Part 39: Update Thirty Eight: Castle Crashers: The Super Mario DLC

Last time on Super Mario RPG, we fought our way through Bowser's Keep, crushed some puzzles and action'd our way toward the finale. Today, we're taking back the King Koopa's Keep.



This is the door to the right of Magikoopa, the one we didn't take last time.



Now, I hate this fucking room. I mean I hate this room.



It's not the Twhomps that can floor your ass. It's when the Thwomps hit the ground, everything shakes and you stop moving. There's a ton of them in this room, too, so every little bit, you're being stopped and it fucks up jumps and I HATE!



There's also encounters flying through this room, too.



Oh, and Mega-Thwomp there, too. He's not so bad, just really big.





Big Bertha here has 350 HP, with monstrous Attack and 130 Defense. Every other stat of theirs, barring Speed, is an absolute zero. Speed clocks in at 1. They hit hard and drop Defense Up Flowers; other than that, they only have one interesting thing about them.



They drop pretty good experience. Other than that, fuck 'em.





Well, now, don't this look familiar.



Except for the Shy Guys holding up the chandeliers.





And the samurai warrior awaiting us at the top of the chandeliers. What the hell, game.



WHY DOES NOBODY RESPECT ME!?





Only for you, sir.





Boomer here is actually one tough cookie; 2000 HP, 200 Attack and 140 Defense, but the rest of his stats are mediocre, at best.



His Psychopath message, as Mallow is around to pick this one up. But is he thinking of me or himself?



Boomer's got a lot of attacks, and he seemed fairly content to use Skewer against me most of the fight. He also has access to Blizzard, Blast, and Storm, but never decided they were worthwhile.



I actually blocked that attack. Boomer hits like a Goddamn truck.



Most of my attacks were doing less than 150 damage to him. Now, his Magic Defense is total crap, at 26. I'm willing to bet I was just fucking up the timing something fierce, though, as SNES9x was chugging worse than usual.







Either way, magic seemed to be the way to go. I kept Bowser using physicals, since that's more his style.



I think the max for how many times you can bounce this star is sixteen, but I only hit seven here.



After you drop his health enough, Boomer does this.



In an inversion of a boss turning red at this juncture, he turns blue. At this juncture, his defenses switch around, and I didn't see anything else noteworthy. I'm guessing this is when he busts out the magic.





A sidenote about the chugging, at one point, it got so bad, I think the game was running at about 10% speed. I did probably two turns of combat that way, watching nearly every individual frame running; in the middle of an attack, before I did the Timed Hit, it went back to normal speed and I thought I had somehow accidentally hit my turbo button.



Either way, the fight is over. Now, it seems like I might have sold Boomer a little short here, but he's honestly not that interesting. He's not difficult. He has no interesting or unique attacks, really. He's just kind of...There.



And he has a full death speech.







Aww, shaddup, Boomer and just follow the script.







Oh, shit. I think we flared up his asthma.



Mario steps forward and tries to communicate with the defeated warrior.





: "I wondered if soldiers could love...If it bloomed on the battlefield..."





Boomer, no!





Boomer swipes the Chandeli-ho with his sword, severing his connection.









Well, that's not the word I'd used to describe him, but it certainly seems to fit.



Wasn't doing that in the first place, but thanks for the reassurance.







Our Chandeli-ho proves his worth.





That's right. We've got some business to finish up here.



Now, this next part here, someone already requested it in video. Before, I hadn't really thought about it and was just going to post it as a bonus video. After seeing that scene again, there is literally no way I can describe it in screenshots nor do I even wish to attempt to. So, here's the video. It confuses, yet, pleases me.





On top of the castle, we meet Exor, the gigantic sword monster. He has two eyes that protect him and his mouth, for some weird-ass reason, is called the Neosquid.



Exor is here, up top.



Neosquid is down here. If anyone can explain that name to me, I would highly appreciate it. It has 800 HP, and it can use Sleep attacks on the party, along with a host of other powerful magic attacks. But, I pretty much ignore the Neosquid this fight and the only damage it takes is incidental.



