Part 1: Making Friends in South Park

The main menu is oddly low-key. There's a lot of madness to come, so it's a nice way to start things off and ease us in.

Video:

You just know this guy got picked on in school. A lot.



: Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion.

The images have the narration as well, but it can be hard to read at times. So just ignore most yellow text on the images. This animation is remarkably well done, too. Kind of reminds me of the 1977 version of The Hobbit.







I feel I should also warn you that this game can get bloody.

: Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard.







Eric Cartman is the Grand Wizard of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. This game is very mature and sophisticated.



: For a thousand years the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers



: But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the humans' most treasured relic - the Stick of Truth.





I just can't get over how amazing the animation is here. Seriously, go back and watch the video. Yes, you specifically. Go watch the video.

: But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a new kid spreads throughout the land.







: In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid - before the drow elves can manipulate his mind and USE him to take the sacred relic from human hands.







: For whomever controls the Stick... controls the universe...





Are you guys pumped for an epic fantasy story where we save all of creation from the evil Drow Elf armies? This is South Park, so too bad.



Instead, let's make our original character. Do Not Steal!

Video:



Despite the claims of this sign, we only ever see two bedrooms and one bathroom in our new house. Yes, this is our house. We just moved to South Park.





: Well, I think that's everything.
: We did it, hon, we're really moved in!
: It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!
: Do you really think it will be better for ... him?



: They won't look for him here. We just need to make sure he doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how he's doing.



: Sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?



I have no idea why they look so shocked here.

: Hey, champ. How do you like your new room? I know it's a big change for all of us, but ... son, do you ... REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?



: (whispering to MOM) He doesn't remember.
: (whispering back) He doesn't remember at all.
: That's good. That's good he doesn't remember.
: Uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?
: Right, get outside and PLAY, son. Like ... like normal kids.
: We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just ... be back before it gets dark.
: (sarcastic) Yeah, we love you too.





Once they leave, we get control of our dude for the first time. The bear tape recorder in the bottom right means the game is saving, while the upper right shows that we, for some unknown reason, just got a windfall of $4.34.



There's a lootable container in our closet. While I'll be showing all that we pick up in this update, I'll be quickly stopping that unless it's something particularly funny or noteworthy.



The baseball cards are in gray text, which means they're vendor fodder. There is an achievement in this game for getting through it not selling anything at all. We will not be getting that achievement.



Out in the hallway, we can go downstairs and get on with the game, or we can poke around and explore our new home. The door next to ours is locked, but there is a bathroom door at the far end of the hall, opposite the stairs.



See all those gold-colored objects? We can interact with anything in that color.



For instance, under the sink we find a disused sponge and a rusted pipe. The bottom drawer has $0.10, so I don't bother getting a screencap.



We can also interact with the toilet.





... moving on.



We'll head left into the kitchen first, where Mom is unpacking.



Let's loot the place. There's $2.00 on the counter, like Mom and Dad promised.





Eye Black is a cosmetic item, while the bag of cheesy poofs is a health restorative. We'll cover health restoratives later, so let's look at cosmetics instead.



This is our inventory screen. We can equip four different types of cosmetics on the right side of the screen. The comb is hairstyles, the glasses are accessories, the third option is face paint, and the mustache is for facial hair. We now look like a nine year old football player.



: Go on outside, sweetie.

If we talk to her again...

: Go look around the neighborhood.

Heading into the living room, we need to be quick.



: C'mon, son. Get out there. Make friends.
: It wasn't a request, it was a COMMAND. Now get out there and make some friends!

Don't talk to Dad twice. He'll boot our ass out on the street, and then we'll have to go make friends. We want to avoid that, so let's loot the drawer instead.



If we put the wig on and try to leave, Dad has some choice words for us.

: You're really gonna go outside with that hair?
: So you realize that your hair looks like that?



He also gets up to kick us out onto the street if we dick around too much.



Eventually we'll wind up outside, whether by choice or force doesn't matter. Maybe we can try to re-enter.

: Will you go out and be a kid for Christ's sake?!

Right then, guess we're off to make friends.



First, this is the quest log. I probably won't be looking at this screen much. A lot of the quests are really straightforward.



