Part 18: FAWN - The Sexiest Courtroom Since Phoenix Wright

The Sexiest Courtroom Since Phoenix Wright



"Well, so far everything has been pretty uneventful here."
"Fair travelers!"
"Aaaaaand there it goes."
"Shame, I was enjoying the place before the plot kicked in."
"Greetings, visitors! Thanks to the beautiful songs of the bard Iolo, thou hast found favor in this city."
"I told you guys everybody loves Rush."
"The Lady would welcome thee formally to Fawn. Thou mayest attend her within her throne room at the palace, after noon. Be certain to bring that fellow Iolo with thee -- the Lady doth wish to confer an honor upon him."
"Everybody."



This is the office of Great Captain Joth. I'll spare you talking to him because he just tells us what we've already been told about him multiple times, and he appears now and then during the upcoming event.

Let's rob him instead.



Another scroll. No heavy artillery yet, but since we don't even have the new spellbook yet I guess we can't expect too much.



This crate is sitting wayyyyyyy at the top of the shelves. You'd need to stack barrels and crates to get to it, but it just has a couple pieces of jewelry and a gwani cloak. If gwani cloaks were necessary to keep warm in the north this would be a spot to grab one, but as far as I've been informed in the thread and my own experiences you actually don't. Which is good, because the other free one involves having sex with Brendann and we're so not doing that.



"Alright, we're here at the palace. Iolo, you're with me. Shamino, Dupre, take a smoke break."
"Roger."
"You're the boss."
"Are you sure you don't want the others coming to meet with Lady Yelinda, Steve?"
"No, this is fine."
"But we wouldn't want them to miss-"
"They'd just say something we'd all regret."
"Well, that's true."
"So you'll say it instead."
"What?"
"Nothing!"
"I am so glad that thou hast come -- and thou hast brought the Good Bard Iolo!"
"Hahahahahah oh my God."
"Dear Iolo, our subjects have spoken of that fine ballad which thou didst sing, and thy devotion to thy lost wife hath touched our heart."
"You know that song isn't about him, right? He didn't even write that, Journey did."
"I give thee this White Diamond Necklace, which thou mayest give to thy beloved when thou dost at last find her. It is a twin to mine own, except that mine is of a more subtle hue."
"Thou art too kind, Lady! I thank thee, and shall give it to Gwenno upon our reunion!"
"This calls for a toast. Hail to Beauty!"
"Are you people freaking kidding me?"
"To Beauty!"
"And to love! Let us drink to the virtues of romance and bliss!"
"To bliss!"
"And to good rulers, such as beloved Queen Fawn, who founded our fine society."
"Thou must not forget our distant liege, Lady Yelinda. All hail Lord British and the glory that is Britannia!"
"Oh, my!"
"Milady, this one is allied with that foul fiend, Beast British!"
"This is blasphemy! Jorvin, lock that criminal away and call for a speedy trial. Let this intruder be executed, even as Beast British slew our forefathers during his conquest of Sosaria!"
"Hahahahahahahaahahahah."
"Oh you ass, you totally-"
"Take this!"
"Hahahahha, yes, I totally di-"

And then we got shot by the Wand of Detainment.

Several hours later...



"Oh Lordy. this is just awful. I hope I wasn't having one of those wet dream things."
"Actually, no, it's pretty much exactly what you thought it was. Take a look at the bedside table."



"This may be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."



"And then, and then, Iolo decides it's the proper time to declare allegiance to Lord British. Right in front of the fucking queen or whatever she is."
"He never did have good judgment, did he?"
"I can't help but think it should've been me in there."
"Yeah, but it isn't."
"True."

Actually, for most people it will be Dupre. In what is perhaps the least-known twist on scripted sequences in Serpent Isle, any of your three Companions can be put on trial in Fawn. If you have everyone in the party when you meet Yelinda, it will be Dupre. If you don't have him, it will be Shamino.

And naturally, if you don't have either... well, Iolo gets to go 2/2 on being imprisoned.  But two outta three ain't bad .



"Alright, this is the place, let the show trial commence."
"What makes you think he won't get a fair trial?"
"Are you actually asking me why I think he won't or are you just being your usual sarcastic self?"
"Little from column A, little from column B?"
"I'm sure it will all become clear once we've killed the right person."



