Part 4

Weeks 3: Hail Mary

One post?! ONE POST?!
This is called karma, cheapskate.
Fuck yourself with a rake, harpy.
It'd probably do a better job of it than you.
Okay Slade... think. The house has to be bought in two weeks and you're not even halfway to your goal... YOU CAN DO THIS.
Honey, we've been over this. You can't think for yourself, it's better to stop trying.
Oh, you're right honey, I can't think for myself and it's better if I... hey wait a minute!
So stupid he won't even fall for reverse psychology.
I think the sand in your vagina is turning into a pearl from all the pressure you're putting on it. I think I'll call Connie... she may be a felon but she's more tolerable than you right now.


And you're sure about this?
As sure as I am that your fiancée is a golddigging whore.
So we're on the same wavelength then. Gotcha.


Putting all my faith in you here, Connie...

And the days passed. Caterpillar's stock price remained surprisingly stagnant. Slade, of course, was dumbfounded - his gamble on Connie's advice had failed him.

Later that week...

Slaaaaaaaaaaaaaade!
I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY TO BUY YOU ANYTHING.
Slade, you've gotta come out of your room. You've locked yourself in there for days! You've got stocks to attend to!
Shut up. You don't know what it's like to be given half a million dollars and still fail to make your mark on the financial world.
Look, Slade, if... if it means anything to you, I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry for how I acted at the end of last week. But you've gotta come out of there.
I don't want to.
SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Not gonna work.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SHUT UP YOU COCKSUCKING SUCCUBUS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FINE. I will come out. God.
AAAAAaaade, I knew you'd come around. Let's go pick a stock together.


Teradying... seems appropriate, my hopes of landing the house by the end of this month are dying. I might as well pick something with an appropriate name.
Don't be so negative. I talked to Connie today.
I'm gonna strangle that bitch.
Well, she mentioned that she had solid info this time. Both Teradying and Xearox saw huge quarterly gains in their most recent report. I think you should invest in those...
I think I'll hold off on Xearox until I've got the capital to use it to its full potential. But Teradying...


Shine on, you crazy diamond.

The days were no longer so dreadful for Slade to wake up to. He put the stocks in the back of his mind - he managed to get his girl to show something resembling affection for him.

Reminds me of when we started dating... I'd forgotten what it felt like.

This is not to say he'd forgotten about the inheritance - rather, resigning himself to the strong possibility that he might fail made him realize that being so driven to fight that which he felt he could not stop was a futile endeavor.

Of course, fate holds a different course for our hero.

Hero? I didn't save a guinea pig or anything.

Shut up.


Holy frijoles I may actually pull this off.

*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNG*
Prisila WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT CALLING ME AT THE CRACK OF
Ahem.
Oh crap.
Mr. Benedict. I don't think I have to remind you that this is your last week to have the money for the house I've procured for you. And I need all of it. In cash. See you Saturday.
That's pretty fucking shady right there.

Xearox was down from the week before, but Connie wouldn't shut up about it.

XEAROX IS YOUR NEW OVERLORD AND MASTER

Slade thought she might have been replaced with a bodysnatcher, but decided to switch everything to Xearox anyway.

They call me Fat Daddy Slade down in Vegas. LET IT RIDE, XEAROX

Over the course of the week, he and Prisila went on picnics:


And even shopping:


Then the fateful day came.

Heh... Mr. Benedict. I see you don't quite live up to your uncle's legacy. I mean really, who would have expected YOU to accumulate a million dollars in one
I have your money, you scavenger of human misery.
WHAT?!
Here. Give me the keys and the deed and get the hell out of my sight.
But how?! That goal was meant to be impossible for the likes of you to achieve.
Well then maybe you guys should have thought of a more ironclad scam. Get the hell off my property.
...



I'm impressed!
Don't be, we just barely made it through. Only $3000 left over.
Well that's not enough for a bitchin' house party!
Don't even fucking start.

Monday, 5/01


*** HOT STOCKS BULLETIN ***
Firedman's Fund
Chryer
Reebucks International
Teradying
Strayhound

Assing COCKS, we're hamstrung.
Honey, in this day in age we have places called "banks," which can issue loans using property as collateral. We can just get a loan on this house and start our way back to the top!
Isn't that what poor people do?
That's funny coming from a guy who won't even give me a $50,000 car!


I'd be more embarrassed if Prisila actually had a valid point. Also, what kind of bank expects a mortgage paid off in its entirety within a month at 5% interest?! And to make matters worse...


These damn crazies have been calling me non-stop for the last couple of hours. I'm to the point where I think I'll just unplug the phone.



Alright guys, make me proud. We have a yacht to buy within this month for $700,000, and we also have to pay off the loan, making our goal for this month $1,540,000. We have $800,000 in seed money, so let's see some hot stock-choosing action.