Part 3: Episode III: The Many Uses of Leeches

Episode III: The Many Uses of Leeches

When last we left our heroine, she had lost a teammate, encountered a serial killer, and found herself staring down an undead best. All within thirty seconds of one another. With that said, let's get cracking...


Things don't go so well at first...


But, Rebecca is able to subdue the zombified canine. Those (another one smashed through a window across the save room door) were Cerberuses, in case you were wondering - a series mainstay enemy. They bite and jump and bite. That about covers it. Sometimes they bark too, I guess.

In need of assorted unlocking devices, Rebecca heads back toward where she begain.


This is the car where the initial zombie encounter was. We missed the beginning of it, as we were thrust into the soulless void of the FMV world upon entering. Anyhow, there is an open hatch and a staircase leading up, at the beginning of the car.


The open hatch is useless at the moment. A very annoying gameplay item will be needed to access the roof. Let's try upstairs.


There is an antique rotary phone at the top of the stairs. I don't even want to begin to think how the hell that works.


Also, someone shat a gigantic pile of leech eggs in the middle of the hallway. I'm not even going to ask.

Finding nothing of much interest, Rebecca rounds back downstairs and heads to the next car.




"On an abandoned train full of horrible undead monsters and the escaped convict we're looking for and oh God! Edward is dead and there's zombie dogs! For the love of God send help!"...would be an appropriate responds. Becky is taking a bit more low key approach to her situation.


This somehow fixes the reception.


...the wrecked wagon? This prick is still dicking around at the crashed van and looking at the documents Rebecca found 20 minutes ago? And he says 'we'. Are they all still dicking around at that van and only sent Rebecca and maybe Edward off into the zombie filled woods?

And thanks for the ominous...23 people... Why don't you add 'he'll likely ravage your body repeatedly before he slowly guts you, as he did the rest of his victims. Over.'


So, go ahead and tell him to send back-up since this guy is on the train. Hell, she has the key to the only way out of this car and she's yet to see Billy again. HE'S IN THE ROOM!


"Rebecca! Come in! He's Jewish, Rebecca! Watch out! Over."


"Just like Je-" *crackle* *bzzt*


He hung up, ya dumb broad. Maybe you should haven't gone all over the radio and said something.


Forget it. Just go to the next cutscene. See if I care.


Rebecca finds herself at a bit of a crossroads, as there is a staircase and a sliding electronic door ahead of her. This is, of course, no real decision. As this is Resident Evil. That sliding door needs, at minimum, a keycard or the power to be restored.


"It's not like I was hiding in the previous train car, listening to your conversation, and am trying to gain your trust so I can shiv you in the back when you least suspect it. "


It'd be like some kooky romantic comedy. Shit, just cast Rebecca as Meg Ryan and Billy as Tom Hanks and you're there.





"Have you seen this shitty inventory system? I'm going to need a pack mule for my junk something fierce or the backtracking will be just completely unreasonable, to say the least."





You're right. She does look more like a 'little boy' from this angle.



It's bad enough that Rebecca Chambers is a porn star's name, but must every bit of dialogue from these two sound like it was ripped out of a low budget skin flick?


Nobody mentions what, exactly, she's going to try. But Billy has a mean look going on, so it's best to not ask questions.


So, let's try reading this file.

Notice to Supervisors


So, if the power to the eatery door in the speeding train goes out, it's just a simple matter of climbing on the roof. Sounds reasonable.


Which is, of course, broken. It would take some crazy sort of Batman-esque device to make it up there now.


I refuse to believe this department of the company actually exists.


Well, that was pointless. Let's check out upstairs.


Oh, for fuck sake. I've only actually 'played' this game for about two minutes out of twenty.


:oldman: "I ordered my tablecloth rare. This is well done!"


"You've got a 'kick me' sign on your back."


"Here, let me get it for ya."


"Do..."


"...I..."


"...really?"


I had this happen to an uncle of mine at Thanksgiving once. Talk about awkward.


"Soul collection failed?!"



Good lord! He's turning into the plot of Dead Aim!


Oh wait, it's just the leeches from the intro. Wait, WHAT?!




A sneak preview of Basic Instinct 3.



So, was the old man filled with leeches, burst open, and the leeches decided they were better off chilling in the old timer and reassumed his form?


Or do leeches have what is essentially the same ability as T-1000, only slimier and more elderly?

I decided to consult Wikipedia for guidance on this subject.

While I learned leeches were hermaphrodites and was forced to delete the leech orgy joke back by the eggs screenshot, I found no mention of their having a hive mind capable of imitating human form.


Peter O'Toole lashes out at Rebecca. This is a new enemy type, but this is not really a proper battle with it. So I'll elaborate upon it in the future. Once Mr. O'Toole takes enough damage, inflicts enough damage, or Rebecca just runs off...



The leeches decide fucking around as some retarded shaky old man form with whip arms is stupid and instead go back to the old tried and true leech rush.


Kekeke.





And thus Rebecca Chambers dies a horrible, horrible death. The end.





















Just once I'd like things to work out that way. Is that so much to ask?




I'm not sure how a single bullet is able to blow away about three leeches. But, these are liquid metal leeches. They play by their own rules.



With all of about five giant leeches killed, the entire swarm decide to give up their assault. Or mourn the loss of their comrades. Whichever.


This will be the first of many, many times Billy will be saving Rebecca's scrawny ass.


"Hey, Dave?"
"Yeah, Russ?"
"The fuck does this guy think he is shooting Johnson like that?"
"Punk ass bitch is what he is."
"Let's bust a cap in this broke ass white boy's ass."
"Hells yeah!"
"That's what I'm talking about!"
"But, Russ."
"What?!"
"We ain't got no arms."
"...fuck. Well, shit. Just jump at him and bite his nose or some shit. That'll show him."
"Just the two of us?"
"Just fucking jump."


"Keepin' it real!"





Little did Russ and Dave expect Billy Coen to be equipped with bullet time gunplay skills.



I'm not sure if I'm more impressed by diving and shooting two leeches in mid air or the fact both leeches had anticipated this move and adjusted their leaps accordingly.


Actually, I'm not impressed by either because that was fucking retarded.


"Let's roll, homies. Nigga's got mad skillz."
"Word."




Fiesty.


Meanwhile, more foreboding opera singing emanates toward the pair. From inside a train car... In a torrential downpour...


Well, it's our old buddy RPG Villain.


Who apparently climbed down that mountain early, hiked several miles to the place the train stopped, and has been waiting on that hilltop for probably an hour, in the pouring rain, to set a trap of an old man filled with leeches in order to attack a random girl who wandered on the train...


This is Resident Evil, alright...

Tune in next time for a giant fucking scorpion out of nowhere.

Bonus Content:

Rebecca walks the dog:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fobptGe8WM /Backup

Fun with the elderly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRr9ap8DYyM /Backup

All villains should have a lovely singing voice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E44lWtDNe40 /Backup