Part 10: But everyone calls me…

Episode 9: But everyone calls me…



Wow! There's going to be an International Food Festival in Los Angeles!

Come again?

Yes! Some of the world's best chefs will display their culinary prowess in an international competition in LA! It'd be great to see all those star chefs perform live!

YOU SHOULD SEE ABOUT ENTERING THE INTERNATIONAL FOOD FESTIVAL IN LOS ANGELES!

What's the competition requirements? Anyone know?

This is a freestyle competition. All participating chefs will prepare Italian, French and American cuisines!

That means whoever enters better have a wide range of skills!

And the team size?

The team size is 3. I guess it has to be that many because of the wide variety of food you have to prepare…

I've got an idea…

What is it, Armand?

If we can only gather our best chefs and somehow get a decent American recipe. We might have a chance…

What? You mean us join as well?

No way! We wouldn't stand a chance!

Will you hear me out for a second?

What is it, Armand?

I see it like this: We might not have decent American culinary skills, but we are strong with both Italian and French cuisine, right?

Yes…

So? How does that make us likely candidates to win the competition?

Well, if we win in the Italian and French rounds, we can still lose the American round, but our average may just be high enough to defeat the other competing chefs overall.

You know, Armand? You just might have a point here…

It's a bit risky, but regardless, it might be worth a try…

Anyways, I'm going to LA, guys, and I'll set up a new restaurant to see what happens. I'll let you know what's going on. Until then, keep your heads up for any good recipes and chefs!

ARMAND DECIDES TO ESTABLISH A FRENCH RESTAURANT IN LOS ANGELES – THE GENTILLE ALOUETTE.

Good luck, Armand.


"I'll set up a new restaurant to see what happens"? Well, if that isn't a rock-solid business plan, I don't know what is! Armand has bought us yet another French restaurant after we just acquired Le Palourde Chantante in the last mission. I'm going to ignore that for the moment, because our first priority is to check out the newly redecorated Palourde Chantante!




After a few months of poor performance, it became clear that the reason Le Palourde Chantante was doing badly was that the locals were too ignorant of the inherent greatness of our superior French culture. Also, that we weren't getting them drunk enough. So from now on, every table at Le Palourde Chantante must have at least one full-size wine rack. If we can sell each table about 40-50 bottles of wine, we should be able to match the profitability of Treize à Table and La Cosa Nostra.



This obviously includes the way to the restrooms upstairs, because what if you get thirsty on the way there??



I had to make some adjustments to the singing clam tapestries because their textures were sideways. However, I have tried to preserve the original artistic vision. As requested, I have also added every seafood recipe to the menu, in honour of the restaurant's (possibly?) maritime heritage.



Now that that's sorted, I take a look at the international cooking competition that Pierre mentioned. Three chefs, three rounds, one recipe from each of the French, Italian and American cuisines. This should be easy: we have plenty of really good recipes that count as both French and American (such as our artichoke crepes with langoustines) or as both Italian and American (like the ever-dominant guilt-free cappuccino sundae). However, before we grind the American food scene under our heel, let's go say hello to Uncle Michel back in France.



Hi, Armand! What a surprise! What is going on? You look agitated!

Uncle! I'm thinking of going to the USA to expand my operations, but I have no idea about the American restaurant scene!


" - so I bought a restaurant there!"

Well, you know your uncle – always ready to help. Tell me what's on your mind…

How's the cooking scene in Los Angeles, uncle?

I think the best way for you to find out is to go there yourself and start a restaurant.

How can I get American recipes and chefs to cook the meals?

The cooking contests are a good way of gaining some exposure. If you do well in the Food Fair, then chances are American chefs will come looking for you, and bring along their own assortment of recipes and talents.

What kind of American restaurant should I setup?

If I were you, I'd first go and scout the market, then open a French restaurant. No sense opening up an American restaurant if you still haven't fully grasped the nuances of the American market yet. At this point, you should stick to what you know best.

