Part 2: Evicting Vagrants

We're back! Let's see what that Stick of Truth thing is all about.



: Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die... The Stick of Truth.



: Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe.



: Don't gaze at it too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!



: Now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your dues. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety five for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductable-



: ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!
: Someone has sounded the alarm!



: (entering) Alarm alarm alarm!!
: What is it?!
: The elves are attacking!
: Oh my GOD! Defensive positions!



Let's take a closer look at the stick.



Yep. That's a stick alright.



Over here on the other side of the tent is a map.



The red X is on City Wok for reasons I can't begin to fathom. Otherwise, it looks like Cartman's plan is for him and Kenny to attack another house from the front, and Butters to sneak up from behind.

Wait in the tent long enough and Cartman gets antsy.

: (from outside) Douchebag! Come help us!
: (from outside) Help us, New Kid! And don't steal any of my shit in there!
: (from outside) Sure wish our new kid would fucking help us.
: (from outside) Come on Douchebag! We're waiting for you!!

Let's go out and beat up some elves.



: Man the gate! Don't let them through!



: Give us the Stick, humans!
: Fuck you, drow elf! Come and get it!



: CLYDE! Guard the Stick of Truth while we defend the fortress!!
: Aye, aye!
: "Aye, aye"? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde! Douchebag, this is your chance to prove yourself. Hold off the asshole elves at all costs!!



: Die asshole!
: This elf is gonna fuck you up!

The elves randomly shout these as they attack.

: (being attacked) God dammit!
: Butters! BUTTERS! You're LOSING! STOP LOSING!
: Bu-but I don't wanna make em feel bad!

: Kick their asses, New Kid! I got your back!
: I swear to God, Scott, if you keep fighting like a pussy I'll come over there and kick you in your diabetic nuts!
: Fight! Fight to the last man! Seriously, you guys!
: No, kitty, fight back! That's a bad kitty!
: Each one of you must fight as THREE of them!
: You're losing to ELVES, for chrissakes!

: (when spoken to) Protect me, Douchebag, for I am the King and the King believes in others fighting for him.
: (when spoken to) Protect your King!
: (when spoken to) I'm gonna come in right at the end and do something really sweet.

So there's three groups of elves to attack. One is attacking a cat, one is beating up Butters, and one is dancing on Scott. Let's go save the kitty first.



: Do it, Douchebag! Kick these elves' asses!



The bowman shoots us and it hurts. A lot.

: You're wounded, Douchebag! Potions will heal you! Here! (he gives you some cheesy poofs)





Cheesy poofs are a small restorative item, which means they restore 40% HP. Most of the time, you'll be fine using these to recover.



: The rules say you can have one potion every turn. I asked for five but this was the compromise.

Here they recover almost all the damage we took from that arrow.



Yes, you read that right. Using an item is a free action in this game!

: This guy's fast, Douchebag. Try to block all his attacks.



: Well, if this job doesn't work out, at least you've got a future as a training dummy. Come on, get it right.
: I said "block" not "get nailed by". Maybe I wasn't clear. Try again.

He attacks twice. The timing is a bit tricky at first, but it's not too bad. You also have to keep blocking until you get the timing right. Cartman won't let you fail out of this one!

: Okay if you block all the attacks you get a counterattack! Look at your enemy on the ground, weak and helpless. Kick the shit out of him!!



: Awesome! You kicked his helpless ass.

Alternatively...

: Douchebag you let him get away! Come on, let's try again.
: Stop fighting with honor and beat the kid while he's down.
: I don't believe what I'm seeing. What was that, mercy? Grow some balls, dude.

: Now finish off these elves in the name of the Wizard King.

When attacking, elves have a lot of things to say.

: Suck it!
: Eat shit.
: Take this!
: Asshole!
: Kiss my ass!
: Suck on this!
: Feel my wrath!
: In your face!

They also have a lot of things to say if you just stand around in the middle of combat.

: Come on!
: Hurry up.
: This sucks.
: Stop dicking around!
: Let's go asshole!
: Wait - whose turn is it?
: You're not waiting on me, are you?
: I have to go to the bathroom.
: We're still doing this, right?
: Man, I could be watching TV right now.

