Part 59: SKULLCRUSHER - Chaos Under New Management
Chaos Under New Management
"It's nice to see we're off busting our asses to save the universe and you guys are having a nice brunch."
"Whoa whoa, what? What's wrong with you guys?"
"Ever since Xenka came back we've... kinda stopped caring about this whole prophecy thing."
"Thoxa's passed out somewhere, if you see her could you make sure she's not sleeping on her stomach? You're all great."
"Urrrrp, uh yeah, so uh... Thou must journey to the frozen wastelands and speak with those considered savage. They hold the means to further thy quest with the Serpent Tooth thou dost lack."
"This sounds like pointless busywork."
"Is it? Is it?"
"No. Get going!"
"Oh hey, it's Myauri! He's rushing out to greet us!"
"He's so happy he has tears in his eyes!"
"The Trapper struck! All Gwani dead but Yenani, Neyobi and I."
"Boy, don't we look embarassed now."
"Sorry your entire race was nearly completely wiped out, but hey, at least a little incest might clear this whole problem up!"
"That... is not so comforting, Steve."
"This is as close to sympathy as you're gonna get from Steve, Yenani."
"Yeah, I'd just take this one as it comes."
"I want to give thee magical serpent tooth, but it in amulet of Baiyanda. Amulet is now with the Trapper. Thou find his lair north, in cave along mountains."
Head north and east some and you'll find a cave in an isolated cluster of mountains north of Skullcrusher. The door was always locked before this point, so you couldn't meet Hazard. The Gwani genocide seems to coincide with the Banes' release, so technically you can do this whenever, but the final tooth goes to the game's final area, and there's no reason to go there until you're ready to finish the game.
Inside, finally, we find the Trapper.
"We have stalked each other long enough!"
"Do we even know you?"
"Forgo the pretense, I am Hazard the Trapper as thou dost know well by now."
"I'm not sure how we'd be able to make sure of that from the mere fact that you happen to be a trapper."
"Yeah. I mean sure you're a trapper, but how are we supposed to know you're the Trapper?"
"Cool your jets, folks. The point here is that he's a jackass and a murderer."
"Oh, like you-"
"Shut up, Iolo."
"That charge is most unfair! The Gwani are merely animals! I kill them as I would a bear, or a leopard. Their skins keep many a man warm when they venture into these icy regions. Why, I would kill a man if he dared to steal mine. Aye, their skins are the most profitable, too."
"That's all you care about, isn't it?"
"Aye, the best skins I take are those I peel from those beasts while they still live. I have not killed a Gwani before skinning it in years, and I shan't stop till the last one is gone! Trapping them is too easy. 'Tis a wonder they survive out here at all! Why, they are as docile as sheep! A leopard at least is sport. It would sever mine arm if I gave it the chance. Slaughtering the Gwani is doing them a favor."
"They're not even a challenge. Why do you even give a shit?"
"They provide me a fat living. Thou art daft to be concerned for the likes of them! And if thou hast a plan for stopping me then I think thou shouldst leave now, lest I skin thee alive, too!"
"I don't think so, bub. Stop the killing. I mean, you got most of them already, but the last three you're not gonna kill!"
"No one tells me what I can and cannot kill! Prepare to join thy Gwani friends on my wall, Avatar."
I'm not even going to justify Hazard with a death shot because let's face it, he's outnumbered 9-1. At least he's got a Magic Axe, even if he's not wearing any good armor.
"Yeah, I don't think the hourglass is gonna help us in this case."
"Where's Baiyanda's amulet?"
"On Baiyanda I assume."
"...which one's Baiyanda?"
"I... don't think we're going to be able to tell."
Hazard's loot includes the amulet he stole from the Gwani, plenty of arrows, and some money and warm gear. And, finally, the very last of our misplaced items: The Glass Sword. Not that we really need one anymore.
"Awesome, new tooth! Have fun, you guys!"
"Our entire race is dying."
"Well at least every other race will survive this Imbalance."
Back at Monk Isle...
"You guys are still eating?"
"Oh man, I'm glad I'm wearing a robe."
"Ya'll smell that? That's nasty."
"As I had feared, the imbalance hath grown too powerful..."
"Is that... bad?"
"Only the final sacrifice of one who is in balance can aid thee now."
"Final sacrifice, huh? I like where this is going, Iolo."
"For this, only thy three companions, the lady Gwenno and thyself doth qualify."
"Which three co-"
"The three important companions."
"We live to not nobly sacrifice ourselves another day!"
"Well, I wouldn't have really been very useful anyway, being metal and all."
"Thou must draw straws to see who the Monitor crematorium awaits."
"Kickass. You guys first."
"Whew, longer than Gwenno's."
"Gee, thanks a lot."
"...shorter than Gwenno's."
"I'll miss you dear."
