Part 4: Episode IV: B.F.F.

Episode IV: B.F.F.

When last we left our heroine, she'd just been covered in mutant leeches while a creepy guy watched on a nearby hill. There was a 94% chance he was masturbating to the whole event. With that said, let's get to it...


A douchebag.


The train lurches forward and begins moving. This is, of course, caused by the mutant leeches which are being controlled by the robed opera singer out in the rain.


One of the many useful abilities of your average mutant leech. There will be many more to come.



Stop breaking the fourth wall, you cock. You go check the engine car. I'm going to sit back and drink a Frappachino.


"By god, it's a feature on the back of the box and we're damn well gonna see it through!"


Well, at no point did she bother to wipe off that pound of slime that was covering her. So maybe she does get some kicks from the notion.






Guess she wasn't kidding...





"Scooby Snacks...?"


"I'm not going to give you my frequency or anything. I'm sure you'll figure it out. In the mean time, maybe I can figure out where the hell I got this radio in the first place."


Rebecca gives a cutesy little nod. And thus she and Billy are Best Friends Forever and there will never be another inkling of conflict between the two.


Mostly due to the fact they are now a psychically lined hive mind!

The following is boring gameplay mechanics explanation. As I do like to stay informative like tearing into a game like Jack the Ripper would a whore. Feel free to skip ahead until Billy is on top of a train.


Here we have the key gameplay mechanic of the title - the partner system. Billy and Rebecca now team up for survival horror hijinx and may be switched between at any time. The AI will control the partner character when not in use, but it is possible to move him or her around using the Gamecube's little right nub stick which I cannot be bothered to look up the proper name for at the moment.

In addition, the partner can be commanded to follow you or stay in place. It works roughly the same way as the dynamic with Ashley in Resident Evil 4, only you cannot shoot your partner in the face accidentally with a too quickly aimed shotgun blast and the partner is somewhat competent at defending his or her self (other than Rebecca taking damage like her bones are made of glass.)

The pair also have a few unique abilities.


Rebecca Chambers, as a medic, is capable of mixing herbs for medical purposes. Only she is able to do this. So if Billy picks up a green herb and a red herb, he's got to navigate through the clumsy little exchange screen in the inventory menu, hope Rebecca has some space, trade them, switch to Rebecca, have her combine the herbs like in ever single other Resident Evil game ever. At which point, she has to go through the motions to give the herb back to Billy so he has a healing item.

She can also combine chemicals, to add a bit more headache to inventory-centric puzzles.

This is just a bit retarded.


Billy's ability is he's a badass motherfucker and can take damage like a tank. It takes about three volleys of zombie attacks just to get his health into Caution status (Fine/Yellow Caution/Orange Caution/Danger are the health levels in game.) Also, he can push heavy shit since he's a fairly big guy and Rebecca has less muscle on her than my twelve year old brother.


Let's see Billy's equipment while we're here. He has essentially the same starting equipment as Rebecca, only with an added knife. The knife in this game is beyond worthless. As Capcom saw it fit to give the enemies in this game far more moxie to offset the fact there's two sets of guns in play this time around. As a result, zombies are rarely stunned or knocked to the floor by weak weaponry and the knife is dealing out beyond weak blows at a range which would be suicide to try using on anything.

I knew that drop items feature would come in handy. I'll just hold onto it for a bit, just in case.


He also has the standard issue male Resident Evil hero lighter. But no gas in it. What kind of unprepared dick is this guy?


In any case, there is a ladder at the end of the car past where the leechman was reading the lunch specials.


I don't know why the hell we're climbing on top of a train now, but I fear Rebecca would blow away in anything stronger than a light breeze, so let's send Billy up alone.


Oh, right. That file last update mentioned they'd stuck the power to the kitchen door on the roof like dicks. Billy is really craving a deviled egg right about now.


Bingo. A guess that gaping hole one the roof is to make the train more aerodynamic.


This seems dangeresque.


Eh, handling live cables with a giant piece of metal strapped to your arm. What's the worst that could go wrong?




Leeches out of fucking nowhere is what!



And thus Billy finds himself in that locked room at the head of this car. Well, the door was locked from the inside, shouldn't be a problem.



sharp...

Oh, for Christ sake. I might as well go ahead and mention this game may very well rival Code Veronica in the retarded fetch quests department.


In the meantime, Billy discovers a key to the conductor's office. I guess he can just slip it under the door or something. He might need to take the keychain off. Those things are tricky.


But since this is Resident Evil, there is a much stupider method of getting the key to Rebecca. And for fuck sake, look at how high that hole is? You're telling me he can't lift his arms up and climb out?! There's a friggin' sturdy counter top he can stand on to make it even easier.


Anyway, down the service lift it goes. Since, it is apparently too much effort for the employees of the train to walk downstairs and grab a coffee in the morning.


Meanwhile, Rebecca has been staring at the ladder intently, awaiting Billy's return.


Bored and a bit hungry, she wanders into the kitchen for a snack.


As luck would have it, she happens upon a key in the service lift. Fancy that.


Another fetch quest pops up on the opposite side of the area, while we're here. The door on the other end of the car is locked. Oh well, back to the Conductor's Room from earlier...

A long jog later... I take back what I said about the cutscenes. I'm about to fall asleep here...


The conductor's room presents itself. A little button just at the entrance reveals a ladder leading up. Let's check out the room, first.


Quite the mess. Is that... It is! A file! As if this update couldn't get any more exciting.

Note from Conductor

You need someone else's key to open your bag? I'm not even going to ask why a bag needs multiple keys in the first place. Or why a guy is carrying a bag.


"It's really stupid."


"Please turn in my unusual key of which I'll give no indication of what it looks or is shaped like. Thanx."



In the guy's closet, we find his man-purse. The 'keys' are revealed to be a pair of ornamental rings of some sort. Behold, the first of many, many stupid items this game will demand out of our heroes.

Filing the note away, Rebecca climbs up the ladder.


So the conductor has a hatch which leads directly into the bar? He may have had a wee bit of a drinking problem, me thinks. Then again, he did work for Umbrella.



Something stomping on the roof in a long, narrow, open area. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.


Moving right along. Becky finds herself on the opposite side of the earlier hallway with the leech eggs. There, she finds something handy.


An ice pick. Perfect for stabbing myself in the eye, as I've apparently stepped back in time to an early '90s adventure game and I have no intention of reliving the '90s.


The back room in the hall has a huge assortment of healing items, ammunition, and of course the obligatory randomly placed boomstick.


Err... Make that a 'Hunting Gun'. A weaker version of the shotgun which only holds two shells and takes up two inventory spaces. But, it's far more powerful than Bec's pea shooter pistol and there's about a 103% chance there will be a giant monster waiting for her on her return visit. So, we'll take what we can get.


So, what's it going to be? It hissed... Maybe some crazy new Tyrant? Eh. A bit early in the game for that. Maybe some kind of Hunter? I bet it's a giant snake. Nah... I don't think that could hold onto a train very well. I bet it's a dinosaur. They'll use the prequel to tie the series into Dino Crisis.




My retarded tolerance level has just been vastly exceeded. We're done here...

Tune in next time for boss battles, an assortment of cameos, and of course - more leeches!

Bonus Content:

Did it just jump on the speeding train or what:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIsTm4nAITY /Backup