Part 12Well, the crowd has spoken, Kagoo it is. Last time we left Trepliev1, he was recovering from his trip in the scorching desert. Having survived the desert, he's one step closer to freedom:
I sit there fishing, drinking some whisky, trying to recover from my terrible trip into hell's mouth, and I can't stop thinking about these natives…
They may not be the prettiest things out there but, it's been getting awfully lonely here…They want me to kill the Kagoo, I'll kill the Kagoo…I'm sure I'll be thoughtfully rewarded for my efforts.
After a couple of hours fishing, I set out towards the mutant cavern
I dress up before entering the cavern, helmet and all. Come on world, show me what you got!
More of these things attack me, and they go down hard.
I get more and more nervous as I approach the exit, Whatever the Kagoo is, it must be one mean monster…to have killed so many of these natives.
I feel calmer once I arrive at the mouth of the cave. Relax…you killed bloodthirsty tigers! Whatever the kagoo is, it doesn't stand a chance!
Its not night yet, and I'm tired so I set the alarm on my Sesame for 20:05.
Sleep doesn't come easy…I'm very nervous about facing that monster, I have no idea what I'm up against. When sleep finally claims me, my dreams are haunted by a marsh and a shadow that rips me limb from limb…
I wake up abruptly. I'm still not used to Sesame's alarm function. It shocks you awake. I'm not drowsy, at least.
I step outside, its dark and I walk slowly…trying to listen to anything coming close to me, those scaley things attack me again, and they go down. I won't let those things stop me from reaching my goal
I keep walking when suddenly I hear a roar in the distance, I stop moving and get out my flare gun, I'm shaking, I have trouble keeping my aim steady…
Another roar rips through my ears as it was just behind me! Behind me, BEHIND M-
(Cyberdud's note: Fuck that asshole, he snuck up on me, once you hear the roars, he can come at you from ANY angle, so you hope to god he doesn't appear from an angle behind you otherwise you won't hear him coming until he's biting you and by then its too late, reload)
… I won't let those things stop me from reaching my goal
I keep walking when suddenly I hear a roar in the distance, I stop moving and get out my flare gun, I'm shaking, I have trouble keeping my aim steady…There it is, oh my god it's HUGE! I aim at it's head while backing up, something trips me and I fall backwards, as I'm falling, my flare gun goes off, the flare flies way up into the sky. Shit! It's coming, I struggle to get back on my feet
The flare lights up the sky and the area is bathed in a strange rosy glow. The kagoo is stopped dead in it's track. It's blinded by the light, that's why it doesn't come out in the day, it's a cave dwelling creature!(Cyberdud's note: Shooting at the kagoo with the flaregun doesn't do anything and it doesn't stop him from raping you, aiming at the sky and shooting the flare doesn't work either, you have to actually go into the use menu and use the flare gun, Trepliev1 then fires a flare into the sky and the flare lights up the area)
I run at it with my knife and start stabbing, it roars in pain but being blinded, I can easily evade it's gigantic mouth.
I stab, stab, stab, stab, stab…
…stab, stab, stab, staby, staberoo…
…stab, stab, stab…holy fuck it's taking a while…
Come on…come on! DIE ALREADY
AAAAHHHHHH! The flare runs out and it can see me again(Cyberdud's note: The first time it happened, It scared the fuck out of me and got me killed. The kagoo can take such punishment that one flare is not enough, it runs out and you have to fire another one, because when it's not blinded, it becomes invulnerable again…well, maybe not but you don't have enough space to try your luck, it always backs you up into the side of a mountain and rips you a new asshole)
I quickly fire another flare into the sky, praying it lights up the area before the kagoo makes mince meat out of me
It works! It's frozen in place again.
Stab stab stab, stab staaaaab, stab stab stab
Jesus h. macy that thing just won't go DOWN
Just as the second flare is almost out of view, the kagoo falls down in a pool of blood. Bloody, exhausted and drenched in sweat, I carve out some meat from it before walking away towards the village of the Fridays.(Cyberdud's note: It gives as much meat then the smaller versions back in the desert cavern)
Get out of my way scum, I have a reward to collect!
I walk into the village, and all the Fridays stare at me and the chunk of meat in my right hand…I feel victorious like a action movie hero that just killed the bad guy and is getting the girl…girls!
Welcome big brother…you kill kagoo, you big warrior( ), little Fridays very happy and give you reward: our mother light( )! You have right other reward too…( )
*smooooooch* …………….………I….I don't….I don't understand! I kill the murderous beast that ate so many of you…and you…hahaha….
…your reward is a freaking halogen lamp and a kiss?? FUCK, FUCK YOU, AAAAAARG, AAAAASHALBUTARATABA-
Sesame under watch……cause of death…blue balls
Defeated and sore, I make my way back to my camp
I can't think of anything to say, this is all so…unfair.
Oh fuck you, I walk out of the cave and the rain extinguishes my torch, I'm gonna have to waste another match to make a fire tonight…
Just as if it was nature's will to fuck with me, the rain stops not even 2 minutes after I'm out of the cave…
It's going to be another lonely night on Zarathustra…
Voila, the kagoo is dead, the Fridays are happy and Trepliev1 received a new source of light in the progress, ofcourse the reward is not what he expected but heck, he should be happy to be alive!