Part 12: Episode XII: The PsychoWelcome back. When last we left our heroine, she got her shit stomped by a newly resurrected and newly British minor villain from the original Resident Evil. Also, a bunch of backtracking. With that out of the way, let's get on in this picture...
I tell ya, those health sprays. Lifesavers.
Claire heads upstairs and places the tune roll in the player piano. It begins a piano version of the previous creepy music box tune from Alexia's room.
This, in turn, unlocks the flimsy slot machine door with the needed item. Obstacle #21 that could have been solved with a crowbar and a few kicks...
Anyway, unlocking can now commence back in Alfie's room.
Lousy color detecting antique music boxes.
Claire then places the music box record from earlier into this one.
Which, quite logically, lowers Alfred's bed, revealing a ladder upstairs...
Upstairs being Alfred's take on Michael Jackson's hobbies...
Oh, Jesus Christ!
A lovely piece of artwork just off the carousel demands items to be shoved in its orifices, as any good piece of wall graffiti should.
Luckily, it's merely on the other side of the room. Right below the opposite painting of a fanciful unicorn. No wonder these kids are fucked up...
Unfortunately, you can't stick something like this in a hole with bleedin' wings.
But, that can easily be fixed.
The carousel starts up and begins playing that ever popular little ten second tune. Most importantly, the ladder is in place. Worst fourth story amusement ride ever.
Upstairs leads to a modest library and perhaps the only logically placed typewriter in the game.
A little note is tossed to the left.
Umbrella's research is run by grammar school age kids. This explains just tons regarding this series.
The opposite side of the room has a file placed atop a shelf. Crate pushing coming at ya. Readily available tables inches away be damned!
The family motto is: "Incest is the best, put your sister to the test."
I'm honestly shocked we never stumbled upon a throne room for Alfie. Then again, the second story is inaccessible, so that may very well contain it and the missing S&M sex dungeon.
Gee, this guy is really into his sibling. Though, he's not quite reached the "break into a fortified compound and kill a few dozen people" level yet...
Most importantly, time to get the hell out of here!
Claire descends a few more ladders and starts heading back for the non-airport sort of underwater plane place.
"Hey, you look familiar..."
"You sure I don't know you from somewhere...?"
Is that a family of giraffes? Good grief, look at that neck!
That is either the world's most inaccurate rifle or this family is the world's worst shot. Or, more likely, a combination of the two.
I miss the bolt action rifle...
"We went to same college. That's it, isn't it?"
Aww, shit. I thought you were dead.
"How you doin', handsome." *blows a kiss*
"Like I've got a funny feeling in my pants."
Steve takes one in the shoulder!
Alexia takes one in the face after Steve unloads a quarter of a magazine at her. This island needs a shooting range, stat!
"But a flesh wound."
Steve tapes his arm back on and the pair give chase through the secret passage. Sure, it would have made more sense for one of them to go around through the hall. But, pfft. Logical tactics...
Steve searches for any nudie mags underneath Alfie's bed. Hey...is that a wig...?
Either Alexia's got cancer or...
Alfred with the sudden spaz attack. Even able to miss in a surprise melee attack.
Steve kicks him to the wall. Lovely shade of eyeshadow, Alfie... Wait...WHAT?!
The end... Were these games remotely in the realm of reality.
But, this is Resident Evil. You missed the realism train station a looooooong time ago.
"I forgot to pluck my eyebrows this morning!"
"Oh dear lord! I've broken a nail!!"
Alfred flees making the most bizarre scream ever. Steve stands there slackjawed and allows him to get away. I hate Steve. So very much...
Those funny feelings you were having about Alexia just before? Yeah. It means you're gay.
"Why would them rip-off the twist from Psycho? This plot was standing so well on its own up to here."
That's where you draw the line?
"And how could we have avoided this...? Oh right, if you'd just friggin' shot him instead of being stuck in a homophobe stupor, ya dick!"
Oh, Resident Evil. What won't you stick a self destruct sequence in?
Claire jogs back out of Alfie's room, down two flights of stairs, out the front of the house, then down another massive flight of steps, through a covered bridge, back past a handful of offices, down another flight of stairs, and out the Palace gates.
"I uhh... I...have no idea where that airport is..."
The sound of planes come from overhead.
"I see a few flashing lights... But if you say so. Wait...there were three planes worth of survivors left running around and you, the narrator, and a transvestite were the only people I saw?!"
"Hey, what about me!?"
"You don't count."
Why am I getting the dire feeling because this moron let the main villain go the game just got twice as long? I can only hope it also signed his death warrant at some point in the future...
Steve presses random buttons, throws random switches, and runs off. All with the zeal of a hyper eight year old.
I swear, if there's any more points where it takes two hours worth of emblem fetching to activate one piece of equipment, I'm going to go gut a Capcom developer in front of his family.
The pair head onto the cargo plane. Steve jacks into the Matrix and uploads the information on how to pilot an aged cargo plane.
He spilt his coffee.
Which, in Burnsideland, means flipping random switches and fiddling with dials until she gets back.
Will Claire and Steve be able to escape Rockfort Island before it explodes? Does Capcom honestly expect us to believe Steve can pilot a plane? Find out this and more in the first half's exciting conclusion, Episode XIII: Marquess of Queensbury Rules.