'...
The following areas are very, very dull and monotonous. So, I'm cutting to the highlights and saving you the hour or so of mind numbing boredom I endured. You can thank me later.
First, we had that statue fountain type puzzle. Did I mention I hate this game's font? In every Resident Evil game before this one, if you clicked on damn near anything, it would give you a brief one line description of what you were looking at. Zero will have none of that. For, you see, Zero's font is so big it requires, at minimum, three prompts to get through any description. God help you if there's a small item at a weird angle and you can't quite position properly.
Rekindle the flames of life
from the spirits of the
weak!
So basically, we need to use the lighter on these statues behind Billy in a certain order to make this gate release. How do we figure out that order? Why, vague hints etched beneath each of the statues, of course.
greatest horned beast.
supple limbs.
Hey, thanks for keeping it under one line.
displayed.
even the mightest of kings
with my poison.
No creature can escape my grasp.
So, in case you cannot figure it out or don't care, it goes:
Deer < Wolf < Horse < Tiger < Snake < Eagle
Patriotism wins! We lose for having done this retarded timesink. Moving right along... There are two rooms up ahead. In the first...
Our heroes discover one of the three tablets, required to escape, in a burnt out fireplace. Where else?
And in the latter? Why, a file, of course.
Management Trainee's Diary
"He gave me this weird shirt..."
"I should have stayed in community college..."
Why would you go about touching leeches. Unless, of course, he was touching leeches.
"All you can eat burritos in the cafeteria last night. The horror..."
You see? This fucking font is so big they can't even fit a three letter word to make that saying not sound retarded. Madness!
Doesn't it jost?
Look, don't try to cover up your typo by being a really shitty imitation of the much better written and creepier file from the original Resident Evil. I'm on to your game.
"Now, you go off to the Umbrella Corporation and make a livin' for yourself like ya father." "But dad was blown up in a self destruct sequence." "But he made good money before he was blown up in that tragic accident." "Tragic?! There was a count down and they locked everyone in to make sure there were no survivors." "Your father wouldn't have left anyway. He was too dedicated to his work." "He was a janitor." "He was a laboratory maintenance technican. God rest his soul. Now, get your things. The bus to the training facility will be here any minute."Tossing aside that latest awful file, the pair double back and head to the lower level.
Rebecca discovers a locker key for the world's most unnecessarily tedious weapon upgrade.
Next...
"Jack-fucking-pot. Rebecca, leave the room. It's far too manly in here for your presence."
"Motherfucker! You see what you did? Your taint fucked up all the guns. I hate you. I'd take away your ammo if it didn't mean I'd have to take less smoke breaks."
While Billy laments the big 'fuck you' cock tease Capcom throws at us, Rebecca puts that locker key to use.
Which reveals a locked metal suitcase ripped straight out of Code Veronica.
Luckily, randomly spinning the thing, until you get lucky, reveals the number to unlock the case.
Since, just finding the locker key wasn't enough. We need a twenty second time sink on top of it. Every second of gameplay counts, people.
"I could have killed the whole goddamn planet with all these. Why?"
<tinkers> "What are you doing?" "Err... My gun jammed. Trying to fix it." "You're a fucking pox upon firearms, you know that? Let's go."
"My Jew sense is tingling. Is that something shiny down there? You park your lard rump here and man the controls. The guns might be broken but at least there might be a runner-up."
Another terrible partner puzzle involving moving gates Billy could quite easily just climb over ensues.
"If it's shining in pitch darkness, it's got to be worth something."
"Rebecca?! What the fuck did you do?!" "Nothing! It's that button you pressed!" "Don't you dare fucking try to blame this on me!" "I'll see what I can do!" "I'll look for some popcorn and hope you get ripped in half."
"Hey! HEY! You get the fuck away from that, you green sonuvabitch!"
"You mess with the Coen and you get a taste of Dixie." "Go green monsters. You can do it!"
So, we have the Hunters. These are actually about the most imposing enemy in the game. They have a very fast instant kill attack. Take a ton of damage. Can dodge bullets. And are generally quick and deadly. So, of course, they get next to no intro or fanfare. It's all about the zombie monkeys.
"All that for another key? Rebecca, all that for another stupid key!" "Are you alright?" "Yeah. Of course. I tore one's arm off and impaled the other with its friend's claws. It was fucking awesome." "Darn it!"With the underground fully explored, the pair return allll the way back to the mansion second floor in order to use the newly gained Water Key.
I'd try to pick a more interesting place to stop. But, we've run out of interesting locales until we finish this disk. Maybe if there wasn't a decision to throw some random peril, a new enemy, Wesker/Birkin conversations, and Billy's flashback all in the same twenty minutes, we wouldn't have that problem.
But, I believe that's asking far too much from this game...
Tune in next time to maybe, if we're lucky, the end of the first disc!