Finally, if you hit an opponent hard enough, or hit them while they're knocked out, they'll get up and run away. Elves also say something when that happens.

: This sucks.

These sayings count across the entire game. So just pick one randomly every time we beat a random group of elves.

Honestly, this is still the tutorial zone, so it's almost impossible to lose this fight. After we win, Cartman seems happy.

: Great job, Douchebag!



We get some things after we win, including a new piece of equipment. The game helpfully equips it for us automatically.



Each enemy you beat also drops random items on death. This is probably the only one of those I'll post. The game will drop healing items pretty frequently, so there's no reason to hoard anything. Use 'em if you got 'em.

Moving on to the next fight...



: You've got this, Douchebag!



See this? This is this guy changing stances. I'll let Cartman explain for me.

: What are you waiting for, Douchebag? That guy's just standing there. Go kick his ass!



: Haha, hahaha! Aw, man, he was totally waiting for you, dude. You can't just hit him like that. You need to try a different tactic to damage him. Look at that archer, hiding behind his friend like a wuss. Switch to your arrows, Douchebag. Snipe that little bitch.





Let's take his advice and snipe that archer.

: Sweet, now you can hit the guy in the back. Go for the pink mist!



This was a power attack, but it's just shooting the arrow super hard, so no gif. Also the gif would be massive.

:Yeah, bitch! That's what you get for fucking with the Wizard King.

You can also ignore what Cartman says and attack the riposting elf.

: Douchebag, use your arrows. Take out the archer. Do what I say or you can't play anymore!



On his next turn, the elf up front changes to reflect stance. Again, Cartman will explain.

: Careful, Douchebag. That guy's ready for your arrows now. You gotta try something else.



The different stances have different animations entirely based on where the other guy holds his weapon. If you're unsure of which one they're using, just use an ability. Moving on to the third fight...

: (after you win the fight) Great job, Douchebag!

: (as you start the third fight) Let's do this, Douchebag.



: Okay, that guy has a shield. Shields are super weak. Just hit them with your simplest hit over and over to wear them down quickly.



: (as you hit his shield) You can't hurt me!

There's some failure dialogue here.

: (if you try to hit the riposting elven sentinel) That's what you get for not listening. That guy is totally ready for you. Hit the shield guy.
: (if you Power Attack) Dude, you don't Power Attack a shield! That's bush league. Just use your normal attack so you can hit him again.



This is why you don't power attack a shielded enemy. Power attacks are single attacks, and oftentimes shielded foes have 2 or 3 layers of armor to peel back.



: (if you hit the shielded elf twice) Hell yeah, that's how you do it. The other elf let his guard down. Now's your chance. Power Attack his armor!



: (if you Power Attack the elf) That's it! Now finish him!

: (if you hit normally) If you don't hit this bitch as hard as you can, her armor is gonna soak up all the damage.
: (if you hit normally) If that was a Power Attack it was the weakest Power Attack in the history of Power Attacks.



Hopefully that wasn't too confusing. To recap...

If you BLOCK all of an enemy's attacks, you get a counterattack.

If an enemy is in RIPOSTE stance, use ranged attacks or abilities.

If an enemy is in REFLECT stance, use melee attacks or abilities.

If an enemy is SHIELDED, use weak or multi-hit attacks.

If an enemy is ARMORED, use a power attack.

Video:

: Drow elves! Fall back! Fall back I say!



: YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NAAA NA! We still control the universe! HA HA HA HA HAAA HA!



: It's gone.
: What?
: The Stick of Truth. The elves got it.
: THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STICK OF FUCKING TRUTH! Clyde... you are hereby BANISHED from space and time!
: What?! No! You can't do that!
: Yeah I can! You're banished, and lost in time and space!
: Yeah! Go home, Clyde!



: You fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag.
: Yeah, this new kid may be a douchebag but he sure can fight!
: Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen, and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back.
: But our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my King!
: Our newest member can take care of that. Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors: Token, Tweek, and Craig.



