Part 11
It's nice to have encouraging words. Aside from whatever the HELL is making me puke blood, I've also had the flu within the last month. I've skirted very dangerously on the edge of being homeless (something I'm most likely not going to be able to avoid NEXT month), as well as had to deal with trying to find a job that can fit in with my horrendous university schedule.
In short, yes, I diversified how I spend my time, and most definitely not in the fun way.
HOWEVER, I want to finish this, not just for you guys but for myself. I really enjoy doing these threads, but I've not had any time for recreation recently. Let's hope I'm not sick enough for this post to just be a delirious fever dream, but that may be asking too much.
Anyway, it is time.
Final Weeks: Sic Semper Prisilianus
Hell yeah, motherfucker. Game over, I'm the goddamn CHAMPION of this street of Walls.
You really walled your way thru this game!
Slade...
Good job! Your uncle would have been proud!
Yeah... also your uncle would have bought a lot more mansions from me. SLADE.
Who the fuck was I? Oh well, who cares, you're awesome Slade. SLAAAAAAAAAAAADE! Wake UP, Slade? ... ugh, you bitch. I was having the most wonderful dream. You weren't in it. Listen, you've been sitting on your ass for so long I think you're getting delusional. There are STOCKS to be TRADED. We HAVE to get that $600 BILLION dollars! Hey LOOK, I CAN be a DOUCHEbag and PUT random emphasis ON parts OF a sentence TOO. Just get to work!
Yapple ki aye, motherfucker.
That's how you daytrade, ladies.*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING
All that thing ever BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRINGs is a bunch of things that piss me off.
Alright you vultures you'll have your goddamn money...
Sucking my cock and then shooting yourself would be nice. You don't even have to do it in order if you don't feel like. SLAAAAADE. Do not ask for whom the bitch bitches, it bitches for me. SLAAAAADE. I'm... not feeling too good. Would shopping make you shut up?
I... may be pregnant. It sounds like you've got an appointment with Mr. Coathanger and Mrs. Stairwell then. You're SICK. When you say it, it almost sounds like flattery. That was a test. Pfft, how could I be pregnant, you haven't so much as touched me in two months! I can't believe you'd say that... My ejaculate is just that goddamn manly. I couldn't rule the possibility out.
Brawl... man that game's gonna be so*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING*
THAT'S IT, I'm disconnecting that thing.
Bitch, luck's for people who aren't a Benedict.
... that's it? I didn't get here by being a wasteful spender, you whore. ... okay. Do I hear 2.5 million? Going once...
I am going to sandbag this shit INTO THE GROUND.*6 hours later*
FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, SOMEONE BID LIKE 10 MILLION SO THIS ASSHOLE WON'T OVERBID BY TEN THOUSAND. We've got 4.4 million... do I hear 5 million maybe?! $4,410,000. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFHDSIJSPOFCKPOSPS. FINE. TAKE THE GODDAMN CASTLE I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
Hail to the KING, baby.
You're close to carrying out the Benedict legacy inheriting the fortune. I think it's time to set my plans into motion...
The only thing they would "chry" about are your shitty jokes. Pfft. My other customers find me witty and refreshing. Your other customers are ignoramuseseseses. ... Yeah I don't know where I was going with that either.
Not gonna stop me from scooping this up though!
Ahh, the day where America celebrates Will Smith and some nerds fending off aliens using a computer virus and suicide bombers.
Teradying? I may just have to... GASP, diversify my portfolio. And to do that...
Ahahaha. The game will be over by then bitches, you can't touch this shit!_____________________________________________
Connie... I'm worried as hell. Slade's getting extremely isolated and weird. Spends all day in his study, drinking brandy and looking at stock information. It's not like he hasn't done it before. But it's not like before. He has this really malevolent look on his face all the time, and he stifles giggling whenever he looks at me. And yet... it's like he WANTS me to know he's stifling laughter. Eesh, that's pretty damn fucked up right there. I don't know... I'm really scared of him but I can't talk to him about it. I guess all I can do is wait it out. Money can change people. It has to be about the money, I just know it is. But he has to be married to collect it, so he can't be planning on divorcing me just yet. Maybe afterwards? But then I'd get half of it... and somehow I don't think he is going to stand for that, he has too much pride. He... wouldn't kill me, I don't think, but that's the only possibility I can reason out in my head. In that case, keep your head about you lest you head to an early grave. Ha! Ha! Ha! That's not fucking funny. Yes it is._____________________________________________
Word processors are not that pivotal in the market. Wanna bet? ... suddenly, no.
What the everloving shitfuck YBM, that's just UNHOLY. I've got... smaller fish to fry. Teradying, you're going to help me commit the cardinal sin of diversification...
And baby, it feels so damn good!
(Fuck yes, another opportunity to crush her spirit!) This silence is awkward and confusing to me... Yes. I'll go... ALL THE WAY TO THE JEWELRY STORE. I have no fucking clue WHY you said it like that, but okay.
We're here for jewelry.
And I can even afford it too... oh man, I'm going to savor every last second of this.
I'll get you fitted for a potato sack next week.
Carry on you glorious motherfuckers, bring home the bacon! The kind I'm not married to that is.
I think I'll stick with my prize pigs, thanks. Such a romantic term for your wife. I said PRIZE pigs.
I think I've just about run this shit into the ground...
It's time to sell and do what I do best: put all my eggs in one gigantic basket. But... which?
I'm so glad I don't listen to you anymore. Reebucks, I choose you!
Going to rub this in Connie's face EVERY CHANCE I GET.*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING*
You seem oddly specific on the demand to bring CASH. The fewer questions you ask, the better it'll be.
You've gotta be kidding. Nobody's here except for like one dude. Well maybe if you'd thrown a bigger party... It's not the size of the party that matters. Say, do you want... to dance?! Mwahahaha. Why'd you say it all creepy-like? Oh, no reason. No reason at all. I'm... I'm just going to go talk to the other dude. Who, the creepy guy who's been leering at us through the glass door for the past hour? Don't mind me folks... I'm almost finished here. Get the hell off my property.
That's it, I'm tired of playing this game with you. It's time to pull this train into the station.
Reebucks, you will forever be remembered as my tool of choice for the final stage of my plans!
Ah ha.
Ahahahaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And don't you fucking forget it!
Wait a fucking minute, I WAS PROMISED A MOAT. We did it honey! What's this "we" business? You know what I mean...And so, Slade received his inheritance of $600 billion dollars. Billion, with a goddamn B. At least one of the principle players in our tale is headed towards a bright future, but there's still more to this tale to tell, because two months after the castle was purchased, Slade's circuitous plans finally reached fruition.
Slade, I can hear you laughing. Come out of there. Slade? Slade, I'm... I'm coming in. Don't try to stop me. Oh yes, do come in. We have... matters to discuss.
Mr. Swoon is a beautiful man.
... are you hiding hams in your robe? I'm rich, I can put ham wherever I want. Rich... you know, that brings up an interesting point. I've come to the realization that money is the only reason I've stayed with you. You've become increasingly distant, and I'm sick of it. I know I haven't been the best wife. Understatement of the fucking millenium. ... whatever. I want a divorce. Done. Now I know you... wait, what? I said "done." Oh, and I don't mean that in the terms you're thinking. I mean it is literally already done. Though legally I guess you'd call it an ANNULMENT... Umm... I... what? But that doesn't... there were no papers or anything! Don't play around with me like that. Oh, there were papers. I think I would remember signing something like that! You might have if you'd bothered to actually read the document when you were signing it. You've got a LOT of explaining to do because this isn't making sense at all. Oh dear Prisila, how much do you remember about our wedding day? ... we got married. I had some cake, you spit on the DJ because he didn't play a reggae version of Hail to the Chief when you walked down the aisle... And... We did our vows and signed the marriage license... Now we're getting somewhere. You really don't remember? It was in triplicate which I thought was weird, but... but... If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts I'd be a fucking billionaire right now. Oh wait, I ALREADY AM. But you aren't. Why would a marriage license be in TRIPLICATE? Had you bothered to read the other documents... you would have realized that you were also signing a post-dated annulment. You're joking. I may be whimsical quite often but I assure you, I am deadly serious right now. But... wait, that constitutes a divorce! I'm entitled to my half of our money! Three. Yes, three hundred billion! It's mine! You can't take that from me! You signed three documents that day. If one was the marriage license and another was a post-dated annulment document... what do you think the third one was? You didn't. I did. But that's preposterous! That's a funny word coming from someone who signed a prenuptial agreement without reading it first. This is all insane. There... there's a process you go through! There are legal battles! You can't get away with this! Oh, you'd be surprised what you can get away with when every judge in the district is on your payroll. Even the minister was paid off that day. Apparently the price of shitting all over your religion's most sacred vows is only $6000. ... I can't believe this is happening. So... got anything else to say for yourself? Oh, just one thing. "Sic semper Prisilianus." What the fuck does that mean? I believe it's Latin for "And thus always to Prisila's anus." ... 'Cause you just got RAPED. ........ Metaphorically speaking. Oh wait, no, I've got a better one. Looks like you just got Bene-DICKED. Ha! Ha! Ha! You've clearly gone mad. On the contrary I'm quite ecstatic. In fact, I'm so happy and satisfied with myself that I'm going to give you a whopping five minutes to get off my premises. After that point I intend to release the hounds. You don't have hounds. Not that you know of. Slade... this has to all be a joke. It has to be. You've got four minutes now. I suggest you get going, Bitey's a state champion in the dogfight rings. ... I'll just see myself out then. Goodbye, Slade... Let the door hit your ass on the way out. Ah ha. AHAHAHA.
Internet Friend is also a beautiful man.
_____________________________________________
So she broke down crying as she left? I haven't seen anything that beautiful since the lesbian mudfights down at Bill's Bar and Grill. By the way, thanks for keeping everything under wraps for this long. No problem for me. Besides, it was pretty funny. It was, wasn't it? I daresay you're a regular Arnold Benedict! Ha! Ha! Ha! His name was Benedict Arnold, but point taken. Not all my jokes can be winners. I suppose that's true. So... you doing anything on Saturday?