The Closer: Game of the Year Edition Part #18 - Update XVI - Now I Consume Only The Finest, Organic, Locally-Sourced Japanese Eroge.

Part 18: Update XVI - Now I Consume Only The Finest, Organic, Locally-Sourced Japanese Eroge.

Update XVI - Now I Consume Only The Finest, Organic, Locally-Sourced Japanese Eroge.

♪ BGM: City Theme ♫

Here we are, back in Zizek's apartment and ready to check out the League of our Own eroge again in search of a translator.

I, uh, guess so...

Maybe we should take a look at the game I came out of to see who translated that! They could help us.

This is wise thinking, Kami! Surely someone who would translate an obscure game based on a 90s film would be useful now, and then never again.

You think the translator put his name on the game?

People on the #WorldWideWeb love to get credit for the #content they create, because everyone knows they are not #monetizing their work.

Then let's boot it up and take a look... Unless that makes you uncomfortable, Kami.

You think I can't handle something as mundane as a look into the bizzare and awful virtual world from which I emerged?

That does sound rather traumatic.

Nah, I can handle it.

Then let's go!

♪ BGM: Their Own League ♫

Okay, let's take a look at the credits. That's where these translators will usually put their name, in with the actual creators.

So you do play a lot of these games!

Never mind that, we opened this up for a reason.

Looks like the translation was done by a person named WeedDemon420.

I don't think that's his real name.

I know that!

There is an address here...

He put his address but not his real name?

When you think about it, a physical location is actually more descriptive of our existent reality than a proper name.

Looks like he's in Plano, Texas.

Well, now we know where we need to go, should we continue down this path.

♪ BGM: Closer's Theme ♫

We are very much continuing down this path. Off to Plano!

♪ BGM: Nolkrinite - Headquarters ♫

Yes, that is what you have heard... But had you ever been here before?

I think I saw pictures once, and it was beautiful and sunny. Not a run down dump like this. I don't understand.

Maybe the city spent all their money on public relations.

Perception is often far more important than reality, especially when considering real estate prices. Fabricating a strong, pervasive positive image could be more beneficial than improving actual existing conditions.

You should know that better than anyone, since we used selective #curation of #SocialMedia to put you back in the closer position.

Are you saying that there is a wide-reaching conspiracy to make Plano, Texas look like a wonderful place instead of a shithole?

It wouldn't be the weirdest thing we've encountered.

Let's just find WeedDemon420 and get the Final Fantasy guide translated so we can get out of here.

Alright, time to ask around for WeedDemon420. This should go just great.

Who the hell are you?

A question we should ask ourselves every day, but this is not the time. Now we want to know: Who is WeedDemon420?

Leave me alone!

Get out of my house!

Oh god it's a talking cartoon bird!

Well, that's rude.

Uh, no... Now please leave us alone.

What are you talking about?

WeedDemon420. I'm talking about WeedDemon420.

Please leave.

Also, there's two more houses we could've asked before finding the right one:

Click here if you are interested in a #SpecialOffer in which you help us find a man named WeedDemon420.

A living pop-up ad? What is this?

@twitter does not use pop-up ads, but rather embeds sponsored #content.

Well, I don't like that either.

Anyone here by the name of WeedDemon420?

Wait, you're Bobson! The closer for New York!

Yeah, and I'm looking for a guy who does translations of obscure Japanese video games, what of it?

Can I have your autograph?

I guess he's not here...

And finally, there's the right house.

Now... Now that's not a name I've heard for a long time.

Wait, you're...

Chicago starting pitcher Jake Arrieta. Come on in... We must have a lot to discuss.

That's great, Jake, but we didn't come here for your life story.

But you know I was WeedDemon420! You have no idea how amazing this is! I've never had another MLB player I could talk to about my past. This has been a great unburdening for me. Like I can finally be myself.

I can be your anime support group later, we need something from you right now.

