Part 1: Introduction

Goooooooooood morniiiiiiiiiing, people of the world! Or evening, as the case may be. I am Juanito, and this is the Tropico News Network, bringing you the most optimistic news from our little island paradise.


Unfortunately, there hasn’t been very much to be optimistic about lately. Our government is run by an evil, despotic dictator, and even worse, he is very bad at his job! Why, even though the TNN studio is run out of space generously donated from our gracious tyrant’s private palace, some very handsome, righteous, and well-armed rebels have snuck into my office and have arranged for this very special broadcast.


You see, while they obviously have the resources and manpower to do whatever they would like to Tropico, they are unfortunately very low on ideas, so they have asked me, Juanito, to ask you, the people of the world, where to take the Revolución next. There are all sorts of people who want to become the next El Presidente, but it is you, the people out there, who must choose!

_{(Don’t bother reading all this if you don’t want to. Jump down to the third post to get the short version.)}


This is Fidel Castro. After spending millions on PR campaigns and image makeovers, he has declared himself a “man of the people.” As such, the Communists love him, although the Religious faction seems a bit more wary of his simple ways. He wishes to take over in a Communist rebellion, which will give him even more respect with the Communists as well as some very favorable relations with the USSR. Even the farmers will work harder knowing he is in charge, and people will not be terribly surprised if the elections get called off. In addition, he has been described as Charismatic, which all Tropicans admire, and it will make seeing his face on TV all the time easier to bear. He is also a Patriot, which the Nationalists love, and most born on Tropico will also like his spirit. Unfortunately, we have also been told of his Short Temper, which the Intellectuals and the Military (who have to live with him) do not appreciate. As well, he is rather Paranoid, which no one really likes except the Military, and he says he intends to use “every force at his hand to stomp out the evil Freemasons and Martians,” which I think means that the police will be extra repressive under his rule.


Next is Che Guevara, whose fervent utopian writings will give the Communist movement the perfect excuse for the creation of a dystopian society. They like him, naturally, and even the Intellectuals admire his works. Plus he has promised to devote extra time to make sure that students and workers alike learn their skills very fast. Like Castro, Guevara wants to take power in a Communist rebellion, and is Charismatic and Short Tempered. However, he is also Hardworking, which will make all Tropicans want to follow his example and boost production. Yet he is Alcoholic, which the Religious faction hates, and somewhat lowers the advantage gained from his hard work. On the other hand, the Russians always love a man who loves to drink!


This is Hernandez Martinez, a Generalissimo of the army. The Militarists and the Nationalists love him, and soldiers train extra hard under his example, although all the soldiers everywhere do not help much with the feelings of liberty. He believes the military should simply take control, which the Militarists also love, and while this would lower crime rates and military building costs, the Tropican people should not expect to see many newspapers any time soon, and God forbid they have election news on them. At least he has a Green Thumb and loves the environment, and he has a noble quest to defend the dream of a green paradise, even at the expense of a thriving industry on Tropico. The Environmentalists like the idea, and he has promised pollution will go down by half, but the workers in the factories will not be able to work as hard. He is Hardworking, though, which sort of cancels that out. On the other hand, he is described as Pompous, which the Americans hate, and which make edicts much harder to enact, plus he has made it clear that he will only praise himself in speeches. Then he is Jingoistic, which both the Americans and the Russians dislike, although the Nationalists can understand where he’s coming from.


Next is François “Papa Doc” Duvalier, another Man of the People. He had some extra money left over from the PR campaign, however, so he believes he can simply pay all the Tropicans to win the election. No one will expect him to win on fair terms in the future, but aside from that, only the Intellectuals feel a little uncomfortable about the situation. Not only is he Charismatic, but he is a great Administrator, and both skill training and building costs will be more efficient under his rule. However, lies pour out of his mouth like a waterfall, and both the Religious and the Intellectual factions really do not like hearing them. I have no idea why, since it’s not like anyone trusts his election promises. Even more, he loves the Schmoozing, which the Intelligent cannot stand, and even the foreign powers dislike, but the most unintelligent people on the island simply love all the flattery.


