Part 13: Do Not Worry About our Rebels

Update 12: Do Not Worry About our Rebels

Greetings once again, people of the world! I am, as always, Juanito, greeting you from the safety and security of the presidential palace of Tropico! It seems that choosing military modernization was a very good decision on your part. Ah, but first I must tell you all what has been going on with you!

Presidente Nixon has decided that after decades of pretending they do not exist, the US should actually visit China sometime. He also says he can end the war in Vietnam, although he is certainly taking his time.

More locally, Presidente Allende of Chile has been overthrown by a coup d’état led by our old friend, Mr. Pinochet. There are many who claim that Pinochet was backed by the Americanos, but there are many more who do not care, as Presidente Allende was very bad for the economy. Also, the Egyptians have finally become sick of losing, and have signed a ceasefire agreement with Israel and the US.


Upon hearing of the people’s decision, our El Presidente moved immediately to fund more modern weapons and equipment for the military. We were able to buy some American guns since they were pulling out of Vietnam, plus they were kind enough to throw in a real tank for free! I believe they called it a “Sherman.” It does not seem to run at all, but it looks very impressive parked in the army base.


El Presidente also decided to commission a few new buildings for this two-year term. A newspaper was built next to the hospital, as Mr. Pizzaman has come to realize that tourists still wish to read the world news even on vacation. Plus the fact that we Tropicans at large can finally find out what is happening in the world is an added bonus!


A marketplace was also constructed near the population center so people will not have to walk so far to get food.


Sadly, it was built too late for three Tropicans. All of us hope that the new corn fields will help very much with the problem.


Recently, El Presidente made the mistake of walking down the alleyways by the tenements, and almost fainted from the stench.


For this reason, he has enacted the anti-litter ordinance, which “encourages” Tropicans to actually take their trash out to the ocean and dump it properly. As usual, beatings and shooting on sight are the standard penalties.


However, Penultimo managed to convince El Presidente that being shot for littering may be the very last straw for many Tropicans. As such, he now requires the police officers and soldiers to undergo sensitivity training, since knowing the sensitive spots on the human body makes interrogations and beatings go much more quickly, allowing our citizens to return to the streets much faster.


In July of ’72, the rebels finally became desperate enough to attack us directly, in spite of being heavily outnumbered! The target was El Presidente’s private cabaret, as they apparently felt it was a symbol of Mr. Pizzaman’s decadence. I believe it is a symbol to aspire to, but the traitors do not think as I do.


The generals and soldiers alike were mobilized into action.


…And for some reason, they decided to approach from behind the hotel.


Calicoo was the first casualty. We shall all remember your sacrifice!


Thankfully, his death was avenged immediately, as the anarchist Bunny of Doom fell to our army’s new weapons.


By the cabaret itself, Voodoo Pizzaman himself stood guard, along with several other soldiers. Heli Turtle the Betrayer stood no chance.


Sadly, neither did BOrange Fury.


Finally, after much more shooting, the final rebel fled back into the woods. It seems we have not heard the last of Revenant Threshold.


In December of that year, someone finally remembered to ask the IHO whether the island was still under quarantine, seeing as how no one had even noticed any llama flu breakouts. It seems that the IHO had forgotten us completely, and had merely claimed the flu to protect against a budget cut! At least we can let immigrants in again.


This was especially good news because the lack of workers has been undermining the export economy. With so many new, high-paying jobs opening on the island, the industrial jobs have been understaffed, especially the teamsters and the farmers. Because of this, much less has been exported than usual. In fact, if we did not have such a good tourism business going, we might have had to worry about our income!


Also, for showing up to the battle even though he was too late to actually do anything, our general Dthulhu was given an award by El Presidente himself.


It is believed that all our soldiers will become happier knowing that El Presidente cares about them.


Speaking of El Presidente, a replica of his childhood home has been opened in the tourist district! Now Tropicans and tourists alike will be able to see what it was like to be a young El Presidente (apparently, it involves much grave digging and many suggestive comments). Plus Mr. Pizzaman assures us that all the profits will be donated to a good cause! He is such a generous Presidente.

But now it is time for our special segments!



With so many new attractions to lure in the tourists, it is time once again to focus on a visitor to our beautiful island: HBNRW!


Mr. HBNRW is from the United States, and came alone to rent one of the beautiful rooms at the Hotel Paradise.


After checking in, he went to see the funny gibberish and poorly-made plates our immigrant natives could provide for him.


He liked it very much, from what he told us.


Also, in spite of weather and the rebel attack happening not two blocks away, HBNRW decided to go relax along the beachfront.


Thank you for your time and money, Mr. HBNRW! We hope you enjoyed our honesty.



On today’s Meet the Paperwork, I have decided to show off the other sorts of lists in the big book of numbers.


After all, it is possible to sort the population by more ways than simply by faction. Here you see everyone’s pay levels. As you can see, the generals are paid far more than any other Tropican, as well they should be. They have a tank!


Sorting based on happiness can help El Presidente detect who might want to defect to the rebel cause. Not that any right-thinking Tropican would, of course.


Sorting Tropicans by age helps TNN find the babies who need to be renamed. It also lets us know that with over 25% of the population below the age of 13, we are in no need of a contraceptive ban!


The tourists can also be sorted by our big book. Making sure that most of them think very highly of the island is very important.


Making sure that plenty of wealthy tourists who can spend much money here is also very important.


Then there is the respect levels which the people feel for El Presidente, which—whoops! It looks like there are three Tropicans who do not much like the low liberty here on the island.


But thanks to the properly sorted paperwork, certain countermeasures can be implemented to counter these feelings.


The other two sent to the Reeducation Center were the engineer Mechahamster and the dancer C., who it seems has been taking her role as opposition leader a little too seriously. Until she returns to the community, her position in El Presidente’s private cabaret is being filled by the lovely lady Meatbag. Juanito hopes you enjoy your stay!


Our vote this broadcast concerns the airport: to be specific, it is taking a very long time to build. So how do you, the people of the world, think we should handle the problem?

The easiest answer would be to ignore it. It will be built eventually, after all.

The other easy answer is to give up. Do we really need an airport? Is the tourist dock not enough to bring in the foreigners?

We could always try to focus on finishing. With the food and health problems very well solved, it is not like we need to build anything else in the near future.

The last option would be to build another construction yard. The airport and other future buildings will go up much faster, but with so few workers to spare, the underemployment problem at the farms will likely become much worse.

I hope you can help us, people of the world!