Part 1: Udoiana Raunes: Update I - The Wonders of Diazepam
Alright, let's get this show on the road.
We start off with a little bit of a preface to the game.
"Udoiana Raunes" is an adventure game for the PC. It will only run under the following system requirements: Pentium 60 processor, 8 MB RAM, 6 MB available hard drive memory, mouse, Soundblaster compatible sound card.
Ah, the good old days...
The player takes the role of "Udoiana Raunes" (a fusion of "Udo Rau = the teacher of the Gymnasium" and "Indiana Jones") and should try to fulfill the tasks and orders given to him as well as he can in both word and deed.
I like the non-committal tone here. "I guess if you gave your best, that's really the most we could ask for, alright, you get to win the game too".
To clearly state our position: We are anti-revolutionary and anti-fascist. This game ends with a glorious victory over the fascist tendencies.
I suppose that if you don't include such a disclaimer, the police shows up and interrogates you as a potential Nazi agitator.
If the contents should however be problematic for somebody, he may contact me: Stefan Zwanzger, telephone: *number*
I guess that number is probably no longer valid, but eh, might as well err on the side of caution and not write it in text.
To make this game worth playing for everybody that doesn't know our Gymnasium, here is a list of the appearing employees:
- Robert Baumgartner, oil painter and art teacher
- Alois Frank, mathematician
- Dr. Buhmann, former principal
- Heinz Schaffer, vice-principal
- Grimm, secretary
- Wile E. Bauer, second vice-principal
- Bernhard Jablonski, biology lecturer
- Dr. Plodeck, new principal
- Wolf Bauroth, physicist and thinker
- ...and of course Udo Rau alias Udoiana Raunes!
This is by no means a full list of characters, but it is a full list of the characters that are based on teachers and the like from the WHG.
Now, here's the intro text crawl to set up our story.
April 1st, 1999
Students have taken over the Wilhelm-Hausenstein-Gymnasium. The cause was the prevalence of bureaucracy, the apex being when five ace students were required to produce medical certificates for their absence on the 30th of March.
On the 1st of April, at 8:45 AM, a special group of students stormed the secretariat. All the secretaries were immediately executed. The principal and her vice-principal - Karin Plodeck and Heinz Schaffer - were able to escape.
After the students seized power, the teachers were sorted into the following groups:
1. Popular and intelligent
2. Popular and stupid
3. Unpopular and intelligent
4. Unpopular and stupid
Group number four was immediately executed, while groups two and three were put through disciplinary actions.
Finally, the parents' association, the teachers' circles of friends and liaison teachers were disempowered through forced resignation or measures of elimination.
However, after dismantling the school system, the students found themselves in front of a postrevolutionary void.
The unity that had kept the students together was gone. Parties had arisen:
The VSP (Violence Searching Proletarians)
and the BVAJ (Better Visions hAving Intellectuals)
The BVAJ is currently working towards a reorganization of the situation.
The system, however, has been destroyed, and anarchy reigns.
The situation is hopeless... or is it?
Or in short, the students have revolted, shit's fucked, we need to fix it, although we don't know how. And yes, there's a reason the BVAJ is the BVAJ and not the BVAI. That comes later.
And here we are with the game! As you can probably see, we've got a pretty standard point-and-click adventure setup going, with nine verbs to fiddle with on the left, an inventory to the right and a big "menu" button in the middle that allows us to save, load, start over, resume and quit. Standard stuff. The verbs we get to play around with are as follows:
Again, fairly standard stuff. We also have an item in our inventory to start with, the Udoiana Raunes whip.
Use Talk To Walk To Take Give To Look At Pull Take Apart Open
>Look at Udoiana Raunes whip
I love looking at it!
The descriptions aren't exactly going to set the world on fire, but they're usually descriptive, so at least they're doing their job. Also, note the guts that have been spilled over to the left and the skulls in the foreground. Neither seem to be notable enough to warrant looking at. Let's try talking to somebody - how about Wile E. Bauer, the guy scribbling into something over to the right?
>Talk to Wile E. Bauer
- Good morning, my name is Dr. Udoiana Raunes.
- Somebody really needs to clean this place up!
- Mr. Bauer, what are you doing?
Here's what dialogue choices look like - you get up to four different choices to pick from, but usually you can go through everything.
Good morning, my name is Dr. Udoiana Raunes.
Somebody really needs to clean this place up!
I'm noticing a pattern.
Mr. Bauer, what are you doing?
I'm writing expulsions. Thousand of them. Say, could you please copy these forms for me? There's a copy machine back there!