Next is Juan Peron, which I, Juanito, give my A-ok to. He is another Generalissimo, but he prefers the idea of elections, and so he wishes to be voted in as a Socialist. This will make him very popular with the Communists and the USSR, plus everyone will feel very liberated while they wait for him to win the next election. He is also Hardworking and Entrepreneurial; he has promised us that export rates will rise 10% under his command. We are already very familiar with his Flatulence problem, however, which will make foreign relations difficult, and the palace guards say they will not work for less than twice their normal pay if he is elected. He is also slightly Moronic, with an IQ just above room temperature, and he absolutely hates education. He says he will make it run at half efficiency, and refuses to consider building a college. This may prove a problem later.


This is Augusto Pinochet, another Generalissimo who wishes to rule by Military Coup. He, too, is Entrepreneurial and Pompous, and a Great Schmoozola to boot. But he is also a Financial Genius, which the Capitalists admire, and he says he can get the factories to run 20% faster, in addition to lowering costs on banks, marketplaces, and souvenir shops.


Antonio Salazar is a Self-Made Man, having risen to power simply on his own strength. The Capitalists like him, as does the United States, and he intends to teach our factory workers the meaning of hard work “the hard way.” I am not sure what he means by that. He will also take power with a Military Coup, and is another Hardworking Financial Genius. He has been described as a Cheapskate, however, which the Communists do not like, and while buildings will cost slightly less under his rule, no one will be paid over a certain amount. He is also a Religious Zealot, which the Religious faction appreciates, but the Intellectuals hate, and the citizens will feel the need to go to church even more often than usual.


Anastasio Somoza, Sr. is our Chief of Police, respected by the Militarists, and while Liberty may suffer a bit under his rule, Crime will be way down. He says he has “friends” who can install him into power, friends whom the Capitalists admire and the Americans absolutely adore. Liberty will suffer even more under these conditions, but the treasury will be receiving “contributions” of $2000 every year. Somoza is a Financial Genius (but a Cheapskate) with a rather Pompous outlook, but at least he is Diplomatic, which will give us slightly better foreign relations and a free diplomatic ministry.


Manuel Noriega also claims to be the Chief of Police, though Somoza says he was here first. I’m really not sure how we ended up with two, but the very nice rebel standing next to me says I should be moving along. Noriega would simply take control through a Military Coup, and our foreign markets would benefit from his Entrepreneurial Financial Genius. He is somewhat Paranoid, though, and undeniably Ugly, which no one, even tourists, appreciates.


Rafael Trujillo comes from a long line of Booze Barons, and knows how to make our rum twice as good as any other’s. The Religious faction doesn’t take kindly to all his booze slinging, though. He would also like the military to put him in charge, and is both Entrepreneurial and Diplomatic, though a Cheapskate and a Moron.


Many would call us fools for putting a woman in charge, but the rebellion is feeling very liberal at the moment, and is willing to listen to any options, including those given by Juan Peron’s wife, Eva “Evita” Peron. She is a Pop Singer, and popular with all Tropican factions, in addition to the Americans and the tourists. Even the night clubs will be more attractive with Peron’s occasional appearance. She says she can be elected as a Fascist even after that little disturbance over in Europe, which will make her very popular with the Militarists and the Nationalists, although our liberty may go down quite a bit, with some crime issues disappearing, too. Eva is very Charismatic and even Entrepreneurial, but there are some who accuse her of being a kleptomaniac, which would mean problems with the Capitalists (who want to keep their shiny things to themselves) and the Religious (who want all shiny things to belong to God), plus her constant visits to the factories will make them produce slower, and souvenir shops will end up costing twice as much. What is more, she gambles her shiny things away, which the Religious hate as well, and her use of the national treasury as collateral may drain it anywhere from 300 to 1500 per year.