We can't leave to the left. We're a human, and this barrier explicitly says humans aren't allowed past it.



Maybe we can hide in the garage.



Nothing worthwhile on the ground floor, though there is a treasure chest higher up.



For reference, here is what the pigtail wig looks like



and this is the surfer wig.



Both look awful, so we won't be wearing either. I also got tired of the quarterback look and took off the Eye Black.



A little past our garage, we hear sounds of combat.

: You shall die by my warhammer, Drow Elf!
: Nuh-uh!
: I banish thee to the forest realm!
: No way, I banished you first! AHA! You can't hold out much longer!
: Help! Somebody!! I can't hold out much longer!! Heeeeelp!
: Take that, human! Feel my wrath!
: Ow, ow, ouch!
: Yeah, I deserved that...
: Sorry for hurting your sword.

We should probably help that poor blond-haired boy.



: Hey, no fair. That's cheating. I'm gonna tell my mom.



: Thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion. My- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin. I live right next door to you. We should be friends!

Butters then finds and adds us on Facebook.



Then he posts a message on our wall.



I'll transcribe the Facebook status updates to make them a little easier to read.

: Hey everybody! There's a new kid playing with us, and me and him are friends! That way nobody picks on him.

: Now that we're friends, you should speak with the Wizard King! He's been talking about your arrival. The Wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there.



A little further up the street, we find the fabled Kupa Keep. (The garage in the image is locked. We'll get in it later.)

: Hey, where are you from?
: Where'd you live before moving here?
: Do you like Colorado?
: Why are you wearing your hair like that?
: You don't talk much, do ya? That's ok, I can talk for both of us!

Butters likes to talk.





: All hail the Grand Wizard!
: So, you are the New Kid. Your coming was foretold by Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time for talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom.



: Ohh, who's your new friend, Eric?
: Shut up, mom, not now.



Let's see what the nice lady has to say.

: Don't talk to her, she's not part of the game.

Oh ok. We'll just follow him, then.



: Welcome ... to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!



This is a shitty kingdom.



: Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior.



: Here you can see our massive stables, overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes.



: And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom. Don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick, it's just how he seems to be rolling right now.

Before we talk to Cartman, let's explore his shitty kingdom. First let's talk to Clyde and Scott.


: You may have heard of my deeds at the Battle of Stark's Pond.
: That's the line the Grand Wizard gave me.
: Sorry but the Grand Wizard told me to stick to the script.

: My loyalty is as incurable as my diabetes.
: The power of diabetes is both a gift and a curse. But mostly a curse.
: The Grand Wizard withholds snacks if we talk off script.
: Stick to your lines!! No talking, Scott!

Both Clyde and Scott added us on Facebook.



: Be careful, the Rock of Insanity holds mysterious powers!
: Kay, you're insane now. if you want to be healed, you must gaze at the Rock again.
: Kay, you're healed.
: Kay, you're insane now. ... Kay, you're healed.



: Ah yes, the Pool of Vision. Beautiful, isn't it?
: Do not disturb the sacred waters!
: You're messing with powers you don't understand.
: MOM! The New Kid keeps trying to pop the Pool of Vision!

The script I'm using doesn't have Cartman talking about the pool at all, so this is the only dialog I have recorded.



Next to the pool is a daffodil. We should pick it.



Picking the flower starts us in the middle of a quest! We could have spoken to Kenny to also get this quest. This means that we can start completing quests before we even receive them. This game is awesome in that regard.

On the other side of the kingdom we find more stuff to poke at.



: Ah, you have located the training area, where our massive army learns to fight.



: The Wizard Stump. Perhaps one day I will show you what it does ...
: Some say he who discovers the secret of the Wizard Stump is the master of his own destiny. I figured it out the other day. Pretty easy, at least for me.

Finally, there's a pretty big tower we can climb to look out over the town.



: Behold, the distant realm of Downtown, home of corrupt merchant lords and homeless people.

Additionally, according to the script, Cartman has lines for if you try to leave, and if you just stand around doing nothing.

: Hey, where the hell are you going??
: I know it is a massive kingdom, but you'll learn to find your way around.

Let's go talk to Princess Kenny.