His Right Eye, which is a douchebag, with 500 HP and has a ton of elemental magic. It can also use Dark Star, which Culex can also use. He never used it this battle, thank God, as it is one of the strongest enemy attacks in the game and would have royally wrecked my shit.



And this picture sums up my thoughts on the Left Eye.



As does this one. The Left Eye has 300 HP, with decent stats all around. From here on out, assume all bosses have nice and high Attack and Defense; this one is also the holder of an assload of status effects, including Mute, Poison and Scarecrow.



Knocking out either of the eyes results in this message, which means Exor can be targeted.



He has 1800 HP, but no attacks whatsoever. He only has Magic and regular Defense, and is immune to Thunder. To win this fight, we just have to knock this out of the fight and the other bits will fall.



I'm including this purely because it kind of freaks me out to see the Eyes and Neosquid stationary while everything else waves around.



Aurora Flash hits fucking hard and puts people to sleep. Mallow was spared because he's wearing my Safety Ring. This fight can be a massive asshole.



Since Mallow rocks face with magic, I have him focus on that while Mario and Bowser catch a few Z's.



Not too shabby, if I do say so myself.



Solidify friggin' hurts.



Mario and Bowser are great characters, don't get me wrong, but would it kill them to learn how to take a magical hit? (Yes, yes it would, probably.)





Well, that didn't help matters at all.



I think the amount of times we've seen Mallow heal is this game is now up to two.



Culex was the last time we saw this attack. It still sucks here.



Not in that fun way where I laugh all the way to the bank when they use it. Had I known this was coming, I would have just used a Kerokero Cola.



This is another example of how much more important gear is in this game, as opposed to level. Sure, my level is high and that helps quite a bit, but gear matters far more than level ever could. Had I been using all of my super-gear here, this fight wouldn't have been any issue whatsoever. Or any fight, for that matter.



After reviving Bowser, the Left Eye decides to shoot some eye boogers on him.



And the Right Eye did something to fucking murder Mario and halve Bowser's HP. I seriously don't know what I was doing wrong in this fight. On a sidenote, I think Bowser looks pretty fuckin' rad when he's poisoned.



I miss Toadstool. Anyone who complains about this game being easy shouldn't use Toadstool. It's no longer the walk in the park it once was.



Bwahahahaha! Excellent.





This is one of my favorite messages to see.



From here on out, it's essentially a full scale assault against Exor.



Goddammit. I hate this attack.



Seriously, that scares the shit out of me.



I decided to see how effective Snowy would be here, since it hits all enemies, is cheap, and easy to power up.



I was less than pleased, to say the least.





Gonna need a montage...





MONTAGE!



Sorry. I was just getting tired of this shit. Speaking of tired of this shit...

: "Hey, Exor!"

: "Yeeeeeees?"



: "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CASTLE!"





Wait, what the hell are you doing?



Mallow! No!



Fight, dammit, Bowser! We didn't come this far just to get eaten alive!



It's about time you woke up, you lazy asshole!



Oh, well, Toadstool hit level 24. I suppose that's a nice whiplash effect there. She gained +3 Attack, too!



Now, we get an upskirt on Geno, see Mario and Mallow's asses bared to the world, yet somehow, Toadstool remains modest. Japan, I expected different out of you.



...Where the hell are we?



I'm not even sure where this is, Geno.







Well, let's get to it, then.



Your Goddamn text box, Geno!



Hanging on, sir!







Bowser, no!



You son of a bitch! How could you do this to me!





Bowser, I'm fairly certain Mario could beat your ass six ways from Sunday. I'd be careful barking orders at him like that.







I wouldn't even dare to threaten Geno, Bowser. I know he'd make you look like a punk bitch.







I think this would be a good idea to remember if there's ever a direct sequel to this game.





A direct sequel? Yeah, that'd be cool.











You don't need to cry, Bowser. We'll go take a dump in Smithy's shoes.























Sorry for this folks, but from here, we're gonna hurry up and wait. Next time, we'll revisit Bowser's Keep for just a second and then explore some of this strange new land we find ourselves in. Stay tuned!

Bonus Video

Now, what if I told you there was a semi-secret way to defeat Exor, effortlessly? Would you believe me? Or merely think I am full of shit?

Decide for yourself!