Part 9
God damn I'm lazy.
Weeks 9 and 10: Come Sail Away
Slaaaaaaaaade! Come look at our wedding album.
And why would I do a boring thing like that? Because I've got you wrapped around my finger. Now do it. Will it shut you up? Maybe. I suppose a "maybe" is better than no.
WOW, your ass looks fat. And white? Wishful thinking. And those shoulders look like they belong on a linebacker. Why you gotta be like that, Slade? Predation instinct.
Speaking of which, I've got some succulent 'Ham to prey on.
I would like to interject here and make my portrait several times bigger. See? Look at my magnificent countenance. See how much I'm enjoying my 'Ham? It's plastered all over my face. What the FUCK. SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE! Seems that strong sense of foreboding I had wasn't the quiche I had for lunch. WHY is my skin turning GREEN? Really dear...
I legitimately know nothing about it! Why did you say it all sleazy? Honey, I work on WALL STREET.
End of the week... and our damn honeymoon is coming. I'd better call Connie.
Connie, we're all a bit concerned for you. Lately, both your advice AND your jokes have gotten... shall we say, progressively less lucid.
Purple monkey dishwasher. But I PURPLE. MONKEY. DISHWASHER. ... going to opt for more sane help.
I'm convinced that my entire life is some sort of cruel joke.
But the sooner I get to the punchline, the better. Slade, Larry the lawyer is at the door. TIME FOR MORE LAWYERIN' HORSESHIT.
(Beautiful wife? Ahahahahahaha.)
(If I concentrate maybe I can discover some latent psionic power and kill him with it.)
(NRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG)
(DIE ALREADY GOD DAMN YOU) Alright Slade, all your bags are packed into the taxi. Let's get honeymoonin'! (I want to cry but there aren't enough tears) 
I'm SAAAAAAAAAAAAILING AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY Are we there yet? Set an open course for the virgin seeeeeeeeeeeeeeea Are we there yet? Shut up. Are we there yet? SHUT UP Are we there yet? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP Are we there yet?
I am the angel of death. Are we there yet? The time of purification is at hand..
FINALLY HOME. I guess I'd better check the answering machine.
Oh yes. It'd be QUITE a pity if something happened to her... mwahahaha! You know, if you were gonna bump me off, we were sailing in international waters the whole time. Idiot. GOD DAMNIT... well, maybe some good stock advice will cheer me up.
...You know what you doing. Take off every STOCK. For great profit.