Are you truly the man who translated the eroge adaptation of "A League of Their Own"?

There is very little baseball eroge out there. Back when I was in high school, a developing pitcher and fan of hentai, I needed to play it. I had already started to learn Japanese to understand certain anime titles that would never get a western release. So, naturally, I translated it and released the translation for free. Because I knew there were others out there like me.

I don't know how I feel about any of this.

You... You're Kaminari! How is this possible?

It is an exceedingly long story.

The game you translated and helped distribute is disgusting and you should be ashamed.

I never said I wasn't ashamed.

Huh, wasn't expecting that.

We need to translate this Japanese guide for Final Fantasy VI.

Well, my Japanese is a bit rusty...

We've come all this way... And they way I see it, you owe me. Like it or not, you're at least somewhat implicated in all the fucked up shit that game put me through.

Let me see this guide, I'll take a look.

You gave Jake Arrieta the [Japanese Final Fantasy VI Guide]!

Wow, this is a first edition! If I give you the translation, can I have the original?

There's not really anything we can do with it.

Then we have a deal!

Wow, that was fast!

It's probably not my best work. After all, there's nothing erotic about this.

Ugh.

Here you go! Hopefully this somehow helps you on your quest.

You received [English Final Fantasy VI Strategy Guide]!

Come back anytime you have some new Japanese memorabilia.

Before we go, I just have to ask: Did you actually think the League of Their Own game was any good? Because I guess I could almost understand if you liked it ironically. But if you were sincere, that's really fucked up.

C'mon, Kami, Jake helped us out...

Nah, it's okay. I was a kid back then, I know I had bad taste. Now I consume only the finest, organic, locally-sourced Japanese eroge.

Are you making fun of me? Because that fucking game was monstrous to me and my friends and--

No, not at all! I was being completely serious! I've invested my signing bonus in a US studio that makes erotic Japanese games... and our mission is to make them without all the gross misogyny that is so common in all the classic titles.

So you basically set your signing bonus on fire?

All digital #content is worthwhile, Bobson.

That is an incredibly wrong statement.

Anyway, I'm sorry for any part I played in your opression, Kami. And I'm glad you were able to escape. Though I'm still confused as to how-—

I am sorry, Jake, but we need to depart.

Another time, then.

Alrighty then.

TheMcD's Baseball Stuff posted:

Let's talk about our hentai enthusiast, Jake Arrieta. For the record, I have no idea if there is some sort of incident in Arrieta's past that made him in particular become WeedDemon420 here, or if he was just some random pick or just looked the part.

Anyway, Arrieta's career is kinda interesting. He started out as a starting pitcher on the Baltimore Orioles, and he sucked. Over his about 250 innings with the Orioles, he was worth pretty much 0 WAR. Replacement level. But in 2013, he got traded to the Chicago Cubs alongside Pedro Strop (a solid relief pitcher for several seasons for the Cubs) and some money in exchange for Steve Clevenger (bench player) and a half-season of Scott Feldman (below average innings eater). And then, something changed.

I'm not intelligent enough to really know what changed. I can look at the pitch mix for 2012 (Arrieta's last full Orioles season) and 2014 (his first full Cubs season) and see that Arrieta went from throwing his slider about 16% of the time to throwing it about 29% of the time, and it was met with very great success. Arrieta suddenly turned into a star, becoming unhittable from 2014 to 2016 with a H/9 (hits allowed per nine innings) of 6.2, which is ridiculous. In 2015, he put up a particularly great season and won the Cy Young award.

However, it wasn't to be forever - since 2016, Arrieta has seen a decline to adequacy. So when he became a free agent in 2017 and signed with the Philadelphia Phillies, he was paid like a Cy Young winner would, but the 250 innings he's pitched have been notably average. But it seems like paying big money for stars that just suddenly become average is what the Phillies do.

♪ BGM: Moose ♫

Now, we're back at Dinosaur Forest, and things are happening.

