Part 193: Okabe Rintarou stops running away

The clothes that got soaked when I was caught in an evening shower on Radio Kaikan's rooftop are already completely dry. My body temperature already cooled down, yet I lack the strength to take a shower.

I sluggishly stand up, and pick up the headgear attached to the Time Leap Machine. I look at it while feeling miserable. My heart is filled with resignation. That feeling isn’t a recent development. Ever since Kurisu clearly pointed it out to me, I've already given up. I pretended not to see it, taking great effort to keep Time Leaping. That was my excuse. Or merely a farce. Eventually, what I was doing was...





I turn around in surprise to see Kurisu standing at the entrance to the development room. Even though she said she never wanted to see me again.

Why is she here...

"Why..."

Without answering me, Kurisu glares at me like usual.



I know that even without you pointing it out. I've already known that... eventually, what I was doing was running away because I didn't want to decide. To avoid responsibility.

If this is the choice I was going to make, then I should have refused the memories Suzuha entrusted to me.

"Up until now... I, for the just cause of saving Mayuri... have wounded countless people. And yet, I'm gradually losing the sense of guilt for it... I'm losing my righteousness as a human being."

"If that's the case, why are you running away now?"

"...Because the insurance of the Time Leap Machine isn't effective, maybe. Maybe I haven't mastered this machine... but have only been wielding it..."

"Running away is just going to hurt you."

Kurisu suddenly casts down her eyes. Listlessly leaning against the wall, she gives a smile of self-derision.

"Since it's like that for me..."



"I can't look at you now, Okabe. Have you looked in a mirror? You look like you're rapidly aging. Aren't you wearing your heart down? If you're going to worry that much, then you should just honestly do what I tell you."
"Like I said before, you mustn't stay here. Go to the β World Line. To the world where Mayuri doesn't die. Not just for your sake, but for mine, too."

Right, there's no longer any other way. Not by D-mail, nor by Time Leaping. I can't choose a convenient world where both Kurisu and Mayuri live. There might still be ways I haven't tried, but those will all most likely end in vain. As long as I stay in this world line, no matter what I do, Mayuri will die.

And then if I go to the β World Line, no matter what I do, Kurisu will die. Never again could we talk like this. Never again could we have a one-on-one consultation.

Even though it was a short 20 days, my memories with Kurisu keep running around my mind like a revolving lantern.















These 20 days. We fought many times. We exchanged many hurtful words. We also discussed what we should do with the Time Leap Machine. Whenever I was driven into a corner, not knowing how to save Mayuri, the one I turned to for help... was Kurisu. She silently listened to my story. She believed my story. When she was in tears over the problem with her father, I also gave her advice. We promised to go together all the way to Aomori.



The Time Leap Machine would never have been completed without Kurisu. She spent sleepless nights upgrading the Microwave Ophone (Temp).



True to herself through and through. Before I knew it, Kurisu became the leader of the lab. And then, I was always...



I was always chasing her movements with my eyes.

I was always carving her words into my heart.

I was always mesmerized when she recited her theories.

The reason why I never flat-out called her name correctly, at the end of the day, was because I was too embarrassed. I yearned for her. I didn't want to realize that yearning.



I noticed just now. That was the reason I so stubbornly wanted to save her. We weren't mere comrades. To me, Kurisu was more than that.

And even so... I didn't have it in me to tell her about what I had no choice but to do.

About how I had no better choices left.

About how everything was just as she had said.

"I..."



"I'm sorry..."

I desperately hold back my tears. I tightly bite my lip, and the taste of blood spreads throughout my mouth.

"Why does it have to be Kurisu, of all things... dammit..."

I pound my fist on the table. Silence. Sound disappears. Nothing moves. Outside the lounge window is darkness. Perhaps that's all that's left in this world...

"Hey, Okabe."



Kurisu's cheeks blush a bit as she turns away from me.

"So, Okabe, will you... remember me?"

Those words were whispered with a voice that could vanish at any time.

"I will remember you... absolutely. There's no way I could forget... about the woman most important to me...!"

"Eh... you, you mean... Wh-What stupidity are you saying..."

"The truth."

"Uh, that's, well... proof... I need proof. Without any, I can't form an equation..."

Kurisu is flustered for some reason.

"If there's ACTH hypersecretion, and stochastic resonance occurs from gamma waves, we can assume that the Hilbert curve's Hausdorff dimension is ∞, that is, the asymptotic line can be measured with positron emission tomography...?"

"Kurisu--"

I call out to her, and our eyes meet.



Kurisu finally hangs her head with her face flushed red.

"And you...?"

"Eh?! Wh-What?!"

"Do you, uh, what do you think of me?"

"Y-You want to know?"

And, with her face still red, Kurisu suddenly raises her head with a stiff expression. Walking into the development room, she draws near. She grabs me by the collar. She jerks me towards her.



I don't know if I made her mad. Perhaps Kurisu hates me for some reason. Maybe she really did mean all those hurtful things she usually says to me. That would be really sad...

I slowly lick my trembling lips, and timidly start to ask a question.

"Why close my--"

"Just shut up and close them!"

When she yells at me, I close my eyes, even though I don't get why. Kurisu is still grabbing me by the collar.

Abruptly, I feel a soft sensation push against my lips. It faintly smells like lemons, or some other member of the citrus family. When I open my eyes from surprise--



I immediately understand the situation.

I was kissed. Kurisu's lips were very warm. The inside of my head goes blank. I can't think about anything. I think I want to stay like this forever, but our lips are soon separated.



"Wh-Wha..."

