Part 6: MISSION 5: Bio-terrorism And You

MISSION 5: Bio-terrorism And You

Are you ready for some plot advancement? Too bad!



Uncle Joe wants me to stop aliens from stealing our precious exploitable resources for purely noble communist reasons. I wasn't expecting a Beatles reference, but I guess you gotta call your oil fields something.

Also, from this point on I will only respond to posts that address me as Orthodox Shaman Commander Zombie Samurai.



Really, how much sense does this make? If the Martians are fire-breathing tank-exploding conquerors, not even Russians are going to stand in bread lines near their goofy-ass UFOs.



Right, right, save our nation's res-Hey, is that a new kind of tank?



Hell yes it is! Let's all give a warm welcome to the T-34! There's no guarantee that it won't suck mountain oysters, but at least it's not more useless infantry.

And yes, I see Anthrax down there. Believe me, we'll get to that.



I decide to get the lay of the land before doing anything, and zero in on one of the pilfering UFOs. It's animated decently, I should note, with cartoony slurps through its tube that cause the whole craft to jiggle. Really, I'm just happy to see something that's not another COMPLETELY blatant ripoff.



I also spot this sign in the road near my troops. I would ask what it says, but judging from the last translation we got back on page 1, it's going to be something banal.



What is best in life? To crush your dessert toppings, to see them splattered flat before you, and to hear the lamentations of their shitty comrades.

The T-34 is so far just as effective as other tanks against sprinkles, being almost as fast as the T-70, but turning and accelerating slower. The dumb rainbow bastards still can't hit them.



NEW ENEMY ALERT: PREPARE FOR DISAPPOINTMENT

I couldn't get a decent picture of these guys in time, but they're hopping mushrooms. The same mushrooms, in fact, as the lead singer from Intermission 1 and the first crappy Photoshop in the OP. Why couldn't I get a decent picture?



Because they fucking EXPLODE. They're suicide units, and not even particularly threatening ones. They hop pretty slowly, and their blast does about as much damage as a triple-fuckface's single magic bullshit blast. I'm still bitter about those ruinous cockholsters, in case you were wondering.



Rolling up to the nearby hill, we get a nice view all the way down to the saucer sucker siphoning Soviet substances. To reiterate an earlier point, all that shadowed area is under fog of war, meaning a sixty-foot dildo monster could be standing between me and the saucer and I would not see it from here. In fact, it could be standing at the foot of the hill I'm on and I would have no idea, thanks to the retarded way line-of-sight works in this game.



Case in point, sprinkles and Mushbombs charge up from the oppressive darkness at the foot of the hill as I inch forward.



Along with these lanky little fuckers! Look familiar? If you said no then you're a filthy capitalist shill, because these are the green-skinned dome-headed spacesuit-clad generic Martians from every unimaginative account of Martians in the history of the world. Seriously, these things are probably on Egyptian tomb walls, illuminated manuscripts, and the goddamned Bayeux Tapestry, they're so ubiquitous.



You can see a few more at the top of the screen, along with a tiny red dot that apparently indicates that they are shooting. Tank wiggling is still effective in that my tanks take no damage as they whittle the beansprout men down, but they do take longer to waste.



A few inconsequential Elephantiles round out the alien forces. I ignore them completely and focus on the beanpoles.



Little green men should know their place: Spread-eagled under my tank treads.



With the aliens' pitiful defenses obliterated, I lay into the UFO. It's weak point is apparently...the tiny hose is hoovers up crude with? Sure.



Okay, check this out. When the UFO dies or breaks or whatever, there is NO animation that takes it from functional to this. Instead, the original oil-sucking model FALLS OUT OF THE WORLD, leaving this new static model behind. It is, hands-down, the lamest thing I've seen in this game yet.

It's a bit hard to see, but you can check it out in this video. Happens right at 2:13.



Anyway, with UFO #1 laid low (literally), I'll roll my tanks down this grassy path and across the valley to the next objective.



...Just kidding! See, the jerkfuck that designed this map filled in most of the areas between roads with obstacles juuuuuuuust steep enough to keep your units out, or in some cases, invisible walls. Did he use any special terrain to denote this? Of course not!



So I take the long way towards the opposite corner of the map, past this Tiberium field. I tried shooting one of the crystals, just for the hell of it. It disappeared. Whee.