My god, what new strangeness have we gotten ourselves into? This is almost more bizarre than the day that I spent locked in a staring contest with Werner Herzog.

What do you think this means?

I don't know...

Perhaps there is some #HiddenMeaning to be found here.

Well, what we need to do is...

...look at the sign again.

Dinosaur Forest? What's that mean?

Suddenly, we hear a whooshing noise.

And what was that noise?

Because there aren't even any god damn dinosaurs here, in this so-called bullshit dinosaur forest. Which is what I expected, because dinosaurs don't fucking exist!

Carl Everett?

Yeah, and who the hell are you?

I'm Bobson, the New York closer. Why are you out here?

Some chucklefucks told me that there was a dinosaur forest. But dinosaurs don't exist and they never existed, so I came out here to prove those shitheads were liars, just like the scientists.

To truly discern whether dinosaurs ever "existed" we must first decide upon an appropriate definition for existence. For you see, if you argue that for something to exist it must be perceived by an intelligence capable of classifying it... then it is entirely possible to argue dinosaurs never existed. Instead, they are a construct that we have projected into the past.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but it's not what I'm talking about. Dinosaurs are god damn fiction.

All classifications are fiction, even the names we give ourselves.

I'm Carl Fucking Everett!

But are you? Or are you merely a mass of ostensibly self-aware matter that was assigned that name by your parents... who had no agency to classify you with a name, other than a mutual shared genetic material, which is its own sort of arbitrary.

I don't like this man!

He's kind of an acquired taste.

Bobson, this Final Fantasy strategy guide is really starting to glow.

What the helll is "Final Fantasy"? The only fantasy here is that the world is more than six thousand years old.

Let's take a look at this... Carl, I know you're retired, but I think that I have to pitch to you.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I have to defeat you.

This is a #stunning development! What are you planning, Bobson?

I don't know if it will work, but I have to try...

What will work? What do you think might happen?

Hopefully you'll see, Kami. Hopefully I'm right and I can fix one more thing before the big game. So, Carl, you up for one more at bat? If you get a hit or walk off me, I'll admit that dinosaurs aren't real.

You're fucking on, kid!

♪ BGM: The Entrance ♫

And now, we get to baseball fight Carl Everett. Nothing too special. Fastball for ball one, fastball for strike one, batter is looking fastball, changeup for strike two, knuckle-curve for strike three, see ya.

♪ BGM: Moose ♫

So, are you going to admit that dinosaurs are real?

That was never part of the fucking bet.

Wait for it... Wait for it...

I do not believe that anything is going to happen.

Just tell us what your plan was.

Well, this strategy guide says that you can bring back General Leo from the dead by doing certain things at the dinosaur forest. And I couldn't help but wonder if we could bring back Moose the same way.

That was kind of a stretch.

Did you ever consider that there might be multiple #DinosaurForests?

The similarities are just too much to ignore!

It was a noble effort, Bobson... But you just have to remember, we're not in a videogame so--

But suddenly, the screen starts shaking!

What the--

This stargate definitely wasn't here before.

Wait, did this work? Did it really work?

You really did it, Bobson... You brought me back.

Let it be known that for once, the thread actually managed to successfully call something that would happen in this game - that the Final Fantasy VI strategy guide would allow us to bring Moose back in conjunction with the Dinosaur Forest. The reason the thread called this is because they're a bunch of *nerds*.

Now, time to get Moose up to speed.

I was never going to give up, Moose. Even if my idea was really stupid.

It was remarkably stupid. It should have never worked.

So, you're not late for Game Seven, right?

It was actually postponed for a day because of rain.

That's practically unheard of.

How did you leave things in the land of the gritty reboot?

I helped the zombies develop rudimentary intelligence with crossword puzzles. My hope is that they can form a society.

What a cruel thing to do to a group of individuals. Society is nothing but organized crime, legitimized by the apathy of the masses.

They were shambling about and eating brains, I don't think life could get any worse for them.

