Part 1: B and I Talk in a Ski Lift!

Chapter 1 - B and I Talk in a Ski Lift!


OMG, we are in a ski lift RIGHT NOW. Posting via Blackberry! B says the trip is gonna be great. What do I do?!



'Great Lakes' great or 'Great Houdini' great?



She called me a dork! Is that what she actually thinks of me or am I reading too much into this? Holy shit. You will never guess what happened next.

This mountain is pretty intimidating: challenging trails, lots of cute, single girls.... Maybe with my help you can conquer one of them.

does she mean by that?!?



BTW, I have a wallet, my cell phone (all my numbers got erased, though), and a Golden Line Notebook to write down any really good golden lines.

For example, I went on my own and said:

The trails?
Do I look like a ski instructor?
No, you look like an aerobics instructor.

B ignored me, but I thought it was a good line, so I made sure to note "No, you look like an aerobics instructor." in my Golden Line Notebook.

Anyway, B sort of ignored me, so I went back to her earlier point.

The girls?
Whaddya think, wanna take advice from a member of the enemy side?

Why is she trying to get me to hook up with other girls? Unless... agh! I don't understand women at all!

Now what?!



edit: Sorry if I didn't follow advice on that one. For the most part I will, I just wanted to explain why I carry a Golden Line Notebook with me. Anyway, I'm sure she would have said the same thing either way, but you never know.

Alright, maybe she'll respond to being a bit cocky.

Brett doesn't need any help scoring with the ladies.
He will if he keeps referring to himself in the third person. Do you want my help or not?

Damn, that wasn't good at all! Well, after that I went ahead and blurted out:

Yes, oh dear God, yes!

Oh God, I hope I'm not too over-eager!







OK. You be you and I'll be the girl you're trying to hit on.

I'm thinking I should say:

"What if you be me and I be the girl?"
or
"OK. Let's do this."

Mr. Swoon posted:

Failing that, show her your wallet.

I don't think I'd be interested in that.

That wasn't what I meant, but I was so nervous that I couldn't explain myself exactly. So I took a deep breath and acted hard. Just like Vinny Jones would. (Did you guys see Snatch because that shit is awesome!)

Then again, The idea of being a girl seems a bit enjoyable and I couldn't help but smile!



Wasting time, loverboy...

Hmmm. Sometimes it seems like the things I think of saying have no effect on B and she gives me a token response. Then I should have just said the other thing I was thinking in the first place! God, she's so pretty, though! And her internal circulation is so warm that she has no need of normal winter garments!

OK. Let's do this.
This is how it works. You say something and then judge from my face whether I like it or not. Now, sometimes I'll try to hide what I'm thinking, so you should trust your intuition as well. OK, you're at a bar and you see a cute girl. What's your first move?




edit:

Mr. Swoon posted:

He could be into pegging. I bet he's into pegging. Brett I think you like pegging, so try to be the girl.

Damn you Wikipedia!

Two for drink, intro, and, and joke each?! And one for compliment? Ugh... jeez, I guess I just gotta pick one.

Gulp! Okay, I'll buy a drink. (Hypothetically of course!)

Buy her a drink.
That's a bit pushy, but pick the right drink and the girl might dig you.

Argh! This is all so confusing!

Zilduar posted:

Tell her a joke involving Houdini somehow.

I bet I can't escape from your box!
What?
Nothing.

Ah! That didn't work! I'm no good at jokes! And I'm even worse with elaborate lies!

And there are so many ties on what to do next! Um, um, I'll try introducing myself!

Introduce myself.
Hmmm, just remember what you say isn't always as important as how you say it.

Axissilian posted:

Go for soulless Brett

...Well, okay.

() Hi, I'm Brett.
Not bad. Simple and non-threatening. But you'll want to smile eventually, or she'll think you don't like her.

Wow... I think that was actually the best way I could've handled it!

I get it.
What next?

Hmmm...

Dashiell posted:

when do we get to ask about her horribly mismatched breasts?

I dunno about this one, but I'll try.

Compliment her.
Ok, but you better sound genuine.



Wow, are those real?







If you're not going to take this seriously we might as well forget it.



Great, now what do I say?

Pahilla the Hun posted:

"Did you hear the one about the blonde with the really tiny hands?"

That's a good one! Alternatively, how about :

"Did you hear about the gorilla with the foot fungus? It made my schlong look humongous!"

Not so much? Okay, I'll try your joke! Thanks, Pahilla!

Did you hear the one about the blonde with really tiny hands?
I'm stopping you right there. No blonde jokes. The ladies like originality, Brett.

Damn!



(Shrug.) Okay.

You shouldn't be offended. It's not like you're a real blonde.



Ow! She headbutted me with her huge Scottish forehead!



I get it.
OK, so you got her attention and she's interested. Now what do you do?




Another tie?! C'mon Internet, I don't know what to do and I really like this girl. Well, I've gotta be more decisive!

Ask her back to my place!





Or maybe...

Maxwell Adams posted:

In that last picture that you took with the camera on your blackberry, is she just mid-blink, or closing her eyes lustfully?

Mid-blink. Wow, I caught that with good timing!

I think you guys are right - she does seem rather inappropriately dressed and this "game" of hers is a bit suspicious...

