Part 1

This image greets you upon starting the game, every time. What does Confucious have to do with Jesus? About as much as Andrew "Dice" Clay.


One thing that hasn't been shown off is the options screen, so here you go. Also I did change the pointer to a Mario Bros. Blooper. These are maximum settings, but I'm sure my machine can handle it.


Too bad the game can't. Going maxed out crashed the character creator; I didn't even get into the game proper. Its very bad. I did find a youtube review that got it to work. All the resolution settings do is shrink your HUD and the buttons in menus. Everything else is its same ugly self. After knocking the resolution back down I went into the character creator one last time, and kept the population maxed.


Of all the Charlie Browns I could make, this is the Charlie Browniest. In any case, having a character already accustomed to living under strong Christian subtext will help me cope.

Now the supporting cast. John the Baptist, cousin and herald to Jesus was a man of the wilderness and eventually beheaded for his preaching. From now on he is...


...a Cyberman, and not even one of the cool-looking ones from The Invasion. Incidentally, the speech he gives in-game is a hodge-podge of verses from all the Gospels. The only bit from the passage in the citation above him is in that screenshot.

The false prophet demanding gifts and tribute has no clear biblical identity. Perhaps he is Satan, or just a mortal rival to Jesus in this time of crisis in Judea. In any case he will be portrayed as...


...another Charlie Brown, but in a stylish Zebra pattern. This probably says something about the dual nature of man, or the faulty nature of the random number generator. The passage this quote is meant to be from does not exist. Chapter 17 of The Book of Matthew ends with verse 27 and is about nothing that relates to this scene at all.

Jesus needs to have a face of determination and emotion. He needs to be powerful yet gentle, respected and feared. This is the random character generator to redeem itself, and I think it knocked the ball out of the park:


Goku is Jesus. I love that MDickie thinks that citing scripture means he can shove whatever words into Jesus' mouth he wants, even if it doesn't really fit.
Of course, the faces don't have all the fun. Let's see what Jesus found to his liking in the Spring collection:


A lovely backless number and a helping of faux-eastern mysticism. Once again, this line is the only thing taken from the passage. Matthew chapter 4 is about the temptation in the Desert, and unless we interpret the player character to be Satan, then its way off. Join us next time when we chase Goku all over the holy land because that's all this game is.