Part 5: Episode V: Let's Do Some Prequel Type Stuff...

Episode V: Let's Do Some Prequel Type Stuff...

When last we left our heroes, one was 'trapped' in an office since he doesn't feel like extending his arms to climb out or using his knife to jimmy the door open. The other was staring down a giant fuck-off scorpion which came out of nowhere. With that said, let's a-go...


Now, just what the hell is going on with this thing. I remember the first file with the namedrop for the 'crustacean t-virus' but that doesn't mean you can just throw a fucking giant scorpion on a train for absolutely no reason.

So what was it?


Was there a scorpion chilling out on the roof of the train car and it just happened upon some spilt T-Virus and hulked out to super scorpion size?


Did it leap, bounding across trees and rocks, onto the back of the train speeding at 80 mph?


Was it already on the top of the train and Billy just never bothered to look behind himself to check it out?


Or did he just get a ticket and board like everyone else, but they missed his stop back at Edward City and now he's pissed?


At least, I think he's pissed. I mean, maybe it isn't a raging death machine. Maybe it's just misunderstood and now we'll have awesome adventures with our newly-stuck-in-a-train compartment scorpion pal.



Sheesh. Fine.


So, as you can probably guess. Its weak point is its head. Or, at least point down and shooting in general. Any sort of attack in that general area will cause... The hell is this thing called? The Stinger? That's the most original name they could come up for a fucking scorpion? Anyway, the 'Stinger' will spaz out and step back several steps before resuming his attack. Normally, if you're still within a decent range, he'll get pissed, block his face with his claws, and do a short charge forward which wrecks your shit.


However, by standing exactly here and using the pistol, the thing will never get a chance to attack Rebecca. As its spaz damage animation will make it go far enough back that it won't perform its charging attack. But, as it'll reach the end of the room it's allowed to move, it will not far enough that it'll begin running forward. As a result, it'll get shot, freak out and back up, then slowly walk back into position to be fired upon.

Only recommended after using all the shotgun shells on it, as the shotgun pushes Rebecca or Billy a bit backward.


In any case, the creature unceremoniously drops dead after a spell. This will not be the most pointless nor the most random boss fight the game has to offer. But, it's pretty high up there.


In any case, the thing apparently had a key item wedged up its...do scorpions have asses? Well, Rebecca finds this thing anyway. It opens the panel back in the kitchen. Hurray.

Rebecca backtracks all the way to the other side of the train. How can there be this much backtracking on a fucking TRAIN?!


Becky opens up the panel in the kitchen for further adventures down the line. It's not like it was even really locked. She was just too lazy to pull it open with her hands.


Following that, Bec thanks the kindly service lift and returns the favor by supplying it with a bounty of ice pick for future weary travelers. Seeing as she has no idea that Billy is stuck upstairs.

Meanwhile... wasn't there a second character in this game...?


I didn't even notice the little shutter window thing and a friggin' fire extinguisher right below it he could easily smash through it with. It's like they stuck as many 'hey there's an easy way out but you're doing things retarded like' as they could.


Thus, the two are reunited. Billy doesn't speak of his awkward stay locked in an office and Rebecca is silent about her battle with a giant scorpion monster. Moving right along...


I can't believe they made a loading screen animation for crawling through the vent. For Christ sake, I know you can load the rooms instantly.


JESUS CHRIST!


Oh wait. They were kind enough to wait on the busting through cages thing until both Billy and Rebecca had climbed out of the small crawlspace deathtrap.


Billy picks up a gas tank after the brief battle with the polite zombie dogs. He immediately shoves it in Rebecca's hands and snaps his fingers to get moving. I'll get back to that in a bit.


"Hey, there's something shining in that cage."
"It's in a pile of dog shit."
"It's shining in a pile of dog shit. It's gotta be valuable."


"Score one for the Billster."


I have no idea why a passenger train needs a back deck that's bigger than the one on my house. But, a few things of note here. Both of terrible note.


Another item to the heap of key item fetching.


And the first of many 'you stand here while I pull this switch' puzzles.



You pull a switch and grab an item in a video game and it's old hat. You pull a switch and have someone else grab the item. Well boy, you've got yourself what they call 'innovation'.


I want you to pay attention to this item. I barely remember anything about Resident Evil Zero, as it's the only game in the series, along with Dead Aim, that I only played through once before shelving until I got the bright idea of doing an LP thread on it. But this fucking thing. I remember this thing vividly. It's essentially a rifle version of Batman's grappling gun. It will do, however, nothing cool.


What it does do is allow Rebecca (as the line isn't strong enough to support Billy) to get to otherwise inaccessible areas periodically throughout the game. Throughout the game, as in multiple times. Multiple times in which there is no indication, prior to their appearance, that you'll actually need this fucking thing again. And since it takes up two item slots, you're likely to dump it as soon as it's done your business, only to have to backtrack god knows how far to pick it up again.

It's basically a massive 'fuck you' tool by Capcom. But among their many, this item is king. The thing is so evil it comes with its own file.

