Part 15: Hard Time Update 4: They Must Have The Judge On Speed Dial
Hard Time Update 4: They Must Have The Judge On Speed Dial
Welcome back. Last time, we discovered that judges appear to have no long-term memory.
Somebody somehow knows we killed the guy in the bathroom, despite there being absolutely no witnesses. Though, to be fair, blaming En Sabah Nur for mysterious deaths is just smart thinking at this point.
I decided to give the new guard some complimentary welcome-to-prison beatings.
Free money!
Oh my God what
Yeah, we really fucked him up pretty badly. Knocked off a few fingers and permanently disfigured his face.
I put the poor man out of his misery with some lead Aspirin.
EN SABAH NUR HAS A MACHINE GUN!
FINALLY, I get the respect and fear that I deserve!
Unfortunately I have to murder the poor man for alerting the guards to my killing spree.
I love free money. Also, it appears that my nipples are bleeding.
Lockdown is called, and I find some asshole in my bed. And Fatty Pornstache's trying to case us again.
Some beatings make him beg for mercy.
Fun fact: convicts have the memory capacity of a goldfish. Collectively.
I murder the squatter as well, while I'm on a rampage.
Ahhh. Sweet silence.
Wait. Goddamnit, those assholes broke my shades! Not cool.
Morning comes, and I'm the only living thing in my wing of the prison. It's a glorious feeling to wake up and not be immediately punched.
Wait, don't you have to catch me before you arrest me? And you're arresting me for carrying a gun when I murdered about a dozen people with it?
I kept this one only because it looks like those three guys are skipping arm-in-arm, and it's pretty awesome.
The guard gets me in a headlock pretty much immediately.
Ahh, corruption. Such a wonderful thing. I think I can beat the judge again, though.
IrfanView? Suddenly it's taking screenshots from Cho Aniki!
Crap.
There's also the whole "third or fourth shooting rampage" thing, you know...
four days to your sentence...
I neglected to grab the first screenshot, but this guy walked up to us and invited us to join his gang, the Powers That Be. Now's a good time to talk about gangs. Gangs are groups of NPCs you can count on to support you despite their personal feelings toward you, but you're expected to do the same. In practice, it doesn't do a whole lot more than put some fancy tats or clothes on your character. Here's MDickie's own summary, with my own comments in italics.
MDickie posted:
GANGS
Nowhere are relationships more prevalent than in gang culture! If the support of your friends doesn't bring you any comfort, you can inherit a readymade family by joining a gang. Although you may not be friends with every member, they're duty-bound to look after their own and automatically offer most of the benefits of friendship. The downside is that you're expected to do the same, so a gang member is regularly roped into doing things that they rather wouldn't. They tend to have a strict code of conduct as well, so deviating from the script can incur the very wrath you were relying on! Theknown[only] prison gangs are as follows:
- "The Suns Of God" are a gang of white supremacists that seek to annihilate other races. Membership obviously requires that you be of the same race, but you also need a proven reputation of at least 70%. In addition to their tattoos, they can be identified by their sunglasses and shaved heads...
- "The Avatars Of Allah" are a gang of Muslim extremists that seek to annihilate other gangs. [Oh dear.] Membership obviously requires that you be of the same race [apparently 'Muslim' is a race now?], but you also need a proven reputation of at least 70%. In addition to their tattoos, they can be identified by their Arabic headwear... [Yes, they wear turbans. Badly modeled turbans. Cause all Muslims are towelheads right?]
- "The Dark Side" [Oh Jesus Christ] are the bastions of black power and seek to humble other races []. Membership obviously requires that you be of the same race, but you also need a proven reputation of at least 70%. In addition to their tattoos, they can be identified by their golden jewelry... [Cause black people fucking love dat shiny bling.]
- "The Powers That Be" are a gang of intellectuals that conspire to outwit their enemies [NERRRRRRRRRRRRRDS]. Membership requires that you have an intelligence of at 70%. In addition to their tattoos, they can be identified by a purple tie...
- "The Gladiators" are a gang of athletes that seek to rule by brute strength. Membership requires that you have a combined strength and agility of at least 140%. In addition to their tattoos, they can be identified by a red headband and their casual dress sense...
- "The Peaks" are a group of reformed characters that seek to bring peace to the prison. Membership requires that you have a reputation of less 70%. In addition to their tattoos, they can be identified by a white armband and their refusal to engage in violence...
Oh my God that's horrible texturing.
...Gentlemen, I think we've achieved terminal
. The tattoos are the back tattoo you saw, "If I wanted your opinion, I would have given it to you!" on the front, the world in an eye, an Eye of Providence, "What's mine is mine...and what's yours is mine too!" on the arms, eyes on the side forearms, the back tattoo again on the shoulders, red 666s on the underside of the forearms along with "Knowledge Is Power!" and something unintelligible near the armpits. So I basically just got every insufferably
shirt in the average Hot Topic stained into my skin. I'm probably going to get cancer from these games.
Oh hey, another new guard already. They must have AMAZING hazard pay.
Who's Grant Clark again?
Uh, okay.
Someone left a pistol on its own in the corner. It must be lonely.
No. I won't go on a shooting rampage this time. I'll take it to the wardens. This time will be different.
....
IT'S NOT DIFFERENT AT ALL, IS IT STEVE!? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Holy...
Look behind you, dude. You are in no position to complain.
Wait, this doesn't even make sense in the confines of MDickie's own fucked logic. Assault with a deadly weapon isn't as bad in his world as grievous bodily harm, and I shot a guy's leg off and a guard's fingers off. Yet I'm arrested for shooting the gun.
En Sabah Nur is looking more and more like a drug-addled rock star by the day. He's already got Mick Jagger's lips with David Bowie's lipstick.
The tattooed, bloodied maniac wins another day.
We've been through this. In prison, yes it does.
What the f- SNIDELY?!
Clearly, his descendant has tracked me down after my millennia of travels. We must fight to the death for the honor of his Quraysh ancestors.
I beat him to death, and nobody stops me. Even in the grim darkness of the 2nd millennium, nobody loves Snidely Whiplash.
OH MY GOD THERE'S MORE OF THEM
En Sabah Nur takes his mind off things by watching the MDickie Show.
Poignant.
Uh oh. I know I shot your finger off and stuff, but, uh, we still cool?
Bitch you did not just insult the afro.
The afro is essential to my look. It is awesome.
So awesome, in fact, I just took a month off my sentence because it cannot be restrained.
The phones ring again, and I go pick it up. Probably some wrong number again.
...
