Part 8: MISSION 7: Death Is Its Own Reward
MISSION 7: Death Is Its Own RewardOh, you guys. If you can count on one thing in this game, it's that it WILL fuck you over every chance it gets.
Hmmm...bug artillery?
In a game about sending your little army dudes into a pointless meat grinder, you could do a lot worse than ripping off Starship Troopers. There's plenty to be worried about in this mission, between the infantry emphasis and the living slime, so let's see just how much the game hates me tonight.
Don't try this at home. Those 'shrooms pop from further away than this, and one-shot infantry. How do I know this?
Right, bug artillery. Three targets on the minimap, and we've got a few columns of Spetsnaz to work with. So, um, where are the, y'know...
I KNEW IT I KNEW IT FUCKING FUCK I KNEW IT Kiss all of our beautiful, historically-inaccurate tanks goodbye, folks. When Stalin says embrace infantry tactics, you clutch to them like a baby to momma's tit. In particular, I love, love, LOVE that this comes IMMEDIATELY after the mission where you get the last super tank to play with. Who would be upset about a tankless mission after that? Bourgeois swine, that's who.
Fucking anyway.
And of course the first thing we do with our little ground-pounders is cross a goddamned bridge and get mobbed by sprinkles. Now remember, infantry does not fire while moving, I guess because the additional stress would make the magazines fall out of their rifles or something. And without a functional move-attack command, if we don't stop our troops manually, they'll dutifully march on as crazed candies chew communist calves clean.
But enough about the proles. What's that on the ridge?
There's our bug artillery, in all its cheap plastic Happy Meal toy glory. "But Orthodox Shaman Commander Zombie Samurai," you stammer, "surely these majestic and imposing beasts rained death down upon the noble souls fighting for the MOTHERLAND below!"
Nope. Because they have the same stupid-ass attack as they triple-eyed shitsuckers and acid-drop frogs. And apparently the same AI as the Dumbolings, because in this ENTIRE MISSION these doofy fucks only fired on my troops once. They also go down INCREDIBLY fast to small-arms fire, probably a concession to the infantry limitation of the mission.
Anyway, now that everything on the hill is dead, let's climb to the top an
HO-LEE SHIT
Um, no, see, we're tourists! I have no idea what happened to your bullet-ridden buddies on the hill! Rifle? No, no, this is a...
Would it help if I laid off the name-calling?
FUCK
Okay...let's not go that way next time.
On attempt #2, I stick to the road, and instead of a wall of murderous student modelling projects, I run across a single three-balled dickless wonder. Much better.
...Until these jerkfucks show up. I've mentioned it before, but sprinkles plus oooOOOooohs are the worst combination, because you have to stand still to hit the green dude, but that gives the sprinkles plenty of time to give you a technicolor thumping. And infantry has to stop to lob grenades at big aliens, with all the alacrity and vigor of a senior citizen. My grandmother could throw a grenade faster than these dinks, and she's dead.
I bet you were wondering what our mysterious benefactors the KGB did, hmmm? Well, they put this special red glowy effect on enemies, and for once, I can tell what it does. Anything marked in this way takes a LOT more damage...I'm estimating double. It's a potentially useful power, but of course it has fuck all to do with the KGB. Couldn't even be arsed to add in little sabotage dudes or something?
The alien gangbang in town reduced my forces to a single unit, so I purchase another murder of Spetsnaz. I doubt that's the official term for multiple Spetsnaz, but dammit, it should be.
The last bug emplacement is on the ridge behind town. What horrors await us up here?
More of the same, of course. Dippin Dots and gaseous rubber shrooms bar our path. After watching the shrooms obliterate my forces with only two blasts in attempt #1, I'm not letting these bouncing dongs anywhere near my boys.
Here's an interesting tidbit for you. My troops are attacking the bugs at this range. I am 90% sure that gives them the longest attack range of any Soviet unit thus far.
Longer than artillery.
Ding dong, the bugs are dead, and now I have to...liberate the city? Didn't I just
Wait, what's that new green blob on the map?
I have an erection.
Tanks! Hulking, turgid tanks! And a whole mess of them, too! Never mind that they're being humped by dessert topings, WE HAVE TANKS! Liberating that city should be a cinch!
But...I thought the city was already clear?
NOT ANYMORE
Good job beating the odds, brave infantry units, but the Gods of Stupid have decided you must die for this mission to continue.
Your sacrifice will not be in vain. As long as you pick up those StalinBux before you die, anyway.
Farewell, little infantry. You were unceremoniously forced upon me, and will not be missed in the slightest.
Dear Terrible Uncreative Developers of this Shitpile Game,
I'm sorry I accused you of ripping off the Cacodemon from id Software's groundbreaking title Doom. In light of this close-up screenshot of your creation, I now see the difference between your horned meaty red spherical monster with a giant mouth that launches explosive projectiles from it and their horned meaty red spherical monster with a giant mouth that launches explosive projectiles from it. Clearly, your unique version has tiny, spindly arms and legs that are essentially imperceptible during the normal course of gameplay. I feel terrible about my presumption, and beg your magnanimous forgiveness you FUCKING HACKS.
But hey! Fuck all things, 'cause we got TANKS.
The game is well aware of this already, and has lined up plenty of litigious tributes to spoil our fun.
To that, I say BOOM, tank shell to the face/eyeball/trunk/other eyeball/maw/other other eyeball. Seriously dudes, get the fuck outta my way.
A single My Little Toady was included in the wall o' resistance. I had a little trouble locating the spastic thing, and lost a beautiful, beautiful tank in the process. :single tear:
The force that once stopped my infantry cold has been ground beneath my cold, unfeeling tank treads. Well, that's a lie. They're actually full of hate and disdain.
The town is now infested with Cacoripoffs. My T-35s make laughably short work of them. I rolled up the rest of my tanks, too. I can't imagine the game would just hand me nearly two dozen tanks and not require me to use them all.
...Never mind.
But wait! Despite having no active objective (I clicked the "Objectives" button and nothing happened), a flood of sprinkles appears out of nowhere! Whatever will my vast array of armored heavy weapons platforms do?
Kill the fuck out of them and their beefy, unoriginal friends.
MISSION COMPLETE
This wasn't anywhere near as bad as I expected. The infantry thing was essentially a fakeout...only half the mission forced the little bastards on you, and then it murders them and gives you a pile of tanks to mop up with. You're given nearly everything you need to win right from the gates.
In fact, it seems like there's only one way to really lose this mission, and it's precisely how I lost it the first time. If you are foolish enough to stray even a tiny bit past that first hill, you are fucked, because the wall of Martians waiting for your tanks will murder your infantry with ease. There is no indication that this could happen, and absolutely no way to stop it if it does. Should you dare to explore the map, you lose. Period.
It's a shame, because this is, in all honesty, kind of a cool mission in retrospect. It just has that one glaring problem of annihilating you if you do one simple thing that the game doesn't want you to and never tells you not to. If the human excrement constructs that crafted this abomination are reading, make a note: THIS IS BAD GAME DESIGN
In any event, it's over. And hey, the briefing was actually right for once! Too bad it was lying about the slime thing, though. That sounded neat.
NEXT TIME ON STALIN VS. MARTIANS:
