Part 3: Udoiana Raunes: Update III - Become A Geography Teacher, They Said...
Alright, we emerged bleary-eyed to the wide world available to us - as long as your perception of the world is Crete, Nepal and a quite vague location only known as "the Amazon". I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing at this point, so let's just get going with the closest one, Crete. We were told one of the people we're looking for is there, so that's as good a place to start as any.
And here we are - Crete! In particular, we seem to have arrived at the archaeological dig site that Buhmann is working at. Time to look around!
>Look at palace entrance (the doors at the top)
I'm not allowed in.
>Look at Minoan vase
A replica by Sir Arthur Evans.
Why is there a replica vase that would have had to be made several decades ago here? I get the connection between Evans and archeology on Crete, but that's still a strange thing to throw in there.
>Look at child-size shovel (over to the right, in green)
A handy little sandbox shovel.
>Look at shovel piece
A scruffy fragment of a shovel.
Not a lot around here, so I guess we'll cut to the chase.
>Talk to Dr. Buhmann
- Good afternoon, Mr. Buhmann, I just came here from the WHG.
- Mr. Buhmann, in the name of the WHG, I would like to...
- Say, do you still have your School Regulation Stone?
- Dr. Buhmann, how's the dig going?
Good afternoon, Mr. Buhmann, I just came here from the WHG.
I want nothing to do with that now.
Mr. Buhmann, in the name of the WHG, I would like to...
I want nothing to do with that now.
Say, do you still have your School Regulation Stone?
I want nothing to do with that now.
Somebody does not want to deal with this shit at all.
Dr. Buhmann, how's the dig going?
Alright, thanks for asking.
Regardless of what you say, you also get the following:
Oh, by the way, could you put back this Minoan screwdriver in the display case on the first floor? Thanks.
And that gets us a new item! And as we all know, tools are very vital in point-and-click adventures, they can do all sorts of great stuff!
>Look at Minoan screwdriver
A 5000 year old screwdriver.
Also, if you pick any of the three first options after you've gotten the screwdriver, you get this:
I want nothing to do with that now. ...unless...
- Unless WHAT?
- Alright, forget it.
Don't be so pushy!
Alright, forget it.
Unless you were to get me a Theban pearl from Egypt.
Alternatively, if you were to pick the last option after getting the screwdriver:
Alright, thanks for asking. If I had a Theban pearl from Egypt, I'd be doing better.
So to sum up, all this was to give us the next part of our quest - find a pearl in Egypt and bring it to Buhmann in exchange for his School Regulation Stone. We can only presume the other two will require similar fetch quests to acquire. That's all we have to do in Crete for now, but before we go, we have something to grab:
>Take child-sized shovel
I'd never do something like that!
...what? What's the holdup here? Is it because it's a toy, and you might be stealing from a kid? Is it because it's a toy, and you don't want to use it? What's the problem here? Hrm, guess there's only one thing to do now:
>Take shovel fragment
And yoink. I guess we still need a second part to make this a proper shovel, but somehow I have the suspicion we're going to run into one fairly quick.
With our business in Crete done, we return to the map to find a new location has opened up - Egypt! Not sure how exactly we instantly know where we have to go to find what we need. I guess it's those geography teacher / archaeologist instincts. Guess we might as well just head right there.
And here we are in the pyramid that apparently has what we need or something.
>Look at idol
An idol of an Egyptian god!
While that weird Anubis-looking thing doesn't exactly look like the Theban pearl we want, I guess it's going to end up in it or something. But first, we have something else to pick up.
>Look at wooden staff
A wooden staff: Quality. Wood. Cylindrical.
Sure, let's just make a play off the Ritter Sport slogan. Now...
>Take wooden staff
>Use wooden staff with shovel fragment
And now we have a shovel! Shovels are good, up there with other tools like crowbars and hammers when it comes to adventure game usefulness.
>Look at shovel
This should work!
Good. Now, can we get to this idol without dying?