: I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now. But beware. The lands outside are full of marauding drow elves, monsters, and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now go! And send my warriors here!



: Butters, go with him.

The majority of the tutorials are over with now. There's still a couple, but we're now pretty much turned loose on South Park.



The game helpfully has a fast travel flag right in Kupa Keep. Of course, we don't have any other destinations unlocked so this doesn't help us very much yet. If we talk to Butters while he's at the Keep, he'll say this.

: What, you- you want me to fight with you? Okay!! This paladin is ready to kick some ass!

Now that Clyde's been banished from time and space, Scott has moved up in the world to shopkeep.

: Guess I'm minding the shop now. You need any weapons or armor?
: How may I be of service?

: (as shop opens) You name it, we'll sell it!
: (as shop opens) Here's what we're selling today.
: (as shop opens) Got some pretty good wares here.

: (when you buy something) Deal!
: (when you buy something) Good choice!
: (when you buy something) A nice purchase.
: (when you buy something) All yours!

: (if you open the SELL tab) What are you selling?
: (if you open the SELL tab) Let's see what you've got!
: (if you open the SELL tab) Got something you want to sell?

He'll pick one randomly when you talk to him.



Now that we're level 2, new items are available for purchase. I buy the lightning wand. It should be noted, however, that you can use any weapon as any class. Indeed, the strongest weapon in the game is a sword. All class determines is what abilities you can use.



You don't earn a lot from selling stuff. Those dimes, nickels, and quarters do add up though!



This is our new wand. It looks like a Tesla coil. Naturally it adds electric damage on top of what it deals as physical, and on a perfect hit will debuff an enemy's attack. In practice, this means that every time you hit someone with it, their attack gets debuffed.



For reference, here's our bow. It fires a volley of three arrows on a regular perfect hit, which makes it perfect for shredding shields as well as apparently armor.



Finally, on level up we earn an ability point. Our choices right now are to level up Dragon's Breath, or the ability we just learned at level 2. I'm gonna max out Dragon's Breath first. It gets really kickass at level 5.



Dust of Dreams is also extremely powerful. It hits super hard and stuns enemies for several turns. In a tough fight, being able to take someone out of combat for several turns can help keep you from dying.



As we gain levels, Dragon's Breath becomes more and more dangerous. Eventually it will be able to end most random battles before they really even begin.

Anyway, Cartman goes to hang out in his war tent. We can bother him in there.


: Are you still here, Douchebag? I told you to go find Token, Craig, and Tweek! Chop chop!
: (if you hit a KFC bucket) Don't touch my chicken!

Yeah, not very exciting. Let's get this show on the road.



: You kids be careful, now.
: My Eric certainly has a lot of little playmates. He's such a friendly boy.
: I've had my problems raising Eric, but somehow he always forgives me.
: I made some powdered donut pancake surprise if you boys get hungry later!

We're now Facebook friends with Mrs. Cartman.



I'm not going to be opening the world map. South park is a small town, and getting out and exploring is half the fun! Also note that we have Butters' house key. We should raid that for things to sell for pocket change.



This is just sitting in the end table next to the couch. If I'm not mistaken, most of the loot shots I have for this update are cosmetics.

Upstairs, we visit Mrs. Cartman's bedroom.

: This is where the magic happens. Last week Cartman's mom was here with a few men having a whole lot of magic. She was doin hand magic and butt magic...















Revive potions in this game are tacos.



We also find another awful wig in her bedroom.



This is the Evil Cartman Goatee, which is normally black. I dyed it to match our hair, so now we look like a hippie. Anyway, let's move on to Cartman's bedroom.



: Uhh, this is the King's room. I don't think we're supposed to be in here. What exactly are you looking for?



: (on CARTMAN'S CLOSET) Wow, Eric has a lot of cool stuff!

Each of the main cast members has a closet you can look in with memoribilia of the random shit they've done over the years.



Other than that, there's not much in his house. If you mess with the radio in his bedroom, you can hear a couple songs he's sung over the years. Including, yes, that one. (It's not the movie version thankfully.)