Shamino accidentally gets stuck in the double doors and fails to follow us into the courtroom. Not that he has any lines when he's not on trial. In fact, neither Shamino nor Dupre has any lines when they're not on trial; Iolo has a few interjections which he'll make as part of his own self-defense, so it's harder to tell in this version of the trial.

Plus things may get a little different before we're done.

"Bring in the defendant."



"So I take it I'm boned."
"We won't know that until we see the evide-hahahahah yeah."
"Let it be known that Iolo, companion of Avatar, doth stand accused of treason! In blatant disregard for the law, Iolo hath sought to incite rebellion against Lady Yelinda. Worse yet, he doth admit allegiance to that archfiend, Beast British!"



"Well, at least the crowd's on your side."
"I don't think they're cheering for me, Steve."
"Lady Yelinda, as thou dost rule this city, dost thou wish to conduct the questioning?"
"No... I fear that the witnesses might be tempted to spare my sensibilities, instead of reciting the bare facts."
"Wouldst thou wish one of thy Councillors to act in thy stead?"
"Let it be so! As most senior of my Councillors, Voldin always doth have my best interests at heart."
"Oh my God, I was totally not expecting that to happen!"
"Dost thou accept?"



"It would be my pleasure to act on the Lady's behalf. We shall now hear the evidence against the traitor."
"Alleged traitor."
"Ahahahah. Adorable."
"A moment... For the purpose of this trial, it hath been necessary to admit certain disreputable characters into the city -- Namely, those who belong to the organization called The Fellowship, which doth dare to preach contrary to Beauty. I would remind our Fellowship guests that they are here on sufferance, and that they should mind their manners."
"We shall behave ourselves, milord. The Fellowship is an enlightened brotherhood, not a group to be feared."
"We shall see..."



"I call Delphynia to witness before the Oracle. Delphynia, did the accused meet with thee?"
"Yes, Captain. He came with his accomplice, who was seeking a certain magical leaf..."
"Aha! And what didst thou conclude from this?"
"The leaf is known to counteract certain poisons and curses, milord. So I must conclude that the defendant suffers from some sort of malady."
"Perhaps from his association with the Beast! How sinister... I have no more questions. Many thanks for thy service, Delphynia. Return to thy seat, if thou wilt."



"I call Leon to witness before the Oracle."
"Well, at least Leon will be on our side."
"If he doesn't get into a philosophical argument with Voldin and get kicked out again."
"What are the odds of that?"
"Thou knowest that thy presence here is for testifying only. Thou shalt be returned to thy camp immediately after thou hast answered our questions."
"I have no wish to cause disunity in thy city, Captain. I only wish that thou wouldst come to trust me."
"Confine thyself to my questions only, please. What contact hath Iolo had with thee?"
"He came to the Fellowship camp. We spoke privately."
"And no doubt the two of you did compare notes concerning The Fellowship blasphemy. Indeed, is not the traitor secretly a confederate of thyself?"
"I deny the charge of blasphemy. The Fellowship is not an evil doctrine, but is a system of beliefs which bring enlightenment to those who obey..."
"Enough! Leave our fair city now."
"Exile the blasphemer!"
"Stone him!"
"Beware of Leon!"
"Shame on us..."
"I forgive thee..."
"'bout 100%."



Olon the fisherman storms out of the proceedings. Admittedly he was drunk as hell, and will be tomorrow when we mount our defense.

"I call Delin to witness before the Oracle."



"What... Oh! Forgive me, milords and ladies."
"Tell me, Delin, hast thou ever met the accused?"
"Good day, uh... Voldin. Met who?"
"The man standing in that box, right in front of thee. Hast thou ever met him?"
"Handsome lad... I do not recall him. Dost thou think he would be a worthy suitor for mine Alyssand?"
"Uh... I do not think so, Delin."
"I am already married!"
"I renounce any further questions! I thank thee, Delin. Thou mayest go."
"I suppose that didn't hurt your case any."
"And now I would like to call... Delin, go to thy seat please."
"Yes, of course... Captain. What is going on?"
"I call Lady Yelinda to witness before the Oracle."



