Part 157: Okabe Rintarou fails in his mission
Rukako is next to me. She's a little anxious, but she doesn't raise a single complaint as we're about to leave for ComiMa. We're in a long line. I see the direct shuttle bus to Ariake parked at the end of my field of vision.
It's not a good idea to keep going to ComiMa like this. I bear my headache, and take Rukako by the hand.
"Um...?""Come with me!"
Once we leave the line, I let go of Rukako's hand and starts walking.
"O-Okabe? The bus is coming, but...""I'm cancelling going to ComiMa."
"Eh...?""Let... Let me do what I want!"
"..."
"Okabe...?"I keep walking with Rukako's hand in mine, ignoring everything else. Rukako looked bewildered at first, but eventually she said no more, and just started following me with a sad face.
Hardly anyone is visiting. An aura of peace and dignity dominates. A place where the cries of cicadas resound. Rukako's home.
There, I finally turn around to Rukako, but I don't let go of her hand. I grasp that warm hand tighter than before. Perhaps it's the heat, or perhaps it's nervousness, but Rukako's hand, and my hand, are damp with heat, but I still don't let go.
Rukako is hanging her head. She seems like she's going to cry.
"So... this means... our relationship... is over, doesn't it..."Her lips, and her voice, tremble. I resolve myself and let out a small nasal sound.
"Hmm. What are you misunderstanding?"
"Eh?""Our relationship is not over yet."
I try to talk pompously. I'll use this style until I have to face Mayuri's death. It's a little hard to do it on purpose now.
"Bu-But...""I said it before, didn't I? To leave me do as I please. Now, my disciple!"
The wind blows. The leaves rustle on the tree hanging over the main building. Rukako looks at me blankly. Her eyes are closed as ever, and tears start gathering at the corners.
"Wh... what...?""What, you say? Isn't it obvious? Seishin Zanma style training!"
"Training...""Have you forgotten the training you and I have done for nearly two months now?"
"N-No... But, um, Okabe--""Kyouma."
"...Eh?""Have you forgotten my true name, Rukako? I am the insane mad scientist, Hououin Kyouma!"
It's a little embarrassing, but I call myself that.
"Since I had caused confusion on whether you were a guy or a girl, I was unable to truly grasp the distance between us, Rukako. But our relationship has been predetermined from the start. I finally realized that fact."
"Predetermined... what has...?""I am a man. You are a woman. Our temporary relationship as lovers..."
I take a deep breath. I gently comb my fingers through Rukako's hair. I twist my lips into a grin.
"That matters not."
"Ah...""I am I. Rukako is Rukako. Rukako is my disciple."
The tears that had collected in the corners of her eyes suddenly spill.
"I... I see. Oka... I mean, Kyouma, certainly is my... Master...""Well said! Now, Rukako, bring out Samidare."
"Ah, okay... Um, please wait, okay? I'll bring it right away. Stay here, okay?""I won't go anywhere. So, hurry!"
Rukako reluctantly lets go of my hand, shyly turns away from me, and heads to the shrine office.
It wasn't really that big a deal. Practie swinging the demon sword. Lectures on the legend of the demon sword. Ways to understand the Seishin Zanma style. Everything was fabricated from my pretentious hipster bullshit delusions. I just kept holding a one-sided conversation. Rukako, who had changed into miko garb, listened seriously. Occcasionally, we'd take a break and sit on the shrine's stairway, eating the sweet rice balls Rukako's mother brought us.
And that's how we spent our extraordinary four hours.
Rukako answers my words with warm eyes. She slowly sheathes her imitation sword - no, the demon sword Samidare. Her sword-handing figure in miko garb is beautiful and elegant. I'm fascinated again.
Rukako bows to me.
"Thank you. I think I got a little stronger."No need for humility. Today, you mastered one of the Seishin Zanma style's secrets, Sanjuuni Shiki Sakuranbo. But don't get cocky, for you are still weak."
"Okay. I want Kyouma to teach me even more.The wind feels good after the sweat we worked up. We slowly feel a comfortable fatigue while drinking the barley tea Rukako's bother brought for us.
"Its been a while since I've heard Kyouma's speech.""For the past few days, my consciousness has been unstable due to terrible manual sealing arts, but I'm already completely revived. Do not worry."
"...Thank goodness. The usual Kyouma's back."Rukako answers happily. As if readying herself, she tightens her expression.
"Um...! Yesterday you asked me, right? About if I had any memories from when I was a guy.""Hmm? Ahh..."
Rukako breaks eye contact with me, suddenly unable to remain calm. Finally, the words uttered from her trembling lips are...
No surprise. I experienced it with Faris, and I expected that she'd remember.
"I remember, or actually... umm, how should I say it... it feels very... transient.""Transient..."