"It-It's not like I did it... because I wanted to... Just... You promised me earlier, didn't you... That you wouldn't forget about me... It's hard to forget events stored in the short term memory of the hippocampus when combined with strong emotions. Th-That, and Okabe is a pervert virgin, so I think you'll probably do an elaborative rehearsal about your first kiss, instantly making it a long-term memory you'll never forget... and... No matter what, I just don't want you to forget about me, Okabe..."

I flood over with love for Kurisu making frantic excuses. I feel relieved when I notice Kurisu isn't mad, but just trying to hide her embarrassment. I want to be with her more. I want to talk with her more. I want to know more about Kurisu.

But that wish is unfulfillable. My chest tightens with pain, and I feel like I'm suffocating. To pin down my overflowing emotions, I place my own hands on top of Kurisu's which are still grabbing my collar.

"S-Sorry to disappoint you."

"...eh?"

"That wasn't my first kiss."

"A-Aren't you cheeky. Even though you're a virgin."

"Shut up, virgin."

I'm pretty sure I remember playfully kissing with Mayuri in elementary school. Moreover, just a while ago, I forcibly kissed Moeka to silence her... But that happened in another world line, and now never happened, so I guess it doesn't count?

"...I see. So it wasn't your first kiss, then."

"Right. So that just now only left a weak impression. It might not become a long-term memory."

I lied. I've never had such an intense surprise kiss like that. The shock was like a lightning bolt to the brain. Even so, I liked, because if I miss out now, I'll never again get in contact with Kurisu. At least, I only have now...

"So, once more."

"Wha..."

Kurisu fidgets at a loss for words. Even though she usually glares harshly at me, she hasn't looked me in the eye.

"I don't ever want to forget... so let's make doubly sure."

Deciding to take the initiative, I softly wrap my arm around Kurisu's back. I gently embrace her. I stick to that slender body of hers.

"Th-Then I guess there's no helping it..."

Kurisu gradually looks up at me with upturned eyes.

"Just a kiss... okay..."

Is she implying I'll do something else?

"Do it, uh, gently... okay..."

I softly brush through her hair. I approach her lips.

"Okabe..."



We look at each other. Kurisu's eyes are clouded with tears overflowing down her cheeks. I kiss those streaks of tears. Kinda salty.





Stronger than the first time. Longer than the first time. I don't want to separate from Kurisu. We hug each other tightly, with our feelings overflowing. Again and again. Again and again. We seek each other. While we hug, we feel each other's breath. We feel each other's scent. We feel each other's taste.



Kurisu's whispers reverberate. From her body to mine, though our embrace.

"...passed, just like that."
"Just now, I'd like to have a word with Einstein. Time is not absolute. Einstein scientifically proved that time could be long or short, depending on the person."
"Hey, Okabe. Isn't the Theory of Relativity so romantic, and yet, so sad..."

What does Kurisu think of me? She didn't tell me how she felt...





Standing in front of the station with a large suitcase, Kurisu waves her hand at me a little. After waving, she suddenly blushes, and goes back to her sour look.

After that kiss, Kurisu went back to her hotel, and stayed there until morning came and we met up again. Inside that suitcase is probably all the personal property she brought to Japan.

...She's going back to America. It doesn't look like she has a ticket, but she's going to the airport to be put on a waiting list.

"...well, then."

"Is it really okay to not call Mayuri and Daru?"

"...I think it would be hard on me if everyone came to see me off. Since it's only Okabe, I can leave Japan without any hesitation."

"..."

"...I'm joking."

Kurisu looks like she's about to cry. I'm probably the same, but I won't show any tears. I can't show any.

"Here's a souvenir. Take it."



A bamboo helicopter equipped with a CCD camera, it is able to take aerial photographs without using any power, and is thusly a ground-breaking invention. But sadly, it has the fault of producing unpleasant images, due to the fact that it's spun with staggering force.

"Do not want..."

"Just take it. I mean, it's not even that bulky."

I actually wanted to give her Future Gadget No. 7: Ghost in the Disguise Ball, but decided not to since it's probably too big to bring aboard a plane. Kurisu accepts the Bamboo Helicam with a wry smile.

"I guess I have no choice but to take it."

And then, silence. I can't say any words of farewell. We just look at each other.

"Looks like we couldn't go to Aomori together..."

"Yeah... But these two weeks were, in their own way, fun."



Kurisu spreads both arms. As if guided by those hands, I embrace the genius girl's body one last time.

"Hang in there, Okabe."

"...Stay well."

Kurisu faintly smiles, and walks towards the station carrying her suitcase. I see her off, without moving from that spot. I want to run up to her and stop her, saying "Don't go". I want to embrace her and tell her "Please stay beside me". But those are things I cannot do. This is what the both of us decided. To save Mayuri. To save the future.

I'm sorry, Kurisu. I can't save you. Kurisu will disappear. She will be left behind in this world line. Kurisu doesn't exist in the world I will reach.

"I... I will remember Makise Kurisu. Makise Kurisu's warmth. I... will never... forget...!"

I don't know whether or not Kurisu heard those words in the end. She kept walking without hesitation. Without stopping her feet. With her spine fully straight. With her silky long hair fluttering in the wind.

She's going far away from me, but I noticed.



We won't ever meet again. Our world lines will never cross.



I was saved because Kurisu was there.

Thank you, my beloved.

Farewell, my beloved.



I stand there without moving. For minutes. Dozens of minutes. I stare hard at the herd of commuters spewing out of the station. I keep holding back the tears that are about to flow...