Part 11: A Tale of Two Titties

Chapter 10 - A Tale of Two Titties

I was shaking hands with the devil; but my Satan was the black son of a clothing magnate. We both wanted the same thing: B. I was all confused. On the one hand, I had pined for B. On the other, money was cool. And being that I couldn't very well interview for a job without consulting other people for help, this might be the only chance I get for a job with an office and one of those five-balled pendulum things.

Setting B up with this guy went against everything I stood for... and pretty much everything I've previously written up until now.

But it was my mission... and it had to be done.

And strangely, even though Dickbag2 told us to meet him at the bar, we ended up getting a call to meet him at his loft.

The place was enormous. There were hors'de'eavourves' everywhere and models. B didn't seem particularly in love with the idea, but fortunately, she was wearing her lucky green top. Also, I thought it would be a smart idea to not mention anything about what I was planning.

It was time. Dickbag2 approached.



Good boy? Grrr... Think of the job, think of the job...

So I gave him an Amorous Action and tweaked his nipples.



Crap, how do I follow that up?



Sweet digs.
It's a place to hang my hat.
So about that job...



Grrr... I was really starting to dislike this guy. I walked over to B. Wow, I hadn't seen her since the club. She looked amazing.



How are you doing?
Fine, I guess.



Are you sure you're OK?



Sean? Oh, B's ex-boyfriend who cheated on her. This happened way early in the thread - it was mentioned like twice.



Want me to rough him up for you?
That won't be necessary.



What the hell was she thinking?! There was only one way to help her.



Well, maybe that wouldn't really help so much. I had to handle this correctly.



Wanna funky monkey?





I can also continue the conversation as if I'd never asked in the first place!

 Screencapped earlier .

It's a kind of fruit punch.
Oh. Sure.

I walked away, my mind a virtual salad of emotions. DB2 was there.



What do I tell this jerk off?



Maybe you should introduce yourself.



It's on.



How on was it?

Like syrup on pancakes.
Like gravy on biscuits.
Like whipped cream on hot apple pie.

I tried a Golden Line, specifically, "None of your beeswax-" but DB2 cut me off with a "Save it." Sigh.

Like gravy on biscuits!



I hated being his lapdog. I made my way back to B with our drinks and bit back my frustration.



I resisted any desire to say "Some asshole you want nothing to do with."



I wasn't talking to anyone.



Crap. I had to go with Angry Weatherman's idea, since it didn't seem like that one had much effect on her.

Oh, you mean DB2?



This is his place.
Oh?
You wanna meet him?



Should I come clean? She might get mad. Then again, if I try and trick her into it, she might get mad later... maybe there's a way I can have my cake and eat it, too. Or get my job and... ugh! There's no great metaphor for that!



Well, we certainly think a lot of ourselves, don't we?



Eh? No, I didn't! What the hell? It's almost like I got magically moved into a conversation where I said entirely different things! Like if this were a video game with dialogue trees, they sort of just ran out of stuff and moved me to an entirely different node!

 I even replayed this scene with the same options to make sure I didn't fuck something up. 

(Sigh.) I guess she's right and I said that and somehow forgot it, so I went with... Uh... What do I say here?



I wouldn't say 'like' so much as 'madly in lust'.



Uh oh...



That's cuz it is. Please God say yes.

At this point, I resorted to speaking nonsense in hopes of confusing her.



I guess it worked.



Because you love me.



If I didn't want to fess up entirely, now was my only shot. Then again...




Up until now, it didn't seem like I had to care about what people thought of me, because on vacation and in their state of possible inebriation, it didn't really matter.

This was the first time, however, that my plan of action my have some consequence - it might only determine the difficulty of the next stage - if you will - of my vacation. But either way, I had a decision to make. If I wanted that job, I'd have to get B and DB2 together in any fashion whatsoever.

Getting B to agree on a date with DB2 on any terms would probably be the best solution... or so I thought. But it might also be possible to invite her somewhere and oops! Guess who showed up!

Then again, DB2 might think the same, if I tell him they've got a date set up and I were to arrive without him knowing it wasn't really a date.

Decisions, decisions. I had the feeling though, that after that, it may not even matter... and that it was still possible to pull ultimate victory out of things no matter what happened.

At least I hoped.

ZombiePope posted:

Screw DB2! B belongs to you! True love conquers all, etc. etc. Take B for yourself you fag!

But I really want that job! As of this morning!

I really think you'll like him.



Now the hard part. I'd have to talk up DB2 and convince her to date him.

First I could say something about what they have in common...



And then something great about DB2...



And then something else great about him...



Maybe if I could pick the right things to say about their commonality, DB2's greatness, and DB2's further greatness, I could convince her!

Roar posted:

First option on all counts.

2, 3 then 1. What the hell was I thinking?

Roar, you are a ladies man! I totally expected her to say she'd rather get a bikini wax and pull out her toenails! Wow, and the first suggestion, too!

OK. I'll go out with him.



Not A! She was such a B-I-T-C-H! (Bitch.)

Even worse, even though I couldn't stand her at times, I'd gotten her phone number in the club yesterday by trying to set her up with L!

I anticipate a sticky situation in my near future!



edit: I bet if we had gotten that wrong, we'd have to trick B into thinking she, A, and I were just going out, which would mean I'd have to give up my sunglasses in order to convince her to stay. This will make things somewhat easier!

