Part 8

Writer's block + general laziness + holidays = blah. If I can pick up the pace, this'll be done within a week - it's over half done.

Week 8: Machinations of the Insane and Opulent

Connie... I'm worried.
Relax, the pill has a very high effectiveness rate if taken regularly.
Not that. It's about Slade again. He's locked himself in his study again.
This again? Tell him to man up and not be a depressed pussy. What, is his filet mignon not tender enough for him?
That's not it. He's laughing.
... what?
Laughing insanely. Has been all morning. Every time I think he's stopped, he just starts back up twice as hard.
Oh. Well, he made a metric assload of money last week, that's probably what it is.
Ahahahahahahaha!
GET OFF THE LINE SLADE.


Time to hit the dog track! And now we play the waiting game.



Ah ha. Ha ha. AHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHA!
Stop doing that, it's fucking creepy.
Yeah well, stop leaving the toilet seat up.
... I'm not even dignifying that with a proper response. I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but you're starting to get threatening calls on the voicemail from the bank...


The last one said they were going to take your thumbs, I think you'd better pay them.
Pfft, thumbs. What'd they ever do for me?
Allowed your species to develop tools that, in turn, helped enhance development of the brain, which then allowed you to slowly evolve into the humanoid shape you now have.
...
I bought some encyclopedias, okay?



I'm boooooored!
Well... heh. I scheduled a picnic for you with your parents. Show up at the picnic grounds at noon. Say... wanna read the paper? Might wanna check the weather forecast...
Reading's for suckers. I think I'll just unconditionally trust what you say rather than scrutinize it using anything resembling critical thinking.
Heh...
That noncommittal "heh" only fills me with confidence in my choice! Oh, by the way, you're buying that yacht this weekend. That means wedding! I hope you're prepared.
Oh, I'm prepared. Prepared... for EVERYTHING.
What?
What?
... I forgot what I was whatting about.
Hmm, I think I should shore up my finances before the big day...


You are a horrible person and terrible things should happen to you.


This is some sort of trick, I'll bet...


I knew it!

*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNG*


Alright, I'll have your money you chicken of the sea, just stop calling me at 4 in the fucking morning.

*BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNG*

STOP FUCKING CALLING ME OR I'LL REPORT YOUR ASS TO THE COAST GUARD FOR
What?
... what?
Well, I had some stock info I know you'd be DYING to hear, but if you don't want it...
Talk, wench.


..........
... Slade?
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_{OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO}

Hello? Connie? What the hell just happened? Slade's dancing around naked outside singing something about the Rapture.




It's... nicer than expected, but getting it for so cheap, it probably smells like cat piss.
Hey Slaaaaaaaaaade... you know what time it is, right?

And thus, the two of them went off to the chapel. Everyone showed up, including Larry the lofty lawyer and Ralph the ratty realtor.
Gotta make sure his ass stays in line.
I got a real nice house I can sell ya... but ya better bring cash or I fucking break your legs.

I could bore you with the details of the ceremony...
I object to this union - She's a succubus. And I don't mean she is superficially draining my soul, she is literally fucking the devil.
Oh hush, this is supposed to be a happy day. Hah. Haha.
Just you wait... you'll get yours.

... but let's just cut to the chase.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
God damnit.
Now... if I could just get you both to sign these marriage license papers, everything will be in order.
... huh? There's three pieces of paper here in this little stack.
Oh, that... well, it's all in triplicate. Wanna make really sure. You're free to double-check everything if you like.
Nah, reading's for suckers... besides, the sooner I sign, the sooner I'm filthy rich.
... heh.

And thus, the official union of the greedy and the selfish was had, much to the adulation of the crowd and much to the scorn of the bride and groom.

Enough of that. I've got work to do...


What if I don't give a shit about the castle?
You still have to buy it. Besides, it's got a fuckin' moat and everything.
Well why didn't you SAY so? Yeesh. Call me when you've got some concrete info on the auction.


Government-observed non-working days are so bourgeois.




If Prisila's fucking the devil, you're his rebound girl.


Payin' off the loan and getting a fresh one, hell yeah!


... shit, there's no clearcut winner for this week.

We're at the start of the new month, but... there's no set goal for this month! This is where the thread's "auction" tag comes in, we need a metric assload of money to win the castle. Including paying off the loan, it'd be a good idea to get at least 2 million in cold, hard cash this month, and wouldn't you know it, we're over halfway there already due to the phenomenal stretch of good luck last month. We've got $1,283,000 to invest. LET'S DO THIS SHIT.