Marie Gomez is another woman, though much more serious. She is a Travel Agent who works for a famous Hotel chain, and says she can make us “an offer we can’t refuse.” I am not sure how, though, as our current dictator does not even own a horse. She also says that her expertise will make our tourism go through the roof, and our attractions and entertainment will also improve in quality. The Capitalists and the Environmentalists say they will appreciate her environment-conscious rule, as will the US, and the honest nature of the buyout will make liberty go up (though no one knows what she will do when the elections come around), while the tourism will spike through the roof. And of course, the first hotel will be free! Gomez is also Diplomatic and Short Tempered, while being Well Traveled enough to attract even more tourists and the respect of the Capitalists and Intellectuals. Still, she is somewhat Lazy, so all the workers will want to slack off.


Isabela Llorando is a former Biblical Scholar who says the Bible told her to become Tropico’s El Presidente. The Religious like her because they know what she is saying, and even the Intellectuals think studying is “cool.” She says she will increase funding to the schools, and crack down on our crime problem. She will be running on a “Family Values” platform, which the Religious also like, and the fair elections will increase liberty, while her wholesome image may bring tourists around to our island. She is Hardworking, Charismatic, a Religious Zealot (as you can tell), but she is also a bit of a Coward, which may prove a problem if another rebellion comes around.


Gabriel Maria Jose got his education from Moscow U., where he learned how to please the Communists and USSR alike, although the US is not too pleased about him. He will also be available at our schools, making education go faster. He, too, has “friends” in high places, and intends to use them to get Communist and massive Russian respect, although liberty will go very far down, with few elections likely. However, he says his “friends” are very good at training soldiers, who will not need high school educations to use their guns properly. Jose is also a Patriot and an Alcoholic Paranoid, and a Populist to boot. This means the Nationalists will love him, and no one will care if he does not fulfill his promises.


We know this man only by the name “El Pollo Diablo.” He, too, is a Leftist Author, although he wishes to be brought into power with a Velvet Revolution, one that will topple our government without a fight. The Intellectuals and Americans will love him, Liberty will skyrocket, and he promises to be not at all dismayed when everyone expects him to hold elections. He is also Entrepreneurial and a Cheapskate, though he also loves to Gamble. He is also Scholarly, which the Intellectuals love, and the education system will work almost one third faster under his leadership.


Next is El Septimo, another Self-Made Man who will Buy the Election. He is a Financial Genius and a great Administrator, though he is seen as Jingoistic and with a Short Temper.


Oscar Malasuerte was born with a Silver Spoon in his mouth, and while the Capitalists and tourists love him, and he can make the factories work faster and he promises to put $2000 in the treasury, the Communists do not take kindly to him. He wishes to run honestly as a Capitalist, which the Capitalists can sort of understand and the Americans can appreciate, plus our feelings of Liberty will be good and our factories will work much harder. He is also a Hardworking Financial Genius, though a Coward with a Short Temper.


Last and most mysterious is the Voodoo Pizzaman. He was born to wealth and runs a hotel company, and is a Well-Traveled Financial Genius. He also loves his religion (what he worships, we were afraid to ask), but tends to Womanize, which the Religious frown upon and the intelligent ladies hate.

Finally, the revolution could simply put one of their own in charge, though they cannot guarantee any sort of quality from themselves.

For helping them with this decision, the rebels promise you, the people of the world, that two years will not go by without asking which direction Tropico will take. And if there are any special or random events that happen, they will allow you to vote on which direction they take, although such things need immediate attention, so they will only be available for a few hours at most.

Will Tropico be a tourist paradise? An industrial powerhouse? A banana republic? It is all up to you, people of the world!




As an extra incentive to get your support, the rebels have promised to rename all Tropicans, even those who immigrate here, after those of you who simply ask us to do so. We are expecting over three hundred people to show up on our little island in the next fifty years, so do not be shy! Plus, during every broadcast I will follow one of our renamed citizens around to show you what their life is like. This space here will be used to list all those who are current citizens of Tropico and those who are waiting in line to adopt one of us, although I do not think the second line will be very long! Sadly, I, Juanito, cannot be renamed thanks to a clause in my DJ contract, but all other citizens are up for grabs!