Outside the house, we see that Clyde sent us a Facebook message.

: Fuck you, New Kid! Things were fine until you showed up. I'll get you back for this, I swear!

Well that was rude. Let's loot Cartman's garage to make ourself feel better.

Cartman will also now send you a Facebook message if you have all the DLC for this game. Becuase it's just armor and crap I don't want, I don't have it. This is the message he sends, however...

: No way dude, you got all the DLC! Fucking bullshit, my fucking bitch mom only let me get one DLC!
_{Butters likes this.}







That purple bird thing was a Chinpokomon. It's one of the collectibles in the game. I'm gonna try to get all 30 of them. In an astounding dick move, several of them are permanently missable.

: (when you pick up PENGIN) Those are Holy Icons from Orient. Legend has it that he who can collect enough will be rewarded.



Rats serve to block access to areas we shouldn't be yet. Butters also speaks up the first time we approach the road.

: We aren't allowed to go in the street. It's such an open world, our parents don't want us getting hurt!

So let's go down the sidewalk instead.



We meet this red-headed fellow outside of Butters' house.

: The Wizard King says I'm too ginger to be one of the humans, but Paladin Butters lets me be his squire on the sly.
: Paladins seek justice for all races!

Dougie adds us on Facebook. Let's go meet Butters' parents and raid his house for shit to sell.



: Behold! The residence of Butters the Merciful!

Talking to his mom...

: Butters really is a very sweet boy. I hope you'll treat him as you would a normal child.
: You'll like it here. The air is fresh, and there's always something to do to take your mind off things you wish had never happened.

Mrs. Stotch adds us on Facebook as well. Butters' dad is a little to the left, next to the stairs.

: Ah, this must be the new kid!
: We're playin, dad!
: Good for you!
: You Facebook me right away if Butters does something he should be grounded for.

: (if you're with Butters) Butters, I hope you're teaching this new kid how to be popular.
: I sure am, Dad!

Mr. Stotch adds us on Facebook, and that pushes us over a threshold.



At 7 friends, we unlock our first perk. Perks are powerful passive abilities that can greatly augment your playstyle.



I took the perk that makes our initial attack more powerful. Other perks include "revive potions revive you and your allies at full health," "you have 20% more health," "you deal more damage to and take less damage from enemies afflicted with <debuff>," and so on.

Anyway, let's go up to Butters' room.



: Welcome to MY room!
: (passing his hamsters) Those are my minions. They help me punish society.

In his dresser drawer, we find some interesting items.



Chinballs are "nice" and all, but the real prize is the Chaos Lair key. It opens up a storage locker that Butters somehow owns.



Our second Chinpokomon is over next to Butters' shelf. We're 6% done collecting them now!



A lot of the cosmetics you pick up are really awful.



Butters' closet is actually pretty organized.



Over in his parents room, we find a garage key and one of the dyes. I think it was pink. However, there's also a hidden treasure. This mechanic is about to be explained in a minute, but you can use your ranged attack outside of combat to hit things.

In this case we're shooting a jewelry box with an arrow to get the contents.



So yeah, hold LT and you can shoot stuff. In this image there are four things to shoot - the Chinpokomon, the snow bank, the hanging target, and the pile of wood.



10%!



Now that we have a class and weapons, we can ignore this "No Humans" sign. Breakable objects in this game appear cracked and



Occasionally they flash golden. We will need to break a lot of stuff in our quest.



Past the sign is the bus stop area. We find our second fast travel flag here.





: Timmy!

Well then. Let's continue on.



I can't target this snowman despite how much I would like to shoot it.





: These lands hold many dangers, New Kid!
: Yeah, you moved to the wrong realm!
: Nice hair, douchebag.

: (attacking) You're mine now!



This is Fury of the Elves, or Wrath of the Elves. Something something angry elves. The enemy gets free actions just like we do, and this is one of them. He then smacks us a few times.

: You're hurt! This looks like a job for Paladin Butters!





: Hoo, I'm beat. I better wait a turn before I do any more healing.



