Part 5: With a Fair, Democratic Government
Update 4: With a Fair, Democratic Government
Please stand by for this very important message from our Great Leader, Voodoo Pizzaman.
(Backup)Thank you for listening. And now, welcome to TNN’s Very Special Broadcast with me, Juanito! I must apologize for being so late, but we had to make certain that the election results were final before beginning our broadcast to the world at large.
As usual, I shall start with the world news. On one side of the Iron Curtain, it seems as though the Egyptian dictator’s decision to nationalize their Suez Canal did not please the English very much, who were looking forward to denying the Russians access to the Canal once again. Although the Canadians have calmed the situation down, the Israelis still control the peninsula. Meanwhile, it seems that being denounced in the middle of congress did Senator McCarthy no favors, as he has apparently died from drinking too much! It is lucky El Presidente cares for his people, as there is no place for us to get a decent drink on the island.
Meanwhile, the Soviets have been too busy firing things into space to bother with anything aside from putting down the occasional uprising. Can you see me way up there, Comrade Sputnik? I can hardly believe that there could be something so very far above our heads! There is even talk of putting someone on the moon. I think it looks much too small to stand on, and anyone up there will very likely fall off and break his neck!
Down here on Tropico, things are going very well. The pineapple farm especially has been creating much profit for us, and both the United States and the Soviet Republic have decided that we should be very good friends. It is amazing what a few tenements and some health care will get you!
With the election just around the corner, some people were getting particularly excited about the possibility of voting, and asked if Voodoo Pizzaman would mind holding them early. El Presidente told them to be patient and adhere to the constitution, which had by then dried out.
Meanwhile, although a large number of women had successfully graduated and become teachers, there were very few Tropicans who wished to get an education. El Presidente asked his aide why so few were willing, and Penultimo explained that students did not earn any money. While this is not a very bad problem since Tropicans get free food, health care, worship, and education, rent on the housing is not free, so students are forced to live in dirty shacks while they learn.
The aide then described a social security program which would give both students and the elderly a living wage. As the number of elderly and student citizens is low, El Presidente decided it was worth the investment. This is also very good because all Tropicans respect El Presidente for giving this money to the old. After all, we shall all be too old to work eventually. Excluding those who work themselves to death, of course.
In other news, the construction worker who became very lost eventually found his way to the beach site, allowing our tourists to have some place interesting to go. The other attraction was not built yet, so I will not bother to say who won just yet.
Towards the end of ’56, the number of protests increased. Mr. Pizzaman was very taxed in trying to reach each protest and say strange things into the ears of the women in charge.
The palace guard was also still complaining about their positions, so El Presidente decided to raise their pay once again.
As he did not want to pay them very much more, El Presidente also decided to have the construction workers build Tropico’s very first apartment.
Also, as you can see in the background, the cathedral was very near to completion at this point. The cathedral has been dedicated to Saint Gerard, the patron saint of pregnancy. No expense was spared in its construction, and I hear there have been several underground vaults built underneath the main level. None of the native Tropicans have been let in these vaults as of yet, but I am sure this is just a safety precaution.
I must admit, however, that some of the artwork in the worship area is kind of strange. I have never seen “Gerard” spelled “Gede” before.
Voodoo Pizzaman also decided to bring in a foreign cardinal to lead the church, again sparing no expense. I am told that El Presidente is a personal friend to the man who was brought in. Juanito is glad to see our Great Leader so interested in our spiritual well being!
As for the apartment, El Presidente considered it of the highest importance, and even went to help out the construction personally. You can see him running towards the building at the top of this photo. I am certain that the palace guards constant playing with their assault rifles had nothing to do with El Presidente’s urgency.
Finally, in ’57, the upcoming election was announced, and El Presidente gave the speech which we played at the beginning of this broadcast. Lamanda, then a teacher with moderate standing in the Communist and Capitalist factions, ran against Voodoo Pizzaman, but I do not hold this against her.
As you can recall from the speech, El Presidente decided to take the moment to address the population’s religious concerns. It is believed that this speech swayed many Tropicans to voting for him. I know I for one am looking forward to seeing the regular church built.
At last, the apartment was finished, and the palace soldiers were encouraged to move in. El Presidente’s cardinal friend was also permitted to live there, and with space for six families, there was certainly enough room for all five.
Of course, to be on the safe side, Mr. Pizzaman decided to help them move personally.
Here you can see Santiago Sin Ropa, El Presidente’s friend from France. Although he grew up in the Old World, he says that his family is originally from Haiti, which would explain their association. Mainly it is he and the other Haitians who go into the basement area of the church. I do not know why exactly, as most services are still conducted in the main chamber.
Finally, it is time to reveal the results of the vote. It was just after we had finished counting the letters you, the people of the world, had so graciously sent in that El Presidente entered the TNN office and announced that we would be building a cabaret. Juanito informed him that the people of the world, too, had voted overwhelmingly for a cabaret, and that even I was among their number. Hearing this, El Presidente laughed very deeply and for a long time. One thing led to another, and now…
Now we have two cabarets! Thank you, people of the world. Thank you.
Soon after the two cabarets were built, the election was held. A fun time was had by all, as it is not every day that we are permitted to take a day off to color in little boxes.
And of course, once the votes were counted and the improper votes disqualified, the people were shown to have voted overwhelmingly in El Presidente’s favor! Some of the Intellectuals seemed to think that not all of the improper votes should have been declared such, but they are few in number, and not many of us bother to listen to them.
And now, our special—
¿Señor Juanito?
¿Ahora qué?
Los constructores se ha terminado El Proyecto.
Oh? Oh! People of the world, allow me to end this broadcast with a particularly special announcement! Work has now finished on Tropico’s very first factory!
Please watch your local tobacco shops for the new Tropican brand cigars!
And now, our special segments.
It was decided that for this broadcast, we would find out what the construction workers spend all day doing instead of working.
Longshoreman, formerly Longshoreman X, is seen here walking over to the corn field to pick her family a set of meals. Longshoreman is an English woman who has married Rico, currently one of our faithful palace guardsmen, and they have very recently had a child named Alius. Because of this, she is permitted to live in the apartment complex. She is a moderate Intellectual and a strong Religion supporter, and her three primary concerns are with entertainment, liberty, and job satisfaction. She has not had a formal education, and she has tested as uniformly below average.
Here we see Longshoreman talking with one of her husband’s coworkers instead of doing anything useful at all. TNN quickly grew tired of expecting her to do anything productive, and so our segment ends here.
Today, we shall meet the Militarist faction.
While the numbers seem rather large, this is only because our nation has grown so much over the last two years. The Militarists still trail behind both the Communists and the Religious in members.
The Militarists are easy to satisfy so long as our island’s military supremacy is not in doubt. While they would prefer it if we had an armory (and the generals who come with it), they are satisfied so long as they think the soldiers both outnumber the rebels and are sufficiently large for our population. Four soldiers may be enough for 100 people, but I expect that they will ask for more as that number increases.
Finally, there is the vote you have all be waiting for. While we have now built one factory, there are several more which could be added.
A lumber mill can process our logs into more profitable lumber, and later we may build a furniture factory to use our lumber to create expensive, hand-machined imports for the discerning Americano.
A distillery would turn our sugar crop into liquid cash. There is very much money to be made from exporting Caribbean rum.
Last, there is the cannery, which can turn our already profitable pineapples into cans of acidic fruit, which last much longer and cost less to transport, giving us extra money. This factory can also process fish and coffee if we decide to expand further, although it will not make as much as rum on its own.