: (muffled speak, requesting a flower)
: (Tee hee hee, I'm just a shy little princess!!)
: (I'd ask if you needed my assistance, but I can tell you don't!)
: (A daffodil for me?? Teeheehee, you shouldn't have.)

Kenny adds us on Facebook after giving him (her?) the daffodil.

: As Court Paladin, my job is to deliver the Wizard King's justice. And his mail.

: Like if you think I am the fairest maiden in all the land.
_{Scott Malkinson and 14 others like this.}
: Seriously, Princess Kenny you don't have to keep posting this.


: I'm supposed to donate most of my allowance since that's one of the rules of being a paladin. Anybody know who I'm supposed to give it to?
: Your King demands his tithe, paladin. Come talk to me.



: You have been sought out, New Kid, because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and, in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom. I know you are very excited. It's time for your first quest, but first - please tell us thy name.



New Kid is what I typed in. I like to pretend he's a smartass. I'm just going to copy this next bit straight from the script without editing, so you can understand exactly what happens.

: (regardless of what you enter) You entered "Douchebag". Is that correct?
(options: NO or YES)
: (regardless of choice) Are you sure you want to keep the name "Douchebag"?
(options: NO or YES)
: Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew.



Naturally, this game has a lot of flavor text for everything, including selecting classes. Also racism. It has a lot of racism and anti-semitism too.

: (when fighter is selected) A fighter has courage, honor, and the ability to kick fucking ass.
: (when fighter is selected and you are black) Black fighter, huh? Pretty scary.
: (when fighter is selected and you are white) A white fighter? Haven't seen a good one of those in a while.
: (when mage is selected) A mage is like a wizard only not as cool.
: (when thief is selected) You look sneaky enough to be a thief.
: (when thief is selected and you are white) A white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting ...
: (when jew is selected) Jew, huh? So I guess we'll never really be friends.

: We welcome to our kingdom Douchebag the Mage!
: Hooray!
: Now, please, go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!

We just joined the KKK!

Hey, wait a second...



More flavor text!

: You know what procure means, right? That's Old English for buy. Go buy a weapon from Clyde!
: (if you observe the Wizard Stump) Still haven't figured it out, Douchebag?
: (idle) Don't let it bother you that there is a game to be played.
: (idle) New Kid has checked out everything in my back yard. Hardcore Gamer. Wow.

Let's talk to Clyde and buy our weapon.

: Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler. Perhaps you would like to hear tips and rumors for two dollars?

: (if TIPS AND RUMORS) Don't waste your money on tips and rumors.



Most of the options are self-explanatory. Flair is a catchall for cosmetic items, while weapon strap-ons are something very special. I'll explain them more in-depth later.



The only weapon we can buy right now is a wand. But that's fine, it's a perfectly usable weapon.

: Ah, a lovely purchase.

: Good, now how about you EQUIP your weapon instead of carrying it in a bag where it's completely useless.



Over on the right side of the screen, we can see all sorts of stuff. The = means it's the same attack power as what we have equipped, while the damage range is self explanatory. The x2 means how many times it attacks.

Burning Surge is an equipped effect from the wand. Basically, if we get a perfect attack (I'll explain these shortly) on a target we've set on fire, we get 1PP back. All of that will make sense in a moment.

: Ah, you have procured a weapon. Nice. It is now time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight -- beat up Clyde.
: What?!



: Kick Clyde's ass, New Kid.
: What'd I do?!
: I'm the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on, New Kid, kick his ass.

So this is our combat tutorial.



: I'm gonna kick your ass!
: Clyde, you have to wait your turn.
: That's lame.
: No, Clyde, it's like olden times. You have to wait your turn. Like in the Middle Ages, Clyde! I know it's lame, Clyde, but that's how we're fucking doing it. Alright, Douchebag, bash Clyde's face in! Don't be shy.
: (blocking) This is unblockable!
: Come on! Fight!

We stand on the left side of the screen, and our opponent(s) on the right.



Fairly standard stuff so far. Select how we want to attack, and our target.



However, here's where the fun part comes in. You see, South Park the Stick of Truth uses a special combat system. Timed hits.



: Oh hell yeah! Clyde's your bitch!
: That all you got?

