Part 13: New Message from Al Gore

Hello everyone. We're past the sewers and we never* have to go back in there. As far as sewer levels go, that one was positively mild. All the same, there's still relief at being done with it.

* (There's a Chinpokomon we can't get in the sewers until the very end of the game. There's also some minor loot hidden behind another traversal power we don't have yet. Though I can offscreen all of that.)



We've finished three sidequests, and made pretty good progress on a third. The fourth will have to wait for a bit. Let's start with Jimbo and make the rounds from there.







: That mouse was making us all look bad. In more ways than one eh, Ned?
: Speak for yourself.

: All right! Looks like that bat's sucked its last fruit!

: I can't wait to see what you kill next!

I feel I should mention, that Jimbo is giving us armor patches and weapon stickers with each bounty we turn in. So far none of them are worth mentioning. If I'm not mistaken, this current crop got us a sticker for a small amount of armor piercing, and a sticker for a minute amount of gross damage.



Next up is City Hall, to turn in the "evict the homeless" quest.



: Thanks, kid. Your work helping with the homeless of South Park will never be forgotten. Here's your cash.
: I don't wanna hear about your problems until you're eighteen, kid.

Complaining about the amount of money we received for beating up homeless people is kinda fucked up. But on the other hand $15 feels a tad on the low side.



On the other hand, we now have 70 Facebook friends.



It took a while to decide on this perk to take. None of the ones remaining were particularly appealing. I took bonus melee damage solely to make a boss fight in the distant future less of a pain in the ass.



Back in the Drow Elf kingdom...



: Our territory is restored. I am honored to friend you, Dragonborn.

: FUCK YOU for smashing all my fucking banners, ASSHOLE!!! That's what I want you to tell the guy who did this, once you catch him for me.

: Hey if you're selling any pills let me know. I don't care what kind.



I know I'm going to regret doing this.



Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to not turn in this quest.





: Nice work! I will let you know of any updates on ManBearPig. Make sure to share the news on Facebook. I am super cereal.

: Keep an eye out for ManBearPig. I'll contact you on the Internet when I pinpoint his exact location.

That wasn't nearly as painful as I was expecting. Now let's check the quest log.



Yeah, that looks much better. Let's go pretend to be a goth kid.

(I'm really trying to waste time and get the last bits of XP before level 11. Spoilers, I don't succeed.)



Now if I remember correctly, they wanted us to look suitably goth.



Shitty clothes? Check. Emo haircut? Check. Awful gothic styled glasses? Check. Pedophile facial hair? Check. A raging case of acne? Check and check!

Yeah, I think we look suitably goth. Also, is it just me, or can you all just feel the grease and oil coming through that image?



: Oh joy, it's Butthole the Barbarian from the Dungeons of Dumbass.
: You got to admit he looks better.
: Yeah, he's almost a goth.
: Being goth isn't just how you dress, it's a frame of mind. It's time for you to prove that you go against society's rules.
: Yeah.
: There's a big PTA meeting happening right now at the community center. You need to walk right into the middle of that meeting and tape this sign to their table.



: Yeah, THAT will prove your individuality.
: Go on, beat it. And don't come back until you have a picture of that sign taped to the PTA table.

: Go about your questing, hobbit boy.

: Go take the picture, jerk!

: Are your hobbit ears failing you? I gave you your quest.

: Bug off!



Not staying in those clothes a second longer than I have to.



: I think MBP is outside my secret base RIGHT NOW. Either that or a street sweeper.



Yeah, I don't care.

: Uh, yeah, have fun in there, I think I'll wait it out.
: (I'm not fucking going in there. I'll wait out here.)
: No offense, but there's no point in both of us being grounded. I'm staying outside.
: Good luck in there, Douchebag. You're a braver man than I.

Video:



Douchebag with his Fuck the Conformists sign is kind of adorable. It's also peak South Park.



: It isn't right, I tell you! Out of nowhere this huge Taco Bell is being built, and now our children are missing precious school time!



: Parents, we've been assured by the builders that they are working to fix whatever problems they've encountered and school should be able to resume soon.



: Resume soon?! Who do they think they are? They think we're gonna see a Taco Bell as being more important than our kids' educations?



: What if it's not really a Taco Bell we're dealing with? Thank you for coming, New Kid. Everyone, this is the kid whose family just moved to town.





: We've become very close friends. His name is... what's your name?





: Well anyway, this child and I witnessed something last night, and I'd like you to hear his story. Go ahead, kid.





: Tell them, you know, about all the-- go ahead. Tell 'em. Tell 'em that stuff.





: This is a waste of everyone's time! If the PTA isn't going to do something about Taco Bell taking over then the rest of us parents will!
ALL: YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! Let's go!
: COME ON!







: "Fuck the Conformists" Why? Are they a good lay?

: Why don't you exercise your free speech at home, little boy?



Oh no, it's started.



I knew we shouldn't have!



Now we're not safe!







GOD HELP US ALL!












Sorry about that. I'm not sure what came over me.

: Don't be screwing around in here.
: Hey, quit screwing around.
: You're always screwing around.
: Don't you know what happens when you screw around?



