Part 9: With a Working Prison
Update 8: With a Working Prison
Good morning, people of the world! It is your old pal, Juanito! Please stand by for the voice of our Great Leader.
(Backup)As you can tell, Mr. Pizzaman has once again held elections. But before I go into the details, I believe I have some world news to provide.
The governments of the major countries have undergone some quiet changes from what I hear. Although Presidente Johnson has been reelected, a Mr. Brezhnev has taken over from Khrushchev in Russia. Also, both powers do not seem as interested in nuclear weapons as the once were, as both have determined that they have enough for now. You can only blow up the world so many times before it becomes tacky, I suppose. In its continuing bid to refuse any help from the USSR, China has tested its own nuclear weapons, and becomes the fifth country to have them.
Smaller governments have not been so lucky, however. Presidente Goulart of Brazil has been overthrown by his soldiers, who believe he was being far to Communist for the Western Hemisphere. As if to prove them right, US forces invaded the Dominican Republic just one year later to prevent a Communist uprising. They have also sent soldiers to Vietnam after saying their destroyers were attacked. Hopefully, both incidents will end soon. I know our little government in Tropico is looking more and more stable as time goes on!
This brings me back to the election news. El Presidente was feeling bored last year, so he decided to hold the elections after seven years instead of eight. I do not know why we waited so long last time, as “seven” is very clearly painted on the white spot in the Constitution. I do not know how we could have gotten this wrong the first time!
Mr. Pizzaman has also found a few posters left over from our last El Presidente when we were cleaning out a storage room for our new, giant treasury. Mr. Pizzaman says that he likes the spirit of the poster, but he cannot use it thanks to the large picture of the old El Presidente right in the middle.
You have already heard the election speech given by El Presidente. With more churches on the island, there were certainly more things to talk about!
Mrs. C., formerly C. Everett Koop before her marriage to Capskye, is the lovely lady who decided to run against El Presidente. Juanito can certainly understand why she had so much support! *Catcall* Sadly, she is one of the showgirls who works at El Presidente’s private cabaret. Had she worked at the public stage, she might have received more support. She did not seem very sad to see her numbers so low, however.
A third hotel was built early in ’64, as there are many attractions and still few tourists to overcrowd them. In related news, El Presidente was glad to hear that the people of the world had chosen the power plant for our latest project, as it “saved him some trouble.” Since the American blueprints made the plant so cheap, I imagine that he was complimenting the world on giving him a bargain!
In interviewing many people on the island, TNN has found that many of them still do not have enough religious satisfaction, so a second church was built. I cannot say for certain, but I believe that El Presidente’s constant speeches where he eats glass and rubs his face with chili rum make Tropicans seek the advice of God more often. Juanito certainly loves to go as often as he can!
Tropicans love God so much that one of the construction workers decided to join the clergy immediately after the church was built! Perhaps Five’s back problems will go away now that he can ask God personally for help.
The wealthy tourists have come to love our island, it seems. Tropico certainly loves the wealthy money right back!
The election ended just as everyone suspected, with massive support for Mr. Pizzaman as El Presidente. The Intellectuals were angry once again at El Presidente’s counting methods, but no one pays attention to them anyway.
After the first year of operation, Tropico’s college has finally been producing results. Mr. Rutkowski was our first native graduate, and his taking over of the botanical garden has been a hit among our wealthy tourists!
Sadly, our construction workers decided to be extra lazy these past two years, and so little was built. With few job openings, many immigrants could not find work, so El Presidente decided to close the borders before more jobless American immigrants could become a drain on Tropican society. Since we are an island, closing ourselves off from the outside is remarkably easy.
Oh yes, during the past years, one Mr. Policenaut brought himself to El Presidente’s attention, thanks to how subservient and self-depreciating he was.
Mr. Pizzaman decided that Policenaut would be a perfect control group for a new method of imprisonment he had developed.
He also wanted to get everyone who did not respect him much to enter the experiment, but it turned out that everyone had a very good opinion of him already!
So instead, our Great Leader decided to fix our unemployment problem!
Tropico is lucky to have a Presidente as great as Voodoo Pizzaman.
At the very end of ’65, El Presidente decided to get the other development package from the USSR. Tropico has been growing rapidly, and cheap tenements will pay for themselves very quickly.
Finally, since I have received requests for large pictures of our island, I shall end the main portion of the Very Special Broadcast with three such photos.