"I can't clearly remember it, but at the bottom of my sea of memories, well... in my head, umm..."Rukako starts pawing at the air above and to the right of her head.
"It feels like it's around here..."I don't really get it...
"Anyway, you remember?"
Rukako nods.
"I'm sorry, I lied yesterday..."
"So because of that, I knew... mother's pager number, without having to ask."Saying so, she takes out the memo pad. As expected, the pager number is written there.
"...Today, no matter how things turned out, I was going to give you this... And... one more thing."One more thing?
"I don't know if it's related to my memories, but...
"...?!"
Those words, I didn't expect.
"The IBN 5100?!"
"Yes... Probably, I think..."Rukako certainly does seem like she knows something about the IBN 5100. Ruka's dad confirmed that it was here at the shrine, and then one day, it suddenly disappeared. Does Rukako know its whereabouts...?
"If that's true, then Rukako, you... might not have to turn back into a guy..."
But Rukako faintly shakes her head left and right.
"That's... impossible, I think.""Eh... why..."
Rukako grips my hand.
"Please come with me. I'll... show you."Before the summer sun sets. Just before the sky turns to twilight. Underneath the fading sunlight. Eyes full of adamant intent look up at me.
Rukako, the crybaby, is no longer there.
"The IBN 5100... is here?"
"Ah, umm... not there..."Rukako points the opposite way from Daibiru...
"Last year, before New Years..."Rukako walks up to the coin locker while talking.
"Until that time, the computer was at our shrine."Last New Years... that's a contradiction. It was only two weeks ago when I found the IBN 5100 at Yanagibayashi Shrine. I haven't returned to the original world line after all.
"It’s my fault. I was helping with the rituals, sweeping the storehouse, when..."
"B-Broke...?"
Rukako nods.
"But I thought Father would get mad at me if he found out, so... I secretly brought it here... and hid it in the coin locker...""It must have been tough bringing it all the way here. That thing weighs a ton."
"I used a pushcart from home. It broke because of that, though..."Even so, it still must've been hard to push it here with just a pushcart. Or maybe that was a demonstration of the fight-or-flight adrenaline rush.
"When I heard Kyouma was searching for it, I was really surprised... I really thought I should've told the truth, but when I thought you'd hate me for it, I couldn't say anything..."
"Yes."Rukako takes out the locker key from her pocket.
"It's already been left for more than half a year, though... The management might have already taken it away...""Half a year, huh... Then it's hopeless, huh."
This locker charges 200 yen per 24 hours. Normally, if a coin locker goes unpaid for maybe three to five days, the management retrieves the contents. And if the client doesn't come and claim it in a month, it's usually thrown away. Meaning, the IBN 5100 should already be...
Rukako goes to the rightmost, slightly longer lockers, inserts the key, tries to undo the lock, and...
"That settles it."
Sure enough, when Rukako opens the locker door, the inside is empty.
"...I'm sorry."It doesn't matter either way. There's no point if the IBN 5100 is broken. But without telling her that...
"You don't have to feel responsible. It's because I went around warping the world. I'm the most at fault."
"Kyouma..."So I must shoulder everything. Mayuri's pain. Suzuha's pain. Faris's pain. And now... Rukako's pain.
And then I thought of something. What if...
Would the IBN 5100 be at Yanagibayashi Shrine as usual, ready for me to take it in August, just as planned? Part of me wants to try it out. If it succeeds, then Rukako can keep being a girl.
No, that's no good... Don't give into the temptation. You shouldn't warp the world line any more than this. Return it back to normal. That is my mission.
"Um... there's something strange about my memories.""Strange, you say?"
"Inside my memories, two memories about that old computer are mixed together... The first is the memory of breaking it. The other is where I don't know about it at all, and I didn't sweep the storehouse... The guy me didn't break the computer. Instead of sweeping the storehouse, he swept the main shrine..."Since she became a girl, Rukako swept the storehouse. As a result, she broke the IBN 5100, and deposited it into this coin locker. Then, it reached its time limit, and got disposed by the management... Therefore, the IBN 5100 won't ever reach me. This, too, is the Butterfly Effect, huh...
"So it looks like there's no other way besides turning me back into a guy..."When Rukako mutters that, I see something loosen in her face. "No other way." Since she said it so clearly, maybe she's prepared.
Rukako's hand lets go of mine after we had held them all the way back. Then, she turns to me.
"This really is farewell, huh...""Yeah."
"I'm really happy... that I could train with Kyouma."She looks shy again, but her cheeks are dyed pink. I could tell she was desperately holding her tears back. The meaning of those tears are different than the ones before I time leaped. That's what I'd like to think.
"I... didn't really do anything lover-like for you, did I?"
"That doesn't matter to me.""Ahh. I see."