: This is a PTA meeting, young man, be on your way.

: I saw you on the ship. You have pretty good control over your asshole.
: I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about it, but people need to know what's going on.



Make it stop! Mr. Mackey has a sidequest for us.



: I used to have a bad hoarding problem, m'kay, but I got past it. Now I can just throw things away. Would you mind throwing this away for me? I just need it thrown away somewhere very specific. I'll show you on your map. M'kay thanks.
: All purchases go directly to supporting the PTA, m'kay.





I've never actually used either of these weapons. I honestly usually forget that this shop even exists. The Batdadarang seems pretty nice in particular.



There's also this ugly-as-fuck armor. Anyway, the story won't continue until we approach the PTA's table with our sign. The video I linked above also contains this cutscene.





: Look, I know how you're feeling, ok? But this isn't gonna solve anything. We've got to get inside that "Taco Bell" and find out what's really going on. Help me with that and I'll help you with this.



: I saw you on the ship - you have pretty good control over your farts. Meet me in the bathroom. It's time for you to learn some REAL power.



Dangit. Can there be one story quest we do that isn't ridiculously circuitous? Anyway, time to walk into the bathroom, alone, where a grown man is waiting to show us something.





: I can tell you have potential, but you are undisciplined.



: Let me show you what I mean. Come at me. Try and fart on me. Come on!







: (if you fail) Kee-ya! You call that farting on someone? You missed by a mile. Try again!





: Hai-CHAA! See that? Your fart's over there somewhere. Didn't come close.



: So... what do you do when people can block your farts? You must learn to control your farts to move and release at a specific time and place.



: I am going to teach you a fart called... The Sneaky Squeaker. It will become your greatest ally. Don't believe me? Try and block my attack.

















: You see that? I distracted you. Distracting your opponents is key to battle. Look, let me show you again. Pay special attention to the viscosity.







: Okay, you try. Make your fart detonate behind me.

Each successive fart tutorial is less and less useful. A lot of folks have trouble with this one. As always, the key is to follow the prompts explicitly. Don't act until you see the tutorial at the top of the screen do so.



First you hold down the right thumbstick.



Next you find the frequency and hold it. The fart ball, that tiny green blob, will travel well past Randy. Don't worry about this, it's supposed to happen. A lot of people, myself included, tried to detonate it early. Why did I do this? Because I was listening to Randy. I was trying to detonate it when it was behind him.



Instead you're supposed to set off the fart way the fuck over on the far left side of the screen. See that green spot on the ground? No? Well it's there. The fart ball is on the far left. That is where you're supposed to press the right thumbstick up. This tutorial has absolutely nothing in common with using this fart in the game proper, by the way. The controls are completely different.

: (if you fail) Undisciplined. Even a child could block that fart. Look, let me show you again. Pay special attention to the viscosity. (he farts) Okay, you try. Make your fart detonate behind me.
: (if you fail) No you're not forming it right. Imagine you're chewing bubblegum with your butthole. Look, let me show you again. Pay special attention to the viscosity. (he farts) Okay, you try. Make your fart detonate behind me.

I can't imagine how I got the wrong idea of how to do this tutorial when I first played. I mean the instructions are so clear.



: Oh hey, guys.
: Oh, Mr. Mackey.



: Now it's your turn. Use Sneaky Squeaker to distract Mr. Mackey over to the corner there.
: (if you fail) Wow, he's still going, huh? Do it again.
: (if you fail) You waited too long. The bubble popped in the wrong place. Do it again.



: Hey, did you guys hear that? Sounded like a chipmunk...

: KEE-YAAAA!





: Very, very good. Now, use what I've taught you to sneak inside that Taco Bell. Find out what they're up to and report back here.



: And no matter what happens, never fart on anyone's balls. You got that? All right, now go.



I guess we're sneaking into a Taco Bell construction site. Let's...



Uh, did I miss something in the middle of that tutorial?

: ManBearPig is the greatest threat to society today! Signal Boost! Share this message!

: Like this status is you are a Junior Al Gorean!

: You doing anything right now

: Hey hows your day going

: Why are you not answering my messages?

: Are you there?

: Please Respond! Please Please Please Please Please!

: ManBearPig attacks have doubled in the past six months! You have to help me spread awareness!

: ManBearPig. Any leads?

: Testing the Emergency ManBearPig Broadcast Network Test Test Test Test Test

: It is an outrage nobody cares ManBearPig is out there! Super cereal right now.

: Just went to the bathroom but I totally have to go again. What's up with that?

: Hey it's me Al Gore

: Throwing a huge MBP theme party. So many awesome people here.

: Had the best breakfast ever.

: Have you or any members of your family been mauled by ManBearPig?

: You need to check out this MBP video I just saw.

: I think MBP is outside my secret base RIGHT NOW. Either that or a street sweeper.

Holy shit. Yeah, we should probably go unfriend Al Gore. But first...



There's a Chinpokomon hiding in this back stall in the men's room.



Are you guys ready? Next time we're going to unfriend Al Gore on Facebook.