That makes sense. I have already established a new French restaurant in LA to get my feet wet with the American food and beverage industry.

Good! It's best that you get to grips first with the American clientele – their wants and demands. Once you get the hang of the market, I'm sure you'll know what to do next.

OK, thanks, uncle for the tips. I'll see you soon, uncle!

Goodbye, Armand. Good luck in the USA. Oh, and before you leave: I was over at Dmitri's grocery store. He said something about your north Atlantic catch.

Finally! The seafood ingredients have arrived! That Dmitri has kept me waiting forever for those ingredients!

Maybe you should stop there before heading across to Los Angeles.


Good idea! If we're going to the cooking contest, we should see if Dmitri has any good ingredients for us. Let's stop by his store before we head to LA.



Ah, my fellow capitalist comrade. Come for ingredients, have you?

You know us chefs – always looking for the best that money can buy!

Well, you might like to know that there is a new vegetable shop in town.

Can I get the address off you?

Sure. For a price.


Oh ffs

Man, Dmitri, can't you just tell me the location?

Are you kidding? And kill the good-natured spirit of neo-imperialistic hegemony?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I will not be your acolyte to destroy the rightful status-quo of today's capitalist tendencies…

Uh – okay, whatever…

How much do I have to pay?

Oh, how I like the free market's lack of tariff control…

I'll tell you what – give me five thousand dollars and I'll tell you the whereabouts of this shop. How does that sound?

That's too much. Forget it…

Okay, but it's your loss. Besides, Delia is such a sweet lady. Oh, sometimes when I see her… let's just say she rekindles the flames of my bachelor years long past. Just don't tell my babushka that, or else that'll be the end of nice seafood ingredients for us…

OK, that's all. I'll be back later for other goods.

It was nice doing business with you too, capitalist!


Armand may get suckered by his customers each and every day, but I draw the line at paying $5,000 for directions to the greengrocer. No matter how hot Dmitri thinks she is!



I start setting up our new restaurant, the Gentille Alouette. I don't want to have another vote on French décor immediately after the last one, so I just go with what feels right. Besides, I think I have a decent feel for what'll appeal to our American customers: out-of-place Corinthian columns, a running clam and a giant tapestry of an execution by firing squad.



For the menu, I again go with what feels right, only this time "what feels right" is a polite euphemism for "what's going to extract the most money from our guests' wallets".



During the lunch service at La Cosa Nostra, one of our guests sells me the recipe for scones. You might think that that's a traditional English breakfast item, but the recipe card clearly says that it belongs to the American, French and Italian cuisines.

Now that's all sorted, let's assemble our dream team for the American cooking contest.



Armand LeBoeuf, our spendthrift French cooking specialist.



Mario Corleone, a good fella from Sicily and a champion of the Italian cucina.



Thierry Perregaux, the party's cheerleader who is here to share in the glory in the hopes of attracting more guests to Le Palourde Chantante.



Our very best French recipe right now is the seafood quiche, at 75% quality rating! Unfortunately, some of our guests aren't totally enthusiastic about ordering seafood quiche for dessert, so Armand is not fully skilled at cooking it yet. It'd be better to go with the slightly inferior mixed casserole which Armand cooks with 100% skill, but hopefully winning the contest with the seafood quiche should convince more people to order it.



Woah, the American cooking scene doesn't mess around. We are actually tied for first place with Pasta Perfect after the French round, which should be one of our strongest.



It's time to get serious, so I call in Mario Corleone. Our best Italian recipe is the arugula ravioli, but I'm not confident cooking that when Mario hasn't had much time to practice it at La Cosa Nostra. Instead I go with the fisherman's soup, an Italian-only soup with a 75% quality rating which he cooks perfectly.



Mario continues to deliver. His score of 88 should secure the win for us. Now if only we had a good recipe that counts as American to seal the deal.



We got this.



We triumph in the International Cooking Contest! The culinary world lies at our feet!