What if shambling about and eating brains is their natural state? What is this but imperialism?

...

Hey! We've got an airship now!

Glad to see everything has continued a trajectory into the insane.

It belongs to the Machine but he's letting us use it... and we should probably head back to his mansion and figure out why he's being so nice.

I'm pretty exhausted, so I'll go wait on the airship. But I'm glad to be back, and you'll be able to find me whenever you disembark.

So this is how we're getting around the party limit. Moose will tag along with us but be outside of the party proper, he'll just show up when appropriate.

♪ BGM: Closer's Theme ♫

Next, we're going to head to Plano again.

♪ BGM: Nolkrinite - Headquarters ♫

I just wanted you to see how ugly it is. We're being lied to by the city chamber of commerce.

Oh, I knew that.

Really?

It's Texas! What did you expect?

Now, there is one building we missed earlier.

There's nothing in it. Mysterious. Now, let's check back in with Arrieta again.

What a jerk!

Be careful! The way teams are hiring old catchers these days, he's likely to be your manager before your playing career is over.

...and we're stuck. I can't move. ...ah, crap. I know what went wrong here.

One trip into RPG Maker later...

...yep, I was correct. See, the event that makes it so that you move from the "Plano" map to the "Arrieta's house" map the first time you enter is set up to place you on the chair. Because you start the event speaking to Arrieta, so it only makes sense. But the problem is that the event that puts you in there the second and any further times places you on the chair as well, but I think gyroball was writing this event with Moose speaking to Arrieta under the assumption that we would be standing in the hallway at the bottom. We would then be moved up by the event to go closer to Moose, then the dialogue would continue. Instead, we walk into a wall and the event can't continue because we can't resume going up. Oh well, easy to fix.

One change from "Transfer Player:[061:Arrieta's House] (007,009), Right" to "Transfer Player:[061:Arrieta's House] (005,015), Up" later...

Also, one refight of Carl Everett later...

OK, here we go. Now we're at the bottom...

...and can move appropriately to continue the event.

It doesn't make any sense, but that Final Fantasy VI guide was the key to getting me home.

I knew FFVI was the greatest jRPG ever made.

I must take exception to this line of discussion because, technically, Pokemon is a jRPG.

Woah, Pokemon, Zizek?

What can I say? Still waters run deep.

This is a twist I did not expect.

I like this Arrieta kid. While I have no fondness for eroge, it is admirable that he is trying to make it better.

Alright, now, let's move o-

I like this Arrieta kid. While I have no fondness for eroge, it is admirable that he is trying to make it better.

Wait, what's going o-

I like this Arrieta kid. While I have no fondness for eroge, it is admirable that he is trying to make it better.

I like this Arrieta kid. While I have no fondness for eroge, it is admirable that he is trying to make it better.

Oh god, I can't escape!

I like this Arrieta kid. While I have no fondness for eroge, it is admirable that he is trying to make it better.

SHUT IT DOWN!

...OK. So, looks like there's another problem associated with this scene. See, the event that has Moose talking with Arrieta and all that is an "autorun" event. It starts the moment we enter the map. That's fine, because at the end of the event, it flips a switch, and that switch being on prevents the autorun event from being called again. The problem comes with the second page of the event. This is supposed to be what happens when we speak to Moose ourselves on this map. However, this event page was also set to autorun, and since it doesn't have a switch to turn itself off, we're stuck in an endless loop.

One change from "Trigger: Autorun" to "Trigger: Action Button" later...

Also, another fucking refight of Carl Everett later...

Alright, now we can escape. And talk to Arrieta again, because he has a critical clue that you won't get anywhere else in the game to something that you definitely don't want to miss (but a lot of people probably did)!

Oh that? Fuck if I know... Rumor has it that if you enter while bearing the name of the legendary hero, then a great secret will open up to you. But I went down to the county clerk and had myself renamed "Loto" and it did nothing. Also tried "Roto", but that didn't work, either. Guess you need to have the name used in this continent.