Nope. Clearly, it wasn't going to be this easy. I guess this is a sign to turn back and gather clues, and we still have two locations to get through.
Next stop - Nepal!
Lots of things going on here. We have a waiter standing to the left, Mrs. Plodeck in the center, and some weird... woman? to the right that spits out a coin when we get closer. We also have plenty of things to look at.
>Look at door (the door with the blue sign above it)
This door leads to the pool.
>Look at Access: Special Interest (the one to the right of the other door)
Special Interest! ...hmmm...
I have no idea if we can get through these doors. For what it's worth, they were locked by the time I left this place. Guess we'll see later.
>Look at shelves (to the left of the pool door)
A precious assortment!
>Look at mirror (all the way to the left)
>Look at bucket
A cleaning lady's bucket.
We can't take the bucket, since the waiter objects to it.
>Talk to waiter
Pardon, but you're not getting in without an ID card.
- Where can I get an ID card?
- No, thanks, I don't want to buy anything.
That's your problem.
No, thanks, I don't want to buy anything.
Of course, the answer here is the card we got earlier.
>Give VIP card to waiter
Thank you, Mr. Hussein. Please come in.
...was that a joke? I guess it's because he's got a big mustache, making him look like Saddam? Anyway, now that we're allowed in...
>Talk to fat lady
- Why do you keep spitting out coins?
- I think you have too much money.
- I think you're a metaphor for something.
- I think you're an allegory for something.
Why do you keep spitting out coins?
I am the cash cow.
I think you have too much money.
I am the cash cow.
I think you're a metaphor for something.
I am a metaphor.
I think you're an allegory for something.
I am an allegory.
O...K? This is getting really weird.
>Pick up slimy coin
>Look at slimy coin
Now, she keeps spitting coins out if you take them, so with my game design hat on, I presume that this will be part of a puzzle you can fuck up - so that you can go and get another coin and try again. No idea what this actually is used for, guess we'll eventually find out.
>Talk to Dr. Karin Plodeck
- Good evening, Mrs. Plodeck.
- Mrs. Plodeck, you look like you're 30!
- There's a three-headed yeti sitting behind you!
- Please give me your School Regulation Stone!
Good evening, Mrs. Plodeck.
It's noon! It's always noon in Nepal! And one more thing: Call me Dr. Plodeck! Always Dr. Plodeck!
Mrs. Plodeck, you look like you're 30!
If you're going to compliment me like that, you might as well just start picking food rests out of my teeth!
Oh, I just remembered I have an important meeting to get to! See you later.
There's a three-headed yeti sitting behind you!
Oh, I know that one!
Please give me your School Regulation Stone!
Did I hear that correctly? YOU want to HAVE MY ORIGINAL School Regulation Stone?
- Pardon me, just a little joke.
- Yes! I want to HAVE YOUR ORIGINAL School Regulation Stone!
Pardon me, just a little joke.
You better hope that's all it was!
Yes! I want to HAVE YOUR ORIGINAL School Regulation Stone!
Well, in that case, you'd probably have to give me a treasure chest filled with high-carat pirate gold in exchange! Haw, haw, haw, haw!
So I guess that means we're literally just going to bring a full chest of pirate gold, slam it down on the table, and hold out our hand expectingly. So far, we're 2 for 2 when it comes to the goal being "get treasure, receive School Regulation Stone".
Finally, let's go check out the Amazon.
And here, we find a hut, an old man, and a bird. Time to look around!
>Look at cave entrance (the one behind Raunes)
It leads deep into the jungle.
>Look at waterfall
The moonlight gives off a romantic reflection in the quietly flowing water.
>Look at toucan
>Look at Henry Raunes Sr. (the old man)
My poor good father.
Of course there was going to be a Jones Sr. in this game.
>Look at sign (in front of the hut)
A name sign made of German plastic.
>Look at television (inside the hut)
>Look at window
>Look at door
The door comes from Germany.
>Look at satellite antenna
A television antenna for receiving satellite TV.
