The Let's Play Archive

Warcraft II

by Azzur

Part 5: Mission 5: Tol Takers

Act 2: Khaz Modan

Episode 5: Tol Barad or Tol Takers

: Chieftain Necksmasher!

: For the love of- I had nothing to do with letting Vilefeast loose into the pig farms.

: I need your... expertise. As much as it pains me to say so, there are certain other chieftains that I cannot trust as much as I can trust you.

: I see you've finally come around to my genius, eh, Doomy?

: ...

: ...I meant War Chief.

: As it stands, Nigel, I still think you're a blathering idiot. However, you have something that these other chieftains don't.

: Spunk?

: For one, I haven't killed your father.

: ...wait, what?

Some time later...

: So that's why were leading the Black Tooth Grin clan?

: Yeah, because Doomhammer thought it'd be a good idea to promote the sons of the man he murdered to a position of power. Of course it also turns out that they couldn't lead an army to save thier lives. Not real generals like me.

: Hheiftainb?

: Get that pig out of your mouth, Vilefeast.

: Chieftain, it seems that Rend and Maim have been hiding some allies in their ranks. This zepplin should prove most useful in-

: Uh huh, yeah, neat.

: ...Would you stop polishing that catapult?

: I mean... death wagon.

: I really appreciate you glaring with us, Maggy.

: S'no problem, mon. Dunno what it was about though.

: ...could we continue, Chieftain?

: I suppose so. Vilefeast?

: Yay! Smash time with friends!

: I love that kid.

: Isn't Vilefeast, like... 42?

: Mental age, Bloodgut. Mental age.

: 'Ey, Chief! Watch da death wagon, mon!

: I only watch ants scurrying away from my power, troll! Scurry! Scurry like the ant you are!

: Mice.

: What?

: Mice scurry. Ants... skitter. ...Chieftain.

: ...

: I think I'm going to start ignoring you now.

: Smart move, Chief.

: Now that Dun Modr is back in the hands of a competent chieftain, it's time we establish a base. Nameless peon! Get to work!

: Chieftain, I have a name.

: Yes, that's right, nameless peon. "Zug-zug."

: They so cute when they try to talk.

: Why did Doomhammer reject my resignation letter...?

: Ja, mon. Look like da goblin found us a goldmine to da north.

: Excellent, I'll have a nameless peon sent out to colonize the area.

: MICE! All I said was mice!

: Meanwhile, I think ol' Facebreaker needs a spit-shine.

: 'Ey! Wat about Elf-nihilator? Much better name, mon.

: Groinbiter Jr!

: Vilefeast, that doesn't even-

: Groinbiter Jr!

: Vile, brudda, how does it bite groins if-


: Ugh. Fine, Groinbiter Jr.

: Chieftain! Human transport has docked upon our shores!

: Hurry! Someone important say exactly that!

: Yo, Chief! Dere be humans landin' and watnot on da land, mon!

: Chieftain! Human metal boat poop elfs everywhere!

: ...Why do I feel like I'm going to regret ignoring the only person without a speech impediment?

: I got dis, mon!

: Pfft. We'll talk when you can talk.

: You just got your face broken.

: Chieftain!

: ...ugh. Fine. You just got... your groin bit.

: Yay!

I don't know why, but the humans actually seemed to be far more aggressive than the orcs. I was pretty constantly attacked, even long before I could get a barracks up. Thank Doomhammer for death wagons.

: Vilefeast, I want you to keep watch for anymore incoming ships. If you see any, let us know. We'll be ready for them.

: Okie-dokie!

: ...Again. 'E's your best warrior, Chief?

: Now then, let's get some defenses ready for those humans. They'll be surprised to see- Oh, come on!

: Annoying pests.

: Chieftain! I saw a-

: I know, Vilefeast. The transport just arrived. The humans are dealt with.

: Huh? No, me saw a rainbow.

: I wonder about you orcs, mon.

: Surrounded by incompetence that has become the standard for excellence. Love my job. Alright, time to get a shipyard up so we can take the fight to the humans. Doomhammer mentioned some impenetrable fortress that Rend and Maim couldn't take.

: Oh, ja?

: Oh yeah. And we're going to take it. Untouched by orcish hands, and we're going to smash it to the ground.

: Yo, Chief. Maybe they just bored Rend and Maim outta here. Dey only sendin' one boat at a time, mon!

: Well, at least that guard tower is getting some action. As a matter of fact, let's get another one built! Nameless peon!