We win the recipe for chicken with oyster mushrooms. It's our new highest rated French main course, and it has a good profit margin. I'm pretty sure it goes in the oven, so it's not great from a business perspective, but it's a nice cooking contest recipe. On balance, a good recipe.



We've beaten the cooking contest, all we have to do is wait for the end of the month. While I wait, I check out the Los Angeles map. Like any other proper American city, the Los Angeles of this world has two soccer fields, a tennis court and no other sporting facilities.



Oh whoops! We can't finish the mission yet, we need to pay Dmitri to show us a hot girl!!!



Ah, my fellow capitalist comrade. Come for ingredients, have you?

Actually, I was interested in the vegetable store…

Well, you know the deal. Five big ones in exchange for the location…

Is there anything that you ever NOT ask money for in exchange?

Of course! Let me see… Well… Hmm… I guess not, really.

C'mon, Dmitri, can't you stop being so greedy and just tell me the location?

Calling me greedy, eh? Let me show you what greedy really is. I think that all things considered, I'll have to charge you $7500 this time around…

WHAT! You're jacking up the price?

That's the law of supply and demand, Armand. I supply your demands. Armand, this is the last chance you have to pay. No bargaining, either. It's $7500 or nothing!

Alright! You win! Here – take the money!

Here you go…

YOU NOW HAVE THE LOCATION OF DELIA'S MARKET CORNER!

HOWEVER, DMITRI HAS LIGHTENED YOUR POCKETS BY $7500!

Her name is Delia. You can find her on the west side of Los Angeles. Expensive stuff, but if you want the best, she's the one to go to, as far as my knowledge of the free market allows…

Thanks for the contact.

It was nice doing business with you too, capitalist!


No matter how hard we try to screw our customers, in the end, we always get screwed the hardest.



Hmm, now what should I get… the red or green peppers…

??? Maybe I can help – what do you plan on making?



Oh, hi there, Mr. LeBeouf [sic]. How may I help you today?

Whoa! You startled me! I mean um… excuse me, have we met?

We haven't been introduced, but you are quite famous around here. I didn't mean to startle you, but it's not everyday that a young and famous chef from the cooking circuit walks in here! You were fantastic in every contest that I've seen you live on TV.

Please – call me Armand. Actually, I wasn't too happy with my performance recently… If only I could have some fresh grade-A ingredients I could probably do better.


You mean when you got carried by Mario Corleone at the LA contest? Yeah, you need to step it up a bit, Armand.

Well, you've come to the right place. Here, we only carry the best in fresh fruits and vegetables.

Really? That's great! Say, I was wondering…

What is a lovely lady such as yourself doing here anyway? And you are?

Oh, where are my manners? My name is Delia Delecoeur and I work here.

Do you own this place?

My aunt, who I was named after, owns this place. I am just helping her out while she's vacationing, but I would love to have my own store some day, although I can't afford to own my store right now – I don't have the time nor the money at the moment. The studies at the LA Gourmet Academy take up the lion's share of that!

So… what are you working towards?

Oh, French Cuisine of course! I love French food.

No way! French cuisine is my favorite too!

Only you are much better than I am, Armand.

The LA Gourmet Academy is a great school! If you qualified for entrance, then you must have lots of talent!

Thanks for the compliment, but it is tough, especially since I am juggling between the store and my studies!

You know what I think?

Yes?

Personally, I think female chefs are great! Who made you dinner when you were young?

Well, mom, but… you really think I can become a great chef like you? Don't you think it is a little odd to see female chefs?

Well… maybe at first, but once customers and the cooking scene get used to it, I'm sure they'll agree that if anything, it's a welcome respite in the male-dominated culinary world!

You have a point there…

Just stick to it, and I'm sure that you'll become a celebrated chef someday.

Sorry to interrupt the conversation, but could you please show me your wares?

Of course! Let me show you what I have.



Armand LeBoeuf: smooth operator. Also, women just can't fucking win. First assholes tell them to stay in the kitchen, and now they're not allowed in the kitchen either?

