Part 10: Episode IX: The Best Things in Life are Free
Episode IX: The Best Things in Life are Free
When last we left our hero, he was rushing off to secure some vaguely defined serum from a room he had no idea the location of to save some guy he barely knew. With that said, let's continue...
Right, then. The west wing store room it is.
I'd like to tell you something interested along the way. I really would. But, that would make me a liar and villain. I had that zombie in the corner come like three feet from getting me. It was a close call.
Right, the store room. Now...what sort of anti-venom would treat giant mutagen filled snake bites? Let's see... Tylenol... Asprin... Ex-lax... Juice... Purple stuff... Sunny-D, alright!
Here we go. SERUM brand serum. Cherry flavor. Yum.
I took the scenic route this time. The balcony with the whole dog whistle thing winds back to the main hallway, in case I hadn't mentioned it. Which I hadn't. Which is why I am.
Chris rushes the rest of the way back to Richard's aid.
"I knew it felt slightly gayer in here. Now I know why. Took you long enough, fagbot. I proved the Emancipation Proclamation was actually talking about how Rebecca is a slut in the time you were gone."
"Your hands are in the right place for what she wants. Bwahaha."
"I'm starting to get weirded out by the really gay looks you two fairy princess are giving each other. And stop fiddling around like there's actually a syringe back there, you tool."
"Tch. Just let me do my job."
"Suck? You're employee of the fucking month there."
"Dying of snake poison! Need help! Now would be good!"
"Hey, Blockhead. Don't worry, Gumby will be there for you to torment tomorrow. Calm the fuck down."
"The... The country station is on 95.1..."
"I don't know what's going on with that radio."
Richard dies like a tool after giving him serum, regardless of quickly you make it to him in the original game. He gets a reprieve in the remake. For a far more gruesome death later on, of course. Of course, you can be a dick and wander off around the mansion and he'll eventually die of poisoning. But, we'll miss out on a sweet upgrade later in doing so.
"You didn't even check his pulse, how the hell do you know that?"
"Because he's still breathing."
"Well, you're just the one to go to for determining who keeps doing that, aren't ya?"
"Since we're gonna need his word to prove to anyone else that there's a really big snake around, right?"
"Because he's my teammate."
"Oh, concerned about your comrades, huh, kid? So, where's the rest of your team?"
"Well...they're uhh... Well there is Richard and uhh...what was your name again?"
"It's Rebecca and can we please go?"
Rebecca and Chris drag Richard's half dead ass clear across the mansion, to the save room the serum was in.
"Well, aside from the gangrenous arm and the open, untreated gashes and bites over him. But, at least he won't die from poisoning."
"Stop staring at his shlong, kiddo. He doesn't mean in that way."
Actually, Rebecca will get bored and wander off while Richard will appear randomly only to die horribly much later on. But, I suppose that constitutes coming after him.
"Yeah, great at losing them. This saggy pair of tits had a grenade launcher, magnum, and my Dixie after she finished looting me. What's she got now? A pea shooter she probably snapped off Pokey over there."
"Err... What are you talking about? Did something happen in the last day?"
"Did it ever. First of all, there were these zombie leeches and this opera singing guy and this creepy mansion. There were giant bugs and giant frogs and it was insane. And a train. I was on a train too. And a secret lab. And, well let me start from the beginning."
"You're clearly suffering from exhaustion. Catch a few z's after Richard finishes up on that bed."
<sigh> "That's the third person that hasn't believed my story."
"That's because they realize you were in the same room as Billy FUCKING Coen and they know it's a load of shit."
"You do know you're not a hat anymore, right?"
"Yup, and it makes doing this five times funnier."
Should Chris return.
Loosely translated, I believe this means "I'm a medic. Teehee. Want a free heal?"
"Bwahaha. I could it's like spinning on a globe. I could go across things thing all day and never reach the end."
Meh. Why not?
"I err... I didn't do anything yet."
"I feel much better."
"'kay... Changing subject now..."
"Yeah, they make cold medicine, anti-venom for poisonous bites, toothpaste, and horrifying abominations which consume the flesh of men."
"Are they related to Electronic Arts?"
"They've also got a secret mansion training facility deep in the woods, a gigantic underground base beneath the city, and a train system back in the forest."
"Kid, you're talking crazy talk. Really, just twenty minutes of shut eye can help."
"Watch out for snakes."
Chris sets off to continue his 'investigation'.
Let's see what was behind the door Becky and Rich were camping in front of.
A door with the Shield Key lock. I'm beside myself with...confusion as to how Richard manage to get through that door. Or the one before that. Rebecca too, for that matter? Assuming there's only a single key per type... the fuck sort of elfin magick are they pulling?
A door passage presents itself next to the newly discovered locked door.
Which leads to a dimly lit room. What's a man to do?
Bust out his lighter, of course. Too bad Chris being a smoker was entirely exercised from his already ridiculously limited character, so his reasoning for having a lighter is a mystery, at best.
Oh well. Let there be light - to reveal rendered bookcases copied and pasted from earlier.
As well as another closet dwelling zombie. There's something going on in Umbrella I don't want to know about.
In any case, the bookcase hidden behind a bookcase hidden in a dark room in the back room an entire wing and floor away presents the wayward musical passage; completing the set from earlier.
Thus, enabling Chris to finish his masterpiece.
Tune in next time to see what the hell Jill is up to!
Saving Richard Cutscene: