Part 2: SERPENT ISLE - Introduction
Now, Where Were We?
Oh yes, right about here:
Just in case Lord British, Shamino, and all those other self-inserts didn't remind you that this was, in fact, a game which Richard Garriott made.
Eighteen months after the destruction of the Black Gate and the dismantling of the Fellowship.
"When did your castle get a giant poorly-lit room?"
"Dismantling the Fellowship wasn't the only thing I did in the past eighteen months. Unlike a certain someone."
"Hey, hey, I did stuff. Remember that time I went to the underworld? Got some dumb serpent statue that I'm sure will never come up again as a plot matter?"
"You didn't even do that game, Steve."
"I could have. You know, retroactive continuity and all that."
"Whatever. So this scroll was left in Batlin's belongings."
"Didn't you have eighteen months to discover this thing?"
"Well, I kind of had castle renovations to go over. Things slip by."
"I sure hope this is just a shopping list and not anything important or we're all going to look like complete idiots."
"Stand back! The scroll is giving off a poor 1990s rendered effect!"
"I'm not really sure something like this was necessary or wise for the Guardian to do. Couldn't Batlin have opened this thing while he was at the Fellowship office? Everyone in Britain would've seen it."
"At the time, they had no idea who the Guardian even was."
"Right, because nobody is going to associate a giant floating red guy secretly managing a cult with evil intentions."
"I'm not going to make a Scientology joke because you're just making it too easy, Steve. But I would like to remind you that we live in Britannia."
"Right, they'd never have caught on."
"Are we gonna play this thing back or just sit here staring at it?"
"I'm down for whatever you're doing."
"BATLIN! In the unlikely event the Avatar prevents me from coming through the Black Gate-"
"Because the brilliant plan of 'breaking it' isn't something I could have come up with."
"-I command you to follow the unsuspecting and fat Britannian scholar Gwenno to the Serpent Isle. There I will outline my plan to destroy Britannia. Also, could you pick up some butter and one of those giant green pieces of cheese that are all the rage over there before you go? I hear that stuff is bitchin'. Love you babe!"
"That does not even begin to make sense."
"Yeah... actually, that doesn't. At all. But at least we know where Batlin ran off to."
"Well then, I'm sure it's a desperate and pointless maneuver that will come to nothing and can be safely ignored while I mooch off you for another eighteen months."
"Not so fast, missy."
"And that's why we're getting kicked out of Britannia."
"It probably wouldn't be a permanent thing if you and Arcadion hadn't done that thing in his chamber pot."
"Well I thought it was a delightful present for someone who has everything."
"I'm pretty sure this was always meant to be a one way trip. Why else would he have singled out the four of us?"
"Because we're the best he's got?"
"I vaguely recall him saying something to the effect of 'the hell out of my dimension.'"
"You know LB, he's got a hyperbolic streak."
"I can understand trying to ditch you three, but I'm actually genuinely concerned about Gwenno here. She could be in danger! Of course the Guardian's message was so incredibly vague that perhaps she isn't in any danger. But if she is or may be potentially in danger I will or won't stop at something or perhaps nothing in order to save her, or not save her, if she doesn't need to be saved."
"Didn't she dump you?"
"It's research! She can't be expected to be tied down when there's knowledge to uncover."
"That was the excuse my college advisor used for why his wife never slept at their house."
"When did Britannia get an icy sea? Or, for that matter, a giant set of serpent-coiled columns that are clearly a gateway to another world?"
"Right about the time Electronic Arts bought us."
"If we don't make it through this, I just wanted you all to know I've always hated you."
"Why did we have to be potentially dying for you to tell us that?"
"Come on, man, the rest of us are willing to put our loathing for each other out there, grow some balls."
"I think he left them with his fursuiting girlfriend."
"Oh right Iolo that's really a great thing to rub in while we're drifting through a glacier about to be exiled to some crappy world full of snakes. And if I really needed a pair, I'd borrow Steve's."
"Just because we're approaching a glowing vortex doesn't mean I didn't hear that."