"My mustache tells me... that this straw is longest of all! HAHA! Got it!"
"Well I guess that just leaves... uh."
"I am sorry, Hero. Thou hast drawn the shortest straw. Take comfort that thine ashes shall bind the wounds of the land. Go quickly for the Hourglass is nearly empty."
"Are you ing ing me!?"
"Ahahahahahah, this is even better than that time you got throw into prison!"
"Just so you guys know I'm only doing this to save reality as we know it, and the people I hate just happen to be lucky to survive this."
"Just hurry it up so we can get rid of you. I mean, get rid of the Imbalance."
"It's times like these you really know your true friends, eh Ms. Steve?"
"Was that sarcasm?"
"Oh. Well then, it sure is, Boydon. It sure is."
"So what do I do, just... jump in?"
"I call the lever job!"
"Wait wait wait a second. We're going to kill the Avatar because of a stupid random draw?"
"That's just... retarded. Avatar, I cannot allow thee to throw away thy life! Thou must live to ensure Britannia's safety!"
"Thank you, Jesus, did you guys honestly think any of you would be able to restore Balance without me? Who's gonna do it, Iolo?"
"I would've done it! And I'd have sacrificed myself too. If I'd drawn the short straw."
"Oh yeah that's real noble there asshole."
"I cannot live with the shame of the deaths I have caused... If I can redeem myself by becoming the required martyr, so be it! Let it be said that Sir Dupre died bravely!"
"Maybe we should all just calm down and talk over-"
"Yeah it's too late, he already jumped in there."
"Does anybody want to... I dunno. Say something?"
"...oh Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling..."
"...from glen to glen..."
"...and down the mountainside."
"The summer's gone, and all the flowers dying..."
"...'Tis you 'tis you must go, and I must bide."
"But come ye baaaaaaaack when summer's in the meaaaaadow, or when the vallllley's hushed and white with snow..."
"...'Tis I'll be heeeeeeeeeere in sunshine or in shadow..."
"...oh Danny boy, oh Danny boy I love you soooooo."
"We wanted to be part of the moment."
"We will never speak or think about this ever again."
"Well anyway, the matter resolved itself, so all we have to do is open the Wall of Lights correctly and do what Batlin fucked up. Also none of us will get ultimate power from it."
"Yeah uh if ultimate power involves getting turned into a pile of ashes and unburnt bone remains that almost resemble cat turds, I think I'll pass. I'd rather jam myself in the eye with the tip of a blackrock obelisk after absorbing the powers of the personified elements or something sensible like that."
"That's a strangely specific example, Steve."
"Shhhhh! We need absolute silence to restore the Chaos Serpent."
"Hell, I don't know, for all we know this will kill us all."
"Sure, get technical."
"Hey, I think it worked!"
"Avatar, it is I, Dupre!"
"Oh great, everyone I tried to get killed just talks in my goddamn head. What's next, Batlin?"
"My soul and mustache have been fused with the Serpent of Chaos."
"Yes. Forever. Absolutely. There is no way whatsoever that I could ever be restored in this case."
"Well, it's good to know your sacrifice for the good of all worlds won't be cheapened by some stupid plot gimmick in a later game."
"I am keeping the serpent from attacking thee, but I do not know how much longer I can hold out! Quickly! Thou must go to Sunrise Isle!"
"Why? What's there?"
"...you're supposed to go there, become the Great Hierophant, wake the Earth Serpent, restore cosmic balance?"
"Oh that. Right, on it."
"Sweet. Peace out."
"Oh, and Dupre? One last thing. Something I... always wanted to tell you."
"Of all the Companions, I hated Iolo the most."
"Right, I know. And you liked me the most."
"Well, no, but you're definitely in the top five."
"Oh screw you, Steve."
"Hahah, holy crap, I can't believe somebody actually went through with that."
"It was necessary to restore Balance!"
"Sure, sure. Anyway, thy time is at hand, Steve!"
"I thought my time was at hand when you told me to go kill myself."
"It's okay, I knew Dupre was gonna do that. Thy destiny and our fate shall be found upon the island known as Sunrise Isle. Take this Serpent Sword as my final aid to thee... I can do no more."
"I don't really need another sw-"
"Go quickly! The end is at hand! I hope there's still some california rolls left when I get back to Monk Isle."
The Ophidian Sword is the last plot-critical item in the game. Yes, you need it. Yes, Xenka just sort of pulled it out from wherever*. But despite looking only slightly different from other Serpent Swords, the Ophidian Sword is actually a very powerful one-handed weapon, with a damage greater than any magical one-hander except for Erinon's Axe. Except it actually isn't magical. So it's basically the strongest Normal damage weapon or something, I guess. Oh well, off to Sunrise Isle to fix this shit!
(* the Void, of course!)