"Voldin, thou dost extend thyself too far!"
"Please bear with me, Zulith. This is for the good of Fawn."
"Very well, but there is no reason for the Lady to take the stand. She may speak from where she is."
"Milady, speak if thou wilt."
"I will speak."



"Thou art most gracious, Lady. I shall make this brief... For the benefit of the Oracle, couldst thou recount the scene at which Iolo didst invoke the name of the Daemon British?"
"I seem to recall that we were having a civil conversation. And then, without forewarning, Iolo suddenly burst out with a vile and blasphemous oath!"
"Dost thou remember his precise words?"
"To be truthful, the discussion was so distasteful that I quickly put it from my mind. I believe he said -- Curse you all, and Beast British shall drink thy blood..."
"I thank thee for thy time, Lady Yelinda. Thou hast spoken fairly, as always."
"I didn't say that!"
"Given that the weight of evidence seems overwhelming, perhaps we should spare the defendant from further embarrassment."
"If the Lady doth wish it, I would forebear calling for further testimony. The traitor will surely be convicted based on the facts already presented."



"Do you think you're getting out of this? Hell no. You're going to keep him going until we've run out of witnesses."
"That could take a while."
"Not really, he's already called half the people that live in this dinky town."
"Against my better judgment, I would hear the full weight of the testimony against me, Lady Yelinda."
"Very well. Thou mayest resume, Captain Voldin."



"I call Ruggs to witness before the Oracle."
"He is so ugly..."
"Oh, my..."
"Take no hope that thou wilt remain any longer than necessary for thee to speak before the Oracle."
"I have hope for only one thing, Captain. And that dwells deep within mine heart, as Delphynia knows..."
"Do not digress! Now, I am told that thou hast been seen speaking with the accused traitor..."
"Yes, Captain. I asked a favor of him, to deliver a document for me."
"No doubt a document containing instructions from Leon, to his secret ally, Iolo! No further questions..."
"No! 'Twas a letter to my beloved Delphynia..."
"Return to thy camp."
"I love thee, Delphynia!"
"I cannot..."
"Ruggs, be silent!"



"I call Kylista to witness before the Oracle."
"Really, Voldin!"
"Forgive my presumption, Kylista. As the Priestess of Beauty, thy powers are absolute within this Temple. However, thy certain knowledge concerning this traitor is vital if the Oracle is to hear a complete accounting."
"I understand. Let me state that I have met Iolo, as well as the Avatar, his companion. I found their lack of understanding of Beauty appalling!"
"So they did not seem to have a true appreciation of Beauty?"
"Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder..."
"Silence!"
"Quiet in the Temple! Thou wilt not speak unless questioned."
"Forgive the interruption, Captain Voldin."
"No forgiveness necessary. I thank thee for performing thy duty. And now, Priestess, please continue thy witness."
"As the Priestess of Beauty, I must warn all of thee to remain wary of these strangers! They preach doctrines which deny the primacy of Beauty. The Fellowship is an insidious philosophy which threatens to undermine our common society. I believe that The Fellowship is an invention of Beast British, by which he means to destroy us!"
"Thy vigilance will be our salvation, Priestess. Many thanks for responding to mine unusual summons."



"I call Jorvin to witness before the Oracle."
"How can I help thee, Great Captain?"
"I will not detain thee from thy duty overlong, commander. Thou didst meet Steve and Iolo before thou didst apprehend the accused, didst thou not?"
"I did see them, Captain, even if they did not see me. It is my business to watch strangers. The traitor was a most curious man, and did often enter into buildings where he did not belong. He did open many drawers and barrels without permission."
"How wouldst thou characterize such behavior?"
"Peculiar, lord. Almost as if the man were hunting for something."
"According to legend, there have been men who have sold their souls to Beast British. Such men then scour the world, hoping to find their lost spirits once again."
"Can't we have been robbing you?"
"No more questions..."



"I call Alyssand to witness before the Oracle. Alyssand, we are told that thou hast often been seen in the company of the accused traitor. What things hath he asked of thee?"
"I remember that we spoke of the strange storms, and other such things..."
"Thou art holding back something..."
"Alyssand, beware! The Oracle is the instrument of divine Truth, and it shall not be mocked!"
"What did the strangers ask of thee, Alyssand? There was a particular item..."
"Well, yes... mine engagement ring, which was lost..."
"In fact, the traitor had thy missing jewelry! So the Beast hath taught him to steal... using Daemonic powers, I suspect... I have no further questions. I thank thee."
"Don't twist my words..."