He actually heals you three times. He can do this once per turn, for free, and it doesn't cost him his attack. For this reason, Butters is probably the best companion in this game. Speaking of his attack...



That looks like it hurts.



Because he's a paladin, his hammer even deals holy damage. I'm not sure on the specifics of what takes extra damage from holy attacks, but the vast majority of enemies in the game do.

In retribution, the asshole archer uses barbed arrows that I'm bad at blocking. It makes Douchebag start bleeding.



: Hey look, you're bleeding!





Bleeding is a common and very serious debuff. It's the sort of thing you want to get cleared up immediately. Let's take a look at it first, though.





We're gonna be taking damage after every action and at the end of our turn for five turns. This damage is percentage based, though I'm not sure of the exact number. I do know that at five stacks, bleeding will ruin your day. Don't let it get to five stacks!

: It looks bad. Here, take some of this magic cure potion!



: Make sure you always carry a few potions. Just don't get grounded for raiding the apothecary's pantry like I did.

We can't reach the asshole with the arrows, so let's set his priest friend on fire instead.



The game helpfully tells us when an enemy is weak to an element we're planning on attacking with.



It will tell us many times.



This is our Tesla coil's basic perfect attack combo. Despite being outnumbered two-to-one, we still chump these guys.



This also marks the last official tutorial fight. From here on, the game officially starts.



There's a girl sitting on the bench. Let's talk to her.

: Sorry, but we can't be friends until you have more friends.

That's disappointing. But we'll be back later when we have a bunch of friends!



Back behind this evergreen is an easily missable path. The first time I played, I didn't see it until the very end of the game.



Let's celebrate our newfound freedom from tutorials by beating up a group of transients.

: Well there's a professor of astrophysics, there's a professor of neurobiology... Uh that one is a lawyer, I think. He said he went to Oxford.



HOBO: (starting fight) Wha?
HOBO: (starting fight) You hornin' in on my action?
HOBO: (idle) Spare change?
HOBO: (idle) You got any change?
HOBO: (idle) Gimme some change, dammit!
HOBO: (idle) Whatever you can spare.
HOBO: (idle) Just give me whatever you got on you. I'm good for it.
HOBO: (when hit) Hey!
HOBO: (when hit) Wanna play rough, huh?
HOBO: (when hit) That's not nice.
HOBO: (when hit) Aw, come on.
HOBO: (when hit) What'd I do??

No talking head for the hobos, because they're such a bit part that it's not worth even making one. Interestingly, they have more dialogue than Kelly back there, but she's a Facebook friend and so she gets her own icon.

Anyway, these hobos are technically a miniboss encounter. We won't get the quest to take care of them until later, but we'll get credit for clearing the camp this early.



This is the new ability we got for level 2.



On shorter opponents, he nails them right in the groin with that sucker punch.



Two hobos are stunned. The one in the far back was stunned because of another mechanic the game only briefly mentions. If you shoot someone with your ranged weapon outside of combat, they are stunned for their first turn when you initiate combat.

The guy we sucker punch is stunned for, I believe, three turns.



This is one of Butters' abilities. It lets him deal electric damage to several enemies.



See that green ring around the back hobo? That means he will also be hit by this ability.



The first boss turn, and one is stunned and nearly dead, another is half dead and stunned, and the third is perfectly healthy.



He celebrates his health by throwing bottles at us.



On the next turn, the one in the back takes a swig of his bottle of liquid courage. This gives him 24 health back, doubles his armor, and boosts his attack. This is a free action. He spends his turn doing this...



I'm really bad at blocking this attack. I'm really lucky that I blocked the one attack, though. If I hadn't, that hobo would have killed Douchebag in a single turn!



So let's show him our Tesla coil's power attack in response.



Despite the close call, that was not a particularly difficult fight. Locking down two of the three hobos on the first turn really helped.



We find another awful cosmetic item on one of the hobos.



Inside this tent we find lime green dye. Not particularly great rewards, but at least it was fun!


That's all for now! Next time, we start exploring the town in earnest.