Hookshot Operator's Manual

There's got to be a better way to connect cable cars than a grappling hook. Even by Umbrella standards, that's just silly.


"Do not, I repeat, do not actually use the ladder!"





Anyhow, there was a zombie in the refrigerator. I don't know what it is with Resident Evil enemies and their love of hiding in inhospitable appliances.


In any case, there's a trio of empty bottles in the fridge. Sure, there's a bunch lining the wall in the background and that bar earlier had a ton. But these come pre-equipped empty. So they're special.


Combined with the gasoline can Rebecca is toting around, thus come together to form Molotov Cocktails. Don't ask where the rag came from in the equation. It'll hurt your brain.

Molotov Cocktails are effective exclusively on one particular enemy. Though, they're fun on anything, if you can actually throw them right with the dodgy aiming system of the early series.

Rebecca and Billy return to the open ladder hatch in the central train car.


Pictured: A golden shiny wire of hope.


And we're back to the roof. This time for absolutely no reason!


Other than the characters' psychic ability to know damage to the structural integrity of the train's roof.


Rebecca leaps in, with no loading screen, I might add, to the room below.


There, she finds a jewelry box.


Which, since Capcom is full of pricks, must be examined in the inventory to open.


Revealing the second ring to that dumbass briefcase. Why the hell couldn't she have just found it on the floor and saved me ten seconds? I mean, the first one was in a friggin' dog cage.

Meanwhile, the developers realize the level layout puts Rebecca right outside that hallway full of leech eggs and drum up a FMV to remedy this.



I don't know if I've mentioned it, but the leeches have an eye growing out of their backs. If someone can explain to me how the fuck that remotely works, can fit in the leeches' body, or would be remotely useful to the creatures...that would be great.


So, the leech eggs hatch releasing even more leeches. You can never have enough leeches. Leech.


Rebecca encounters the new enemy type. Which is essentially the exact same monsters as the moth parasites in Code Veronica or those eye things the first boss in Resident Evil 2 pukes out. So, easily avoided nuisances which do next to no damage.

Rebecca reunites with Billy and the pair wander around the train looking for the briefcase because I forgot where I tossed it.




They couldn't have stuck a thing of ammo? An herb even? All that for just a keycard in a container that could have easily been cut open? I wish this were the worst of it but I somehow don't think it is...


We're coming to a point of no return. Save now, kiddies.


Hey! It's one of Umbrella's many woefully ineffective assault teams - the U.S.S.!


So these guys have just been dicking around up front here since the thing started? Not a single one of them bothered to check the back compartments or anything?

Meanwhile, at an undisclosed spooky location...


The developers remember this is a prequel, thus it is time to shoehorn in as many unnecessary cameos as they can muster.

In case you're unaware, this fellow is Albert Wesker and he is a dick. The leader of S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team, he moonlights as the closest thing the series has to a main villain. His key distinguishing feature is that he wears sunglasses. Always. It is 11:00 PM at night. He's indoors. Underground. And he is wearing sunglasses.


He later goes on to be a super villain with virus induced magic super powers, glowing cat eyes, and an extremely convoluted past.


At his side is William Birkin, an equally big douche. One of the head scientists of Umbrella and creator of the G-Virus, the T-Virus' badass big brother...until it was never heard from or mentioned again following the game it appeared in...


He later goes on to be a horrible mutant which dooms an entire city. He also impregnates his daughter with his mutant seed through tentacle rape...

While this pair will never directly interact with our heroes, they do have a somewhat large role in things to come.


Oh, the golden summer of 1998. The good old days when viral outbreaks were still big news and Umbrella fuck-ups were unheard of. Takes me back.


Luckily, the company policy of killing everyone, including people they send in to kill everyone, is still in play.









"This is getting gay..."


"Could you pick me up some hairspray when you get there? I'm falling below 'able to deflect bullets' levels and I need a boost."


Maybe if you'd looked the train over you'd know about the leeches that can phase through walls. Now look at ya...


"Look at this honky busta."
"This the same sucka from earlier? One that got Dave?"
"Nigga, hell am I supposed to know that? I gotta motherfucking eye on my back. I can't see shiiiit!"
"Hey, whitebread! Whatchu need them shoulder pads for? Gettin' bruises when you going down on yo boyfriend."
"Oooooh."
"Come on, homies. Let's show this sucka how the west coast leeches roll."



"There's a bitch ass white boy getting' served over here. That's what!"
"You'd best get yourself a fifty so you can pour it for this fool."
"Word."



"Dude, what are ya doing back here?! For Pete sake, put your goggles back on!"


"The goggles, they do nothing!"



"Let's roll dawgs."
"Skeet skeet!"

Tune in next time for the worst designed brake system in history.

Bonus Content:

I know you're masturbating to this right now and it disgusts me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrIGFtfG_QU /Backup

Leeches, scientists, and soldiers. Oh my:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VHIKSaV47bc /Backup