Anyway, Delia has a lot of high-quality produce for use in competitions. It's a pain to go back to restock, so I just buy $2,000 worth, which should last me until the end of the game. Fortunately it's all drenched in preservatives, so there's no risk of it spoiling.

Well, thanks a lot for your help and beautiful smile, Delia. I hope to see you again soon.

Oh, me too. Do drop by anytime!


All right, that should be everything we need to do before the end of the mission. I head back to Gentille Alouette where I get called over by a customer.



Hello. You must be Armand. I am here to try your awesome recipes.

Thank you for your compliment. We aim to please.

You wouldn't by any chance be hiring chefs, would you? I'd like to work for you. Salary isn't a problem. I just want to learn my French cuisine from a pro such as you.

… and what is your name?

Stan Mazowski. But everyone calls me *the man*.


No one calls him *the man*.

What American recipes do you know?

Well, let me think here for a sec…

Ok, there's the Sweet & Spicy Pork Tenderloin, the Crispy Lamb Chops with Almond, and my favorite, the Sliced Steak with Roasted-Corn.

I know my meats…

What are your skills?

I've got blood in my veins, Mr. Leboeuf.

Call me Armand.

Sure, Armand. Anyways, as I was saying, I make the most wicked barbecue this side of Georgia.

I'd like you to join me. What do you say?

Sure thing!

YOU GAIN ACCESS TO HIS AMERICAN RECIPES! WITH YOUR NEW RECIPES, YOU ARE NOW WELL-EQUIPPED TO ENTER THE INTERNATIONAL FOOD FESTIVAL!

Thanks for this opportunity! We'll make a great team, just you wait and see…


Oh, I guess I was supposed to do all this before the contest! Well, let's see what he got us and whether it's better than the cappuccino sundae.



First up is the sweet and spicy pork tenderloin. What the fuck is this? 42% quality at this stage in the game? This is pathetic. A bad recipe. Also did you *really* need to include the cost of 0.06 teaspoons of pepper in the ingredient list? That's less than a single peppercorn. This might not even be valid contractual consideration! [/legal joke]



Oh great, more sub-50% recipes. Get this trash out of here, Stan the Man! Although as I recall, someone wanted La Cosa Nostra to have an almond-based recipe, so I add it to the menu there. Still, this is a bad recipe.



More garbage. Bad recipe. Although I like the construction of the recipe name. "with Roasted-Corn". Sounds like something you'd see at a ren fair.

Before the end of the day, yet another guest calls us over.



Hello, Mr. LeBoeuf. I am Bruce Allen, also known as *Big Red*. I know you must be struggling a bit with your American recipes. I myself am struggling with my Italian. Why don't we exchange recipes?


No one calls him *Big Red*.

Why all the nicknames for you American chefs?

Over here in the US of A, nicknames are common. Like the legendary *Slice-n-Dice* Perry. Too bad he retired. He was one of our best homegrown talents.

No offense, but what's so great about your recipes?

Well, all the recipes I'm offering you have been previous winners here in LA. Judges like my seasoning touch. And I'm prepared to share my secrets if you are willing to exchange for some of your Italian cooking contest winning recipes.

I've got some good-ol' fashioned tricks under my sleeve, honed from years of experience right here in the good ol' US of A…


Why do all the American chefs talk like they're Russian spies?

What American recipes do you know?

I've got Peaches with Shortcake Topping, Tuna Steaks with Tapenade, and the Crunchy Chicken Cutlets. So what do you say? do we exchange?

So… come and work for me, eh? What do you say?

Sure thing!

YOU HAVE HIRED BRUCE ALLEN!

Thanks for this opportunity!



After hiring Big Red, we finally beat the mission, which is fortunate, because we're running pretty low on space in our kitchens. Next mission, we're continuing our expansion in the good ol' US of the America, as the locals call it, with our very first American-style restaurant! But watch out – there will also be dark and foul betrayal!