Part 6: Act 4: The Common Sense Book of Orc Child Care

Act 4: The Common Sense Book of Orc Child Care

: Warchief, it seems that Necksmasher has been reckless as of late. I worry for your safety.

: Grr... why Necksmasher still alive? I want dead. I want dead now! Poison him!

: I've already tried, but with the way he drinks... well, it's not surprising that the poison didn't take effect.

: Fine. Me have idea. Kill two windroc, one rock. Hehe...



: Chieftain, why have we come all the way out here?

: Bloodgut, they're orders from Blackhand himself.

: Blackhand give orders directly? Honor!

: This all makes very little sense, what could he possibly want us to do out here? And Chieftain, as I've said before, the battlefield is no place to be wearing a hat like that.

: Vilefeast inspired just looking at it.

: Exactly. Also, Blackhand has us out here to find his daughter and... let me see that note again...



: ...uh. Kill her.

: Ooh! Just like sister's birthday!

: Kill the Warchief's daughter? In here? You know the humans call this place the Dead Mines.

: Dead Mines? Really now, Bloodgut? What's next the "Dark Shore"? Besides, this is an order from Blackhand himself. Darkweaver gave me the message.

: Speaking of which, where is he?

: Oh, he volunteered to watch the base for us.

: ...nothing at all unusual about this?

: Nope. Men? Move out!



The first "dungeon" mission of the orc campaign, and as you've heard in the thread, these are rather frustrating. You have limited men, with no way of really healing or increasing your numbers. You'll see that if you move your men incorrectly, even for a little while, well... you may be screwed.

: Well, at least we're adequately prepared.

: Yeah, Darkweaver said we wouldn't need any men, but, well...

: Vilefeast get lonely fighting alone!



: Ooh! Ogre! Chieftain, ogre!

: What is this? Did the ogres follow us through the Great Portal? And what are they doing here?

: Aw, is cute! He giving Gorrok hug!



: Shit.

Ogres are big ol' walking tanks. They hit hard and they can take hits. They're a real pain to fight in packs, but thankfully the AI is somewhat easy to corral into single combat.

: Err, perhaps one of our Necrolytes could be of assistance...?



: Gorrok all better!

Skeletons are pretty much needed as cannon fodder in orc dungeon missions. You see, as previously mentioned, humans get to heal. Orcs get to make really weak undead units. Toss the skeletons on the front line, let 'em get some hits in, but most importantly let them do the scouting. You don't want to lose a raider just because you wanted to see what was around the corner.



: Yes, Gorrok all better. Now, Gorrok is off to make sure their aren't any more nasty ogres around the corner there.



: And of course there is... Vilefeast!



: Why me no get wolf? Chieftain mad at me?

: I'll see to it that you get a promotion, just kill those ogres.



Also, ogres don't just die and leave a corpse. They kind of... explode in a shower of gore. No reason is ever given for this other than, "We don't want you raising ogre skeletons."

: Ugh, could this job get any worse? Let me guess, around the corner is a gronn, whom we happened to not notice hijacking a ride through the Portal.

: Chieftain, have you every heard of Murphy's Law?



: By the winds of the south! It's... it's...

: It gooey!

I'm taking a small intermission to explain slimes to you. They don't hit very hard, but they have a ton of life. They are essentially a neat little road block that does... well, nothing. I mean, it doesn't sound so bad, but it is amazingly frustrating. How frustrating? Well...



And they each have 150 hit points with 10 armor. To put that in perspective, the grunt only has 60 hit points and a base armor of 2. These things take forever to take down with an army, even one at a time.



: It not die! It not dieeeee!

: Keep hitting it! It has to have a weakness to being hit repeatedly!

: Clearly we could think of a more suitable solution-



: Smashsmashsmashsmash!

: Vilefeast, if you would just-



: Smashsmashsmashsmash!

: Ugh. Nevermind.



: It's working they're almost gone!



: For fuck's sake.

I don't know why it kept coming in waves like that, but this is the most drawn out and boring assault ever.

Hours later...


: Ugh... y'know after all of this, I'll be more than glad to kill Blackhand's daughter.

This seems as fine a time as any to talk about the new unit we have to play around with: the raider. These quickly become the majority of your army later on, and for good reason. The raider has more life, more armor and can hit harder. What makes them especially great is that you can also upgrade their speed at the kennels, which we'll be seeing next time. All and all, they're a great unit, especially once they're fully upgraded.



: Chieftain, there rocks here.

: Hmm, that is peculiar. It seems that the ogres are more intelligent then we originally gave them credit.

: Bloodgut, the hovels here are too small to accommodate the ogres. It's clear that there were preexisting homes left by the humans.

: Quite strange; we should return with some necrolytes to study this area.

: And these rocks don't taste good at all.



: More buildings?

: Better to skirt them for now, don't want to wake up any ogres that could lair within.

: That silly! Buildings no wear skirts!

: Vilefeast! Shut your mouth before-



: I hate you so much.

Later...


: This is literally the worst job ever.

: Chieftain-

: Ever.



: I don't even care anymore.

: Chieftain, I've ordered the skeletons to examine the caverns ahead. We'll make it through this, as we've done everything else.



: ...Those skeletons have been gone a long while.

: Do you hear... stomping?

: Yay! Ogres to play with!



: By my ancestors coffers, does nothing go right!?



: Chieftain, our men are well trained, we can handle this assault.

: Oh, yes, they're amazingly competent.

: Chieftain Necksmasher! Vilefeast have rock stuck in nose! Taste bad there too!

: ...

: Let's just press onward. I mean, hell, might as well make sure that no search parties can find our dead bodies with my hands wrapped around Vilefeast's throat.



: Oh, wow.

: Big.

: Oh, yes, that's just perfect. A place large enough for tons of ogres to live in. If we go in there, we're sure to be mauled alive.

...

: Vilefeast, go check it out.



: Me so useful.

: Okay, now you, Bloodgut.

: But, Chieftain-

: Now you, Bloodgut.



: At once!

: Bloodgut! Join party! Brothers party selves to pieces! Is great!

: Oh, god... what the hell happened to his head?



: Oh, great, Nigel sent in the Necrolytes.

: ...now, Jylar, I want the skeletons to haul Bloodgut and Vilefeast's bodies back to- Oh. Hey, guys.

: Chieftain, did you have so little faith?

: No, I, uhh... Draenei's ghost! What happened to that man's head!?

: ...Let's just press on.

: Pressing!



: I'm starting to think this was all a wild goose chase. Hey, wait, isn't that...?





: Oh, gods, what is that!?

: I believe that is Griselda, the War Chief's daughter.

: Sh-she... beautiful.

: Me father send dogs to bring me back? No one catch Griselda! Turok! Smash!

: Er...

: ...Turok?



: A p-present. For you. Me love.

: Turok!

: You no like?

: Ugh, Bloodgut, kill her please.

: At once, Chieftain.



: Aaah!



Griselda doesn't really pose a challenge. She's essentially a named peon. She just runs for a little bit. However, once you kill her, any ogres still alive will come to attack. Not exactly too bad since you now have a great defensive position.

: Y'know, I'm actually going to enjoy this.



: Heh.

: ...Griselda?



: Griseldaaaaaa!

: Relax, Vilefeast. We'll give you a human to chew on when we get back. Jeez.