This is the downtown area of the island. In the back, you can see a second garage, since the first has been getting overcrowded.
This is a shot of the tourist center of the area. There are many hotels, but our attractions still have more than enough room for all of our visitors.
Finally, this is the industrial district. You can see that the power plant has been built, but sadly no engineers have yet graduated to staff it. Perhaps I will have better news for you next time.
And now, the special segments.
Today’s subject of Adopt a Tropican Corner is Mr. Orange Soda!
Mr. Soda is one of Tropico’s new police officers. He keeps us safe from the despicable criminal element, or at least the members of such who do not hide out in the jungle.
Mr. Soda is a family man, having married Haystack Soda several years ago and fathered two children, Holistic Detective and Barry Badrinath.
It is the police officer’s job to drive around downtown and look angrily at everyone who makes eye contact with him. Mr. Soda is very good at his job.
His shift done, Mr. Soda turns in his keys and goes about his business. We would issue guns to the officers, but El Presidente does not believe in giving weapons to more people than he has to.
El Presidente thanks you for your support, Mr. Soda!
Now, welcome to our new segment, Meet a Superpower! This segment will only last for two broadcasts, but I think our relationship with the East and West is important enough to discuss.
The USA is our closer neighbor, and as such, it can be very important to keep them happy, unless we want to see what happened to the Dominican Republic happen here. Thankfully, they already like us thanks to El Presidente’s Capitalist roots, and his ability to please the island’s Capitalists may be the biggest single factor to pleasing the US. Our very wealthy exports may also have something to do with US support, although they are still a little angry that we sent them Richard Nixon.
If you look closely, you will also see that the US (and the USSR) are no longer giving us any foreign aid! Apparently, having over $100,000 in the treasury means that we are doing too well for them to send us any money. El Presidente has expressed his disapproval at this policy, but as he then went to the treasury to take his daily swim, I am not sure he really minds.
Now it is time for the vote.
Once again, the vote is over presidential edicts, but today the subject is social programs. As you can see, the literacy program and social security are still in effect. I suppose you can vote to have them lifted, though I do not see why.
Enabling a prohibition will mean shutting down the rum factory, and we will not be able to build any night clubs or pubs. Crime will likely go up significantly thanks to the illegal booze money, but production will go up with everyone sober, and the Religious Tropicans will love El Presidente for his morals.
Food for the People will give everyone double rations, which will make everyone much happier about their meals. Obviously, this will also be a strain on the ability of the corn farms to keep everyone fed.
If we ban contraceptives, we will certainly please the Religious faction, and birthrates will skyrocket. The Intellectuals do not appreciate children so much, though, and all the pregnant mothers will be unable to work as much.
Oh yes, it seems I owe an apology to all those who are gay in the audience. You see, I did not understand before that “gay” is talking about the person and not the event. Are not all weddings gay, after all? But of course happy people should be allowed to marry! I have also heard them called “same sex weddings,” which I believe means that you can only have—erm—“whoopee” with the same partner. Juanito thinks this sounds boring, but I must not be gay enough to understand. Maybe that is why I am still single.
¡Volver a la votación!
¿Qué? Oh! Excuse me, people of the world. Anyway, you cannot vote for letting the happy people marry, because El Presidente has forbidden it, stating that “now is not the time for such an edict.” Perhaps if we were a more liberated island, we could do so. So sorry, happy people of the world. You can still be gay elsewhere!
The next on the list is an anti-litter ordnance. This will help clean up the residential parts of the island, but giving the police an extra excuse will not help very much with our sense of liberty.
You can also vote for wiretapping, which means that our landlords will install “taps” into all our phones. I am not sure what it is tapping, although I hear that the ladies of El Presidente’s private cabaret will appreciate the effort. I hope the taps will contain beer.
Finally, you can ask for police sensitivity training. This will teach our officers such manners as making sure to shout, “You are under arrest!” before issuing the beatings. As such, the people will feel much less oppressed than usual.
Oh yes, there is one extra thing. Do you remember the election poster from earlier in the broadcast? Well, El Presidente believes that you, the people of the world, can create a poster just as good for his next campaign! If someone is able to make this poster with his portrait and the same motto, he says he is prepared to issue “adequate compensation” to the one who does so. So please vote for one and only one social edict, and make that poster for El Presidente! I would like to remind everyone that a portrait of Voodoo Pizzaman was attached to TNN’s very first broadcast.