Those who were citizens of Tropico:

Azzur
Psycho Serum
100 HOGS AGREE
Senrath
Richard Nixon
Finlay
Heli Turtle
Hafl
Agent Calavera
Malkara
semihippie
Vanan
That Which Squeaks
Gyre
Simple Simon
Zwobot Jones
RBA Starblade
Revenant Threshold
Smarms
hankor
Walrus Pete
Zutaten
Jefepato
koshmar
Magni
Spoonsy
KKKLIP ART
Zeddico
punakone
Grande Pimpo Musto
John Zaibatsu
Terror Van
Gatac
Media Direct Canon
Scotch D. K.
Davzz
Scalding Coffee
Mofeta
Bklyn Bruzer
The Loquid
Glazius
Oderlan
Matter Horn
Jammy Lammy
bunny of doom
Kloro
Nonvalueadded User
Alius
Zak2k12
Fishbait
BOrange Fury
Vincente Vandaro Vandaron
Longshoreman X
Hankosha
1st Gear
64 bit robot
Samopsa
Mr Catchpenny
Game dragon 86
Captain Aardvark
Roberto Vado Muerto
I don't know
Odd Observador
Leal
Bromp
Red Magus
YOTC
Yami No Senshi
Z the IVth
Dawncloack
Volmarias
Wadeye Deathtrip
Zettace
Konstapel
Reicere
Alya
Toussaint Louverture
Broken Box
Terase Shellone
Apotheosis
Soviet Russia
Galaga Galaxian
Tiny Turtle
Mein Gott
numerrik
Chance II
Nckdictator
Spintzel
Octavio
Deki
Ghost hotel
Manic Mole
Horns
Orange Soda
Five
Paul Power
Doctor Angst
Julet Esqu
Nano
Dthulhu
Every Man Jack
dshban
Capskye
M. Sanchez
Cythereal
meatbag
Eli949
Lamanda
Nemo 2342
Mephiston
Son of Seaver
lord bost
Monkey Fit
bob von unheil
Rumda
Jonked
Reset Smith
Tesa Fox
Cuddlesworth
Shadow gamer
NLJP
Oni Elem
Genghis Tron
Jorge "Ass-crack" Haddassimo
El Fantasma Congelado
Mechahamster
Rutkowski
Santiago Sin Ropa
Ovejas-Cabras
John Dough
Joseph Wong KS
Tarmph
Xavier Genisi
hypern
Holistic Detective
Adrda
neon grey
El Shmooz
Sandono
V. Illych L.
Bat Ham
moose-cow 333
Zedd
Luminous Cow
sebzilla
Seravadon
Tindalos
Shogeton
Miserable Robot
apathetic poster
Manifunk Destiny
Hard Head
Leinadi
Skanky Burns
Scant Consolation
Green Intern
City In The Sea
Vadoc
Ramc
Calicoo
Policenaut
Dinictus
Gorgo Primus
Haystack
Vlad Antlerkov
Entropist
Lord Hypnostache
Jaster
Unputo Cualquiera
Xander 77
Salvador Dahlberg
Freudian Slip
Star blind
Gustavo Tacobowl
Boo Doug 187
Ben is not cool
sniper 4625
Forer
Barry Badrinath
Tobias Grant
Ratatozsk (Toucan Sam)
C. Everett Koop
Lackloss
White-Devil
Aureliano Buendia
Ogianres
Slaan
Viva El Macho
Slanted floors
mecharick
loquacius
Masked Huzzah
Dominic Hokage
McFetus Burger
Ripping Yarns
Khad
Sighence
McSlave
Huszsersvn
Imperial Guard
Bloody
Trompe le Monde
Agean 90
dipwood
Censorship Nazi
Poil
Alcalde McQueso
El Sid
Cousarr
Fellblade
Ganglor
Koorisch
Lord Nelson
Teledahn
Dareon
Pozzette
Grey Area
Manuel Calavera
Agean 90
dipwood
Atsushogob
Kgummy
Pale Horse
Grand Mystic
Shimeran
Tecman
Taschenrechner
Gerblyn
a dog
Busted Box (broken box)
Vaga 42 Bond
Shadow Ninja 64
Deadmeat 5150
Forksy (Spoonsy)
100% Jesus Free
Amok
Commissar Mega
Turos Kensei
Calic2 (Calicoo)
kelvron
Anaxite
rabbit of doom (Bunnyofdoom)
Warped Lichen
Kant N Cthulhu
IAmTheRad
Petashell McQueso (Terashell)
101 Hogs Agree (100 HOGS AGREE)