"I call Scots to witness before the Oracle. Art thou a follower of this Fellowship, Scots?"
"I'm a geographer, sir. And a sailor. Though I was brought here by The Fellowship to study this land, I do not practice their beliefs. However, I see nothing wrong with The Fellowship. If anything, it seems that Leon speaks more of the truth than thine own Priestess."
"Heresy! Leave this Temple and never return to our fair city, upon pain of death!"
"And Lord British is no Daemon! He's a good man, and hath often commissioned me to create new maps for him..."
"Jorvin, if that man speaks another word, blast him with thy wand!"
"Not the wand!"
"Jorvin..."
"Damn, I missed..."

We're almost done with this hilarious terrible farce.

"I call Jendon to witness before the Oracle. Dost thou recall having met Iolo before?"
"Yes, indeed. He came into the Broken Oar -- most people do, thou knowest. Asked me a great number of questions."
"About the usual sorts of things -- the weather, the goblin threat, and so forth?"
"Not at all, Captain! He had so many questions. He did ask me about strange objects, such as I had never heard of. They weren't normal items, sir! He asked me about the bloodthirsty savages that live in the far north -- had a grisly interest in the tale, I might add. Iolo had a powerful curiosity about the ancient ruins of this land! I could not tell him enough. He was quite angry with me..."
"The ruins left by the Daemons who once dwelt in this land?"
"Yes, captain. The Serpent Ruins."
"And so we can plainly see that the accused doth have a most perverted sense of curiosity. Perhaps a weakness gained from associating with the Beast! Thou mayest go, Jendon... I call Zulith to witness before the Oracle."



"I had not expected to be called to witness, Captain Voldin. After all, I serve Lady Yelinda. Much of what I know is confidential."
"Yet the course of this trial could affect state security, chancellor. This man is accused of aiding a Daemon to overthrow our city!"
"I must defer to the Lady..."
"I don't see why thou couldst not speak freely, Zulith. I know! If thou art about to reveal some important secret, I shall signal thee by clapping sharply. Then thou shouldst be silent."
"Very well, Lady Yelinda. Let it be known, therefore, that I have spent much of my recent time following Steve and her companions about town."
"And what didst thou learn?"
"Nothing -- Iolo was too sharp for me, and spotted me before I could learn much. However, I did see him conferring with Delin's daughter, and she is a known sympathizer with The Fellowship!"
"Watch thy words, Zulith! Or thou shalt have to reckon with me. I may be old, but I'm mean..."
"I meant no disrespect. Only everyone knows that The Fellowship is a Daemonic heresy, and that Alyssand hath become infatuated with Leon the Preacher."
"And so Beast British, who is the force behind The Fellowship heresy, uses Alyssand to communicate with agents such as Iolo! No further questions."
"Take that back!"
"Daemons? Bah!"
"Are we done here?"
"I have called my last witness, and have presented proof that Iolo is guilty of the crimes with which he is charged. I yield the floor to Priestess Kylista..."
"Hear ye! This trial will now come to order."
"Zulith..."
"I thank thee, Captain Voldin."



"Oh... why, yes... of course. Make it so."
"Iolo, know that thou mayest defend thyself or appoint any willing person to speak on thy behalf. Dost thou have a preference?"
"Yes, I wish my friend -- Steve, the Avatar -- to present my case. I have faith that I will be acquitted."
"You're actually trusting her?"
"I perhaps should have said 'acquitted.' If you follow me."
"Yeah, yeah, everybody comes crawling back to Steve sooner or later."
"Very well, Steve shall be thy champion. Guard, please take the defendant to his cell."



"Well, we've got 24 hours to either fight our way out of this or come up with a defense for Iolo when every card in the deck is clearly stacked against us."
"We could also leave, pick up Shamino, and go clubbing tonight and come up with something at the last second."
"I like that better."

DUN DUN.

NEXT TIME ON LAW & ORDER: FASHION VICTIMS UNIT:

"I call the Guardian to witness before the Oracle."