Please copy the expulsions first!
And it looks like we have our first quest! Saving the world through steady bureaucracy, that's the way we do things in Germany! If we talk to Bauer again, all we get is a repeat of the last two lines, so we need to do that first before we can get anywhere with him, it seems. Let's try exploring the room first. There's a door to the left (it's hard to tell, but trust me, it's there)...
>Look at door to principal's office
Damn. I guess that means it's time to do the whole "look at everything" thing. First, our new inventory item:
>Look at expulsion
Any student's nightmare.
>Look at cabinet
The medicine cabinet.
This is the white block thing to the left next to the orange-brownish block. Things are kind of hard to identify at times. We can't open it, because it's locked.
>Look at money
The green thing laying on the desk to the left. We can't take it, because it's stuck.
>Look at copy machine
A functioning copy machine.
This is the kind of turquoise shape with yellow markings to the right of the money. We can't use it, because it requires a coin to use.
>Look at window
A wonderful view of Hoffmann's half-destroyed school yard.
Not sure who Hoffmann is, he hasn't been mentioned yet. Also, we're not going to be seeing the aforementioned view.
>Look at pen
The secretary's pen. It has already signed thousands of fake sick notes!
This is the black line to the left of Grimm, the secretary. We can't take this because Raunes doesn't want it. Suit yourself, I guess.
>Look at Grimm/Wile E. Bauer
It's what's inside that counts.
That's an oddly philosophical sentiment coming out all of a sudden. I guess it saves from having to write descriptions for people.
>Look at black box
Sick notes! I hate sick notes! And I hate secretaries that savor their power when signing them to the very last bit.
This is the box to the right of Grimm. Again, we can't actually do anything with it. Finally, there's a door to the right as well.
>Look at door
It's what inside that counts.
What? Looks like something got mixed up here. Let's try something different...
This isn't a thing I can open.
OK, Raunes, you're fucking with me here. This is a door, very much a thing that can be opened. We can't pull the door either, and we can't use it because "use" is "use X on Y", not just "use X". Guess we'll come back to this later.
>Talk to Grimm
- I want to be excused.
- I thought all the secretaries were executed.
- Mrs. Grimm! Good morning!
- Mrs. Grimm, I need some money for the copy machine.
I want to be excused.
Please get in touch with the newly appointed school administration.
I guess with the revolution and all, she doesn't exactly have a lot of power left.
I thought all secretaries were executed.
All the others! The execution squad missed me.
- That's so romantic!
- Oh god, look! The VSP is coming to get you!
That's so romantic!
You have a rather open imagination when it comes to romance!
Well, that went nowhere. The other option has some actual utility, but we'll get to it when we need it.
Mrs. Grimm! Good morning!
Mrs. Grimm, I need some money for the copy machine.
Sorry, but the remaining money is needed in other places.
So we have somebody that has money, but we can't get to it. Damn. There's also money laying on the desk, but we can't take it because it's stuck. Hm, but maybe...
Leave that there!
I guess it was obvious she was going to protest that. If only we had a way to get her out of the way for a bit. And it just so happens to be that we do have that option!
I thought all secretaries were executed.
All the others! The execution squad missed me.
Oh god, look! The VSP is coming to get you!
This causes her to duck for cover behind the desk and look right at the door to the right, which means...
Yoink! Only problem is that those are bank notes, and we need a coin. Grimm pops back up after nothing happens for a while, so let's ask her.
>Give money to Grimm
Could give me some change for this?
Strange, this money seems familiar. Alright, here you go!
And now we have a coin!
>Use coin with copy machine
>Use expulsion with copy machine
Hey, the copy machine ate up the expulsions!
Erm, why is an angel suddenly floating down?
Do not fear, my son! I am the ghost of Wilhelm von Humboldt, the creator and pioneer of the newhumanist education system. I have been watching you for 200 years and had to watch as you sold out my ideals to bureaucracy and the proletariat. The revolution was inevitable. But there is a way to once again revive the system in its whole original freshness: Find the holy stones, my son, that have been passed down from generation to generation between those in charge at schools, and bring them together, so that the purpose of my bygone existence be hallowed. May the force be with you!
And with that, he just flies off-screen again. I think we need to have a talk with the secretary again - Bauer has nothing to say, he just repeats the same thing even though the stuff we were supposed to copy is now destroyed in the copy machine. He's being kind of an uncooperative dickbag here.
- What is it with these three holy stones?
- Mrs. Grimm, I've stolen money from you!
- Do you believe in ghosts, Mrs. Grimm?