Tourists

Good-Natured Filth (tourist)
HBNRW (fit-type tourist)
Kuno (pesky foreigner)

Those Who Were Never Tropicans (my apologies)

Ye Olde Butchere (general)
Vox Nihili (faction leader or general)
Lord Baxter (I don't wanna hold a shovel, waaah)
Exasperated Badger (tourist)

Names I Pulled Straight Out of My Ass

Seven, daughter of Chance II and Five
Brown Soda, son of Orange Soda and Haystack
Carmon, daughter of Ramc and Game Dragon 86
Ayizan Velequete, Haitian immigrant
Alfonso McQueso, son of Alcalde and Alya
90 Ropas, son of Santiago Sin Ropa and Agean 90
Captain Hank, son of Hankosha and Captain Aardvark
Putin Russia, daughter of Soviet Russia and Reset (Smith) Russia
Bullet Proof, son of Glazius and Shogeton
Rusty Sanchez, daughter of Rumda and M. Sanchez
Christian Invaders, son of Konstapel and Galaga
Day of Doom, daughter of Bunny and Azzur of Doom
Salamander, daughter of Nano and Slaan
Daughter of Seaver, daughter of Son of Seaver and Tobias Grant
Oppressive Mole, son of Manic Mole and White-Devil
Yama Magus, daughter of Red Magus and Yami (No Senshi)
Papa Legba, Haitian immigrant
Teamy the Teamster, Puerto Rican immigrant
Bahama Mama, Bahaman immigrant
Farmy the Farmer, Puerto Rican immigrant
French Maid, French maid
Ortega the Bum, Puerto Rican immigrant
Ana of Sugar Gables, Spanish immigrant
Filth 2.0, French immigrant
London Farming, English immigrant
Colon the Teamster Master, Puerto Rican immigrant
Frank Team, French immigrant
Ochre Magus, daughter of Red Magus and Yami (No Senshi)
Mercedes Calavera, daughter of Ogianres and Manuel Calavera
Blackstone, son of Tarmph and Stonewall (Jennings)
Eveningrobe Angst, son of Doctor Angst and Dawncloak Angst
P., son of Capskye and C. (Everett Koop)
Deepshoreman, daughter of Alius and Longshoreman (x)
Majmy, son of Hafl and Jammy (Lammy)
Jesus, son of Vlad and THE LORD GOD
Tesla Fox, daughter of Tesa and Taschenrechne Fox
Hernan Dough, son of John Dough and Palloma Dough
Slutty Burns, son of Skanky Burns and (Jorge "Ass-crack" Haddassimo) Burns
Kublai Tron, Spanish immigrant and wife of Genghis
Bahama Behemoth, Bahaman immigrant
Bossy Rossi, Italian immigrant and wife of Franciszek Rossi
Yakov, USSR immigrant
Danny le Banker, French immigrant
Teamov the Teamster, USSR immigrant
Emy Tias, English immigrant
Puerto Frico, Puerto Rican immigrant
Emmy Bias, English immigrant
Red Brown, English immigrant
Gabe Ritter, German immigrant
Bet Rias, Puerto Rican immigrant
Farmov the Farmer, USSR immigrant
Papa Loco, Haitian immigrant
John D'oh, US immigrant
Lucy Desi, Cuban immigrant
Toirdhealbhach Thomas, English immigrant
Lady Francoise, French immigrant
Yuri Teamster, USSR immigrant
Klaus Farmer, German immigrant
Bakin Jamacan, Jamacan immigrant
Pasha Farmov, USSR immigrant