I'll play along.

Sure you aren't.



Why won't she stop hitting me?

Oh well. So like Mom taught me, nothing to do in an awkward situation like smile and pretend it just didn't happen!



edit: Wait, I don't know if that was mid-blink or if she's closing her eyes lustfully. How do I tell?!

Ask her name.
Yes, some do consider that an important piece of information.

I love her sense of humor!

Maxwell Adams posted:

Of course. You don't need a name anyway, because to you, her identity will be nothing more than a classification of her breast size and willingness to screw.

Here come the morality police.

Use item! Wallet!
I don't think I'd be interested in that.

Oh, you meant the line!

So are you gonna tell me your name, or am I gonna have to steal your wallet?



I didn't expect her to say that! Eep!



Now you guys are speaking my language!

Yeah. Hand it over toots, and no one gets hurt.
You're really strange.

THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED!



Well, since I guess more people said to ultimately call bullshit, that's what I did!

Your name isn't Angela.
Brett, we're playing a game, remember?



There could be more behind this psuedonym than meets the eye... Alright, goons, I'll ask her.

Do you not like your name?



Aw, she looks so sad.



Gulp. Okay, but I have a bad feeling about this!

First impressions can be a bitch, is all.

Oh God, I don't want to get hit, I-



It was B's spontaneity that made me want her the most. You could have a conversation with her and just have no idea where you were going or what you were doing. Talking to her was like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded.

"I should say something manly," I thought. "Bold. Daring. Unlike my usual self."



But I choked. Typical Brett. Typical, stupid Brett. And like that, the moment was gone. Again.

OK, let's get back to your lesson.
Ask for a date.
Wait, don't you need my number first?

B really did want to help, it appeared.

Ask for her number.



My heart was racing faster than ever before! What to say, what to say?!



So can I call you sometime?
Oh, I'm very busy, it's hard to catch me. Why don't I call you, instead?

Deceased Crab posted:

Ask her if she knows where you can find some sailors.

Hey, whose side are you on? <>

OK! 555-B-R-E-T.



Okay, this seems like good advice. When it comes to phone numbers - er, scoring digits - no means yes, according to B. A bit counter-intuitive, but what do I know?

(Nothing, I guess.)

Maybe she'd let me try again.

Oh, I see. That's OK, don't worry about it.



OK, fine. Here, take my number.

Woohoo! I got her number! Go, me! Go, me! And then we shared another moment of silence.



I must say I'm impressed, Brett. The guilt trip thing is brilliant.



Hmmm?

I'm sorry, it's hard for me to talk about dating after what happened with Sean. I still can't believe that bastard cheated on me! And with that cow from Human Resources!

Oh yeah, sorry. Forgot to mention, B just broke up with her boyfriend for cheating on her.



What should I do to console her?



Maybe I've been a jerk this whole time. Maybe B's not ready for someone new in her life...

No, you shouldn't. All men are scum.
Even you?



Should I stay self-deprecating or throw her off with a curveball?

You know it took forever to get that number, guys.

Anyway, I put on my biggest hangdog expression.

No, of course not me. That's why I never get lucky.



And then she took my hand, which I hoped she didn't notice was trembling ever so softly. She opened my meaty clenched fist and placed something warm inside, closing my fist around it. I could feel the clamminess of my hands soaking it. It was soft and furry. I opened up my hand to look...



I remembered this treasure. It was from when we were growing up, wasn't it? Was it? Why was she giving this to me? Was it because she realized I was the one for her? That I was unlike all the other guys?

I decided to put my heart into how grateful I was for it.



At the last second I realized I was thinking nonsense and it was just a cheap keychain.

What's next?
Ask for a date.
All right. But I'll be basing my decision on time, place, and tone of delivery.

This was my big moment. I didn't want to fuck this up.



Wait! Where should I ask her to go?!

ZZT, I like the cut of your jib!

Wanna grab a cup of coffee after this?
An immediate date. Shows real interest... or, desperation. Why not. But just for a little while.



WHAT DOES SHE MEAN BY THIS?

You're at the end of the first date. How are you gonna score a first kiss?

Ohgodohgodohgod. Help!



Moment of truth, Brett. Here we go.

Just go for it!
Are you sure?



OH MAN. What do I do? Say yes or use an item?!

I'll try the rabbit's foot!

What's wrong, don't you like it?



DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!



Eh? What the hell does she mean by that?!

Anyway...

Just go for it!
Are you sure?
Yes!



Ah, phooey! This whole thing sucked! Why am I such an idiot?

Maybe if you tried a little harder to win me over...

Eh? What did she mean by that?

Well I'm impressed, Brett! You'll have the ladies swooning over you in no time.



Eh? B then proceeded to hand me...



I hope B wasn't trying to give me a clue there. And then, here's the really strange part, Internet. She gave me:



And that was it! I reached the top of the mountain! It was mine to lose or conquer! Hmmm... so many ladies await... visions of them danced through my mind.

So I made this Photoshop.



Which somehow got cut in half.

All right guys, more updates tomorrow. Thanks for reading so far and I hope the rest of this trip goes well! (Gulp!)

Coming soon: Meet my friends D and L!