>Look at moon
This is the same moon I've already seen in Munich.
>Look at river (all the way to the right)
There it gently flows.
Now, with all this stuff around, clearly, the next step is to talk to the toucan. Obviously.
>Talk to toucan
Toucans can't talk... right?
He walks over to the toucan, and...
Caw, gold, caw!
Oh, we're really doing this.
- Where, caw, gold, caw?
- Oof, oink, squeal, gold?
- Tzngrmmmm. Gold? Ooompah-pah!
Where, caw, gold, caw?
Where, caw, gold, caw?
Oof, oink, squeal, gold?
Fuznba, fuznba, Gold!
Tzngrmmmm. Gold? Ooompah-pah!
Fuznba, gold, cock-a-doodle-do!
Oh, yes, caw, caw!
Caribbean, monk, unk, unk!
Only the last one gets us further, the others only end the conversation.
Why did I sign up for this again?
- Ongabonga, oof, where, where?
- Excuse me...
- Caw, where exactly, caw, bunk?
Half this shit isn't even onomatopoeia, it's just some random crap.
Ongabonga, oof, where, where?
Caw, oh dear, oh, oh!
Cockroachcock-a-doodledingdong! (Original: Kakerlakedikrikediwal! Seriously, what the FUCK.)
Caw, where exactly, caw, bunk?
Caw, northern hemisphere, caw, 80 degrees longitude, caw!
And there we go. We just got given directions to a Caribbean island by a toucan, and apparently, there's gold there. Because that's how that works. But before that, let's get some quality family time going.
>Talk to Henry Raunes Sr.
- Father, it's good to see you!
- Let's talk, father!
- Father, do you know anything about a certain "Heinz Schaffer"?
Father, it's good to see you!
Father, do you know anything about a certain "Heinz Schaffer"?
Let's talk, father!
What do you want to tell me?
- The tree behind your house seems to be glowing from the inside!
- How has life here been?
- You haven't changed a bit, father!
- Should I get you something from Germany?
The tree behind your house seems to be glowing from the inside!
I've noticed that too. Two months ago, something zoomed past here in the middle of the night. There were the sounds of elephant cries, an Upper Bavarian yodeler and above all a race car going at about 280 km/h, I think. Since then, the tree seems to be glowing. I've already given a UFO alert at the nearest place of authority, but with this uncivilized jungle race...
That'll be enough, father!
Can you tell what they're going for with Henry Raunes here?
How has life here been?
I'm surrounded by idiots! That toucan thing behind you has been sitting there for about four weeks and just stares at me. I'll break its beak some day! And then these degenerate South Americans, that subhuman race. They should be wiped out...
Father, please remember the Geneva Conventions on human rights.
Yeah, yeah, those Swiss.
I'm sure you can tell what they were going for now.
You haven't changed a bit, father!
It's good to hear that. Oh, by the way, Junior, could you please help me with repairing my satellite television set? I've recently installed this satellite dish on my roof so I can finally get German TV channels again, and not this Aborigine-TV! But of course, nothing works around here, since it's not German workmanship...
Alright, alright, father! I'll deal with it.
Should I get you something from Germany?
Please, an autograph from Riefenstahl and a fascist t-shirt.
Henry is referring to Leni Riefenstahl, obviously primarily mentioned here because she was the director of Triumph of the Will and Olympia, two incredibly successful Nazi propaganda movies. I'm only about 75% sure that this is actually a thing we are required to do in order to complete the game. Fixing the TV, however, I'm more sure about being required to beat the game, so let's get on that.
>Use Minoan screwdriver on television
Now that this thing is open, we can move our mouse pointer around, and it shows us a bunch of parts. One is "inconspicuous", one is "long", one is "cold", one is "vibrating", one is "complex", and so on. If we try to do anything with them, Raunes says that he can't do anything because he needs more light, so there obviously is still a puzzle to be solved here, and I don't think we have the necessary parts right now. So I guess we might as well check out that island.