Is it worth investigating?

Only if you can figure out how to change your name.

Well, turns out that we can actually change our name. Remember the guy at The Machine's party that told us about a hidden way to change your name in a New York bookstore?

♪ BGM: City Theme ♫

Well, here we are. Note that there's something a little bit off on the right.

We press that thing, and a staircase appears! And what is behind it?

...this.

TheMcD's Baseball Stuff posted:

OK, I know this seems like it's completely out of nowhere, but we need to talk about Mike Trout.

Mike Trout is the god of baseball. If you disagree, you are bad, and wrong.

Mike Trout has played in seven full seasons so far, from age 20 to 26.

He was an All-Star in every season.

He won the Silver Slugger award for outfielders in all but one season, missing out in 2017 where he only played 114 games due to injury, though he did qualify for the award by his plate appearances and was worth far more WAR offensively in his 114 games (7.2) than the winner, George Springer, was over 140 games (4.9), making this a clear screwjob.

He won the MVP award twice, placed second in voting four times and fourth once (which, again, was in his injury-shortened 2017). By voting shares (a statistic in which getting all of the possible maximum voting points for MVP is worth 1 share and lesser amounts are worth accordingly), Trout ranks 11th overall at 5.06. He is second in active players, behind only Albert Pujols at 6.91. Pujols is 39. Trout is 27.

By WAR overall, Trout is 102nd with 69.5. That is 102nd out of every baseball player ever. And again, Trout is still in his prime.

Not a single player in baseball history has collected more WAR than Trout has through the age 26 season. Trout has 64.2, with the next closest, Ty Cobb, 63.4.

Mike Trout is the greatest player baseball has ever known.

...now, what does that have to do with this room? Well, it might surprise you, but goons did a thing.

So, let's rewind a bit. We're now back in 2012. The Mike Trout hype is definitely there, but not that great just yet. At the time, the big comparison was to Mickey Mantle, another legendary player, albeit one Trout has surpassed in every way except getting his dick sucked under the bleachers.

For the rest of the story, I'll quote an ESPN story on Trout from 2012:

ESPN article "The Phenom" posted:
IN THE FORUMS pages of SomethingAwful.com, a 24-year-old who calls himself Weed Mouse is getting tired of the Trout hype. So on June 27, he decides to change the conversation. "I made a remark that this season is only his floor if he is Mickey Mantle," says Mouse, a recent college graduate in St. Louis. It's too early to say, he argues, but still Mouse dubs Trout the Millville Meteor, a play on the Commerce Comet, Mantle's hometown-inspired nickname. "I am a bit of a fan of the old-timey baseball nicknames: Splendid Splinter, Georgia Peach, the Freshest Man on Earth, etc.," he says. "They are certainly better than lazy garbage like A-Rod and Han-Ram. Getting to troll massive amounts of people is just a bonus."

SomethingAwful users update Trout's Wikipedia page with the nickname. For citation, they use legitimate-looking links that don't actually reference the nickname (which, after all, hadn't existed before that day). The links fool Wikipedia's editors and buy Weed Mouse some time. Within days, journalists and bloggers start picking up the name and using it in their articles. SomethingAwful users quickly update the Wikipedia citations with real examples that prove the Millville Meteor is in active circulation. Two weeks later, Baseball-Reference.com updates its Mike Trout page. SportsCenter uses it on July 18.

Trout hears the nickname. "I don't know where they got that," he says. But later in the summer, on eBay, a baseball is being sold that Trout has inscribed with it, in silver ink.

Now, I'm told that ESPN made one mistake here - the forums user was "groucho_marxist", not "Weed Mouse". The mentioned Weed Mouse was the user's avatar, rather. And it is the mouse we are looking at in the above screenshot.

And fittingly, this mouse is also capable of changing our name. Now, we need to change our name to that of the legendary hero... I think I know this one.