- A higher power demands reform, Mrs. Grimm!
Now that we've progressed in our quest (progressed in the way of actually having the quest now), we get new things to talk about.
Mrs. Grimm, I've stolen money from you!
Well, then give it back!
- But I can't!
- But I want to keep it!
Regardless of what you say here, you get the same answer, that being...
Please spare me your drivel!
Do you believe in ghosts, Mrs. Grimm?
No. I'm a secretary. I have both feet on the ground.
A higher power demands reform, Mrs. Grimm!
What do you want to reform?
- No more penetrating stares when being excused from school!
- No more chronically choleric secretaries!
- No more PE teacher privileges for being excused from school!
- Cleaning ladies with doctorates!
That's in our blood. We can't change that.
No more chronically choleric secretaries!
That's in our genetics! Learn to live with it!
No more PE teacher privileges for being excused from school!
We really should change that!
Cleaning ladies with doctorates!
I know. We've been discussing that a lot here. However, there is a lack of Slovenian cleaning ladies with PhDs!
However, all of that is just side stuff, the real meat lies in the first option.
What is it with these three holy stones?
The three School Regulation Stones - short: SRS - have been distributed to the three most influential executive organs of the school for the longest time: The principal, their second-in-command and a third confidant. Mrs. Plodeck and Mr. Schaffer have one each, and the third is in the hands of Mr. Buhmann. They are used to restore order within the school. By god, you're right! We could make it with their help!
This prompts her to slam her fist on the desk, which makes a very important change happen. You might have noticed it. We'll get to that later.
- And where can I find them?
- Could you please get these stones for me?
Saying "thanks" just ends the conversation, so that's no good.
Could you please get these stones for me?
Do you really want this adventure to end so soon?
- No, never.
- This game by Stefan Zwanzger and Thomas Wagner is brilliant! No!
- How could I? I've got nothing better to do anyway.
- If I wanted to do that, I could just quit the game.
And any option just ends the conversation. I guess that's no good either, we still need to know where to look.
And where can I find them?
Mr. Buhmann is working as an archaeologist in Crete, Mrs. Plodeck is currently in the Himalaya-Hilton in Nepal. Mr. Schaffer's current whereabouts are unknown.
Well, two out of three ain't bad. However, there still is the small problem of "we're stuck in this room with no way out". But first, we have something new to grab - after Grimm slammed her fist on the desk, that caused two things to happen. One, the pipe over to the right fell over, which means nothing. Two, the medicine cabinet on the left opened, and from there...
>Take bottle of Valium
We grab the blue container, and we now have a whole bunch of Valium. We can't take it ourselves, we can't give it to Grimm, and we can't give it to Bauer either, so for now, we're not using it. Next up, we need to take another look at the door to the right - if we walk towards it instead of looking at it or trying to open it...
The door is locked.
I want to get out of here!
Talk to Mrs. Grimm!
Do you have a key for the door to outside?
I don't. Mr. Bauer has one. I have to warn you, however: The VSP has posted guards out in the hallway!
Do you have a key for the door?
Mr. Bauer says "no".
Now, from that, we're supposed to gather that Bauer has a key, but he doesn't want to hand it over. Apparently, this annoys Udoiana greatly, because we can now do something we couldn't before...
>Use bottle of Valium with Wile E. Bauer
So Udoiana just proceeds to take the entire bottle and shove it straight down Bauer's throat. Because I guess that's going to solve our problem. Well, it turns out that yes, that will indeed solve our problem.
Now that Bauer is high, he'll periodically swing his arms around. When he does so, it reveals that there's a key in his pocket - yes, that grey-ish thing there is supposed to be a key. It could have been a fucking fork for all I could tell, but whatever. So we wait for him to start swinging his arms...
>Use key with door
And there we are, we just made it through the first room! This seems as good a place as any to take a break - next time, we'll be talking to these inviting looking fellows and explore the Gymnasium further.
Recap: We started out getting bossed around by another teacher to do some more paperwork. In order to do that paperwork, we had to fool the secretary into thinking somebody was coming to murder her, then steal her money and have her exchange that same money for change because we need a coin, not a bill. The paperwork was then eaten by the copier, but that's not a problem, because the ghost of Wilhelm von Humboldt gave us our quest to find the Sankara Ston- I mean the School Regulation Stones. We brought this up to the secretary, which made her bang her fist against the desk, which opened the medicine cabinet. We took some Valium out of the cabinet and proceeded to stuff the entire fucking bottle straight down the other teacher's throat. That made him drugged-up enough that we could steal the key for the door from him and actually leave the room.