>Go to cave entrance
Raunes proceeds to disappear in the cave, and now follows an uninterrupted segment of different lines coming from him and the active command down at the bottom constantly changing. I have no impact on this, this is just a thing that happens.
Oh! This must be the wrong way!
>Look at green thing
It's a serrated-grating-type green thing.
>Use tapir with boa constrictor
It ate up the tapir.
>Talk with boa constrictor
It's still digesting the tapir.
>Talk with howler monkey
Ooh-ah! No reaction.
>Open ant hill
>Take crocodile out of ant hill
>Give crocodile to three toed sloth
The crocodile bit off its three toes... and it's still sleeping!
>Take apart jaguar
Aaaaaaaaah! Oh, there's the exit to the airport!
...what the fuck just happened? Either that was originally supposed to be a segment that got cut for time or the like, or that was just one big joke, what with all this exciting shit happening and the player not being able to see a single bit of it. Oh well, guess we'll just move on.
EDIT: Thread to the rescue!
The series of actions obscured behind the wall is a Monkey Island thing.
I'm guessing a
copy oftribute to this classic scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1Jtf38I318
Next stop, the Caribbean island we heard about from the toucan.
God damn, that is one tiny island. And it even comes with a conveniently placed X marking the spot! Let's not waste any time.
>Use shovel on mark
SOME TIME LATER
And now we have a hole, but haven't actually dug anything up, so it seems there's one more step between "dig hole" and "get stuff".
>Look at hole
A deep hole. I dug it myself!
Now, the next step lies in getting something that can get stuff out of the hole. To that end...
>Use Udoiana Raunes whip with bucket
And now we have a device for drawing water and presumably other stuff too!
>Look at drawing device
A bucket with a whip affixed to it.
>Use drawing device with hole
OK, now, before we go on, I'd like to point something out. Just bear with me here... this is where it gets weird. Yes, all the shit before that? Not that weird. This is where it really gets weird. So be prepared for some shit.
Whenever we use the device with the hole, we get this little animation, and if there's something left to be brought out, we get the next item in the list. We get, in order...
A specimen of the common, carnivorous deep-see hypochondriac fish.
>Look at deep sea fish
A dead deep sea fish.
A soppy book.
>Look at Micronesian diary
There's nothing in here.
The Indonesian national flag!
>Look at Indonesian flag
The Indonesian national flag.
...a car tire...
A car tire.
>Look at car tire
A German car tire!
...a piece from the Titanic...
Junk from the Titanic.
>Look at Titanic fragment
A part of the helm of the Titanic.
>Look at Russian sonar buoy
The sonar buoy off of a Russian submarine.
Would you look at that, a transistor.
>Look at transistor
A wet combination of semiconductors.
...a fucking rock...
A completely normal, insignificant stone!
>Look at stone
A simple stone.
Interesting, a satellite.
>Look at satellite
The pathetic remainder of an Albanian weather satellite.
...and finally, to cap things off, the severed head of an albatross.
A severed albatross head!
>Look at albatross head
Now, how the fuck do we use these things? I have absolutely no idea! Next time, it'll be the happy happy fun times of rubbing items all over other items until a thing happens!
Recap: We traveled all over the world. First we talked to a former teacher in Crete, who sent us to Egypt to find a pearl, where we went, but not before stealing a shovel fragment because of reasons. Then, in Egypt, we got the second half of the shovel and nothing else. After that, we traveled to Nepal, where we got a slimy coin from some woman who keeps spitting them up and talked to the principal of the school, who told us to go and find pirate treasure. So we went to the Amazon, where we reunited with our Nazi father, got some tasks to fetch some shit for him and fix his TV, and got told the location of some pirate treasure by a toucan. We then traveled to that location, that being a remote island in the Caribbean, and while we didn't find a pirate treasure, we did find every fucking other thing under the god damn sun. And through all of this, I'm not entirely sure if we have even made any actual progress towards our goal of collecting the three School Regulation Stones.