Mercifully the game shows you when to hit A. But, because the system is timed hits, you can do badly. If you do so, Cartman will berate you.

: Oh my god. It's Butters all over again. Okay, look. Try putting your back into it at the last possible moment.
: (sigh) Try it again. Focus right before you strike.
: Alright, fuck it, one more time. You can't possibly be this lame.
: Okay, so you are that lame. Let's just skip ahead.

: All right, Clyde's wearing armor. In order to hurt him, I want you to hit Clyde as hard as you can.





: Oh shit, dude, I think I see blood! Fucking nice, brah! That's exactly what you do to guys with armor like that.

Supposing that you failed to hit X at the proper time, Cartman has more words of encouragement.

: POWER Attack, Douchebag. You need to really hurt Clyde.
: If that was a Power Attack, how come Clyde isn't crying? Let's go!
: Super weak, dude. I don't even wanna think about what I just witnessed. Let's move on.

: Okay, listen up. The key to surviving in battle is not to get hit in the balls. Clyde, it's your turn to attack. Douchebag, protect your balls!



The timing on this is a little more strict. So unlike the previous two, you may not get this the first time.

: Prepare yourself!



: Die!
: Suck it!
: Critical hit!
: This does double damage!

Clyde will randomly say one of these while attacking you.

: Yes!! That's what I'm talking about. Dude, you're already WAY better than Clyde.

Alternatively...

: No, no, I said PROTECT. PROTECT your balls.
: No, that's not blocking, that's sucking. Try again.
: Alright, you know what, never mind about blocking. It's - not that important. Just let them hit you, it's fine.



This line is very important. Unlike Paper Mario, there are no perfect blocks. Blocking will reduce a lot of the incoming damage, though. So you should always try.

: All right. It is time to use your heroic powers. Using your ability takes power points, or PP for short.



PP is just our supply of mana.

: Hehehehe, PP.
: IF YOU HAVE A FUCKING BETTER NAME FOR THEM THEN FUCKING SAY IT, CLYDE! FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M THE KING, AND I SAY IT'S PP! Douchebag, use your mage ability to make Clyde pay for insulting the king!



Regular attack is blacked out on the left, so we have to select abilities.



Dragon's Breath is an amazing skill, and only gets better as time goes on. It'll be my go-to ability for this LP for good reason.



Namely that reason.

: Way to wipe that smile off his stupid face, Douchebag. Now ... do it one more time. Finish him!
: What?! I was going easy. Take this!

Alternatively...

: Dude, that was pretty lame. Try it again, dude.
: Do you have some kind of problem with authoritah? Do what I told you, use your authoritah!
: Douchebag, that's not your heroic ability. Get serious.
: Did the fucking elves send you? Did they send you to torment me? Let's try something else.

You have to try to not get it perfect with a mage. The timed hit is mashing the shit out of the A button. At this point we're left to finish Clyde off any way we choose to.

: Dick!
: Didn't count!
: I dodged that!

Apparently you can also die in this fight. I'm not sure how. If you manage to fuck up that badly, Cartman has special dialogue.

: Oh my god, you fucking died. Okay, I'm going to bring you back to life with this special potion

In my game, this is how Clyde went down:





: HAHA, HAHAHA! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was all like "aaghghg, noo"! Hahahaha! Okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic.



Now, we could follow Cartman, or we could do what we do best. Namely waste time.

: You fight pretty good, New Kid.

: (from inside tent) Douchebag? I ordered you into the war tent, Douchebag.

: I think the Grand Wizard wants you to meet him in the war tent.

Butters also has a bizarre amount of dialogue for looking at stuff without Cartman around.

: (if you observe the Wizard Stump) Boy, that stump's really something, huh?
: (if you observe the Wizard Stump) Why, without the stump I might never have joined up with the Legion in the first place.
: (if you hit the Pool of Vision sign) Careful. The Pool of Vision holds the secret to all our futures.
: (if you hit the Pool of Vision) Aw, come on, New Kid. We'll need that pool when summer comes.
: (if you climb the tower) What do you see? Can you see Heaven, or just houses and stuff?


Anyway, that's all for this time. Next time we get to see the mythical stick of truth. We also get more combat tutorials.