Part 8: Episode VIII: To Do List

Episode VIII: To Do List

When last we left our heroes, they found themselves in one of Umbrella's many, many trap filled elaborate mansions. Also, a trio of characters had a meaningless vague conversation that has nothing to do with our plunky adventurers' plight. With that said, let's get started...


Wow, what a mansion! This area is nearly identical to the main hall of Resident Evil 1, layout wise. It is, however, much, much stupider.


With items such as a couple of armor suits barring the front gate with broadswords.


And a statue holding a balance scale which operates some unlocking mechanism through vague, cryptic means involving statuettes.


a new path will be opened before you."



These are our exploration options. A door on opposite ends on the first floor. As well as a pair of doors leading west and north on the second floor.


Whelp, might as well have a looksee at the first floor first. We'll head west first, as the default camera angle coming down the stairs focuses on that door and damned if I'm going to argue with cinematic camera angles.


The new hallway ends at a locked door which is lacking a keyhole yet has a carving of a clock above it. So, three minutes in and we're up to three fetch items/puzzles. That's not a good time ratio at all... Let's check that first door we passed.


A bathroom... In a Resident Evil game?! We must be well out of the Raccoon City limits, as I heard those things were banned within ten miles of the suburbs.


Nothing much going on here. Just a few more supplies to be had.


"More like a few more Molotov cocktails for The Billy and a few more gallons of gasoline for you."
"But it makes it burn beneath my contacts when I carry it."
"I swear to God the first one of these I'll use will be on the first non-mutant kitten I come across if you say another word!"
"B-But I love kittens."
"Then we don't whine about being a gasoline mule, do we?!"


Our heroes are interrupted by a guest most foul.


So, we have the Leech Zombies. The Leech Zombies are like standard zombies but they have grating spooky music, a long range stretchy arm whip attack (as leeches can also stretch, you see), and they take far more damage and are far more damaging than standard zombies. They also look completely retarded when they walk around. Like a dog forced to walk on its hind legs retarded.


They're also extremely weak to fire, making the Molotov cocktail the weapon of choice against them. Well, at least it would be if it wasn't terribly difficult to aim, was thrown a weird distance at the floor at your feet, and caused no stun damage, so the creature is only damaged for a few moments before walking right on by.

Luckily, the leech zombies are always announced by a door slamming (leeches are polite and always close doors behind them) their crazy spooky theme music, and hunching over for five seconds or so pulsating as they transform from old man form to jazz hands bipedal monstrosity. Leaving ample time to just run by them, should you be in an area they can be avoided. And who's going to need to use the bathroom in the next six hours? Pfft.

Moving on, our heroes explore the opposite end of the first floor. It's boring as shit and takes me 15 minutes, so here's the highlight reel.


"Keys made out of fire. Check."


"Steam. Is it hot steam? Rebecca, check if it's hot steam."
"It's steam, I think it's going to be pretty h-"
"Check if the steam is hot our I'm going to shove the inevitable red valve up your fucking source!"


"Steam is hot. Check."



"Heavy black statue going into Rebecca's inventory. Check."



"Something that is going in my inventory and never leaving. Check."

The pair climb up to the second floor.


"Blowing undead gibs on sidekick's back is found amazingly entertaining. Check."


I think that about brings us up to speed. That speed being a fucking crawl with an amputated stump for a leg. Oh hey, there's a whole series of armor barring doors likely locked by an inane mechanism requiring keys and/or puzzle solving. Huzzah!


And when I thought things couldn't slow down any more. It's a file!

Regulations for Trainees

*****Training Facility Mission*****

"College degree? Pfft. Who needs that trash. Umbrella will give you all the skills you need!"


Hope you're looking forward to seeing nothing but undead white males for the next two games, cuz that's all you're going to get. Come to think of it, wasn't there clearly women on the train during the intro? What happened to their zombie corpses? There is no equality here!


This has to be written ironically. It just has to be.

*****Training Facility Guidelines*****


Why are we Capitalizing random Words like 'Training' and 'Law'?


"Honor... as we pump kidnapped helpless civilians full of deadly mutagen in the name of profit."

Well, that was informative in the utterly pointless sort of way. Let's check the rest of the area.


I'm sure lectures at Umbrella Inc. must be fascinating. They probably bring up a slide of an average animal or insect on Power Point and discuss the possibly outcomes of sticking a needle full of T-virus in it. Will it turn into a zombie? Will it get crazy super powers? Will it turn into an unspeakable monstrosity with eyes growing out of every pore? Or will it just get really fucking big? These are the tough questions people ask.


"Alright, I'm making a speech."
"A speech? There's nobody here to give one to."


