Part 7: Trials and Tribulations

Chapter 6: Trials and Tribulations

Previously, on The You Testament: Fuck MDickie Edition...


Now, back to our story already in progress.


There was actually a reason to get arrested. As you can see, this would have been a damn long hike, but the arrest teleports us to Calvary, one square away from the temple where Mega Man is hiding Jesus. Let the trial begin


As a further gesture of goodwill at this time, we are willing to release ONE of them back to you. Who would you prefer? Charlie Brown, who stands accused of Theft?


A mysterious man leaps to our defense!  My trigger finger was slow on the screencap key 




Mohammed is to be crucified for the crime of assault! let his demise be a lesson to you all.

This is lifted pretty cleanly from the popular image of Jesus' Roman trial. The biggest diversion is that this prisoner exchange was an annual thing for a festival, the Romans didn't make a habit of catch-and-release. Anyway, Pilate is a role I can actually see Nicholas Cage playing. Good Job game.


Its a double exectution, apparently involving Mary. This is either the biggest departure from scripture or another failure of random characters. Either way MDickie sucks. I wish I knew who the little guy in the corner was, but my current guess is not-Mary's sidekick that's going to high-tail it before the fuzz catches on.


Rorschach's Journal, 29 A.D.: Judea is afraid of me, I have seen its true face. The streets are extended .jpegs and the .jpegs are full of artifacts and when MDickie finally finds this, all the smug will implode.


Mohamed was a friend of mine. I can only find solace in a 15-foot scarf. Now it's time to meet our mystery beneficiary!


A jury of our peers is made entirely of hyper-violent, sociopathic fascists who are meant to be heroes in one way or another. I wonder what that says about Charlie Brown? In any case we can't let this second chance go to waste.


THE HUG GOSPEL MUST NEVER DIE


This is the path to Jerusalem, and it is blocked. My pro-gamer warp trick has failed me. This is the only map I tried modding and I didn't think it worked until this playthrough. I would fail as a game tester almost as bad as MDickie would as a designer.


These squares are the terrain and texture for River Jordan, the starting area. That is actual size, they just get stretched to hell and back.


And these are the modified ones for Calvary. There are the purple squiggles. I originally thought the grayscale ones controlled elevation with black being max depth and white as max height and gradients making slopes. Then I changed this, loaded the game, and failed to notice a difference. It turns out I'm blind. That white spot is right under the gate to Jerusalem making that path-blocking monolith. Presumably there's a gaping pit that will end your game behind the crosses. Let's not go looking. In order to progress we take a detour to Bethlehem next door.



Where Ocelot proceeds to kick the shit out of a small child. I bet you feel like a real big man how huh?

This is a good time to point out what red health bar means. Problem is I don't know. I think it means your arm is broken since he did a weird waving animation, but nothing really changed, except for EXXXTREME SCARRING.



I'm not sure, but that manger back there may be THE manger. The birthplace of Gokesus our lord and antagonist.






It could also be any of those mangers. Its kind of like the Shakespeare birthplace in a way.


There's a bit of a fracas back here, let's check it out.


It is written that the sanctity of this place should consume you! All you 'consume' is yet more possessions! You have desecrated this temple as surely as you have desecrated the temple of your own body! If you can not drive out your materialistic desires than I will drive them out for you! Destroy this temple and I will rebuild it anew! The next one won't be made of stone

Gokesus is now a militant communist/veggie warrior. I be the new temple will be made of organic sorghum or something.



Don't think I have come to bring 'peace'. I have come to bring CHANGE - and change requires upheaval! I'm not a serpent that bites, but I do HISS! you have to stand up for what you believe in. If you ever need the courage to do so, meditate on the seventh Chakra and you will become strong! In that state nobody can bring harm to you. All you have to worry about is hurting others!

So we have a sort of invulnerability cheat I guess? I'm not testing it out in red health anyway. That's probably maybe dangerous I think.

This passage is actually softened from the original before the new power got tacked on: Jesus was basically the inspiration for Jerry Springer.

Finally, Jesus notices our hideous scars and how we're on death's door. The next exchange is completely unedited, please trust me, and posted in its entirety:



Note the lack of a biblical citiation...

Things MDickie sucks at: game design, theology, acting class, non-fiction writing, science...

The list that keeps on growing. This is Star Trek: Voyager levels of pseudo-science technobabble that doesn't make any sense. I don't think Ocelot slapped me hard enough to hurt me at the atomic level. Maybe with red health I could phase through walls but I never tried.

This chapter is full of Jesus monologues. Apparently being the son of God means you can just talk about nothing for hours on end and have nobody call you out on it.


Not all of their traditions are bad! Rituals can help to focus the mind on spiritual matters. Go and find the most valuable possession you can and we'll sacrifice it as a gesture of goodwill.

The Scripture version of this scene: "Jesus went to the temple as the prophets foretold."
The MDickie version: "I just pissed off everybody here by hitting them with sticks. Go make nice for me."

So I concentrated and made the most valuable thing I could think of.


Fremen Tom Baker hates me. He probably uses his TARDIS and stillsuit to sneak into my mailbox and make sure that little red-haired girl never sends me a valentine.


You all gave of what you had to SPARE, but Charlie Brown offered what little he OWNS! Do you think God cares about any of this? God requires NOTHING! She already is everything. You're invited to Sacrifice of YOURSELF for YOURSELF! It doesn't concern anyone else. Evidently you've learnt nothing, and you remain far from the God you're trying to please.

The second-worst thing about this game is how long-winded Jesus is. MDickie paraphrases scripture, twists its meaning backwards, and then repeats the MDickie-ist interpretation three different ways making me transcribe ten screens just to say that sacrifice is pointless.

In any case, he botches it again. The citation points to the parable of the widow, which teaches that the spirit of giving is more important than the amount. Never does he say giving is meaningless and call everyone in the crowd idiots for supporting the temple. I get the feeling MDickie makes things pretty awkward when the plate is passed.

The people around were feeling understandably miffed after that rebuke, and one of them took it out on me. Jesus had just given me self-defense classes, so I figured he'd let me hit back. I forgot that MDickie's Jesus is a flaming hypocrite.


A problem cannot be solved with the same energy that created it. You can't fight fire with fire! If somebody strikes you on one cheek, turn and offer him the other. Prove that you can take it! With every blow he'll be clocking up more and more bad karma while yours is being worked off. You should LOVE your enemies! Feel sorry for them because they're only hurting themselves.

The simplest, most elegant statement of nonviolence, the guiding principle of Dr. King and Ghandi, the great tenet of Christian action, has been reduced to a passive-aggressive mantra mixed with karmic confusion.

Fuck this game I'm out.










Aw who am I kidding. Any game with a face like this will keep me coming back: