Part 11: Udoiana Raunes 2: Update VI - The Fall Is A Metaphor, You See
So, we've got our marching orders, and those orders take us to London.
Music - London: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dt01BP2X0kY
Here we are, on top of some building with Sean Connery and some girl standing at the ledge. So what can we see?
>Look at swimming pool
That's pure luxury, especially in London.
>Look at rubber duck
My mum gave me a rubber duck like this when I was 14.
>Pick up rubber duck
OK, I really thought that would work. I try using items and stumble across this:
Not yet. I'm not a Jedi.
So now we have not one, but two items we can't use at all. Aces.
>Look at River Thames
Too dirty to jump today.
>Look at Big Ben
Everybody knows it. Everybody has a photo of it.
>Look at London Skyline
A cool sight of London.
>Look at blonde beauty
This beautifully drawn blond lady is my dream.
>Look at Sean Connery
Sean seems to be just before his biggest step.
>Talk to blonde beauty
Thank you very much. I am.
I like the way to stand on the roof.
I practiced it for a long time.
May I practise with you?
Maybe. Are you a modelcaster?
Yes, modelcaster and photographer. Rubenstein is my name.
Oh, great, great! I've heard about you! You're very beautiful, too. I like your smile, your sexy nose and the way you look at me so alluringly. I stay at Dorchester hotel, penthouse room, room nr. 69. I'll await you at 11 pm. Is that too early for you?
Oh god room number 69 are you fucking with me here. Also, this will never go anywhere, as you can clearly see that time never actually advances in this game. Well, time advances in that there is movement, but the sun never moves or anything, so it's like the earth has stood still. Don't think about the implications of that.
Nope, just an adventure game hero.
Did you really practise?
Yes, for twenty-seven days and three hours... on this roof... next to my wonderful film partner Sean Connery... and practice is still going on.
No respect, no respect at all.
Why don't you stop practising? OR How many days will this go on?
I'm waiting for Sean until he feels ready to jump into the River Thames.
I'll do it soon!
Why jump from a roof into a river?
This is the last remaining scene of the brand-new James Bond movie - Too Old To Die Tomorrow - in which Sean rescues me and jumps off the roof.
Do you have to jump with him? You seem Too Young To Die Today!
Yes, I have to. But that's not the problem. The whole team has been waiting for Sean for twenty-seven days and three hours.
So that's our problem - Sean simply doesn't want to make a jump to complete a movie, and as long as that movie isn't completed, he can't work on Indy 4.
Your eyes are like fish in the River Thames at nightfall.
Thank you very much. Are you a modelcaster?
And it goes the same way as above from there.
>Talk to Sean Connery
You seem to be Sean Connery.
I AM Sean Connery. And I don't know you.
What are you doing?
I'm completing the last scene of my latest movie.
For twenty-seven days and three hours.
Sean, why don't you jump off the roof right now?
I'll do it! I'll do it! I'm fit enough!
Why don't you take a stuntman?
I'm young enough to do all stunts by myself!
May I double you?
You could, but I'll do all stunts by myself!
Would you do a fourth Indiana Jones movie after that?
Sure, but first I have to complete this movie with the following stunt, which I'll do by myself.
I get the feeling he's more trying to convince himself than us.
Sean, do you have a problem? OR Please don't jump! Life is not that bad!
Don't bother me. I'm working!
I'm working, too!
I'm working, three!
My grandfather was a chimney sweeper!
I could never be a chimney sweeper!
I have terrible acrophobia.
Oh acrophobia! And you don't worry about your current position?
Don't worry about me, I'm feeling, you know... a little -uh- in a kind... very good.
Is the girl next to you working too?
No, I save her life!
It's just a movie! Don't you see the cameraman in the river? Don't you see the director in the boat? Don't you see the cable guy under the truck? Don't you see the producer in the helicopter?
What exactly are you doing?
We are making a movie! Can't you see that?
I can't see that.
Are you blind? Don't you see the cameraman in the river? Don't you see the director in the boat? Don't you see the cable guy under the truck? Don't you see the producer in the helicopter?
Who's the director? OR What's the title of the movie?
That's top secret!
Where's the director?
Exactly 143 feet beneath us.
And thus, we have come to the first part where I really got stuck. I had no idea how to get Connery to jump or how to get at that rubber duck. And no, "push Sean Connery" wouldn't work - at least I assume it wouldn't, since the solution I found had nothing to do with that. So I went flying around a whole bunch, went to the Skywalker ranch and library, Wyoming and Poland without finding anything. I did the whole "rub a whole bunch of items on things" thing in London and nothing happened either. Then I discovered something else by accident.
Alternatively, you could also get "GREAT JUMP, SEAN! But you are not Sean!". Either way, they're not happy with us just doing the stunt for him. So I fuck around some more, and then this happened.
What the fuck was that? Did they just expect us to try getting the duck in a certain spot, and only accepted that one duck position as the "correct" position to get the duck from? Well, we have the duck now, and that's good.
>Look at rubber duck
It looks like there's something inside. Are rubber ducks able to eat?
>Use nail with rubber duck
Oh, I lanced the duck. But I blunted the nail. But there's something in it: An ugly photo, and an icky ring.
Hm, that photo looks familiar.
>Look at lanced rubber duck
I will repair it in the next Udoiana Raunes game.
>Look at promise ring
There's something engraved: Kocham Cie!
I wonder what that means. Hm. Anyway, it's Polish, which points towards a certain somebody.
>Look at picture
That guy on the photo looks a little eastern european.
>Give promise ring to blond beauty
My old Polish lover gave me this ring. But I used to hide it in my blonde rubber duck because it's not good for business.
>Give picture to blond beauty
Oh, this is my ex-lover from Poland. I always have it with me in my blonde rubber duck. How did you find out?
>Give lanced rubber duck to blonde beauty
You killed my rubber duck! After this stunt is done, I'll kill you.
Yikes. Note that in this case, "give to" means something along the lines of "show to", so we still have the items. Well, off to Poland!
>Give picture to Pole
Cool! You've made a photo of me. But I look ten years younger on it. How did you do that?
>Give promise ring to Pole
Oh my god, this is the promise ring which I gave to my lost love! Where did you find it? Was she there, too?
She's in London with James Bond.
What? Who's that? James Bond?
He's a secret agent for her majesty who always has some really sexy girls around him. She really made it!
She made it with James Bond?!?!?
Cut to black.
...mission accomplished! Let's head back to London.
>Talk to Pole
You did it! You convinced Sean to jump!
He touched my girl all the time! I can't believe it!
May I kiss your girlfriend?
May I convince you to jump, too?
The last one is just the same answer we had before.
>Talk to blonde beauty
How does it feel to be together again?
My career is over, but my love is back.
Actually I wanted to marry you.
I'm not married yet, just promised.
What did you say, darling?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that messing with his girl is a death sentence. Let's head to Tunisia to see if Connery is already there.
>Talk to Dr. Henry Jones Sr.
Sean, I'm glad to see you here!
It's an honor to play Indy's father once again!
Alright, that's one more off the list! Now all we need to do is get Harrison Ford on board, which shouldn't be too difficult now... wait, we still need to figure out the answer to life, the universe and everything or whatever it is. Shit.