: Grgh.

: And erect a blacksmith while you're at it! No grumbling, either!

: I... Chieftain, I... Uhh... Zug-zug?

: Damn straight.

Blacksmiths are well... blacksmiths. They function exactly like the human mirror: upgrades for attacks and defenses, as well as siege weaponry. They also open up cannon towers, which I mentioned previously. However, since the humans are being so aggressive on this map, I believe that it's time to show them off.

: So I've been thinking... what if we mounted the death boat cannons to a building.

: Chieftain, that's utterly ludicrous and dangerous!

: Sounds good ta me, mon!

: Genius!

: We're all agreed!

Cannon towers hit like trucks, but as you can see they still have a rather sporadic spread, meaning that they could save your bacon, or cost you a base. Just dependent on how the almighty Random Number Generator is feeling. For the best effect, pair them up with the more consistent guard towers.

One more thing to note: They are essentially catapults, meaning that they do splash damage. If you keep your units close to the cannon tower, they could end up as a casualty.

: Ooh! Why me have two homes now?

: Don't be stupid, mon. ...One's for me, right?

: I swear, not a brain cell among you two. The Black Tooth Grin happen to have a mass of able-bodied idiots willing to die for whatever reason I decree. Now we have two areas to train the imps to do my bidding.

: ...Did we jus' get insulted, Vile?

: Chieftain talk like then when he love you!

: Now then, for my nameless peon...

: That can't be good.

: That's right, go forth and colonize a new land. That's a good peon.

: Chieftain! I'll need some support or I'm likely to be killed out there!

: Blah, blah, blah. Less yappy, more colonize-y... I'll work on that one.

: Hmm? So the humans have actually changed their plans after seeing the might of our defenses? Clever!

: But so very, very dumb.

I was surprised to see that the computer actually went for my "unprotected" area so early on in the game. Of course then I recalled that my unprotected area was... well, where I kept my two barracks.

Smartest AI ever.

Meanwhile, upon Bloodgut Island...

: ...

: I can't believe this is actually working.

Back at Dun Modr...

: Y'know what this place is missing?

: Giant metal roof?

: No, it- ...wait, yes. That is so amazing that I may have to adopt that idea.

: Awesoooooome.

: Yo, Chief, wat was your idea?

: Hm? Oh. A breakfast nook. But this is so much more amazing.

And here we have the equal to the human keep: the orc stronghold. It works just like the human mirror; it increases gold brought in, has increased HP, and opens up new buildings to construct.

: Rend and Maim are never going to have a fortress as bitchin' as this.

: Where Bloodgut?

: Him? Oh, I'm sure he's fine. I sent him to go make a new city or something. I forget at this point.

At Bloodgut Island...

It's funny, the humans are definitely more aggressive this time around. The human campaign didn't get touched by orcs, even when their expansion was wide open, yet here I was getting attacked constantly. Humans!

: I hate being right.

: Okay... be calm... be calm... They didn't see you duck into the woods.

: Blooooooodgut! Me come to see if you know where me keep other loincloth!

: Oooh! You not Bloodgut! Me play wi-

: Grgh.

: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrh!

Back at Dun Modr...

: I felt a chill run up my spine.

: Ya heard that too, eh, Chief?

: Hear what? No, I just realized that this is a big enough force to take any fortress. I'm shivering with anticipation.

: ...Keep ya pants on, mon.

: Ready my death boat!


: Should we be doin' this witout da Bloody and Vile mons?

: Pfft... You are ruining my fun, y'know that, troll?

: Hahahahahaha! I can't believe I used to hate these things!

: By da voodoo... You scary, mon.

It's best to soften up shores with a number of naval units before you bring your infantry to bear. It's such a shame to have all your hard work taken out before they can ever knock on the door.

: We takin' damage, Chief!

: You think I just came in here to cause some random destruction?

: ...Ya, mon.

: You forget that I'm a tactical genius. "Mon."

: Eh?

: Now! STRIKE!

: ...I...

: I will teach these pig-humans fear.

: I will teach them respect!

: But most of all...

: I will teach them that impenetrable is just a challenge to me!

: Mon... leveled in seconds...

: What me miss?

: ...By Ner'zhul... it's completely gone.

: Oh, this? Yeah. You missed one hell of a 2 minute siege. Anyway... clean this mess up.

: V-victory?

: Victory.


: Damn that Nigel. How am I supposed to get back into his good graces and out of this suicidal position? If only I- Oh? What's this?