Also, can you see those sets of three yellow-and-black marks under the enemy lifebars? I have yet to figure out what they mean.



As I mow down the candied commandos, a pair of Cacodumbasses shambles down the hill. We need to spice this encounter up a bit, thinks I.



This calls for Anthrax. Clicking on it changes my cursor to a crosshair. Prepared for disappointment, I nevertheless harbor a hint of childish wonder.



SPLORT. Anthrax creates a noxious green cloud of poison where you click, doing damage at a few sparse intervals. It does quite a bit of damage, though...two ticks killed the regrettably familiar demonball. They normally take between 3-5 tank shells.

Did...did we just find a special power worth using? After five fucking missions?



We roll on into a field of blue...toothpaste or something. I did lose one of my precious new tanks to incendiary optics, but so far these things have been remarkably resilient.



More diminutive green men accost my tanks, and here you can see their occasionally explosive attack. I say occasionally because, like the triple-eyed toerags, their particle effects rarely get displayed. That's okay in this case, because it turns out they do pretty piddly damage. Thanks for mis-balancing your game in my favor again, guys!



...I was really hoping to go one mission, just ONE mission, without these three-balled dickholes.



I take down most of them, but my remaining tanks pay the ultimate price. I vow to violate these bastardlings like the copyright that spawned them.



My immense wealth (of the people!) gets me another brace of tanks, which make such short work of the green pricks I didn't even cap it.



So enjoy me dismantling another UFO instead. That brown explosion near the pipe is what this new tank's main gun normally produces. It's pretty impressive, especially when you vaporize something tiny and annoying in it.



I notice this unique and jaunty UFO as I plan my assault on the third Vacu-Suk. Something tells me there's another mission objective in my future.



Remember that blue toothpaste field? This is what happens when you blow up a scowly tree. Purple poop everywhere. And, near as I can tell, it's not even useful poop!



Almost all of the enemy forces on this map are concentrated right around the UFOs. That means I can get around easily and unmolested, and pick my battles, like this sprinkle-stomp here.



More greenjeans, of course. Pew pew pew! Your little guns suck!



They suck so much that I get tired of juking my tanks around, and let them shell the stuffing out of these dips.



More eyeball artillery shows up to bug the FUCK out of the particle effects. I seriously don't know what happened here.



Gasp! Another Ripodemon was cleverly hiding in the tiny patch of fog of war on the far side of this slight elevation change! What a cunning strategic challenge you FUCKING HACKS.



Three UFOs down, one to go. I read this game like a book. Not something I ever aspired to do, really.



Oh, good...a bridge. And yes, you have to take it, thanks to the idiotic elevation and pathing rules. You're getting ambushed, and FUCK YOU, that's why.



I was lucky enough to get these Terror Toadstools revealed to me before crossing. My tankers gleefully filled them full of shrapnel.



At last, a decent shot of them. In mid-hop, even!



Exercising some common sense for once, I decide to send only one tank across as bait. Had I possessed additional common sense at the time, I would've pulled up some useless infantry to be un-useless for once.



An ambush?! Who saw that coming? Everyone put your hands down, you're embarrassing me!



This seems like the perfect time for an Anthrax cloud, and for once, I'm right.



...Well, mostly right. I have no idea what's going on with my levitating tank there, either. I don't think that was part of my Orthodox Shaman package.



Here's a nice horde shot of THE DEATH OF CREATIVITY ITSELF.



That everybody? Not even some oooOOOooohs hiding right where they could fuck me best? You're getting soft, game.



The main UFO sits there obediently while I pound on it for a good thirty seconds, and they obliges me by dying.



MISSION COMPLETE (Stop fucking up my victory screenshot, you petty fuck!)

Mission 5 ended up being one of the easiest missions thus far, thanks to the combination of awesome, sturdy new tanks and almost no tri-gazing cockups. If you were keeping score, I started with four T-34s, lost one to a meatball, the other three to oooOOOooohs, bought five more, and lost one to the bridge of Gofuckyourself. If I had a better way of dealing with three-shiteyes, it might be possible to do this one with no casualties.

But who cares?



NEXT TIME ON STALIN VS. MARTIANS:



Creativity dies forever.