Because Rukako smiles, I'm sincerely relieved.
"...Please save Mayuri. Because Mayuri is... a really important friend to me.""Rukako..."
"So, please... Thank you, for everything until today..." "Ah, in times like these, I use the usual password, right... Um, El Psy Congaly...""It's Congroo."
I wryly smile unintentionally. Rukako also forces a laugh.
"El Psy Congroo, then."She bows deeply. She doesn't raise her head. A sign for me to please go already.
I turn my back to the torii at the entrance to the shrine. My feet are heavy. They won't advance. I stop in front of the stairs, and I take out my phone.
"Cristina... please enter the number I'm about to say into the Microwave Ophone (Temp)."
"What? Explain yourself.""Please, just do it... I'm sending the D-mail now."
I hear a sigh on the other end of the phone.
"The number is..."
I tell her Rukako's mother's pager number, and one more thing:
'MeatMeatVegVegMeatMeatVegVeg'...
If she sees this, Rukako's mother would probably think it's a prank. And then, she'd think the D-mail we sent earlier is also a prank. And if that still doesn't change the world line, we can just try saying something else. The pagers in 1992 didn't have a number display function, so the sender's phone number isn't shown. So Rukako's mother won't know who sent it.
I already told Kurisu the timer setting. Everything's set now. Once I get the confirmation that the 42" Braun Tube TV is on, I hang up. Now I just need to call the Microwave Ophone (Temp), and the world line will change...
His memories will disappear. Mayuri won't die today.
But... I'm hesitating to open my address book. I think about Rukako's who's probably still watching me from behind. I wonder what sort of face she's making. I want to check, but I don't think she'd let me turn back. Rukako finally smiled for me today, but reservations still linger inside of me. This time, I'm about to sacrifice Rukako's memories. The memories of the 17 years she lived as a girl in this world line. The memories of her parents, who rejoiced in the fact that she was born a girl.
I'm about to undo all of that. If I don't, I would deny the 17 years Rukako lived as a guy. I would deny the memories of her parents, who rejoiced in the fact that he was born a guy.
But still... Is it okay to turn Rukako back into a guy?
Confused at what I should do, I can't move forward. The two memories I've sacrificed so far...
I... feel a soft impact on my back.
Rukako is embracing me from behind.
What expression is she making now? I know, even without looking.
"I... really don't... want to change back..."I feel the pain of thin needles stabbing at my chest.
"Because... Because... If I change back into a guy... I'd have to seal my feelings for Okabe... I don't think I should love Okabe if I'm a guy..."I'm not against homosexual love. But, unfortunately, I am heterosexual. I wouldn't be able to answer guy Rukako's feelings.
"And... my memories of today... will vanish too, won't they...? That we held hands and walked together... That we trained together after such a long time... That I touched Okabe's body, like I am now... I don't want to... I don't want to forget..."
"I do want to save Mayuri too, and I understand that there's no other way, but... It's still... painful... At the very least, I want... to keep my memories of today... If I knew it would end up this painful... Then I never would have wished to become a girl...""Rukako..."
"Sniff... I'm sorry. I know you don't think that matters... sniff...""Even if you turn back into a guy... Rukako will still be Rukako to me. That won't change."
"Yes... You saying that, makes me happy... Okabe... please send that mail... Please. Send it, quickly... If I get to feel your warmth any longer... I... I might say even worse things... I can't... hold back my feelings anymore, so...""But..."
"Okabe... please..."I'm about to sacrifice someone again. Is it okay for me to decide this on my own? The fingers holding my phone are shaking... And those fingers are wrapped up in Rukako's warm hand.
(Critical choice time! You know the drill by now.)
"...Yeah."
Now, if I just call the Microwave Ophone (Temp), I can send a message to Ruka's mother's pager before she's born.
"Will you remember... the time I was a girl?""...Yeah."
If I make the call...
"Will you remember... these four days when we were lovers?""...Yeah."
(And we're off the main course of history once more.)
"Okabe...? Why...?""I can't do it anymore... I can't sacrifice anybody else's memories..."
I pretended to not notice their suffering, all the while telling myself...
"It's all for the sake of saving Mayuri."
"I alone will remember their memories."
That was my justification, but it was just a convenient excuse.
"I don't have... any right to do that."
I genuflect on the spot, brokenhearted. Nothing can save Mayuri but sending D-mails. Currently, there are no alternative methods.
But...
I can't do such an arrogant thing. More than anything, I don't want to lose the Rukako standing here before me.
"Okabe..."...Mayuri can't... be saved.
Mayuri's death is... fate.
No matter how many world lines I cross, the resulting world will converge, according to the Attractor Field theory.
I'm already tired.
Mayuri.
I wasn't enough of an egotistic human being to sacrifice everything for your survival's sake...