Why do you hate me?



I guess I have no choice.
Wise decision. Where are we meeting?
The Tap Room. 8:00 PM.



Great. A was a waitress at the Tap Room - which I guess I  or the game  should have mentioned, so this was going to be fun.

I spent the rest of the party boozing, but met A and B at the Tap Room. DB2 wasn't here yet.



I'd have to keep A happy as not to make a scene and B happy so the date with DB2 would go well, and DB2 happy so that I could keep the job.

This was gonna be tricky.



Oh! I forgot to mention! At the party, B and I talked about her ex, Sean, some more and I gave her the sage advice:

"Look, you sit under a cow's ass, you get crapped on."

That was a Golden Line to be sure! So anyway...

Alright, fine. I'll talk to A, whatever.

...

Uh... what's a good thing to say?



I really like your tat! (That's what they call them, right?)



Uhhhhh... needles and me don't agree.



I had a bitchin' Smurfs tattoo, but that washed right off. Real tattoos are for the unwashed.



And I had so many options of what to say next!



Time to just stare intently at my date.

........



So.... .... ....what's good here?



This is not going as planned.



So what's better? The steak-tasting slop? The turkey-tasting slop? The chicken-tasting slop? The fish-tasting slop?



I can't stands no more!



Er... I mean...



ABOUT AS CLEVER AS YOU ARE A WHORE!



.........

Alright, then. So, I turned to B.



B, you look... ravishing.



Wait... what did that mean? Did she think I was insincere? Did I not pay enough attention to her?!

Yeah, pretty much!



Thank God, DB2 showed up right now. Oh fuck. I forgot to give him a heads-up!



Nice suit, DB2!



Shit. He wasn't catching on.

Double date, remember?



Oh fuck.

I had three people who probably weren't very happy. All I had to do to win this thing was make sure none of them would storm off in a huff or something.

Who the hell should I try to calm down first? DB2? B? A?



I'm sure she'll be here any minute.



Don't worry. DB2 and I have it covered.
How socially retroverted of you.

Oh, this was going great so far. I decided to talk to DB2.



MAKE MY JOB HARDER, PLEASE. Oh yeah, A and B were friends, but A lived here. I just found this out.



She's not so bad, is she?



Oh good Christ. I almost said something to the effect of "Totally, it's like if you chopped her head off, two more would grow back!" or "Yeah, but instead of singing you to death, she just bitches!" Then I remembered that was the Hydra and the Siren. Thank God for God of War.

Saying something like that would've just pissed DB2 off, so in the interest of making things go smoothly...



And then we awkwardly looked at each other.

........



Oh good God. I turned to B, next.

Maybe you should talk to DB2, B.





B-b-but! If he couldn't- why did- Gah! At least I snapped a silly picture of him.



B looked so disappointed by that. My only options were to talk to DB2 again or give up and go home. I had to make this work. I had to!

...But I couldn't. I had to rethink things. So I got us a round of drinks and "started over".

This time, I did pretty much the same things in a different order. I talked to B a little earlier.

Er... I imagine if I'd said "You look ravishing" a little earlier, she probably would've been all like "So where's DB2?" since he hadn't arrived yet. Then he'd arrive and it wouldn't make much of a difference. So after talking to A, B, and DB2 in pretty much the same way again...

This is going horrible, I'm gonna go.
Just stay! For me?
Dating isn't supposed to be this hard!
Yes it is!
...Maybe you're right. It's just that since Sean, I've been out of the loop for so long...
So you'll stay?



Whew. Almost lost the whole farm there! Unfortunately, at THIS point, DB2 wanted to bounce and I couldn't convince him otherwise. Now I had two unhappy, hungry women on my hands, and while that's normally not the worst of all worlds... dammit, I want a job!

So I convinced everyone to meet an hour later.

Once again, A and B were sitting there, but DB2 was late.

The trick, it seemed, wasn't so much what I said, but the order in which I said them. I had to keep A & B occupied, then I had to keep the three occupied when DB2 arrived.

This time...

I talked to A, then B like before (paying earlier attention to B than the first time.) Then DB2 arrived and I talked to B first, which led her to ask him about his tongue... Again.

So I turned to DB2:

Man, I'm bombin' over here! You gotta help me out, Brett!



Compliment her.



Not bad, not bad. DB2 and B would be together in no time... I suddenly wasn't sure how I felt about that.



A said that to me in a hushed tone. What the hell?!

Chilly McFreeze posted:

Use the chewing gum! Chewing gum! It's your only hope!

That didn't work.

Cuntpunch posted:

Amorous Action.

Why, that bitch!



Boo-hoo! The megabeast doesn't want to date me!



Okay, who are you interested in?



What, I'm not dumb enough for her?



I could've beaten around the bush, but I risked prolonging this crap and getting a default sort of response.

How can I help?



Alright, so I gave her L's number.



And with that, she spread butter on her hand and jerked me off under the table.



Things were looking up! So I made a Photoshop later that night.



But wait a minute... B! Oh my God, what was I thinking! I set her up with some other guy! At least I had a job...

My only shot now was to undo what I'd spent the past 10 or so pages doing and convince DB2 not to go out with B. Oh for God's sake, I was such a fucking moron.

edit:  Yeah, after all that, the game renders the past two stages moot by having the stage after next be about getting Becky and Elliot un-together.