"Take a seat."
"What?"
"You're right. There's nobody in the audience. Now take a goddamn seat!"


"Tch. Fine. Make your stupid speech. See if I care."


"Alright then." <clears throat> "If I can have your attention... I have no speech. I just wanted to see if you'd sit in the audience. Bwahaha."


Billy does discover yet another item needed whilst dicking around at the podium. You know, Umbrella's operating system must be the most dire OS ever programmed...


Heading out the double doors up front brings our heroes back to the main lobby. Oh well, let's explore the room to the west.


What have we here? Can this file out inane the previous one? Let's find out...

Notice to All Staff


At this point, I don't think I even want to know the earlier part of the document.


I'm sure someone could make a joke about having to explain there's going to be a meeting in the meeting room. But it's beneath me.


Too bad they scheduled the meeting at 8:10, just to fuck with people.


Also found in the room is this beauty. How they justify a $1,000 crank handle to the accounting department is beyond me.


As soon as Billy picks up the item and shoves it in Rebecca's pocket, the windows smash open. Well, not quite 'as soon' as it happens. As the game's engine seems to have a bit of trouble loading the scene every time. Thus, it goes to cutscene mode, spooky music begins, then a second later the window graphic changes to broken and a cheap glass effect ensues. Then, the crows fly through.

I'm not going to talk about the crows. They're basically the Resident Evil series' equivalent to mosquitos and will be regarded as such. Though, I am curious as to why every other creature in the series mutates, rots, or at least gets really big ass. But not the crows. The crows just get pissy and smash through windows. Something to ponder.

Rebecca and Billy head back to the classroom area and go through the door they initially skipped.


"Crap, a zombie. Think you can handle it, Rebecca?"
"You're going to let me kill it?"
"Yeah. Up to the task?"
"Sure."


"Alright, I kill-"


"Good job we did there. Let's go."


I'd just like to mention that my playtime to this point has been longer than the entire train. This is really going to be one of those 'I'll play it so you don't have to' type of experiences. Anyhow, a map. Let's see the damages this place is going to throw on us.


Oh, Jesus!


Son of a...


Well, that's not so bad.


I don't want to play Resident Evil anymore.


I found this, too. I'm finding fetch items to things I don't even know need to be fetched!



I also found the least subtle door unlocking requirement known to man. Unfortunately, Billy is carrying around a zippo lighter with no fuel. Which brings up an interesting question... How the hell are those Molotov cocktails getting lit?


On the opposite end of the room, Bill and Becca find where that crank handle goes.


"Alright, you get on and I'll crank you up, since it'll be tougher for you to do the same."
"Really... That is...strangely nice of you. What's the catch?"
"No catch. Other than going alone into the attic in a house full of monsters is a pretty big risk and I'm not taking it."
"That's a pretty big stinkin' catch! At least give me your shotgun if I'm going to go alone."
"WHAT?!"
"We need to cooperate, right. If I get killed going up there alone, then it's just you by yourself and I don't think you want that."
"Hmph."


"I'll give you Dixie..."
"Dixie?"
"I've named her Dixie. Now shut up. A man is speaking. I'll give you Dixie but I'm only allowing you two shots out of it. Do you hear me? Two. Shots."
"But, what if there's more than one big monster? Or it takes more than two shots to kill?"
"I don't care if you're getting ass raped by fucking Thriller era Michael Jackson while a fucking three-eyed Janet Jackson with tentacles coming out of her dress leers at you. You get two...fucking...shots..."


"Now get up there and don't skimp on the shotgun ammo for me."


"How's it look up there?"
"Okay, I guess."


"Okay. Not okay!"



"I heard two shots. I'd better not hear another one. I have ears like a fucking eagle."
"I think that's for seeing, not hearing."
"Well, then I can see into your fucking inventory and can see that you've used your allotted shotgun shells! Did you kill it?"
"Yeah..."
"Then get moving!"


"Okay, problem! There's another giant bug!"
"That's not a problem. You just pull out your pistol and shoot it."
"But, the last one took two shells from the shotgun at point blank and that barely killed it."
"I don't know if I've made myself clear. Maybe I'm just talking to myself, here. But, if I hear another shotgun blast. Even something sounding like a shotgun blast... I'm going to come up there, put you in a headlock, and shove your face into the maw of a zombie. After that, I'm going to use those other five shotgun shells to blow off your jaw, shoot off your hands, and blast a hole in your stomach. Then I'm going to fucking gut and hollow you out to stick my keys and ammo behind your rib cage. Then, I'll put you on a leash, and have you shamble behind me like an undead suitcase on wheels. Do I make myself clear?"


"Crystal!"

Tune in next time for even more piling on of my work load and maybe a giant bug or two!